Medieval Soldier

I knew I should have joined the Cavalry.

They get the best weapons and armor. The blacksmith will spend all day with them. He just hands us the left over armor that’s been dragged off the battlefield. My left boot is two sizes too small. The chest plate is dented in all the wrong places. It feels like it got hit with a mace a few too many times. The armpits in this thing are cut too high for me. How do they expect me to move my arms? I asked for a simple sword and he gives me the largest one he can find. I will be able to take a head off if I can get it around, but they will have stabbed me forty times first. They can make fun of me all they want but I’m wearing a helmet. They might change their mind when they are chewing on an arrow; although, it smells like someone barfed in it. My shield already has blood on it. It’s great to know that the guy before me had such good luck with it.

“Look at me I’m on a horse. I’m the king of the world.” Those Cavalry guys think they are so great. Get down here on the ground and see how well you do. You certainly wouldn’t be so eager to charge. At the last battle they said charge before the archers even got to the fire arrows. Oh sure its easy for them to charge they got bloody horses. “Kill them all” they yell. Great now I have to chase this guy for another mile. I am already chaffing from these silly tights you have us wearing. Of course, they had to be black tights since we weren’t hot enough.

I have been standing in the hot sun for almost three hours – are we fighting today or are we just going to look at each other. I am tempted to yell “Fire”. I am sure I could trick a few of those incompetent archers to fire – a lot of good they do. I don’t think any of them has taken an aiming class in years. It happens every battle they hit the ground just a few yards in front of the enemy. Oh that really helps; maybe they will trip over them or stab one into their own neck. They don’t even know who they are shooting at. I was in full charge, a few battles ago, and I heard the wind of an arrow from behind. Now unless there was an attack from the rear that nobody told me about, I shouldn’t hear arrows whizzing by my ear from behind me.

Call it treason if you will but what exactly is the king doing in armor. I don’t remember ever seeing him out there fighting. His nice red robe and polished armor would be easy to spot for their archers. We fight these irrelevant wars on his behalf and I barely get more then a peasants wages, and half of that goes to his tax collectors. I think I have an idea of who is responsible for these guys across from us in blue going from friend to foe. I can hear him now “Give me your tax or die.” I would fight along side them if they weren’t so inferior to his majesty’s army.

Here we go the “ride by” guy – this guy does this every time. Sure it was all fun and cheering the first three times but it’s getting a bit old. I’m not cheering. What is this guy next to me looking at? Fine, “Rah rah rah” that should keep him happy. It’s not my fault if I take his head off when I take this gigantic sword back.

Finally, some action! The archers must have gotten a good wind because they actually took out a large portion of their front line. This guy always has to say “Steady” doesn’t he. How steady can I get with this guy behind me pushing on me? Oh great my shield is coming apart. These stupid arrows they shoot – who gets hit with these? Oh, the fool commenting on my cheering caught one through the eye – should have had a helmet.

“Charge” yeah I’m going. I think I have a rock in my boot. Ouch it hurts every time I take a step. Ewww that guy took a sword to the groin. Hey, that gives me an idea. Yeah, you better retreat because you won’t like it when I get you. It looks like this guy soiled his tights. No, that stupid Calvary guy took my kill. I had that guy.

“Wahoo” we win again. What kind of an enemy was that? This has to be the worst battle ever. We won so quickly. Granted we did have them out numbered a few hundred thousand to one, but they didn’t fight very valiantly. Me and a couple of my chums could have done a better job then that.

I am just doing my loyal and honorable duty to serve the king.