Tips for the Aspiring Director

Wear a beret and riding boots, carry a crop, suck fat phallic cigars,
gesticulate wildly, and bark obscene things through your megaphone.
Now you are grooving.
They know you as Mr. Big.

Screw Art! Do comic book heroes with a fast food tie-in.
Be mindful of this: no one likes to see or hear,
so don’t be afraid to dumb that mother down.
Your audience is a bit Cretinous, you know.

Remember that their attention span is short.
Crank that camera extra fast. You can’t afford to bore them.
It’s okay if the words don’t match the mouth motion.
Do they ever?

Most actors are vain and stupid, so scoff at them.
If they won’t listen, throw a spitting mad fit.
With actresses, use the old casting couch for fleshy squeaks
on naugh-a-hyde. (It’s fun! Yes, Yes!)
When you shout “action,” make sure they hop; if not,
a quick pang pop. Employ that crop!
After all, this is your movie.

Appearance is everything.
Your audience loves a looker, and old people are an awful drag.
Use a trowel; apply make-up in great masking cakes.
Who cares if it’s fake? There is much to hide.

Get yourself a lackey; surround yourself with yes-men
to remove all doubt. Once your film is complete,
enjoy the fruit of their labors. After all, who earned it?

Well now, Mr. Big, everyone knows exactly what you are.