Lessons and Blessings from Tragedy

Lessons and Blessings from Tragedy


For one brief moment in time I lived in the womb of unconditional love.

It evolved over a period of only 6 months and taught me more than I could have ever imagined possible. This relationship moved my heart, filled my soul, I wanted forever, but it vanished as quickly as it had come.

From this I learned about Magic and why chance should never be ignored. I will continue to believe without question that there are no accidents and no coincidences, synchronicity in its purest form.

It all started in a club on a Friday night in mid November 1999. A longtime friend walked in with a woman about 45 years old who I had never seen before. Our relationship began with a touch as we shook hands. It was incredible, and as we spoke she gazed directly into my eyes.

A week had passed and I was eating dinner when I was touched. Two hands are placed on my back over my shoulder blades. They softly moved up and down. They radiate. It is indescribable. It stopped my heart and filled my soul.

The hands moved gently around to the front of my chest and pulled me into a soft gentle hug. I could feel the side of her face against the middle of my back. Her hair teased the back of my neck. She lingered for a few moments. Who was this? I had no idea but did not want her to stop.

As she withdrew her hug, she slid her hands from my chest and around my sides and slowly let go of my body. I turned around and she giggled. It was Haley. She smiled softly and looked into my eyes and said, "It's so good to see you again."

The game was afoot.

Over the next month and a half Haley and I dated and began a friendship that removed every wall that either of us had ever developed. The bud of a relationship soon bloomed into an incredible flower of romance.

On New Years Day 2000 Haley and I started a creative project that caused us to be together 24 / 7 for the next 34 days. During that time we learned to love the play of work and the work of play. We would work for 12 or 14 hours without a rest, then recess, play, and finally sleep. We would awake whenever we did, and resume, first with coffee, then with our minds. There were no boundaries. It was everything wonderful and imaginable, together, in one place, for an instant.

Haley was a pseudonym, her real name was Dinette. One morning she was kissing the back of my neck and found a single spot on the left side that could only be stimulated with a kiss. My body would react to no other stimulation in that spot. Haley would kiss me on that spot producing massive amounts goose pimples on both my arms and legs with chills exploding up and down the left side of my body. After she discovered this she did it often.

At the heart of what we had was unlimited trust and dedication for each other. We gave everything we had without expecting anything in return. It was not just unconditional love it was unconditional everything and we were able to do it because we had no secrets between us. We accepted each other for every thing we were, the good, the bad, and all of those things that nobody else knows. No guilt and no judgment. We not only learned to love each other, we learned to love the world and every single person in it as well.

We took a journey through life for 6 months and enjoyed everything. Our relationship was not about self, but selflessness. I had found my best friend and we fit as perfectly together as the most expensive custom made fine leather glove fits the hand of its owner.

For the first time in my life I was about to experience unconditional love. I was, unfortunately, about to learn a tragic lesson. All people are fragile, its just some people are more fragile than others.

Our relationship was a single wave of incredible everything that the world had to offer. It started when my life was at 0 and climbed to an unimaginable high. It sustained itself without loss of amplitude for 4 months, then in just 2 weeks it unexpectedly crashed and shattered my reality and all of the dreams I had never dared have.

I had been to a meeting for most of the day and when I returned home Haley was dressed and informed me that she was going to the pharmacy to refill her medications. She wanted to go alone and get out of the house. She was feeling agoraphobic. She gave me a kiss, and walked out the door.

After she left I had an uneasy feeling. My inner voice told me there was something terribly wrong. I started walking through the house and looking for something. I don't know what I was looking for. I was getting extremely anxious. Each second seemed like a minute. My apprehension grew as each moment in time passed.

It was between 9:30 and 10:00 PM when I called her friend. The phone rung twice and her friend answered.

"Have you seen Haley?" I asked.

"I haven't talked to her in two weeks” she answered.

"I am very worried, she has been in deep depression since the last time you saw her. I am very scared" I told her. "Do you have any idea where she might be?” I asked.

"I have absolutely no idea" she replied.

"If she calls or stops by please call me." I begged.

"OK, but I don't haven’t a clue as to where she might be." She said and hung up.

I was frantic. I could not concentrate. Each minute was taking forever to pass. I listened for every footstep. None were hers.

Sometime between 11:00 PM and 2:00 AM I dozed off. I was startled and woke up. For a brief fraction of a second I smelled Haley's perfume. The sent had lasted for only a moment, passed, and was gone. I traveled directly across my face. Haley wore a very distinct perfume laced with vanilla.

I paced the rest of the night and was frantic when dawn came, the clocked ticked without hurry. Everything was moving in slow motion. Minutes seemed like days. Finally I called the pharmacy and they informed me that she had picked up her meds just before closing the night before.

I called her friend back. "Is Haley over there?" I asked.

"No " She answered. "Neal, let me be straight with you. Haley came over about 8:00 last night. She stayed for a while and left about 10:00 PM. She came to say goodbye because I am moving to Colorado." She confessed.

"Why didn't you tell me this last night?" I asked.

"I didn’t take you seriously” she replied.

"Well, she hasn't been home, I . . . hold on I have another call" I said, and switched to the incoming line.

"Is Neal there?" a mail voice said.

"Speaking" I answered.

"Do you know Dinette M_ _ _ _ _ ?" he asked.

"Yes" I said

"What is she to you?" he said.

"My girlfriend, why do you ask?" I replied.

"This is Detective Garner at the University Of Utah Police Department. We have ah, a - - - suicide" he said.

I didn't understand if he said suicide or attempted suicide. It did not register. My heart was in my throat. Tears were in my eyes. My worst fears had come true. "What? Did you say attempted?", I whimpered

"No sir, this is a suicide", he replied.

"Is she dead?" I cried.

"Yes" he said. My world stopped, I was numb, my knees buckled. I hit the floor. I was sobbing.

I switched back to her friend and said, "Haley committed suicide last night."

She went silent. I hung up.

I felt emptiness that moment that I had never ever felt before and pray I shall never feel again. A few weeks before my cup runith over, now it was as empty and dry as a glass you may find in a vacant lot that had been there for years. Dry, checkered from the ultraviolet rays of the sun, caked with the residue from dirt, and as dry and empty as if it had never been used.

I experienced my first ADC (After Death Contact) that night. The scent of her perfume crossed directly across my face. It was at the time of her death and I am sure that she came to say good-bye. I have had many more since. When I am on a path she said I would know I feel a tingling on the back of my neck, my arms and legs erupt with goose pimples, and I have an explosion of chills on the left side of my body.

This experience has changed me. I have not been angry since that day. I have experienced more pain over this than I can ever write. I have learned that the baggage we carry is nothing more than the walls we hide behind to protect ourselves from the world. But instead of protecting us, this baggage keeps us from moving forward, from changing our paths. These elements of our personality are nothing more than fear caused by the guilt inflected on us from bad behavior and neglect of others who should have cared.

This experience freed me from all negative emotions and feelings. All my fear is forever gone. I will hate no one again. I will just be free and thankful for what I have.

I learned forgiveness that day because, you see, Haley took the most precious thing I ever had in my life away without consulting me. She, in a fit of depression, snatched my heart from my chest and smashed as completely as a fine crystal glass shatters when it is dropped on the cold marble floor.

The night of her death I received a message to write a book about our relationship, our lives and what had taken place. I spent the next 8 days writing that book. In order to complete the book I needed to know why she did what she did. I frequently prayed and asked the question in every prayer.

One day I walked into my office and placed on the keyboard of my computer was the following poem that she had written. It had not been there several hours earlier. I wondered where it had come from because I hadn’t put it there, I had never seen it before, and no one had been in the house. As I looked at her filing cabinet I saw a colored folder, at that moment my arms erupted in goose pimples, the left side of my body exploded in chills, and there was a light tingling on my neck as if I had been kissed. That folder was filled with copies of many poems she had written along with several copies of this - - -

I AM NOT PERFECT

My life is always changing
With trials and its tests
Sometimes I am at my worst
Sometimes I'm at my best

Some days I feel happy
And
Some days I'm depressed
At times I feel forsaken
Sometimes I feel blessed

I've never been so discouraged
I've never been so full of hope
At times I get so very confused
And find it hard to cope

I do know that I make mistakes
I'm not perfect - not - even near
Yet losing your love and kindness
Is truly my greatest fear

My life still has its ups and downs
And through it all I see
How empty I would feel inside
Without my friends and family

. . . to all I love, Denette

Death is only a tragedy for those left behind. If those committing suicide knew how it would affect those that love them they would never do it. However, I understand the pain and suffering that she experienced for over 20 years. I don’t blame her. I forgave her the day she did it. I have never been angry a minute since. Loosing that emotion is a blessing in and of itself. It was lifted from my being.

When I found her poem I answered it with one of my own . . .

To My Darling Haley

Oh, my darling Haley
You didn't understand
I would never have forsaken you
I wanted only to take your hand

Our time was much too brief
I wish you would have stayed
I loved the way we worked each day
Then played, and played, and played

I would never leave you
Of that you can be sure
It would have never happened
Because my love was true and pure

I miss you so much darling
On that you can rely
The only thing that I can ask
Is that you never say goodbye

Each day that I am living
I pray you stay with me
I feel you kiss me on my neck
And it fills my life with glee

You have taught so many people
The things that they should know
That they can have a better life
If they connect with the eternal flow

You taught us how to plant a seed
On most fertile ground
And when we place our trust in God
He will never let us down

The universal energy
You helped me understand
And from your humble teachings
I can help my fellow man

The light you shared unselfishly
With everyone you met
Is your gift of loving
That no one will forget

Each day when I awaken
I say a little prayer
That God will treat you kindly
And take all of your despair

All things are possible
If the task is true from the very start
Because we can do most anything
If we keep an open heart

The path that you have shown me
Is the one you said I'd know
And I will walk it every day
Until its time for me to go

Please stay with me my darling
While I complete my humble tasks
For I will need you every day
So that I can try to last

I am looking forward
To the day that will soon come
The time that I will finish
The task that has begun

Oh my darling Haley
I hope my time is brief
That you are universal energy
And I am flesh and bone

I will wait for you to get me
And take my ready hand
So we can play again together
But in the mystic land

. . .Your eternal soul mate - Neal

If I could relive the entire experience again I would, and I would do it without reservation even knowing what the ultimate outcome would be. I would even do it again if I had to accept 5 times the pain.

I have only one regret, I didn’t get forever...at least . . . not yet.