Baby Steps to Independance Day

I walk through my life like a ghost, or the shadow of a ghost. I have no effect or feeling, only a vague sense that I should have been more. My mind wanders, as my heart shrivles day by day. I become less. What happened to the growing, learning vibrant human that used to live in this body? It used to matter. I am in solitary confinement but there are no walls. People try to reach me and I feel like I am beyond an invisible glass. I can see them, see their concern but I cannot seem to find the desire to reach out for them. There sorrowing smiles leave me quietly numb. I cannot seem to scrape together more than that.

That isn’t really true though is it. I think I would like to be that numb. What do I really feel? I feel lost. I feel loss. But I don’t know what it is that I have lost. Hope maybe? Have I lost hope? I just feel too tired to care. I want to be left alone. I am tired of demands, upon my body, my mind, my attention, my energy. My favorite fantasy is to live alone. I have spent my entire life dealing with everyone else’s demands. I have spent my life serving other people’s needs. It seems that they always conflict with my own needs. So much so that I hardly know what my own needs are.

I am tired of conflict. I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to explain or analyze to anyone but myself. I don’t want to answer to anyone but myself. I dream of being responsible for no one but me. I really can’t be responsible for his needs anymore. I can’t stand it. Whatever the reasons are, I just can’t do it right now.

Literally every time I move he askes me what I am doing. I never wanted to hurt anyone. But it seems that no matter what I try to do someone always gets hurt. If I just stay alone I can’t hurt anyone.

If I was alone, I could go to bed when I want. I could get up and eat when I want or drink what I want. I could breath the way I want. I could sneeze or cough without bothering anyone. I could fart or burp or sing or play any music I want. I am sick of having to have permission to live. I am tired of living someone else’s life. I am playing a role that I have no right to change or create or control.

I want to buy my own groceries, and pay my own bills. I want to cook the way I like and throw it away if I don’t like it. I want to choose how I spend my time and with whom I will spend it. I want to live my own life, and make no excuses. I don’t want to have to justify myself. I’m tired of being afraid of making mistakes. I want to be free.

Freedom? I am afraid that if I was free, I would make the same mistakes all over again. Some stupid man might come along and I might be drawn back into prison again. I would never forgive myself if I did it again. I don’t want to be seduced by security or any other false hope. Even if it was real it is not worth the price I pay. I have lost all my privacy, my independence, self esteme and confidence.

I don't sing anymore. I can't dance. I can't fly.