Fate

I knew I was gay very early in life. There weren’t words to describe it and I wasn’t really sure what the words meant in relation to me when I did hear them. But I did know I didn’t want to be different. Life is hard enough. So I hid. I lied to myself and denied that I was a sexual creature. Rather than make a choice to lie or sneak around, I simply went without. I found enough pleasure and release with my own hand to survive. So I went off to college a virgin and very closeted. While there I decided to grow and actually live my life. I had three sexual encounters my sophomore year: a sneaked blow job in the research section of the library, a quick, nameless fuck in the bathroom in the biology building, and a mutual hand job under the bleachers at a baseball game.

That summer I knew that I wouldn’t be able to continue that nameless screwing around. I don’t know whether I waited too long to experiment or else I just wasn’t meant to go from guy to guy for a simple, mindless release. I didn’t even know any of the three guys’ names. Thank God I used condoms. So I decided to be honest with the world. I wasn’t going to sing out on the rooftops that I was gay, but if asked, I would tell the truth.

Junior year started with a new roommate. His name was Justin and he was a cutie. He had gingery hair but without the ruddy complexion of a redhead. There was just enough gold in his hair to keep him from being overly freckled and able to hold a tan in his skin. He was about six-two and I’d say close to 200 pounds. He looked solid and strong. He wore wire-rimmed glasses and his hair was short and slightly spiky around the part. He had gorgeous blue eyes and a very warm smile that lit up his whole face. He moved in his first load of stuff and I sat in my chair at my desk and was struck breathless. Every single fantasy I’d ever had about my perfect man all of a sudden had a face. My pulse raced and my body flushed. I couldn’t wait for him to come back, find out of those fantasies were going to come true. But like all fantasies, this one ended. Helping him was a cute, pretty girl of about the same age. His girlfriend, damn it! Well, I put a halt to my thoughts and just concentrated on getting to know this guy I would be sharing a small space with for the next nine months.

We did get along great. We had similar interests in movies, music, and books; just about everything. His girlfriend came up on a few weekends and I would make myself scarce so he could have some time with her. All the thoughts I had had of him in a sexual way were gone. During that time, I almost wondered if I was even a sexual being at all. I didn’t notice other guys. I never thought about going out and finding some sex. I found myself for those first few months wondering what it was all about. That changed soon enough.

Just before Christmas Break, Justin asked me if I was gay. I kept my promise and told him that I was. He just said ‘cool’ and that was about it. In January, after we had come back from break, he started asking me questions.

“Hey Marc, what’s it like sleeping with a guy?”

His question floored me. I sat there, making fish impressions with my mouth until the first flippant thing popped out of it. “Justin, what’s it like sleeping with a girl?”

He looked at me funny and asked what I meant.

I smiled, trying to word my response. “I’ve never been with a woman and I don’t know what it is like, you’ve never been with a guy.” I laughed. “I can’t tell you what sleeping with a guy is like because I don’t have a similar frame of reference.”

That seemed to end that conversation; or so I thought.

That Friday night, Justin came into the room after his late lecture and found me studying at my desk. He came over to me and leaned against the desk so he could look at me while we talked. This wasn’t unusual; we often talked like this.

“Okay Marc, I’m curious. I want to try it and see what it is like to sleep with a guy.”

My heart kind of died at that moment. “Well Justin, that’s fine, just make sure you find someone who is willing to experiment, go slow, and make sure you explain that this is a first for you.”

He kind of laughed and turned a little red. “Why can’t you be that guy?”

I really hadn’t seen where this was going. My jaw must have hit the floor. My mouth went dry and my heart started racing. I thought he might have been joking but the look in his eyes was very serious. I was hard instantly. I swallowed quite loudly.

“Justin, are you sure?”

“Very.”

I wanted him to have an out. I wanted to give myself an out. “You may not like it; I suggest we try something simple, like a kiss. That way there’ll be no harm if you don’t like it.”

He grinned at me and nodded. He moved slowly to me and took off his glasses and set them on my desk before cupping my face in his hands. He must have found my beard stubble interesting because he stroked my cheeks a little. He lowered his lips to mine and brushed them across mine slowly a few times. My heart almost burst from my chest as he lowered his lips firmly against mine and flicked his tongue out to lick the seam of my mouth. He didn’t lunge right in for a tonsil hunt, he moved slowly as if he had all the time in the world. God, he tasted good; mint and chocolate all in one. Too soon our first kiss ended and he pulled back to look at me.

I stood up from my chair and pulled him up too. I stand over him at six-five and I outweigh him by maybe twenty pounds. We are both strong and don’t really have any flab on us. We aren’t gym slaves, but we are toned and defined. When we were standing, I placed my hands on his chest and felt his heart pounding quickly against my palms as I started to unbutton his shirt. He put his hands at my waist and pushed under the hem of my t-shirt. His fingers felt wonderful as they fanned through the hair on my belly. I was blessed with slightly Italian looks. So I had dark brown hair and almost black eyes. My chest and stomach is covered in dark, shiny, baby-fine hair that thickens in the middle and runs almost like fur from mid chest down into my pants. He moved his hands slowly up, fanning his fingers out to cover my pecs with just enough pressure to make me moan. As I opened the last button on his shirt I placed my palms on his warm skin, dusted with the same golden red hair as on his head. I found his nipples and brushed my thumbs over them quickly and felt him shudder under my palms.

He pulled off my t-shirt and skimmed his hands over my shoulders and down my back. When he reached the waistband of my jeans, he kept going, smoothing his hands over my butt and pulled me against him. I knew then that he wasn’t going to stop because I could feel him hard against me. I leaned in for another kiss and he met me halfway. This time I got to explore his mouth. I got to feel his teeth and lightly rub the roof of his mouth. I caressed his tongue slowly, savoring the warm feeling that was building in my chest. We pulled back and moved over to my bed. He sat me down and pushed me back so I was propped on my elbows. He knelt down and untied my shoes and removed them and my socks. He then reached for the buttons on my jeans and released them slowly before sliding them off, leaving me in a pair of boxer-briefs. He rubbed my thighs as he pulled my pants off me before standing and kicking off his shoes and socks and shucking his jeans as well.

Justin climbed on the bed and lay by my side. He had a beautiful body. I was hairier, but he was sculpted better. He reached out to me and we kissed some more. Neither of us were very dominant in this kiss, we lay side by side and kissed each other as equals. He kept running his hands over me, stroking me to the point of madness. I gladly returned the favor. I didn’t know how far he wanted to go. I didn’t know what he had in mind so I kept waiting for him to lead me. He eventually did. He reached down the front of my underwear --which was quite soaked with my pre-cum. He held me gently at first, exploring me from tip to stem, learning my length and texture as he lightly caressed me. His moving in on me allowed me to discover him. I slid my fingers into his underwear and found his as wet as mine. I felt the head of his cock with my fingertips. He was hot and so very, very hard. His head was huge and almost engorged to painful. He was very thick from the head to the base, not overly long, maybe six or seven inches, but nicely thick, unbelievably thick. I wanted to taste him, learn the flavor of his juices first hand, but Justin had the reins and I wasn’t going to rush him.

His hand stroked me slowly; building me up to what I knew would be an explosive climax. As he stroked me, I returned the favor. My hand rubbed the head in my palm and the fingers stroked him slowly. I gasped out my pleasure and I soon realized that Justin is a moaner. As he started climbing towards release, he gasped and moaned a lot. He also leaked more than I ever had, his pre-cum lubricating the path my hand took on his shaft. I watched his eyes closely as we pleasured each other. He would close his eyes before a really powerful moan and then snap them back to mine when I would gasp. I watched his face as my hand felt him thicken before he exploded. He grunted loudly before the first flood of release hit my hand. He pulsed five or six times in my hand before closing his eyes and rolling his head flat against the mattress. He didn’t stop his motions on me. Throughout his incredible release, he still stroked me. After feeling him cum in my hand, my release was quickly approaching. Ten more strokes and I came violently against his hand. He opened his eyes to watch my face while I came. When the spasms finally stopped, he still kept his hand down my underwear, stroking me every few moments or so. He kissed me slowly before he stood up and pulled me with him.

He led me to the shower where we continued to touch and nuzzle each other. It was then that I realized that Justin was a sensual lover. He moved his hands over me, brushing them over my body, teasing and building me up. I couldn’t help but think how much his girlfriends must appreciate him in bed. After the soaping and rinsing, kissing and touching, we were both ready to go again. He had been in control from the beginning, but this time, I wanted it. I turned off the water and grabbed a towel and dried him off just as sensuously as we had been touching before. Once dried, I led him back to the bedroom and pushed him onto the bed and covered his body with mine. I wrapped my arms around his back and held his chest to mine tightly. I pulled one of his legs up over mine and ground my cock against his while kissing him deeply. I moved my mouth to his jaw and neck, nuzzling with my cheek what I couldn’t reach with my lips.

I knew we were getting close to the end, so I pulled back and levered myself on my arms over him. He smiled at me, that great smile that lit his entire face and sparkled in his eyes. I slid enough away so I could roll him over onto his belly. I massaged his shoulders and kissed my way from his neck to his hips. I then laid out a full assault on his ass. I kissed and tasted each cheek before sliding my fingers into his crack. My fingertips, sensitized by the soft hair, they found his puckered hole. With each stroke Justin tensed a little at first. But after a couple of moments, he relaxed and started to moan. When he opened his thighs wide so I could have better access, I lowered my face to his opening and tasted him. I laved the surrounding skin, kissing lightly and letting my chin rub against his hole. I moved down, letting my nose nuzzle before using my tongue to lick where he was most sensitive. I expected Justin to be put off, but he moaned louder. I swirled my tongue around him until he started to open, lapping at him with swift, wet strokes. Once opened, I darted my tongue into him over and over while sucking lightly at his ring. He was gasping and moaning, writhing on the bed. After a few minutes, he begged me to stop; he was on edge and needed to trip. I rolled him over and swallowed him whole. He was so thick in my mouth that my jaw ached. I had moved so quickly I didn’t think I could get him out without him going soft. I bobbed up and down on him, my lips stretched so wide that the suction was getting stronger with each breath I forced through my nose. Thankfully he was close anyway. Maybe 30 seconds of bobbing made Justin explode in my mouth. He came with such force that his first spurts went straight down my throat. But the last few trickles landed on my tongue and I savored his flavor. He was slightly sweet and quite thick. His breathing slowed and his cock started to relax enough I could pull off him. He had his eyes closed and a silly grin on his face. But until he had cum and relaxed, I didn’t realize how close I was either. I lay next to Justin while he recovered and started to stroke my swollen cock. I moved slowly, enough to ease the ache without exploding right away. I closed my eyes so I could relive the last few minutes. A few strokes later, my hand was brushed away and Justin’s mouth replaced it. He was inexperienced and nicked me once or twice with his teeth, but it didn’t matter, it was still one of the greatest experiences of my life. He moved slowly, took me shallowly, but I was so eager already, I quickly came. I tried to warn him, but he continued to move on me. My last protest died with my explosion. I pulsed forever inside his warm mouth. He choked a little from the first wave and pulled away, allowing cum to land on my belly and hip.

He reached over the bed and grabbed a towel we had dropped earlier. He cleaned me up a little than pulled the comforter over the both of us as he lay down beside me. He wrapped an arm over me and laid his head on my chest. I had never snuggled before after sex. It had always been a quick cum then out the door. I stroked his back as we drifted off.

During the rest of that night, we would turn to each other from time to time. I would reach for him, or he would reach for me. We would stroke each other until we came or we would suck each other off. Once I lay fully on top of him and let the friction of our rubbing cocks as I thrust against him bring us to orgasm. It was great. Before the night was over, because I knew once we left the bed it wouldn’t happen again, I wanted him to fuck me. Just after the sun started to rise, I looked over at Justin and saw him lying there, looking at me. He smiled slowly at me. I reached out and stroked him until hard. I leaned over him and grabbed a condom out of my bedside table. I opened it and had a hard time as I rolled it over his thickness. I also grabbed some lube from my drawer and fingered myself to ease his way. He watched me the entire time, very intent on what I was doing. I threw my knee over him so I straddled his thighs. I looked into his eyes as I lowered to him and kissed him. I stroked my fingers through the light hair on his chest. I raised myself slightly and lowered myself so that he entered me a little. It was going to be a very tight fit he was so thick. I lowered myself in fits and starts till I was on him to the hilt. Justin looked at me and asked if I was okay. I nodded and smiled before moving on him. He was so thick inside me. I felt filled completely. I bounced on him for a few minutes before he grabbed me and flipped us over so he was in charge. He leaned down to me and kissed me before he started thrusting heavily. His hips started to piston into me quickly. The sensations were so strong I felt dizzy from it. He was hitting my prostate so quickly and hard that I knew it would be over soon. I was hoping to wait a little, but it was too late, I exploded against Justin’s belly, shooting great amounts of cum into the golden hair on his belly and chest. I don’t know whether he had been close before I came or seeing me lose it under him caused him to cum, but either way, he shuddered very hard while buried deep inside me, spurting repeatedly into the condom.

He pulled out of me gently before lying down beside me. He removed the condom and set it aside before looking over at me. He grinned at me. Then he reached over and grabbed my cock and stroked it until I was hard. I didn’t understand where he was headed until he grabbed another condom. He rolled it down my length before grabbing the lube and ministered to himself. He was following the steps I had taken, but instead of sitting on me, he pulled me on top of him and led my cock to his opening. He didn’t give himself any time to adjust, he just grabbed my hips and pulled me towards him while he thrust his hips against me and took me deep. I was not as thick as he was, but I wasn’t small either. I had a good two or three inches in length on him and was thicker than most, but he was scary in his width. I refused to move until he opened his eyes. He was breathing hard and was clamping me so very tightly. After a minute I leaned down and kissed him slowly while moving a hand down to stroke him again. I lifted from the kiss and he opened his eyes. When he was hard in my hand I pulled my hips out a little and thrust back again. I continued my short thrusts until he started moving with me. I removed my hand from his cock and braced my hands on either side of his head. I then began moving in long strokes that almost had me pulling out of him before going deep again. He was moaning under me, pushing against me, meeting me thrust for thrust. I wanted it to go on and on, but I knew it wouldn’t last. I stared into his eyes while I pumped my hips into him. He smiled again, that wonderful, face-lighting smile and I knew that I was in trouble. With my body swimming in erotic sensations and Justin grinning at me, I lost my heart and knew that five months of friendship and an incredible night led to this moment when I fell in love with Justin. My heart slowed and beat heavily with what I was feeling. I felt tears well in my eyes and I knew he’d see it. I wanted to hide my feelings from him and proceeded to move faster, wanting him to cum before I did. He didn’t disappoint me. He cried out with a very loud moan as he released against me. His clamping with each spasm of his orgasm brought me to the edge and I erupted deep inside him.

When the storm calmed, I lowered down to kiss him. I knew that the kiss was desperate, just like I had become, but I wanted to let him know in some small way how wonderful he was and how much this night had meant to me. I got up and headed for the shower. The invitation for him to join me was unspoken. He didn’t. He showered after I did. We grabbed some lunch and things went back to normal, at least on the surface.

Over the next few weeks I knew I needed to forget my feelings. He was curious, he was experimenting, and it didn’t mean anything. I felt awkward around him and I was a little afraid he would know how I felt about him. We still hung out and did all the things we had done before, but I felt different. That summer I concentrated on getting past my feelings and accepting Justin as my friend only. Before the summer we had agreed to be roommates again. By September I thought for sure that I was over him. I believed it until I saw him again. It was no use; I was in love, the kind of love that doesn’t go away because you will it to. Over the next few months, I kept myself as busy as possible. I was still Justin’s friend; I just didn’t spend as much time with him.

After Spring Break, Justin informed me he and his girlfriend were getting married in October. He asked me to be his best man. He was moving to Seattle after he graduated, he had a great job lined up. I was moving home to Portland. I agreed to come up for the wedding and stand up with him on the big day. I showed up a few days before the wedding to do my duty as best man. Every time I am away from Justin I can lie to myself and say that I don’t love him, but the moment I hear his voice or see him again, I know that I am lying. I stood right beside him as he spoke his vows. I threw rice as they ran off to leave for their honeymoon. I got a postcard from Hawaii and I decided to get drunk, stinking blind drunk that lasted for three days. When I sobered up, I knew that I needed to cut myself off. I wouldn’t deny his calls, but I wouldn’t call him. I called it survival, but it was really denial.


Just as Justin was getting ready to celebrate his first anniversary, he called me and told me that his wife was pregnant. He was jumping around on the phone, ecstatic and scared at the same time. I really was happy for him. Over the next few months, I tried to date. I would go out from time to time and occasionally even go home with one of them. It never clicked. The sex was okay; it was fine. But there was nothing to it. It paled compared to that one night almost three years ago. So I gave up after a few times, okay twice.

I got one of the happiest calls I had ever heard one morning in April. Justin was the proud daddy of twin boys: Andrew and Matthew. I promised I would make the four-hour drive and see them later that day. I made the trip that afternoon. But, I was greeted by absolute horror in Seattle. Shortly after the boys were born, Justin’s wife threw a blood clot and had a massive stroke. She was dead. It all happened during the time I drove. Justin went from being a husband to a widower in such a short time. He was devastated.

When I arrived, Justin clutched me as if I were has last hope. I served as a lifeline to sanity. His heart was breaking. I held him in my arms at the hospital, damning myself because all I could think about was how right this felt. I wanted so badly to lift his face to mine and kiss his pain away. I wanted to take him home and show him that there was love in his life. That it hadn’t ended this day. I felt so damn guilty holding him, thinking these thoughts, and feeling like a bastard for having them in the first place.

The twins had been a little early. I helped Justin plan and carry out a funeral before he had to bring them home. The night before he was to bring the babies home, he begged me to stay and help him. I didn’t want to, I knew it would only lead to heartache. But I couldn’t leave him alone either. He told me that he could put them in daycare once they were a year old. He asked me to put my life on hold and take care of his children. I did the only thing I felt I could do. I called and quit my job and had my things shipped to Seattle. I stayed in the guest room of Justin’s house and helped care for two infants.

I knew nothing about babies. But I quickly learned how to change diapers and hold and feed two fast growing boys. I was there when they smiled the first time and giggled and laughed. I was there when they crawled for the first time and even for their first words. The first night that Andy got sick and I had to hold and rock him through his sniffles I knew I had made another huge mistake. I had grown to love these two little ones as much as I loved their father.

Justin was just as devoted as I was. He worked hard all day but came home and played and held both of them as much as he could before they went to bed. I got to the point where I didn’t even notice the extra laundry and cooking. I became a housewife.

There were some nights where Justin would close himself off in his room and things would get very quiet. But those nights became fewer and fewer the longer the months progressed. Our relationship became very odd. I couldn’t define what it was we shared. We were friends to the outside world; I became almost a live in domestic helper. But, there were moments of rare tenderness between us. When Matt pulled himself up on the coffee table and then fell down and bumped his head, we became two skittish parents holding and comforting a crying baby. We marveled over the first tooth together and we argued over what they would wear for their first pictures. We were so domestically normal. But there was no love spoken. There was no hint of a kiss or gentle caress. I didn’t expect any. I was a friend he needed, a buffer between unbearable loss and great responsibility. I understood how difficult life would be for them. Each year when the boys would want to celebrate their birthday, it would be a constant reminder of the death of Justin’s wife.

When the boys were almost a year old, I knew the time we agreed upon was almost over. I wanted to be there for their first birthday party but planned to leave after unless Justin asked me to stay. I was just pathetic enough to know I would stay until high school graduation if he would let me, even if things stayed just as they were between us. I didn’t know how to approach Justin about it. How would he feel celebrating the birth of his children on the same day he had lost his wife? I didn’t know what to do. But I screwed up my courage and approached him a few nights before their birthday.

“Justin, I want to talk about the boys’ birthday.”

“What about it?”

I was nervous about it. “I wanted to have a party for them, with presents and a cake.”

“I don’t see why not.”

I smiled at him and decided to press about our arrangement. “Justin, it has been a year. You told me that you would place the boys in daycare once they were one.” My voice trailed off, I didn’t know how to ask the questions; how to word them.

“I am going to put them in daycare so you can go on with your life. I have asked too much of you.”

“I didn’t mind. I was glad to help.” I knew my heart was ripping. He was sending me away. “I’m going to miss them so much. I was hoping they would take their first steps before I left.” My heart was in my throat; I was wringing my hands, nervous and hurting. “I’m kind of worried about it actually, the books I read said they should be walking—“

He cut me off. “You are not their mother.”

I was shocked. “No, I am not. I am just concerned.”

“You are not their father either.” He was so angry all of a sudden.

Where was this coming from? “No you are their father. They call you ‘daddy’. They just call me Marc.”

“Why are you hanging around Marc? Why don’t you get a life and stop living yours vicariously through mine? Are you hoping I will be looking for a mother to replace my wife? Trust me, I won’t be asking you to fill in for her.”

If he had punched me in the stomach I don’t think he could have made the air leave me any faster. I knew then that he probably knew how I felt about him. He knew and I must have come up lacking.

“You’re right Justin.” I guess I’m transparent. “If it is okay with you I will stay for the party and then go. I’ll be all packed and gone once they are in bed that night.”

He looked at me kind of strangely. So I continued. “Justin, I know that one night doesn’t mean anything here.” I pointed to my head then moved my hand to my heart. “But I can’t seem to get it here.”

I turned from him and left. I went into my room and decided to start packing. I had nine days to figure out where I was going and what I would do when I got there. Over the next couple of days I took as many pictures of Matt and Andy that I could. I called my folks and decided to move in with them for a few weeks in Portland to get on my feet. The night before the boys’ party, Justin tried to give me a check. God; that hurt. I was no longer a friend, but a domestic servant having done a job. Because I knew it was a hard time for him full of painful memories, I took the check but knew I would never cash it. During the party I gave Justin a wide berth and just enjoyed watching the boys smash their fists into their cakes. I had given them a set of riding/push toys that would allow them to toddle along behind or push them along like a bike. Everyone left but Justin and his mom. He went into his room and I carried my things out to my car. I had the last load in and wanted to say goodbye to the boys one last time. I walked into their room and saw Andy awake. He had pulled himself up to standing. His face lit up when he saw me and banged his hands against the crib. I walked over and picked him up and cuddled him when I sat down in the rocker. I looked down into his blue eyes, so much like his daddy’s.

“I am going to miss you and your brother so much.” I stroked a finger over his face, curling around his cheek, tracing the slope of his nose. “But I need to leave. I need to live my life for myself and not vicariously through your daddy.” He smiled at me and grabbed my finger. “I know, you don’t know what vicarious means. I guess I have just been an emotional vampire, craving to be around your dad to get a few scraps of his time.” He grinned at me and I felt my throat tighten with tears. “Of course you want to know why I am in here telling you and not your daddy.” His hand came up and patted at my face, I pretended to bite it and he started laughing. “The truth is I could never get over one night we spent together. I fell in love with your daddy and never had the courage to tell him.” I cradled him to me, hugging him hard. “I love you Andy and I will miss you every day once I am gone. But you’re lucky. Within a few months, you won’t remember me. But I will always remember you. Even when you are forty years old I will still love you and hold in my heart this past year. And I will always love your daddy. If I weren’t such a coward I would go tell him that.” Andy yawned in my arms and I stayed quiet while I rocked him to sleep. When he was out I picked him up and put him in his crib. I walked over to Matt’s crib and leant down and kissed his soft head then walked out the door. I went back into my room and found the check Justin had given me. I wrote VOID over it and left it on the dresser. I walked out and found Justin’s door open and the room dark. I found Justin’s mom sitting on the couch. I told her goodbye before I walked out. Justin wasn’t there. I made it almost all the way to Portland before I broke down. I checked into a hotel in Centralia and decided to stay there before going on in the morning.

Life became a lot like a black and white movie, lots of shadows but no light, no color. I had moved into my own place within a month of returning to Oregon. I didn’t date; I just worked and came home, to sit and read without comprehending, watch television without seeing, and sleep without dreaming. I knew I was in a grand funk, my mother was afraid I wasn’t going to pull out of it. But I refused to call and ask after the boys or Justin. I was going to move on.

The boys’ birthday was on April 12th. On June 1st, I was home, wondering whether or not to go out when a knock at my door stirred me from my musings. Justin stood there, smiling at me. Oh God! I am never going to get over him. I smiled back at him. He had a bag in his hand and he sort of pushed into my apartment and told me he needed to talk to me.

“How are the boys?”

“Good, they miss you. Andy took his first step the other day.”

I just smiled at him. It must have been a little wobbly because he stepped closer to me. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me lightly. He pulled back and looked at me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

My heart was beating madly and I couldn’t focus on what he was saying. “Tell you what?”

“That you loved me.”

I looked at him strangely. He just went on. “The baby monitor was on when you were saying goodbye. Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Oh Justin, how could I tell you that I couldn’t get over one night in bed with you. That I knew that morning you would turn away from me and I couldn’t face that.” I walked away from him, staring out the window. “Justin, I never meant to fall. I tried to get over it. I didn’t stay and help you because of it either.”

“I thought that night… I didn’t think you thought it was as wonderful as I did. I love you Marc.”

I was shocked. What was he saying? Good question, so I asked him. “Justin, what are you saying?”

“I love you. I need you. I want you to come home with me.”

“I’m confused.”

He smiled at me, that same shiny smile I fell in love with. “I loved my wife and I’m sad that she died, but I don’t want to live my life alone. If she were still alive, I would have stayed with her, happily, until the day I died. But she did and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

I was still in shock. He had been so angry with me. Here he is telling me everything I ever wanted to hear. He must have sensed I was lost.

“Marc, I was confused. I felt guilty for wanting to move on with my life. I had a feeling you wanted me, but I felt guilty about wanting you too. So I said those horrible things and hurt you. I needed some more time and I wasn’t able to ask you to stay. I needed this time away, to realize how much I missed you, before I could face my past and move on. I’m so sorry.”

“But you’re not gay.”

“When we were together, I realized that I could be with you and not question. I was attracted to you and I was curious. But that first time jerking off on your bed would have satisfied my curiosity. Everything else was enjoyment and discovery. Do I have a label that describes my desires, maybe, but I don’t need it and I don’t care.” He cupped my face in his hands and brushed his lips against mine. “I’ve never been one to go from person to person. I seem to only be able to be with one person and when I find that person, it needs to be forever. I tried to be indiscriminate, but I was dissatisfied. Making love to someone I loved was so much more satisfying than having sex with a virtual stranger.”

“You love me?”

He smiled that smile again. “With all my heart.”

“Where are the boys?”

“With my mother. I figured we needed some time to be together, to learn ourselves again. We need to make love and talk and laugh and love.”

With that he took my hand and on a tour of my apartment until he found my bedroom. He pushed me down on my king-size bed and took off my shirt. He lowered his head to my chest and lapped at the hair in the middle, stroking lightly and moved slowly to my nipple. He latched onto it with his teeth, biting hard. I cried out and he then released it and laved it, soothing the sharp sensations. He pulled off and blew cool air over it and I shuddered under him. He knelt between my legs and drew off his shirt and started shucking his jeans and shoes and socks. In seconds he was naked in front of me. He stood very hard in front of me; so very, very thick and curved up slightly. He grabbed my jeans and underwear in one grip and yanked them off me so I was just as nude as he. I stood at attention, so hard that I bobbed with each beat of my heart. He lowered himself on me; chest to chest and cock to cock. He kissed me hard and began humping against me. I pulled back from his hard kiss and warned him that I wouldn’t last long; it had been so very long since I had been with anyone. He told me it had been since before his wife died that he had made love. He shut me up with another deep kiss. A few more thrusts of his hips and I exploded into the soft fur on his belly. Feeling me explode, he let loose into the hair on my chest. He came so much that I was afraid I would have my hair glued as if by bubble gum.

He had completely collapsed against me. I wrapped my arms around him and we dozed. We woke up a little while later. When we tried to pull away from each other, we were stuck together with cum. We laughed and moved in tandem to my shower. The warm water allowed us to pull apart without ripping out chunks of hair. We washed each other off and kissed long and hard. We were connecting physically, spiritually and emotionally.

We moved from the shower and collapsed on the bed. He went searching in my bedside table and didn’t find what he wanted. He looked at me and asked how long it had been. I told him the truth, since just after his wedding almost three years ago. He was shocked at first then saddened that I was alone for so long. I simply told him I wasn’t alone until I came home after the birthday party. I had a family and love while I had been at his house. He was disappointed I didn’t have what we would need to make love. I told him that I had some Vaseline in the bathroom and it would do if he wanted to forgo a condom. He didn’t even question, he got up and got the Vaseline and we went at each other. We had a minor skirmish over who would go first. We both wanted the other to be happy and we both wanted to receive. After a few minutes I grabbed a penny off the table and we flipped for it. Once the coin was flipped and Justin had greased up his cock, we both laughed at how ridiculous we had been. I was still giggling until Justin pressed to me. I arched my back at the extreme pleasure. He was so considerate and gentle. It had been so long and he knew how thick he was. He moved slowly, rocking me gently until he had seated himself fully. He kissed me deeply and asked if I was okay. When I smiled and nodded, he began to move.

Memories fade over time, and I had definitely relived our previous time together. The memory had faded, but the new reality overwhelmed me. He moved within me slowly. I clasped him and he thrust. We were one undulating mass of raw, sensitized nerve endings. When we would get close to the edge, he would stop so we had to build again and again. I thought it was cruel. I thought it was heaven. Justin looked down at me and smiled, that same smile of warmth and it was too much. I exploded against him. I must have spurted for minutes against the soft hair on his chest and belly. He looked down at the damage I had caused and laughed before shuddering into me.

We took turns after that. We spent the next six days in bed, laughing, talking, and loving. We decided to move into a different home in Seattle so he could keep his job, but we would live in a home of our choosing. His mom was a bit surprised by our coming together, but not upset. Justin wanted me to adopt the boys. His late wife’s parents weren’t keen on the idea. I was willing to drop the idea to smooth the strong emotions. But Justin demanded it. Eventually it worked out. They had seen how well I cared for the boys and how much I loved them. After a few years they admitted that if Justin had remarried they would know that his new wife would raise their grandchildren. It just took them some time.

I almost forgot. When we picked up the boys from his mother’s after our wonderful week in my apartment, the boys both ran into my arms. They hadn’t forgotten me. I don’t usually cry. I had never been a crier. But I was right there in the entryway of Justin’s mom’s house. We both just turned 30 a few months ago. The boys are in the first grade and very precocious. There have been a few bumps in our road, mostly from external sources. But each new wave simply makes us stronger. Legally, we are nothing. Spiritually, we are inseparable. Fate brought us together in college and horrible tragedy brought us together for good. I found that one must never question fate.