Hidden Self

Disclaimer: Okay this is just something to help me from being sued LOL, anyways I do not nor will i ever own any of the characters in either the Harry Potter books or in the film, just wanted to expand my area of writing so trying this out. I am making no profit out of this and I am merely writing it for my own enjoyment.

Part of movie/books : After the 5th Book

Summary: When one family member falls, what happens to the people he leaves behind?

Spoilers: None that I know of

Author's Notes: Um thought I would take a look into Draco and his thoughts

HIDDEN SELF

As I sit in this compartment on my way to Hogwarts, I can't help thinking, is my father really as bad as the press makes him out to be? I know he has bad points, he's arrogant, selfish, malicious, self involved and power hungry but was he really capable of murder and did he really torture people in the service of Lord Voldermort? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, he was never a very good father. His idea of showing me attention or affection was to shower me with expensive things and amuse me with trinkets, at the time I didn't argue but then I felt if I was a good son he would show me that he might actually care for me in some way.

This of course never happened, he was always far too involved in whatever plot his "master" had in store for Harry Potter and Muggles, quite sad really. My father was a brilliant wizard, there was no disputing that but at the end of it all he was nothing more than a shell of the man he was. He had been so consumed by his hate and twisted by the lies of Lord Voldermort, there was nothing of his real self left. My father was gone, my mother even admits it. Tells me he isn't the man she fell in love with, no surprise there really. How could I expect anything from him? Foolish thinking on my behalf, fanciful dreams of a young boy who's father meant everything to him but now looking back on it all. I'm no longer that boy and perhaps in retrospect I never was, convinced myself I was to make having Lucius Malfoy as my father bearable.

My thoughts wander to Potter and his friends, they dwell on Potter and I almost envy him for not having parents and never having to experience the disappointment I have suffered. Hermione had the perfect parents, as much as I loathed to admit it so did Ron Weasley. From what I could tell, despite being poor examples of wizards, wait that was what his father used to say. I would no longer restrict myself to what my father had said or done, I was going to make a fresh start. One that did not involve my father, Lucius Malfoy was an evil man. Everyone seemed to have come to that conclusion, everyone but me and maybe my mother it would seem. It was a conclusion I had forced myself to come to terms with, but you would think his sneers and constant put downs would have taught me that by now wouldn't you?

Potter and his friends think I'm just this nasty boy who picks on them but they never bother to stop and wonder why I am the way I am. Then again I wouldn't have either, if someone had been constantly mean to me I would have done the same as them. I really have no idea what I am to do next, mother seems more lost than usual. She stumbles around the house like some common house elf, like not having my father there has removed a vital part of herself. Surely if I could survive she could too? My mother like my father thought the best way to raise me was in hate and to quiet my yearns for attention by giving me a new expensive thing, neither one of them seemed to think a simple hug would have done just as well.

I dread my next term of Hogwarts, I can guarantee people will be looking at me and whispering about my father behind my back. The only people I can truly trust not to say a thing are my fellow Slytherins, they have a great respect for my father which in some ways I wish I shared. The fools actually think that Lord Voldermort is their salvation, their freedom from the rules set out by people like Albus Dumbledore but little do they know, they will just become puppets for the dark lord. He will twist them to met his own ends and discard them if he sees fit to do so, I know with the name of Malfoy I am expected to become Voldermort's puppet but I have a plan of my own. I will become his puppet but also play him for a fool as Severus Snape did all those years ago, I will get close. Close enough to know all his plans and then I will strike at the heart of the snake himself, I will bring him to his knees and save whatever is left of my soul.

Made Prefect last term, I suppose I should be proud but I'm not entirely sure I deserve it? I didn't think I had set a very good example to many students in my years at Hogwarts whereas Granger and Weasely had I must admit. All I can hope is, my being Prefect had nothing to do with my father, he may have been disgraced and placed in that prison but he still had connections, I knew for sure my father would do anything to make sure the Malfoy reputation was upheld. Malfoy reputation, I couldn't help but snicker at the thought of that. This supposed reputation that mattered so much to my father and mother alike, I had once made the foolish mistake of asking why it mattered so much and I learnt dearly from that.

Everyone thinks I'm just biting at the bit to be the next Deatheater but how little they know. They have no idea how much I hate Lord Voldermort, for everything he has done and for what he turned my father into. I knew what the students would think about me now, they would think I had the dark mark already and was there to kill them but I was not going to walk with my head lowered, I would walk with my chin held high and meet their judging looks with the same coolness as before. I still had Crabbe and Goyle, they would not abandon my side but that might be because their fathers knew mine but if they knew of my plans, they might think twice about sticking around. Potter and his friends always did say they were my bodyguards, my henchman. My lips curl into a small smile at this thought, henchman? me? My father would be so proud, shuddering at the mere thought of him I remind myself he is locked away, hopefully never to be set free ever again.

My eyes move to watch the surroundings fly by, my thoughts moving almost fast as this train. I feel so alone right now, I know what I have to do and why I want to do it but I can't help but feel lonely in my choice. How am I to look the other Slytherins or my mother for that matter in the eye again? I must talk to Snape as soon as possible, I feel he is the only one that will truly understand what I want do and I know I can trust him. I suspect he will be serving his old role in the last war between Voldermort and Dumbledore, a role I wish to cultivate as my own. One I think I would excel at, I mean for all these years I have been lying to myself convincingly and not even knowing until recently, surely it would be easy to lie to Voldermort?

Hearing the sound of laughter I look back to the corridor beside my compartment and narrow my eyes as Potter and his friends walk past laughing before I meet Granger's gaze, I could tell she was dying to say something but for some unknown reason she didn't. She simply hurried Potter and the Weasel along, pondering this change in her for a moment before I shrug it off, probably just wasn't in the mood for an argument. To tell the truth I was tired of the constant bickering those three Gryffindors and I participated in, all we did was go in a circle. Never changing, never becoming more than hated enemies and to me that part of my life was over.

Maybe one day I would explain that to them, let them see the real me but for now I had to make sure they believed I was the still same old Draco. The one that taunted them every chance he got, the same old Draco who would go out of his way to make sure they got into trouble or even worse, expelled from Hogwarts. I had put on a facade for so long, it shouldn't be hard to keep up. The day when the walls, the facade, everything people thought I was could be shattered but the time was not now, I would continue the way I had been going so I didn't alarm anyone. I would make my father proud by being everything he ever wanted and more, I would convince the dark lord himself I was a true Malfoy and then I would make him pay for all that he has done.

I will be free one day, free from my father's rule and I will be free of the name Malfoy I would see to that. I just didn't know how yet but I would find a way, no longer dictated to and no longer told I was useless or a waste of space. I can actually smile at this thought as I know even if I die trying to achieve this, I will be free at last, the one thing I have craved since I was born. Running a hand through my no longer gelled silver blonde hair, I would despite my appearance make myself my own person and climb above the name of Malfoy. Perhaps I could choose my own destiny, my own fate instead of the one forced upon me all because of my surname, I know you can't pick your family but you certainly can choose to be different from them.

Hearing shouts I realise we have arrived at Hogwarts at long last, gathering my things I say a silent goodbye to the compartment in which I made the most important decisions of my life in before heading for the exit of the train, sneering as Harry headed my way,

" What Potty? Faithful old Weasel not helping you with the bags or is he too busy following the Mudblood around like a little lost puppy?"

The words flow so easily out of my mouth, I couldn't quite believe I was saying them but I had to maintain appearances and make them all believe I was the bad guy, Potter just made a face at me so I simply smirked at him and exited the train. Taking a deep breath, I know from here on out things will be different maybe not on the outside but on the inside, smiling my own little smile I walk towards Hogwarts with my mind set.

I will change my fate, I will overcome it all and become the person I've always wanted to. Yes I Draco Malfoy will gain my wings and fly free!

THE END