You Never Know (revised)

It was exactly 5 years ago today that we met. Neither of us expected it. It was just a routine job for you. For me it was a worker coming to the house. Normally I would have taken time to make sure I and the house looked presentable but why bother. I’d never see you again. You were no one that would make a difference in my life. How wrong was I.

You came to the house I shared with my husband to install a burglar alarm. You installed so much more and you don’t even know it. We spent the day together talking and laughing and enjoying each other’s company as if we were old friends. We talked about everyday things; your wife, my husband, your kids, camping trips, etc. We like the same things; nature, animals, traveling. I felt as if we had known each other for years. The same conversation with another man would have been mundane but with you it was electric. I never felt so comfortable with a man in my life. This was our first and last encounter but it meant more to me than you will ever know. Because even though nothing sexual happened that day, I wanted it to. But something even more “invading” happened.

You transformed my life. You were put into my life that day because the Universe needed to let me know it was time; time to start acting on my fantasies of happiness. You were my catalyst. You are the reason, 5 years later, that I am happier than I’ve ever been in my life. You are the reason I am now about to embark on a career that I know will be very successful and will allow me to help so many people who are now in the same position I was then.

All my life I had been everyone’s doormat. Though I come from a large family and had been with my husband for thirteen years, I was lonely and alone. My husband wanted nothing to do with children so I gave up the dream of being a Mom to please him. In the past I dabbled in the arts; photography, drawing, painting, pottery; creative pursuits that made me feel more real to myself. And one day I woke up to realize I no longer existed.
And I realized that during those thirteen years every shred of creativity had been sucked out of me by his constant criticism. I knew I wasn’t the greatest artist alive but it gave me pleasure and made me feel good about myself when I could create something from raw materials or catch an emotion in an animal’s face with my camera. But I didn’t have the confidence to stand up to him and continue developing my talent.

Then you knocked on my door. Until that day I wondered if there was something wrong with me. Was I capable of being sexually aroused by a man. Was I capable of loving a man truly and deeply. Was I capable of living my life the way I always dreamed it to be. Those questions have since been answered with a resounding YES!! I am capable of all those things and so much more. The triumph I feel for having overcome my past; the recognition that I am a strong, independent, talented woman who can move on to my ideal life belong to our meeting that day.

Your last name is Moore. I thought it was ironic that after meeting you I began wanting “more” for myself. Until then, I put everyone else first and me at the bottom of the list. It was a long struggle but I finally moved to the top of my list. I finally realized that if I don’t come first, I have nothing to give to anyone else. You can’t know all that I’ve gone through. All the pain, the longing, the searching, the inward journey, the learning, the acceptance, the love and the happiness over these past years belong to you. I doubt I will ever see you again. I doubt you even remember me. But I owe a debt of gratitude to you that I can only repay by giving to others. You were my catalyst. I hope I can give to others what you’ve given to me. I wish you every happiness.


THANK YOU!