Maybe

When I think of you I feel like you’re here with me. When I turn to look at you, you’re gone. What was I thinking when I allowed myself to fall in love with you? Why did I think it could work? You’re funny, intelligent, sweet, caring, kind, considerate. And 20 years younger than me. You’re everything I always wanted in a mate. A friend, a mentor, a lover, a man of integrity. A gentle man in every way. And yet you say you have your dark side. You made sure to show me parts of that side. Why?
I know I wasn’t wrong when I finally allowed myself to believe it could be possible. I fought my feelings for you for a long time. I didn’t want to be that pathetic older woman running after a much younger man. Then one day you called me a “sexy bitch”. No man ever called me sexy before. Here I am pushing 50 and you’re the first man ever who thought I was sexy. You actually had me believing it. We danced around the issue for a while. You seemed so happy when I showed you I was interested. And we danced again for a week. Then all of a sudden – a wall. Why?
I know I’m not wrong when I look to the future and “know” that we’re meant to be together. I know you have issues, you have things you need to get out of your system. I know I need to stay out of your way. You said you were shocked when I finally told you I love you. Why?
Maybe because you thought I couldn’t love you. Maybe because you thought you were too young for me. Maybe because you thought I was too old for you. Maybe because you thought your dark side would be too dark for a “lady” to be able to accept. I could maybe myself to death. In fact I often do.
But the final truth is – I love you. I feel like I always have and I know I always will. And I believe in some way you love me, too. So I leave you alone. I look for myself and I pursue my own life. I force myself to change the subject every time you pop into my mind. It’s finally starting to get a little easier. I can actually go 5 minutes without thinking of you. Then, POP, there you are again.
Maybe one day we’ll be together. Maybe not. Maybe life plays tricks on us. Maybe I imagined all the signs I saw over the past year. Maybe I’m so desperate and lonely that I made it all up. There I go again with the maybes. Maybe, just maybe, all of this is a dream. Maybe I’ll wake up one day and find I’ve been with you all along. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
I love you. Be happy. Be you.