A Dissertation Upon Lawn Mowing

A DISSERTATION UPON LAWN MOWING

OR

DID JULIE ANDREWS HAVE THE RIGHT IDEA?

         First, let me say that I may have some slight bias on this subject. From before I was in high school until well after college I mowed upwards of twelve lawns a week. Some were twenty-minute quickies; others were four to five hour monstrosities that caused me to wonder if I would ever get done. And in case you are wondering, all were mowed with a push mower. Not the original push mower, but one with a motor, and yes I mowed lawns in the dark, and yes I still dream about them, as well as clearing trees from power lines, but that’s another story. Suffice it to say, that long about my twenty-fourth year on this planet, when I was working at a minimum wage job and mowing lawns for spending money (translation beer and fishing bait), astro-turf and macadam were looking pretty good to me. So there may be a slight prejudice here. You are forewarned.

         Ever since the vegetation in front of our office began its yearly growth pattern this spring I have been treated to comments such as: “When are they going to mow the lawn? I am ashamed to come to work.”, “ “Man, does this look ugly!”, “What about all the rodents that hide in there?”, “ Why can’t we mow the lawn, like everyone else?”. Mostly I have taken these comments in stride and not responded - somewhat amused that they thought by complaining to me the vegetation would miraculously be mowed one day. They did get me thinking though. (I know, I know, there’s a first time for everything.)

         Notice I don’t refer to our office vegetation as a lawn. Webster defines a lawn as “ a stretch of grass covered land kept closely cut.” By definition we don’t have a lawn. We don’t even have a meadow. Webster defines that as “a piece of grassland, especially one used for hay.” I think I would call it a meadow. I just like the sound and feel of the word. In case you’re wondering we don’t fit under grassland either. We do probably fit under field. Webster has lots of definitions for that word. So if we called it a wildflower field we would be pretty close to keeping Webster happy. Why would we mow a wildflower field? Why do we mow grass and when did it start? Well, it’s Saturday morning, it’s raining (big surprise) and I’m bored. Enter the Internet and Google.com.

         It seems the idea of a well-manicured lawn started with the aristocracy in England and France somewhere between the Middle Ages and the Industrial Revolution. Only the wealthy had “lawns”. They employed peasants and sheep to keep them trimmed closely. The sheep used their teeth. The peasants used their scythes. Somewhere in the middle of all this the French peasants decided to use their scythes and various other implements to trim the aristocracy instead of the grass. Methinks the rich folk should have let the grass grow. It seems a well-manicured lawn was a sign of wealth and power and quite possibly contributed to the causes of the French Revolution. Well, maybe not the latter.

         From there it wasn’t a large leap to thinking that everyone had to have a well-manicured lawn. Over the next several hundred years, this did, to a large extent occur. A curious side note: George Washington and Thomas Jefferson both used sheep to keep their lawns trimmed, as did Woodrow Wilson at the White House during World War I. You remember World War I? The war to end all wars? You must have read about it. It was in all the papers. George and Tom wisely left the peasants out of the deal and Woodrow freed them from their lawn care duties so they could do more mundane things such as fight in the trenches of Europe. Lucky peasants.

         In the mid 1800’s an Englishman by the name of Edwin Budding came up with the first reel type mower. He built it after watching a machine at a textile mill that was used to shear the nap on velvet. The use of the word shear leads me to believe those crafty sheep were somehow involved. It took an American to refine the process. In 1870 Elwood McGuire of Indiana made the machine more user friendly and by the mid 1880’s we were building 50,000 mowers a year and shipping them world wide.

         If you’ve ever used a reel mower, you know we should’ve stuck with the sheep. If you’ve ever sharpened the curved blades on a reel mower, you have my deepest admiration. Come look me up when you get out of the Home For The Mildly Bewildered. We’ll take turns counting our remaining fingers. The power mower as we know it today really didn’t become a factor until after World War II. You remember World War...? Oh, nevermind.

         Why do we need to mow the grass? In true, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery fashion, one website I visited listed the top 10 reasons to have a lawn. I list them below, with of course, my commentary,

Top ten reasons to have a lawn

#10 Gives you some place to put your feet when you walk out the back door.

So does any vegetative cover

#9 Covers up all that brown stuff underneath it.

Ditto

#8 Gives you a reason to fire up your lawn mower every week.

I’d rather have a reason not to.

#7 No need to go elsewhere to get grass stains.

Stains whether it’s mowed or not.

#6 It smells good when you cut it.

It smells good when the flowers bloom.

#5 It gives weeds a place to stand out and be recognized.

A weed is simply a plant growing where you don’t want it. Confucius says, Embrace your weeds and they become the flowers you never had. (He didn’t really say that but I betcha he wishes he had)

#4 What else could you spend your money on that doesn't complain about it not being the right color or size?

My fishing boat?

#3 The grass is so much better for your dog to take care of business on than your living room carpet.

Better yet on the neighbor’s lawn.

#2 It's the closest your kids will ever get to playing at Wimbledon.

I’d be happy if my kids could spell Wimbledon.

#1 It just looks pretty.

Ah, Grasshopper. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.


         While it is evident the list above was done tongue-in-cheek, it is worthwhile to note, there is nothing on the list such as:

1. If you don’t mow your lawn the peasants will hunt down you and the evil doctor who created you.

2. Failure to mow your lawn will result in a huge tax penalty.

3. If you do not mow your lawn you must go directly to jail, do not pass Go, and do not collect two hundred dollars.

         Oh, by the way. The Outdoor Power Equipment Institute will tell you all sorts of reasons why you should mow your lawn. Hmmm, I wonder why? To be fair, there are some strict environmentalists/conservationists that will match that list with another list as to why you shouldn’t mow your lawn.

         I believe we have been conditioned, as a society, over the past several hundred years to believe the only good lawn is a mowed lawn. We have herbicided, pesticided and monocultured ourselves into believing a well manicured lawn is all we will accept. It speaks to our need of wealth and power. It is, in a way, a commentary on our society, as it exists today.

         Am I saying don’t mow your lawn? No. If that’s what you want to do, knock your socks off, it’s your lawn. But open up your mind to other possibilities, to other forms of the definition of pretty. Try this experiment. Close your eyes... no not yet. Finish reading this. Close your eyes and think, “Sound of Music”. Let your mind visualize your memory of that movie. OK, go ahead and do it.

         You can open your eyes now. I SAID, YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES NOW!!

         Are you back? Good. I’m going to bet that a good number of you pictured the scene with Julie Andrews and the children romping through the meadow of wildflowers in the foothills of the Alps singing songs. The flower blooming I believe was Edelweiss, not that it matters. Now close your eyes again and picture the same scene on a newly mowed lawn. Doesn’t invoke quite the same feeling does it?

         To those of you that immediately went from Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music to her one and only topless scene in the movie S.O.B. Shame, shame, shame. To those of you that went immediately to that scene after simply reading the title, you are in dire need of serious therapy.

         I truly believe the blooming of the daisies and other wildflowers at our office over the last couple of weeks is a much prettier scene then a newly manicured lawn. I like watching them wave in the breeze. I anxiously await the next plant to bloom. What will it be? My only regret is that the original seed mixes weren’t thought out a little better and I wish that the implementation had been more professional. I think we could’ve had a great wildflower field around our office instead of just an average one. Mind you, I’m not complaining. Hindsight is always 20-20.

         In closing I leave you with the following:

         Keep the daisies – lose the lawnmower.

         Thru judicious perennial plantings, pond and railroad construction I have eliminated better than 50% of the lawn at my house and I’m contemplating going back to a reel type mower one day.

         Don’t worry about the rodents. The vegetation also hides the things that eat them. Just the other day I saw this HUGE garter snake...

         Whether the vegetation is cut or not cut shouldn’t really be a major concern. What should concern us more is that there are people out there that have devoted entire websites to Julie Andrews’ 15-second topless scene. Some people have entirely too much time on their hands.

         And last…..

         Somewhere in this vast world there is a reel-to-reel tape of me singing the songs from The Sound of Music and Mary Poppins………..in soprano.

Remember:

Keep an open mind.