Jerk-O-Lantern

Jerk-O-Lantern

Once upon a time there was a big brother and his little sister. Everyone thought the big brother was just wonderful. He was always polite, cheerful, a good sport, and turned in all his homework. Mind you, he didn't actually do the homework, his sister did that. After he was especially polite to someone, he'd come and tell his poor sister what he really thought. He told her about all the nasty things he'd like to do on the playing field.

Every morning when he woke up, he'd go to his parents and say, "Good morning, Mother, dear. Morning, Dad!" and give them each a hug. Then he'd go into his sisters' room, yank the covers off her, grab her ankle, and pull her out of bed. He'd say, "Get up, brat, I want some damn breakfast."

One day as his sister was searching the newspaper for a homework assignment (his, not hers, of course) she found an article about a murder. It said, "Police are baffled by the murder of a local woman, apparently the random work of an unknown man."

For days afterward, the little sister would make the same wish at every opportunity, "I wish Random Man would do something to my rotten brother." When the clasp of her necklace slid around and touched the pendant, she'd wish. When she saw the first star of evening, she'd wish. If she saw a four-leafed clover, four out-of-state license plates in a row, broke an egg without breaking the yolk; every time, she made the same wish for Random Man.

Then Halloween came. The sister loved Halloween more than any other holiday. Her mother would make her a fabulous costume, her father would decorate a gigantic bag for her treats, and off she'd go, with one of them, trick-or-treating for hours. Everyone would give her at least two pieces of candy because she was so adorable, and very polite. She never said trick-or-treat, she always said, "I'd like a treat, please, if you're giving them out." And as she left each door, no matter what she was given, even if they'd run out of candy, she'd say, loud and clear, "Thank you! Happy Halloween!"

But this year was different. Her parents had been invited to a party, and decided that the brother was old enough to escort his sister. The brother was furious, though he hid it from his parents. He told them he'd love to take his sister around, he was so proud to be seen with her, and he was much too old to trick-or-treat himself.

As they left the house, the brother told his sister, "I get half the candy, brat. And I get to pick which half, too, I'm not gonna let you stick me with all the crap. You should be grateful I let you keep any. And, if you give me any grief, or tell anybody, I'll punch your lights out, got it?"

Just then, the sister looked up through her tears, and saw a shooting star. She wished her usual wish, but with every ounce of strength in her little body, this time. This time, she really, really meant it. "Random Man, please, please, save me. Please do something to my rotten brother, the Jerk-O-Lantern next to me. Thank you."

The little sister didn't know where her brother had gone; she just reached the sidewalk after about the tenth house, and he wasn't waiting for her. Since they were still on their own block, she finished those houses. Then she asked her neighbor if she could go around with the neighbor and his daughter. So, she didn't go to nearly as many houses as usual, but she had fun just the same.

When her parents got home, they found a note from the neighbor. It said, "Your daughter is at my house. Your son left her, and I didn't want to leave her home all alone. She can spend the night with my daughter, if it's okay with you."

The little sister came home the next morning, but her brother was never seen again. At least, not alive. The little sister eavesdropped as the police told the parents what happened. The little sister wrote it in her diary that night, in her own words:

A random guy came up to Jerk-O-Lantern (hereafter known as JOL) and took him to a deserted house. Random reached down, grabbed JOL by his nasty, thorny stem, and ripped his head off!

Then Random reached deep into JOL, and, one goopy handful at a time, ripped his guts out. Next, Random scooped JOL's insides until they were paper thin, and cut holes for an ugly face in JOL's body. That night, Random put JOL's smelly corpse on a window ledge, stuck a lit candle down his neck hole, rested his
head back in place, and showed everyone who JOL really was.

Then Random went night-night, had lovely dreams, and lived happily ever after. And so did the little sister.