SEVEN-YEAR (sw)ITCH

Chapter One

Do you believe in Hell? I do, because I've been there. It's not the place where you burn for eternity. It's the place you fear the most. I would say, fire is probably the majority of phobias out there, but there is a minority. The minority can range anywhere from heights to snakes. There are so many, you couldn't possibly name them all. I thought phobias were for cowards, and I believed this for a very long time. When my number was called, I discovered I did have a phobia. My phobia was losing it all and having no way to get it back. My true Hell was realized instantly. I believe in phobias now. It may be a little too late, but I believe. If you have a phobia and don't realize it, you will soon. Most people die without ever knowing their true fear. When you come face to face with it, you'll know it instantly. So, do I believe people are cowards now? Yes, I still do. Everyone is a coward, including me. Everyone has a fear.

I know you may be wondering how am I writing from Hell. It's very simple. This is my Hell, and I'm living it right now as you sit and read this. As you read my story, you will realize what I mean. You will realize the truth for yourself. If you do not live an honest life, your fear will find you and you will live that fear for eternity.

Chapter Two

All of this started around seven years ago. My wife and I were celebrating our seventh year being married. It was hard to believe that it had been that long because time had just flown by. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. We made love that night like it was the first time. It was also the last time my wife and I made love. She got pregnant after that and it caused some problems between us. About a month after the anniversary, she came to me and told me. I was furious. I was so sure that she did this behind my back. I accused her of not taking her birth control and she swore to me that she did nothing of the sort. She told me she wanted to keep the child and I refused. I told her that we should have an abortion because we had a plan. She said to me, "To hell with the plan. I want this baby and I am going to keep it. If you don't want any part of this child's life, then leave." I thought she was nuts. I wasn't about to leave. I told her we would talk about this later when she was calmer. She said, "No, decide now or I will leave. It's a simple choice. I love you, but this child is going to live." After that, I told her we should separate and think about this for a while. She agreed. After our argument, I packed my bags and walked out the door.

One month passed without us saying one word to each other. I knew she was still mad at me, but I didn't seem to care. I was frustrated over the whole situation. I didn't want to throw away seven years of marriage but I wasn't ready for children either. I didn't know what to do. Everyday I would go to work, and my life would get harder and harder without her. I missed her. All of my co-workers could notice my frustration. My friends would talk to me and try to convince me to do the right thing. I would just tell them to mind their own business. The days would get longer and longer and I was just getting lonelier and lonelier. I thought about going back to her but I knew if I did, I would have to accept her wishes. That was something I just couldn't do. I wasn't going to give in that easy, just because I'm lonely.

Well, after the second month passed, I was becoming more desperate. Everyone knows a man has needs and I was trying to attend to those needs as honest as I could. I would go to strip joints and adult bookstores to try and satisfy those needs without going over the edge. For some reason, it only created more problems and more desperation. I didn't want to cheat on my wife, but I couldn't fight those feelings either. So, I started going to nightclubs every night after work. I kept thinking to myself that I wasn't there to cheat. I just wanted some attention. I needed to get out and look for some new friends. My friends at work wouldn't understand. They weren’t the type to just let me be. It kind of irritated me. What kind of friends would tell you to go back to your wife after she went behind your back and got pregnant? I thought they’d do the same thing I did if it would of happen to them. I treated them like liars just like I treated my wife. I was ready for a change.

On the third month, I was attending the nightclubs regularly and meeting new people. I did meet some women, but a lot of them weren’t there to talk. It was hard to find someone who could understand me. I wasn't there to jump in the sack with the first good-looking woman I saw. I wanted a friend. I wanted someone who would agree with me and tell me everything would be okay. As time passed, I was losing hope. By the time the forth month came, I was just a drunk sitting at the bar at every nightclub. All the regulars knew my story. I wasn't ashamed to tell anyone that decided to talk to me. I guess no one wanted that kind of baggage. I couldn't blame them. I was a hopeless cause.

When the fifth month came around, it all seemed to change. I met someone. Her name was Kristi, and she just decided to come sit with me one night. At first, I thought she was just another beautiful girl out looking for Mr. Right, but she didn't come on that way. She seemed to care why I was distressed. That fascinated me. She was what I was looking for, a true friend. We sat and talked that first night until the bar closed. We talked mostly about me but she didn't seem to mind. She asked me if I would be back the next night and I told her I would be. She just smiled and said, "I guess, I'll see you tomorrow then". As she got up and walked out, I watched her leave. I won't lie to you, as she walked out, I was very impressed by her looks. She was a very attractive woman. As she walked out the door, I paid the tab and noticed my wedding ring. I was still wearing it. I wondered if I should of taken it off, but something inside of me told me it would be the wrong thing to do. I reminded myself that I wasn't out to cheat. I still loved my wife very much and I didn't want to throw it all away. I left the bar and went home, this time sober.


Chapter Three

Two more months passed by and Kristi and I were getting very close. She enjoyed my company as I enjoyed hers. We both stopped going to the bars completely. We both found what we were looking for, a good friend. There was no need to go out anymore. I would go over to her apartment after work and when I didn't, she would come to my apartment. We were completely satisfied with each other. It all seemed perfect until one day at my apartment, she mentioned my wife. It was a subject she never brought up before. It was a question I didn't want to answer. She asked me, "So, do you plan on going back to your wife, or do you plan on staying separated forever". After she asked me that, I gave her a look that said, why did you go there? She got the point. She apologized and came over and started massaging my shoulders. She said, "I'm sorry, I know you don't like to talk about it. I'm just curious, that's all." The massage felt so great, I didn't want to break her concentration. It had been seven months since a woman had touched me like that. It felt great. So, I just answered her. I said, "I don't know Kristi, I still love her and all but I am confused". She said, "Confused about what"? I said, "I'm not sure. I don't know what I want to do. All I care about right now is this massage you are giving me. It feels great." She said, "I'm glad you enjoy it. You know, I am confused too." I said, "What do you have to be confused about, your single". She said, "That's just it, I'm single and I want so much more. I just don't know if I can have it or not." I said, "Kristi, you are a beautiful and attractive woman, you can have any man you want". She said, "I have already found the man I want". I said, "Kristi, you've been holding out on me. You've found someone and haven't told me. Tell me, who is it?" She said, "It's not what you think. It's pure fantasy." I said, "Let me guess, and is it Mel Gibson"? She laughed and said, "No silly, it's no movie star. It's someone I know very well and they know me too." She got very quite and turned away. I said, "Kristi, what is it? Do you want to stop talking about it?" She started to cry. She turned around and said, "If I tell you something, will you promise you will still be my friend after I say this? Promise me." I said, "Kristi, I will always be your friend no matter what". After I said that, it seemed to upset her even more. She turned around and started to cry again. I touched her shoulder and quietly said, "Kristi, tell me. I want to know.” With her back still turned to me, she said, "Do you love me"? I said, "Yes, you know I do". She turned around and looked me in the eyes. She said, "I love you too. You’re the one I have found and you are the one I want." After she said that, I just sit there without saying a word or making a move. She looked embarrassed and said, "I knew it, and I shouldn't have brought it up. I have ruined it all." She turned around and started to cry again. I just got up and walked out of the room.

While I paced around the kitchen, I could hear her crying in the other room. I started thinking about her and my wife. I couldn't deny the feeling. I felt for both of them. I loved both of them. I know I needed to tell her this. I had to make her understand, I couldn't leave my wife. Not now, I wasn't ready to make that move yet. After I decided what I was going to say to her, I walked back in the room. I saw that she was gathering her things and was headed out the door. I called to her and pleaded for her to stay. She wiped her eyes and sat back down. She looked so beautiful and it was obvious her heart was breaking. I didn't want to devastate her world any worse than it was. I sat down close to her and hugged her. She smelled so good I forgot half of the stuff I was going to say. My mind was being cluttered by the essence of her and I became aroused. The next thing I knew I was kissing her neck. She gripped me tightly and kissed me back on the cheek. As our eyes met each other, I told her I loved her too. I picked her up and carried her into the bedroom. We made love.

After it was all over and done, I just laid there in amazement. I couldn't believe what just happened. I looked over at Kristi lying next to me and she was smiling in my arms. I could tell she was happy. I was happy too, but at the same time, I wasn't. As every passing second went by, I felt guilt building up inside of me. It made me feel dirty. I told Kristi that I was going to take a shower and if she wanted to, she could order out tonight. She told me she was in the mood for pizza. I told her that sounded good and then we got up. She slipped on my shirt and went to the phone. As she made the call, I stepped into the shower. I stayed in there for over thirty-minutes, because the more I washed, the dirtier I felt. I finally just gave up and turned the water off. There was never going to be any way I could ever rid myself of this guilt.

As I was drying off, the doorbell rang. I heard Kristi say, "Boy, that was fast. It must be the pizza guy. I'll get it." I quickly slipped some pants on and went to the living room. When I walked in the room, I saw Kristi holding a package and it didn't look like a pizza. She also had a look on her face that told me something was wrong. She said, "Here, I think this is for you". I took it and the label had my wife's name on it. I looked up at Kristi and said, "Who was that at the door"? She said, "Your wife". As soon as she said those two words, I started to panic. I ran outside and chased her down before she got into her car. I said, "Please wait, let's talk." She turned around and said, "I just brought you something hoping it would change your mind. I can see you have already made your mind up." I said, "Please, listen to me. We haven't seen each other in seven months. Don't go like this. She's just a friend." As she got into her car, she looked at me and said, "Your half naked and she's half naked, what do you expect me to think. I hope you two are happy together. Now please, let me go." I could see there was no way to explain as she drove off. I just stood there in the parking lot as I watched her tail lights disappear into the darkness. After they were gone, I looked over at my door and saw Kristi. She witnessed the whole thing. I ran back to her, but she just walked away from me. I said, "What did you expect me to do, she's my wife." She said, "You lied to her. You told her we were just friends." I said, "This whole thing happened way to fast. You took me by surprise earlier. I didn't mean for this to happen, it just did. Kristi, I really do love you, but my heart is being pulled in two different directions. I don't know what to do. Please forgive me." She said, "I don't think we should see each other anymore. You still love your wife and I love you. This isn't going to work. We should end this tonight." After she said that, she went to get dressed. Then she gathered her things and walked out the door. While I sat there on the couch, I realized that she was right. I needed to make my mind up and stop running from the choices at hand.

About 10 minutes later, the doorbell rang again. When I opened the door, I saw that it was only the pizza guy. I had totally forgotten. I didn't see any need in making his night worse too, so I just paid him and took the pizza. While I was eating, I noticed the package that my wife dropped by. It was still sitting on the coffee table and I was unsure of what was in it. So, I figured what the hell, it wouldn't hurt to look. As I opened the package, I saw a VHS tape inside with a letter attached to it. The letter said, "I know we have different views on this, but I thought if you saw what was on this tape, you might change your mind". After I saw the letter, I figured it was just our wedding day on tape. I'd seen it a hundred times with my wife already. I didn't see any need in watching it again. So, after I finished the pizza, I took the box to the garbage along with the paper package my wife gave me. As I was shoving it all into the garbage, something else fell out of the bag. It was something I had overlooked and it explained why my wife gave me this package. It was a picture of the baby. She had a sonogram done and found out what the sex of the child was going to be. It was a boy. As I stood there staring at the picture, I thought it was amazing. All kind of thoughts started entering my head. I walked back over to the coffee table and put the tape in the VCR. When it came on, it started with a heartbeat. Then the picture came on. I slowly sit back and realized I was looking at a miracle. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen before. I discovered the choice at hand was a simple one.


Chapter Four

The next morning, I woke up and called Kristi. I asked her if we could talk over lunch about last night. She thought it would be a good idea, because she didn't like the way it ended either. So, we met later that day downtown. We both agreed that our relationship started out as friends and that it should end as friends. She could see in my eyes that I was serious about going back to my wife and wanting to be a father. It was good talk, and we handled it like adults. After lunch, she asked me if I would walk her over to the bank across the street. She needed to make a deposit before she went back to work. I told her I would. I paid the bill at the restaurant and we both walked across the street to the bank.

As we walked into the bank, I told Kristi we were going to be here all day. There were about 20 people in line ahead of us. She said, "It's very important I make this deposit, because if I don't, I'll have a check bounce. When do you need to be back to work?" I said, "Thirty-minutes ago, but It's okay. I told them I was taking a long lunch". She said, "Me too. I guess there's no rush then." Right after she said that, two men with masks on and shot guns in their hands burst through the front doors of the bank. They shot the security guard in the chest and killed him. Everyone just screamed. They shouted, "Everyone shut the hell up and lay on the floor now! This is a robbery!" An elderly man was slow to lie down and one of the men went over and pushed him to the floor. He yelled out, "People, just do what we tell you and your lives will be spared. Do not fuck with us, we mean business! When we say something, do it quickly!" As I was lying on the floor, I saw that the guy next to me had a gun. He was reaching for it. I whispered over to him, "Don't do it man, these people are crazy. They'll kill us all." Quietly, he said, "I'm a cop, don't worry. Just be cool, okay." I nodded yes and then looked over at Kristi. She was crying. I thought we were all going to die.

As one of the men jumped over the counter and went into the safe to get the money, the other one stood guard. There was a lady over close to counter crying very loud. He walked over to her and said, "Shut up lady!" She just looked at him and started screaming in panic. He said again, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut the hell up!" Then he hit her in the head with his gun and knocked her out. Everyone just cried in terror. He yelled out, "I'm going to count to three and if you people don't shut up...you will die!" I looked over at Kristi and she was still crying in fear. I said, "Kristi, calm down. Stop crying, please." After he got done counting, Kristi was still crying. He walked over and said to her, "Lady, do you want to die? Shut the hell up!" She jumped back and started screaming at him. I knew it was too late and I wasn't going to just lie there and watch this. As he pulled the trigger, I rushed him. I was in a rage. I grabbed his gun and then the cop jumped up and tried to get a clear shot at him. He shot him in the shoulder and in the chest as I moved out of the way. Then, the other man that was in the safe came running out when he heard the shots. After he saw what happened, he shot me two times in the back. As I went down, I saw the cop shoot him too. I crawled over to Kristi, but it was too late. She was already dead. I rolled over and started coughing up blood. The cop went to get the guns away from the criminals and then came to check on me. He said, "Thank you, you're a hero. Hold on, you'll make it." As I laid there, the visions of my son started forming in my head. I started to imagine him growing up without me, without ever knowing who I was. I said to the cop, "Please, tell my wife that I love her. Tell her that I want the child. Tell her I'm sorry and that I wanted it all back." That was all I could get out. The blood started coming up more and everything got cold and dark. I could still hear him saying, "Hold on, you can tell her yourself, just hold on. Please, don't close your eyes. Stay awake!" Then, I heard more policemen come in with the paramedics. As I felt them working on me, I could hear them working on the man who shot Kristi too. I heard them say, "The one behind the counter is gone but this one is still alive." Then within seconds, I felt my heartbeat stop and it all went black.

When I regained my vision, it was blurred. When it finally cleared, I saw my body and everyone else around me. I saw them trying to bring me back to life and I also noticed them trying to keep the robber alive as well. I couldn't understand why I was just hovering there. Was I completely dead? All of a sudden, I saw them walk away from me and give more attention to the robber. He looked as if he was dying too. Then, everything got black again and it suddenly got very cold. I could feel again, but it felt as if something was pulling me and there was no way to stop it. After that, I lost all feeling and consciousness.

When I awoke, I was laying in a hospital bed. My first reaction was total shock. I couldn't believe I was still alive. I thought to myself, "how could it be? It wasn't possible. I saw myself die." As I tried to make sense of it all, I glanced around the room. I knew I was alive, because I could feel the pain in my shoulder and chest. After that thought, I got scared. I looked over at my hands and they were handcuffed to the rails. I started to panic and thought, "No, it can't be". I called for the nurse and she came in with two cops. She wanted to know if I needed anything because I had been unconscious for several hours. I asked her if I could use bathroom. She looked at the cops and they nodded yes. So, she helped me up and walked me to the bathroom. As I shut the door, I slowly looked up at the mirror and saw the most frightening sight I had ever seen before. It wasn't me. It was the robber. At that moment, I realized the awful truth. I was in Hell.


Chapter Five

Well, it has been seven years since that day. After all this time I still haven't found a way to explain what happened. The closest idea I've come up with is that we both died and we both had two different fears. I'm sure he is living his fear right now as I am living mine. I have lost it all and I will never be able to get it back. God has his ways, and I'm sure he felt this punishment was necessary. I am unsure of what will happen to me after this body dies, but I hope it's a second chance.

Right now I am living out a life sentence in prison for the deeds of this man. You may think man can punish you, but it will never compare to the punishment of God. My family has grown seven years without me and they believe I'm dead. My wife will never know the truth and my son will never know me. I hope my wife remembers the good things about me and passes them along to my son. If I had a way to apologize to her and make it believable I would. Since I am ashamed of the body in which I was placed, I've decided never to bother them. In my mind, it isn't an image I want my son to know. I am not angry with God. I am not angry with man. I did this myself and I have accepted the punishment given to me. I wish every day I could at least have a glimpse of my son, but it will never happen. Hell doesn't grant wishes.

The End