Not Ready

Not Ready

She sat at the table, her eyes misting over slightly with her elbows spread. Holding her head up with her hands, she stared at me quietly. She knew what this was about, I was almost sure of it. The way she blinked her eyes, her pupils jumping up and down as she took in my face seemed to suggest that she was playing out a conversation in her head of how I would start this. It made me hesitant to begin, but I had to.

"Kat," the word was small, so was my voice. She blinked, swallowing back. Her head tilted up another degree, hinting that I should continue. "You know—" I stopped.

"Go on," she ushered me, licking her lips wet.

She was such a sweet girl. No doubt she tried as hard as she could to please me. Something just wasn't there for us—for me. I didn't want to break her heart, but I couldn't stay in this relationship any longer. "Kat," I began again, my voice louder and thicker. My palms began to sweat. I was suddenly hot, my body shaking with a small wave of heat rushing over me.

I was engulfed by the memory of the first time we met. I was on my coffee break and had left my building to go down into the Kathleen’s Coffee Shop. Their coffee wasn't the best, but my car was in shop for the day to fix a minor problem with my radio and air conditioner that day. I had to take a bus to work, something I never do, and because break was only thirty minutes, I to walk across the street to this Coffee shop, the only one close enough for me to get my daily dosage of donut and coffee, enjoying my lunch time like I would normally do. I had drank there only once before, the reason why I never went again until that one day many months ago.

When I met Kathleen, I continued to go there, up until today. Today would be the last day I entered her shop and into her world. I vowed that last night and made myself promise to keep it today. I had to.

I remembered the coolness of the steel door as I pressed my head against it, pushing it open. That’s when I saw her for the first time. She had her back to me, bent over a coffee table, wiping a towel over it slowly. She had been wearing a blue flowered skirt, a top to match it. A white apron was tied around her thin waist, neatly ironed and crisp. Her flowing brown hazelnut hair had been pulled back into a bun and stray, frizzled strands hung loosely in front of her face. I thought it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen—still do today.

She must have had felt my eyes on her, because she had turned and looked directly at me, her baby-blue eyes catching mine immediately. I believe we held the gaze for at least thirty seconds before she looked down, setting down the rag she had been using. I remember her pausing, as if she were wondering whether to continue what she had been doing or to greet me. She chose the second one, standing erect and walking over to me with a wide, beautiful smile. It was like the sun coming out after rain. Daybreak. It took my breath away.

Our conversation had been quick and easy, a set of hellos and then small chat. I made my move the next time I saw her, later that day, once I had gotten off of work. She had been on my mind all day, I couldn't stop thinking about her eyes...her eyes and that smile. They were memorizing. Intoxicating. Every time I whispered her name in my head, I smiled, seeing her face behind my closed lids.

She showed up near closing time, thank God too, had she been any later, I would have been kicked out. That's when I found out she owned the place, and discovered myself in awe of the fact. I knew there were tons of things yet to be discovered about her and I had been determined to find each of them out.

As I looked now into her baby-blue eyes, I thought about how people must have seen me the hours after I had come back from seeing her for the first time: glazed eyes and grinning at nothing in particular. I must have made a fool out of myself, having that thin grin on my lips all day, staring out the windows down below, clearly having other matters on my mind. She had filled me with such a feeling, all I could think about at that time was wanting more. I discovered a gnawing inside of me. I wanted to experience that feeling again, to have my mind elsewhere, thinking of someone I knew was thinking of me. I found I was asking myself subconsciously if I was sure I wanted to do this.

Yes.

"You're a great woman," I heard my voice as I spoke, soft low and uttered in a painful way. It hurt to say these words to her, knowing I truly meant them, but knowing the reason why I was as well.

Kat swallowed back, rolling her tongue around in her closed mouth. I imagined it moving from the left to the right, running along the back of her teeth. It was a habit she'd do in either waiting anticipation or overwhelming anxiety.

"I," I began again, sighing as I stopped, looking around us, aware suddenly of what all was going on. The three closest tables around us were filled with people. Some looked like college students, off on break maybe, others were coworkers, discovering the coffee shop to be better convenience and a save of lunch break time. Nobody was worth gazing at so I turned my attention to the table, shaking my head gently. "I have to get back to work in a few," I mumbled.

She nodded her head, pressing her lips together. "What is it you want to tell me?" she asked, her blue eyes running over my face in their familiar way. I felt a longing to want the assurance that those eyes of hers would always be mine. I wanted to know that when I went home, I could go to sleep knowing her eyes were shut yet saw me like I would see her in my mind. I shook the thought off quickly, nodding my head to clear my thoughts. I couldn’t get sidetracked, not today.

"Um," I placed my hands on the table, forcing a thin smile that disappeared too soon. "I don't know what it is," I nearly whispered, trying to get it out, "but, this just doesn't seem to be working...for me."

Kat's face never changed. She blinked once.

"I mean," I found myself looking at her, wanting her to at least show me a flicker of some kind of emotion. A tear maybe, a shudder running throughout her body, anger, disbelief—anything other than her one blink. She gave me nothing. "I liked the time we spent together," I muttered, my bottom lip wavering, "but," I shook my head, harder this time. I didn't know how to phrase what I had come to last night, and the many nights before.

"But not enough," she said quickly. Her eyebrows raised slightly, her lips twitched up, like she was grinning.

"No, no," I said, shaking my head vigorously. "I did, I loved it in fact. It's just that..." I ended with a sigh, the look on my face pitiful as I tried to communicate with her.

"Don't explain yourself," she paused, shifting her weight in the chair. She was uncrossing her legs, a sign that our meeting was nearing an end. "I understand. You just weren't ready—"

"I've only known you a couple of months—" I continued to try and explain, but she shook her head, holding up her left hand and cutting me off.

"Same here. You can't use that as an excuse. You just weren't ready." She pressed her lips together, swallowing back again. Her tongue rolled repeatedly in her mouth. "You still aren't and I still love you." I think I felt myself cringe at the words. I didn't want her loving me. I wasn't going to love her back, I made up mind days ago. She was right, I wasn't ready, and I considered myself unable to ever be ready.

It just wasn't the fact that I found myself unable to commit to her, she was changing me, and everybody was noticing it. Even my coworkers at work, it angered me slightly. I didn't want Kat changing me. I thought about it and realized I didn't even know her and here was this woman changing me in ways I hadn't even begun to notice! The thought sickened me. I was becoming too attached, too...too in love—

I didn't want that—couldn't have that. Too many problems arose when you were in love. You didn’t think rationally and made a fool of yourself, and for what? One person you could live perfectly fine without before you met them? I couldn’t go down like that—I wouldn’t let me. I liked myself when I was free, when I was unleashed and wild, in control. Like a beast. She was taming me, she already had.

I hadn't been able to say anything else to her and simply left. In my eyes, the departure went better than expected. She wasn't angry, and if she was I didn't care because I didn't have to, the beauty of being unattached and free. When I walked out the building, I felt that old euphoric feeling coursing within me. I smiled. I had done it. With her understanding, of course, but it was through—we—were through. I laughed.