Almost Doesn't Count

Almost Doesn't Count

Day after day I am haunted by the question of whether the happiness and the love I have searched for was destined to be with a woman whom I have already lost. Her name was Caia and for this very brief moment in time she became my very own angel who stood by my side during a difficult patch in my life. An incredible woman who single handedly lifted my cynical view of the world and taught me to appreciate the simple things in life. I was mesmerized by everything she did; the little habits she had and the carefree attitude she had towards life. It has been a little over three years since I let my heart indulge in a relationship filled with passion, unconditional love, betrayal and tragedy. One would say that our love was forbidden but it certainly had it all.
From the moment I met her I knew that I would be a fool to let her walk away without a genuine attempt at capturing her heart. Perfection may not exist but I thought I came close with Caia. It took eighteen long stemmed roses, delivered to her door to convince her to have a dinner with me. It was a privilege being in her presence and I wanted this privilege to last no matter what. I took her to a nice seafood restaurant where I spent the evening melting to the constant smile she had on her face. She was a vision of innocence and hope. From that night on, I began to develop an affinity for her at such a rapid pace that even I could not fully comprehend. It was not so much her good looks and her captivating smile that captured my attention, but her whole demeanor and bearing. I believed that she was a godsend and I should begin to count my blessings from that day forward.
Since that night a new chapter in my life had begun, a roller-coaster ride through the tears of joy and sadness. I tried in vain to control the intensity of our relationship because of the fear of getting burned and also I feared the possibility of a broken heart. Every time I thought I was drifting to a safe distance she would effortlessly reel me back in. Eventually I let my guard down and surrendered to her, there was no use fighting it.
Being young and exposed to the temptation of living a life of luxury, I had committed acts of stupidity months before I met Caia that eventually landed me in court. I was convicted, during my absence and as a result the court had issued a warrant for my arrest. A huge mistake on my part which resulted in two detectives visiting the home of Caia's parents asking them of my whereabouts. Needless to say they were furious to have learnt that their daughter's boyfriend was a convicted criminal. Without hesitation they immediately instructed Caia to cease all contacts with me. I respected her parents’ decision therefore I agreed that she should abide by their rules.
To hear the person I love in tears over the phone telling me she could no longer be a part of my life tore me to pieces. The thought of living through each day without her was agonizing. That day was one of the most heart rending experiences that I have had the unfortunate chance of encountering. We dreaded this separation but our hands were tied. The foundation of our relationship was rocked violently and it was just a question of how strong we were.
We flirted with the idea of continuing to see each other in secret without fully considering the consequences. We knew it would be an uphill battle from then on and the odds of getting caught by her parents were always going to be high. It seemed almost inevitable that we would be found out but when you're young, in love and foolish nothing else seems to matter. We thought that we were invincible; our love for each other was enough to survive through the turbulence and could easily overcome any obstacles that came in our path. Our passion for each other blinded us; the love that we mutually shared obscured our views of reality. Our lives revolved around each other and nothing in this world could destroy us. We were wrong.
After twelve months of seeing each other in secret, her parents' suspicions had well and truly developed. They began to impose more restrictions on her freedom to eliminate all possibilities of our meeting. Unfortunately the pressure had begun to take its toll on Caia; her battle was almost lost; she succumbed to the threat that her family would disown her so in turn she sacrificed "us". She had no choice, but to me it felt that she just gave up on all the things she believed was pure and true. I felt helpless and inadequate, the ability to think rationally had abandoned me and at that moment I have never felt so alone in this world.
Her exit out of my life was so sudden that I didn't know where to begin to pick up the pieces. She left when I needed her most, my day in court for sentencing was looming and I was afraid that incarceration would be imminent. If this wasn't what people called rock bottom then I certainly do not know what is. I lived in a one bedroom apartment at that time and if one was color sensitive then this room could have no doubt induced fits of depression and suicide. Seemed like a step in natural progression at the time.
Eventually I began to experience symptoms of depression, I was losing sleep, I could not eat and my motivation was non existent. I would often wake up in the middle of the night crying and the unmistakable throbbing pain in my chest would return. I needed help but I didn’t know where to start looking. I visited the local doctor hoping that he would suggest something for the sleeping disorder. In the doctor's office I broke down when he asked me what has been happening in my life lately. He immediately referred me to psychiatrist after telling him of my suicidal thoughts.
"Reactive Depression" was the diagnosis. Once again I became distraught while discussing the tragic events and he didn’t hesitate in prescribing me a powerful anti depressant to ease the anxiety. He maintained a level of optimism when he advised my mother that there was no reason to panic just yet and as a precaution, I was not to be left alone. Exactly seven days after that visit, I was rushed to the hospital as a result of an overdose.
I was found in a phone booth by two friends, barely conscious after swallowing thirty one tablets of paracetamol. I was told by the doctor that if I was found an hour later I would have died a very painful death. When I woke up the next day Caia was at my bedside, crying silently while holding my hand. I loved her feminine way of producing tears and not look like she was crying. For what seemed like an eternity we sat in silence not knowing what to say but something passed through between us that day; an understanding that I've lost her and it was time to accept it. Eventually she asked me why I did it, I couldn’t answer her and even if I did, it wouldn’t have mattered. I was alive and that was the most important thing. I voluntarily admitted myself to another Hospital for observation and treatment of my depressive disorder. A few days later I was discharged after being diagnosed as no longer a threat to myself.
I tried to focus on rebuilding the remains of my shattered life. I resisted every temptation to contact Caia and for a while I was successful. It took only one phone call and a brief encounter with her to undo all my plans. She stayed in my life for another few months but it wasn’t the same. The relationship was in disarray and our attempts to mend it were to no avail.
I was at work that day unable to concentrate and focus on what I was doing, when the receptionist informed me that there was someone in the lobby to see me.
My heart sank into my stomach and I felt nauseas. Caia was sitting on the lounge and when she looked up, I knew then what was about to happen. I took her downstairs away from prying eyes before I allowed her to begin what she wanted to say. She looked at me through those amber colored glasses, tears welling up in her eyes, trying to force a smile in an attempt to hide her despair. She stood in front of me arms folded trying to find the words to begin. I noticed that she was dressed in black as if to mourn the impending death of our relationship. I felt helpless and too afraid to reach out to this fragile creature in front of me. She started to speak and her tears fell almost simultaneously. My heart bled for her as freely as her tears tumbled. I stood hands in my pocket looking into her eyes and asked myself how I could have let this happened. I felt suffocated and my mind was forced into a world of darkness. She continued to speak but I could no longer hear her. I was momentarily deafened by the words I never wanted to hear her say again. Its over.
I tried to remain calm while I tried to find the words to let her know I understood, but I was too late. I had been consumed by my own emotions. The last shreds of composure had vanished when I realized that my tears had also fallen. I was torn between the thought of the injustice of letting her walk away without a fight and the position that she was in. The decision was hers and I loved her too much not to accept it. We would go our separate ways and I would not compromise this agreement by contacting her again.
I wanted to hold her once more even if it’s for the last time. I wanted to feel the warmth that she has given unselfishly during the time we spent together even if it was for the last time. I held out my arms and she allowed me to embrace her, I kissed her and held her closer. Being so close I felt her warm tears on my face, I stepped back, opened my eyes and wiped her tears away. With no other words to be said we knew it was time to go. She held my hand and kissed it before turning around to walk away.
She walked a few steps before turning around to give me a reassuring smile. A smile to let me know that she would be just fine. I stood there frozen in that spot trying to comprehend the enormity of my loss. Eventually she disappeared around the corner and out of my life. Something inside of me urged me to follow before it was too late. I walked towards her direction and as I came around the corner, I discovered something that broke my heart completely. I found her sitting on a bench, her face buried in her hands crying uncontrollably and totally oblivious to the people passing by. I wanted to rush over and comfort her, tell her that this was all just a bad dream, but instead I headed towards the office and into my now empty life, void of all emotions.
I searched for someone to blame for the broken heart that I was left with but as time passes I have come to understand that our separation was just a part of life. My closest friends, who were there to witness my suffering, suggested that I should just get over it and move on. I refused to let my friends set a grieving period acceptable only to their standards. To an outsider looking in it may seem that I ventured beyond the boundaries of common sense but I knew that this was about me and what I needed to do. The bond that Caia and I shared became something that I’m still slowly trying to break free from.
I was in remanded in custody for nine months and during that time I had the undisturbed opportunity to reflect on my life and the mistakes I made. I repaid my debts to society and suffered in silence of a broken heart. During this time I have also learnt that love can be such a fickle emotion, where one could find themselves in uncharted peaks of happiness one minute and on a downward spiral the next.


Somewhere, there is someone who dreams of your smile,
And finds in your presence that life is worthwhile.
So when you are lonely, remember it's true,
That somebody, somewhere, is thinking of you.