Blackout

I just stepped out of the doctors office and on to the street, when the reality of what I was just told hit me; I was pregnant at sixteen. I wanted to collapse right there in the middle of the street and cry scream my frustration. My feelings were so mixed I couldn’t tell where I was or what was going on around me. I was so confused.
I screamed when he put his arms around me. He, Matt, was the father of the baby I had been carrying for the past two months, my boyfriend for the past year, and a very good friend before that. It was all so right. Us hooking up and everything, was going good with our relationship. It was all so perfect.
He shook me, he wanted to know what was wrong, what had made me so upset and jumpy. I couldn’t say anything, I just stood there. He asked if I was going to cry. I just nodded. Then he wrapped his arms around me. The moment my head hit his chest, I was sobbing. He just held me. I felt so secure, it felt like no matter what happened he would always be there.
After crying out my frustration for at least ten minutes, I seemed to be getting my emotions some what under control, and seemed to be settling down.
When Matt asked if I’d tell him what was wrong I lost it again and I started bawling all over again. I had been crying for awhile when all of a sudden I just blurted out that I was pregnant. As soon as I said it I knew something was wrong.
Matt froze and I stopped crying almost instantly. He asked me to repeat what I had just said; again I told him I was pregnant. But this time I added that I was about two months pregnant.
He flipped, not yelling at me, but instead using a low harsh whisper so no others but me, could hear. He freaked out, then blamed me for knowing I had been pregnant for almost two months, and had not told him about it. He wouldn’t let me get one word in to tell him that I had only got the results back this morning. He wouldn’t stop for one second so I could tell him I didn’t want to worry him; if it was only a false alarm. I was already worried about telling my parents.
I thought that I might have got at least a little bit of support from him. Matt had been my literally been my friend forever and had been part of my support system before. I figured he would have just continued to be part of my support system no matter what happened. I had obviously guessed wrong, because what he was saying now was not supportive or even the littlest bit soothing. On the other end it was very upsetting and unsupportive.
I had only known positively that I was pregnant for less than half an hour and already he was giving me an ultimatum; if I didn’t get rid of ‘it’, then Matt would leave. With that he stormed away from me. The last word to leave my lips wasn’t really a word but more of a desperate plea for him not to leave. People who witnessed this desperate plea of mine either gave me disgusted looks as they hurried by or they gave me looks of great pity. Those looks of pity made me want to be sick; I couldn’t stand to know people felt like that for me. On the other hand, the looks of disgust I was given made me want to yell at people to go get their own lives, and leave mine alone. To tell them that I wasn’t some freak side show. I wanted to tell these people that they did not and could not understand what I was feeling, what was going on in my head. They couldn’t know how much my heart hurt and that all that I was feeling was only the start of the pain and torture I was going to have to go through just to keep the helpless child I was carrying in me. I couldn’t stand going home knowing that they would try and threaten me until I finally gave in to getting rid of ‘it’.
I needed to talk to someone who would give me support not pressure me into doing something I didn’t want to do. I stumbled to the nearest pay phone to call Kathleen, my closet friend, and the only person who knew my suspicions of my pregnancy. I told her I needed to see her and I was on my way to her place right now. She didn’t ask any questions; she didn’t have to. She knew something was wrong. She could tell by the tone of my voice, and by the speed I was talking at. She knew there was something very wrong.
It took me an hour to get to her house; it normally only takes me ten minutes to walk there. I didn’t know where I was going. The street signs all looked the same. I found a road that was familiar and from there I didn’t have to use street signs for directions. I got to her house and knocked on the door.
She let me in, she took one look at me and told me I was pregnant. Over the next couple of hours I eventually told her what had happened over the course of the day. It hurt and it was hard to relieve it all over again. That was only the first part; I still had to deal with my parents.
My parents had always made me feel unwanted, so I didn’t expect any support from them. All I expected was a big fight. I knew I had to be home for dinner so Kathleen’s mom gave me a ride home around five thirty.
I was a wreck when I walked in, so I went straight to the bathroom to fix my hair, and redo my make-up. By the time I came down stairs, I looked half decent and dinner was ready.
We sat down to dinner and I attempted to eat something. The attempt was futile. I didn’t eat anything, I just pushed the food around my plate. Halfway through dinner I looked up to find my mom staring at me. She asked what was wrong because I hadn’t eaten anything.
I had to swallow and blink a lot to keep from bursting into tears. She gently prompted again. This time I did burst into tears. It took awhile for me to calm down enough for me to be able to talk. Then I finally told them.
They just stared at me with shocked looks slowly turning to looks of anger and disappointment. When the initial shock wore off, they started yelling. They went off about how much of a mess I had gotten myself into. The insults about how stupid I was kept coming.
I couldn’t hear them anymore. I just stared at there faces watching their mouths form words without sound. I knew they where still yelling at me because I could see there mouths moving but I could no longer hear what they were saying.
I knew the moment I could no longer hear them, I knew I had to get out.