Hans & Stinky

"HANS & STINKY"


A man I’ll call Hans in this book & I had a relationship in which we shared everything but sex. We’re both gay, so it worked perfectly. For a while… I’m not using his real name as I don’t want to be sued. He & I shared quite a variety of activities & interests & humor & shows, and laughter. We also spent many years, tears, smiles, successes, failures, happiness, miseries and companionship together.

He always made me laugh. I hate to admit it, but he is very comically talented. And I swear, if I listen to him to this day, I would still laugh. But, at this time of life, I don’t want him to be able to make me laugh. I don’t wish to give him the chance to throw me away. Again. He was for so very long the most important man in my life. And try as I may, there is a part of my heart which reluctantly still belongs to him. (I still have my Hans & Stinky calendar and everything you ever sent; just not sure why.)

He was in my life through so much; yet didn’t wish to wander into the "bad" parts of anybody’s life. His was, and still is, a very charmed life.

Initially, I thought I’d only give slight mention of Hans in this book because I didn’t think he deserved it. He doesn’t, but he was a major force in my life. So if I omit his part in my heart, I’m not being fair to my own history, or completely honest in my memoirs. And it is now his loss that our lives are no longer entwined.

To Hans’ parents, brother & sisters, I think of all of you often and still miss you. I know your families are growing, and your children have got to be gorgeous! I sincerely wish all of you only the best. Marilyn; please know I think of you often, especially every February 11. I know you all appreciate and love each other, and hope you find it in your hearts to seek understanding of what happened between Hans & I. You haven’t heard my side, until now, and I hope there’s no hard feelings because I never really said goodbye. I just couldn’t.

I got to know some wonderful & sensitive & sincere people through Hans. Eddie, Keith, George, Mark, Lather, Stephen - you all became like family to me, and have all remained special in my heart. Lather and Stephen have unfortunately passed from this world, but I am one who shall never forget their part in my life. I do love seeing or talking to the others sometimes, still. Thanks on this page to them for remaining my friends, too, even after "he" left me. And to Eddie – you’ll always feel like a brother – much mahalo.

Hans & I were accepted by all in our community & families. We were soulmates, and saw ourselves as The Perfect Couple. He was me as a male; I was he as a female. Admittedly, some of the most fun I’ve had in my life was in his company, including our own Happy Valley Tour outings. Some of the most unforgettable predicaments we shared shall forever remain in my heart.

But I don’t want that either. I’m supposed to be over him. Finally. As much of a nice, funny and great friend he could be, he was also the most shallow person I’ve ever met. That hurts. I cannot keep hurting & hurting & hurting. I could no longer go back & forth with his moods. I could not be his ‘partner’ only when it was good for him.

I stood by Hans, even when others shunned him. Or when he shunned them. A trait I, too, became victim of over and over again. But I run ahead still yet…

He was always a gentleman to me, though - I’ll give him that. He opened doors for me, poured tea for me. His mother’s teachings in that regard were not for squandered. We socialized together, starred together, worked together, laughed together, and eventually lived together. It was inevitable.

From the beginning, I felt natural with him. I befriended him. I remembered him when he forgot me. I believed him during times when no one else did. "No one." You know those words, Hans. We said them together a lot. Remember those rainy nights on long drives to any club? Remember the shows we played to a few people? Remember I was there all the time? I know you do.

I surprised him with birthday cakes. I gave him a huge plant once to apologize for something I said - something he should have taken as a joke or compliment, but didn’t. I evolved my life around him, and brought him into my world. I spent Sundays at his family’s home feeling like one of them, and truly appreciated them welcoming me & loving me. I attended family functions, parties and weddings with him. I rode through ice storms with him. I instructed him on how to change a flat tire in the middle of a chilled, winter night.

Everything was great, because neither of us was seeking a "relationship" with a partner of the same sex. We were both just looking for good times. The "love" in our lives was each other. Sex was obtained separately by each of us, and we celebrated with each other whenever a good ‘score’ was made.

Through our years together, I laughed more with him than anyone. I felt that we had a Mutual Admiration Society Of Two. I foolishly thought I mattered more to him than his money or constant parade of male flesh…

We thought we had the perfect situation, and believed if anyone would be happy in a marriage, they should marry their best friend. And back then, I would have married him in an instant. We even talked about it after his brother’s wedding.

Though he and I both know I knew him better than anyone in his life, he could never admit it. I always told him that he finally met his match in me. He knew. I think it scared him back then, and probably does to this day, knowing someone knows his core. He has never been one to proclaim anyone could get under his skin. But I did.

Another thing Hans & I shared was our shallowness, a characteristic I’m proud to say I’ve outgrown. We valued things over people most of the time. We shared a selfishness we were certain was ours alone. But Hans was also guided by control. He had to know everything. He had to feel superior to everyone. I thought, back then, he saw me as equally great. Looking back now, I see how naïve I was about him.

He had to make the decisions and dictate the order of all. He needed to control and was obsessive about it. Still is, as far as I can see. A tiny example (and those of us "in the know" know this one!) would be the very particular placement of magazines on the coffee table. ‘Nuff said!

I still feel bad because he disposed of me; and we were the most important people in each other’s lives for so very long. I believe the two of us know this is fact… Would he ever call me again, even if this book was published and fell into his hands? You always liked the way I write, Hans, so read on. I dare you to call me on this one…

Hans, this is our swan song, really and for truly. This is my closure. I’m not sure about yours because you never allowed "us" any, though many chances passed our way. It wasn’t up to me to go to you; you should have come to me. But if you could be so harsh to me, you don’t need closure. You simply exile me from your heart, and never give me a second though… Or do you?

Here, then, is my last letter to you. One that encompasses parts of our past together, and one which may help you to finally realize the depth of pain you’ve inflicted in my Y…
* * * * *
Aloha Hans:

Do I Ever Cross Your Mind? United We {used to} Stand. Inseparable even. You were always My Main Man; my Starlove In The Night. And I was singing this Song For You. Wasn’t It Good enough? The Greatest Song I’ve ever heard was the one we never sung. Melody couldn’t even us help now.

Someday You’re Gonna Want Me To Really Want You, and I’m gonna make it any ol’ how. Instead, you had a Heart of Stone. On A Clear Day, If I Could Turn Back Time, would the Dark Lady tell us all? Did the Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves know something we didn’t? Who You Gonna Believe? Or were we The Impossible Dream seeing Stars?

For quite some time, I thought you were The Man That Got Away, not a man I saw Dance With His Wife. How I wish he was dancing with me More Than You Know. I always said, "Walk With Me; Baby I’m Yours". You never said, "Sunny, You’re Just What I Been Looking For."

I Cried A River over you. But I didn’t think I was The Ugly Duckling. Am I Second Hand Rose or Miss Subway of 1952 or Alfie? Maybe Just Like Jesse Jame. Bang Bang, I feel like my baby shot me down. I was in Skin Deep, My Love, but it certainly wasn’t Perfection. All I needed was a little Love And Understanding; for you to just Say The Word. Love Hurts honey, So Save Up All Your Tears. But You Wouldn’t Know Love, and you can’t Rescue Me.

What About Today? I Mean To Shine, so Don’t Rain On My Parade. I gave & gave to you, the Best I Could. But I feel like you’ve Left Me In The Dark.

Holy Smoke – this is Outrageous. What’ll I Do? I’m not sure When The Love Is Gone. Am I Blue? That was true, Goldfinger. It’s Been Hard Enough Getting Over You. But Diamonds Are Forever.

You could have Let Me Down Easy on Easy Street, but now You’re Only Someone That I Used To Love. I Can’t Help It. We’ve reached a Stoney End instead of a Beach Blanket Bingo. So you’d better Go Now. There’s no Reason To Believe anymore, because I’m Free Again. After All, It’s Too Late To Love Me Now. Ask Yourself Why.



I Wish You Love --- Stinky