Snakes in the bathtub

6/12/03
Snakes in the bathtub, Turtles under the lounge!

I am Reptile owner of several species, all of them beloved pets of mine.
It is not unusual to encounter strange critters small and not so small, at my
house. Visiting freinds and neighbours may expect to be confronted by
clawed, feathered,scaled, chitinous or other, Ambassadors to our feral
home territory. Our children also have a variety of odd pets that put
"The Adams Family " in a very normal light.

One afternoon recently, we were amidst the carnage of our weekly
pet matainance day. Buckets, branchs, nett's and the like scattered all
about, half empty tanks and cages along with their excited occupants,
were all on show. An older neighbour of much courage and fortitude,
having the inclination to chat come apon her suddenly whilst reading
the daily paper or something, had arrived for coffee.

"HELLO LOVE" she said very loudly.
"I THOUGHT I"D JUST DROP..."
"OH I SAY! YOU'RE BUSY TODAY?"
"WELL ANYWAY ,I ..."bla bla blah she continued oblivious,
making herself very cosy in an instant on the sofa, where she took out a
cigarett and cast about for an ashtray.

It was while all this casting about was going on, that my eyes,
(long after my mind had begun) wandered over to the snake tank,
a 6ft x 5ft x3ft affair filled with branches plants an a hollow log in
which "monty", a four year old nine ft carpet python resides.
This is just behind the sofa where our now busily puffing
neighbour was happily ensconced.

To my alarm I realised the doors at the back had been left open
after having fed monty a large rat. Not only was the escape of a very large
python immenent, he would be a very large and excited python, at that.
Being riveted to the spot by our neighbours loud attention and a reluctance
to be rude, I tried to get my wifes attention behind the neighbours back.
Unfortunatly , the neighbour would constantly switch from one of us
to the other to be sure she maintained our utmost attention.

After a few spurious attempts to imitate snake motion with my hands
above the ladys head and silently mouthing the words
"THE BLOODY SNAKES MISSING" when she turned away, i gave up and
began on my hands and knees, looking for monty, on the pretext of having
lost a contact lense.

The fact that I dont wear them was not the issue of contention.I could
hardly interupt this human verbal niagara falls at the best of times, let
alone to ask her to keep an eye out for a snake longer than she was
and as thick as your leg, "you can't miss it love it's got lovely markings!"
With her back to his tank , she wouldnt see him till he was looking
over her shoulder. Fortitude is no match for an excited snake!

Then my wife, quick on the uptake as she is, says "You dont wear contacts
you can see perfectly well!" Thanks dear.
So I told our neighbour, whose cigarett had burnt away, not before
filling thev air with carcinogenic pollutants,and whose mouth had miraculously
broken down and now was listenening most inconveniently, that I was looking

for a small lost pet.

A flicker of momentry uncertainty passed over her face before somone
open the weir and niagara began to flow once more.
"WELL WHY DIDN"T YOU SAY SO?, MY BUDGIE ONCE FLEW...."
bla bla bla.and with that she fell to her knees making sweet cooing noises under
and wriggling her fingers about alarmingly close to the floor.

Doing the best I could to dissuade her from reaching under the lounge for
a nine foot scaly budgie with lots of teeth, I was distracted by my wifes
unceasing dialog regarding the hypathetical contacts and was close by the
neighbours mouth when she produced from her astonishingly large lungs,
a sound I hope never to hear again.

The neighbour had reached unerringly for "SOMETHING MOVING"
and come out holding "Mac" one of our aquatic turtles who was out
of his tank during the cleaning and had wandered under there for some
peace and quiet after the neighbour turned up. What she saw in her hand
was not quite the little budgie she thought she'd rescued.


Thankgod it wasnt "Monty"! But where was he? It was just then that our
youngest ,miss7 came running in from her bedroom and held her hermit crab
under the neighbours nose , telling us all how it bit her. Our neighbour decided at
that point to make herself scarce and we havent seen her since. Monty
turned up in the bathtub after she'd left , wrapped around the shower rail
with his head hanging down in the hunting position. Scared me half to death!