Letter To My Mother

Dear Mom,

         This letter is very hard to write, but it's a long time coming. I promised myself that I wouldn't do what you did, having all these penned up feelings, and no one to talk to about them. You did that and your parents died, leaving you no outlet for your feelings.
         Both you and Dad say that I take things too seriously. Why shouldn't I? You asked me, when I was a kid, after a fight with Dad, if you should divorce him. That was not a question for me to answer. It wasn't MY marriage! During the course of an argument that you and I had, you told me that if abortions were legal, I wouldn't be here. What kind of statement is that to tell someone? What were the circumstances behind my conception? Were you raped? Was it consensual sex? How did Dad react when you told him you were pregnant? How did both families react? Were they happy? Shocked? Angry?
         I take things too seriously because that's all my life has been, full of seriousness. Every time you argued with Dad, you both would clam up. The majority of your arguments were about me. I'm SICK AND TIRED of being your punching bag.
         You always have said that you are sick and tired all of the time. Well, it's no wonder. I would be also if I was running my life, AND TRYING my damndest to run others to MY SATISFACTION and not theirs. If you would just concern yourself with what matters to you PERSONALLY-that means you and you alone, then you not only would be a much happier person; the people around you would also be happy.
         You wonder why I don't tell you things, why I want to keep things secret. It's because I can't talk to you. When it comes to me there are five things you want to do-DOMINATE, CONTROL, CRITICIZE, SMOTHER and JUDGE. Why can't you treat me like the adult that I am?
         Let's talk about influences. You are so afraid that I'm being wrongly influenced by others. You've named Laurie, Bill, Perry,and now John as bad influences. I've figured that you only want to be the one to have a TOTAL influence over me. If this is true, then why did you send me to school? After all, I would have been influenced by teachers, classmates, and supposed friends. I guess you wanted to be the sole influence over me. Isn't that a bit selfish?
         When I found out that I was pregnant with Matthew, instead of joy and happiness from you and Dad, I was met with shock and disgust. The weekend he was born was a TOTAL fiasco. You with your lists, Dad with his anger because he couldn't smoke in my apartment. When I told you to leave things alone in the apartment, you never listened. By you doing the unpacking, I still can't find things that I knew I had.
         If John and I have another child, you will be told about the impending arrival and due date, but you WILL NOT be there for the baby's birth. If you choose to come to the hospital, I can't stop you. But I can leave word that you will not be allowed near the nursery or my room. I WILL NOT be put through the hell of dealing with you.
         How many times do I have to say this:LEAVE THINGS ALONE THAT DON'T BELONG TO YOU! You don't show me the same respect that you show "NORMAL" people. Just because I'm physically disabled doesn't give you the right to run and rule my life. When you visit your siblings, your in-laws, or friends, or even Paul or Dave, you don't start taking out things to clean, rearranging things, or snoop in closed spaces. You give all these people BASIC RESPECT! Don't I deserve the same? I guess not. I guess the only thing I can do is say that you're not welcome to come and visit me and my family in our home anymore.
         I would like my apartment key back. You have no use for it. I will give you back your keys, if you wish.

Sincerely,

Denise