The Philosophy Of Love (part 1)

Their lips met in a frenzied passion of kissing and touching. It was as if they had been deprived of love their whole lives and were only now discovering its true pleasure. His hand caressed her velvety cheeks and he ran his fingers through her silky, golden hair. They fell back onto the bed as clothes were torn away and thrown across the room. She’d always known they were meant for each other. Even before that fateful day when their eyes had met across a crowded room. It was meant to be. It was their destiny. As they climaxed the room spun and nothing existed except for them. Their hearts beat as one and their bodies entwined in perfect harmony, consummating their love and making promises of tomorrow and forever. It was a magical moment. Afterwards they lay exhausted as he whispered into her ear how special she was and how he would never let her go. She smiled a soft smile, looked deep into his eyes and-

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Amy awoke with a start. She sighed as she stared out of her window at a grey November morning and wondered why she could never seem to get to the end of that dream. It was always interrupted just as she was about to find out what would happen. She dragged herself into the shower and into her clothes, which were black as usual, ran a brush through her short blonde hair and gelled it into spikes. She stared into the mirror and studied the pale face staring back at her. Cold empty eyes revealed the aching loneliness that was locked inside her heart. Like a black hole slowly engulfing her, it grew, isolating her from everyone around her. Some days she felt as if she was completely alone in the world, as if she was standing on the edge of a precipice screaming out over a vast empty wasteland, but no one could hear her. No one was there.
On the way to college she saw misery and despair in the faces of everyone she passed. The homeless lay on the freezing ground and looked up at her with pleading, pitiful expressions. A dead bird lay in the gutter, its wing ripped off after being ravaged by a dog. For Amy, it symbolised life. It builds you up, gives you a taste of happiness, then for no reason it chews you up and spits you out. Her shoulders felt heavy as if she was carrying around some huge weight, and her heart felt like it would implode. A large drop of rain splashed onto her nose and she blinked in surprise. She hurried on as the rain got heavier and fell through the large double doors of the Community College as the skies opened and sheets of rain sliced through the air, drowning the earth below. Soaking wet students streamed into classrooms and milled around the halls, chatting and laughing, like ants on an ant farm. Amy slowly made her way to her first class of the day – philosophy – and took her usual seat in the back left hand corner.
The room filled up quickly and silence fell over it as the Professor strolled in, ten minutes late. He was an odd looking man. About 35 years old, with permanently messy hair and strange taste in clothes. He had a confused, disorganised air about him and he seemed flustered as he took a seat behind his cluttered desk and surveyed the class. Amy couldn’t help smiling as he searched frantically for his glasses and eventually found them resting on top of his head. Soon after the lesson was underway and the class was ensconced in discussion, the door opened. In walked a tall boy who Amy had never seen before. He was dressed entirely in black and wore eyeliner and an eyebrow ring. His black hair flopped forwards into his eyes and was tucked untidily behind his ear. He had well defined cheekbones, a handsome nose and large grey eyes that seemed to penetrate whatever they fell upon. A mutter went through the class and there were a few raised eyebrows among the students.
“I’m James Carter,” he informed Professor Addams, in a deep, rich voice. “I’ve just joined the College, I was told to come here for philosophy.”
“Well you’re in the right place!” exclaimed the Professor, his eyes glittering. “It’s always so refreshing to get new students in. Take a seat. We’re discussing the concept of religion. You don’t have to join in this lesson but I would welcome your participation once you feel more comfortable” James contemplated him for a second and sat down in the row in front of Amy. He did not smile and for a few minutes he sat completely still, in silence, listening to the debate. Amy couldn’t take her eyes off him. There was something fascinating about him that deeply intrigued her; she wanted to know more about him. At the front of the class, two girls were having a heated argument about whether God existed or not. James stirred. He spoke quietly but his voice carried across the room and stunned the girls into silence.
“Everybody is entitled to their own opinion about religion,” he stated matter-of-factly. “If you wish to believe in God then that is your right but it is pointless to argue the fact as it can never be proven scientifically. Personally, I believe that religion can only be a good thing because it unites people and gives them a sense of security in a world of chaos. Human beings are too weak to deal with the concepts of life therefore they create ‘God’ and ‘religion’ to explain concepts they cannot comprehend. It is perfectly natural and the ideology only goes awry when people try to use religion to control others and turn it into a dictatorship it was never meant to be.”
He spoke these words with such passion and conviction that it took the class a minute of stunned silence to take them in. Amy sat breathless. What he had just said made perfect sense to her. She understood completely where he was coming from. It was an idea she’d thought herself but she’d never had enough courage in her convictions to express it. Professor Addams looked thoughtful for a minute.
“That’s a very profound and well thought out statement James,” he commented. “You’ll do well in this class, I can tell. Now, does anyone wish to counter this proclamation?” The class rumbled into life and many opinions were directed at James, who had a logical and valid answer for each. He had complete confidence in himself and although he argued with passion, never got excited, and kept a steady, quiet tone throughout. After the class ended, he immediately got up and disappeared out of the door without speaking to or making eye contact with anyone. Amy followed him out as quickly as she could but soon lost him in the swarms of students that surrounded her. For the remainder of the day, she wandered around hoping to catch a glimpse of him, hoping he’d be in some more of her classes, but he wasn’t. He seemed to have disappeared off the planet.

For the next few days, Amy was restless. She couldn’t get this James Carter out of her head. She looked for him everywhere she went but she didn’t see him once. She counted the hours until Friday, period 3 – her next philosophy class. She could hardly sit still in her seat as she waited and waited for him to walk through the door. The room filled up, the Professor arrived, the class began, but he didn’t come. The excitement and anticipation drained out of her as the class went on and drew to a close. Where was he? Had he perhaps been a figment of her imagination? She felt betrayed and depressed. She spent the weekend shut away in her bedroom reading Nietzsche and listening to goth metal, drowning her sorrows in self-mutilation.
On Monday, once again, he failed to turn up for philosophy. Amy was now slightly annoyed. How could he just stroll into her life, make such a dramatic impact and then disappear without a word? It was positively rude! That night she decided she’d go mad if she spent any longer stuck in her bedroom, so she put on her black leather skirt and see-through top, and went out to The Cave, a nearby club populated mostly by middle aged ‘metallers’. She sat at the bar, her back to the stage, sipping a vodka and cranberry juice and listened to a new band being announced. They were called ‘Absolute’ and would apparently become regulars if they got a warm reception.
The low rumble of the bass engulfed the club in a haunting riff, and was soon joined by the electric guitar. The song was slow and poignant with expressive undertones. Amy sat captivated as a deep, rich voice surrounded her, flowing through her like molasses and stirring her very soul. She closed her eyes and let the voice carry her away on its velvety sensuality. It melted her from the inside and flowed through her like electricity, filling her with its warmth. She turned slowly to see who could make such an amazing sound, and to her astonishment, saw James Carter standing on stage with his eyes closed, singing out his soul in the evocative lyrics only he could have written.
She was entranced throughout the entire set and found herself completely paralysed in her seat. When the set finished applause rose up from the crowd and the band left the stage. Amy pulled herself together and moved quickly towards backstage where she met James coming down the stairs onto the main floor. Her heart was beating so hard and fast she thought it would explode. Her breathing was shallow as he came nearer and she knew this was the moment she had been waiting for all week.
“Hi. James?” she tried to sound as cool and calm as possible under the circumstances; she didn’t want to seem like a desperate groupie. “I’m Amy Bookman, I’m in your philosophy class at the Community College.” He regarded her passively.
“Oh,” he replied. He looked away and seemed about to walk off but Amy pursued the conversation.
“Your band is amazing!” she flattered. “Did you write those lyrics?”
“Yeah I did.” James sounded bored as if he was used to this kind of praise from young girls. Amy was determined not to be disheartened by his apparent disinterest.
“They’re really good. I really connected with some of the ideas in them. They made a lot of sense to me. I felt like I understood what you were trying to say.” James looked deep into her eyes and studied her hard with a slightly suspicious expression on his face. Amy realised she’d have to prove herself if she wanted his attention. “That song ‘Dark Nights’ really made me think about what it’s like to be alone in the world, with nothing, just your thoughts and reflections. It was really deep.” A momentary smile touched James’ lips.
“Yeah,” he agreed, “I like that song too.” And with that he turned, and left her standing there alone, reeling from the supremacy of his stony, hypnotic eyes.

The next few weeks were eternally frustrating for Amy. She attempted to make conversation with James whenever he decided to turn up for philosophy class, but he always brushed her off with dismissive paraphrases and excuses of being in a hurry. Every Monday, she went to The Cave and heard his band. She couldn’t get the sound of his voice out of her head. It was like nothing she’d ever heard before. It haunted her dreams and gave her a feeling like she could float away on it. It enveloped her and took her to another place, a place deep in her subconscious, a warm safe place where nothing could get to her. Part of Amy was getting annoyed with James. He was so aloof, swaggering around like he was better than everyone else. She wanted to label him as an arrogant asshole and forget about him. But she couldn’t. She had to get to know him; she had to become a part of his life.
On the last day of term, Amy arrived at school to find the infamous James standing by her locker. She approached him apprehensively and started getting her books out as if he wasn’t there.
“Amy.” As he spoke her name, she felt her stomach flip and her heart melt inside her. She took a deep breath and turned to face him.
“Hi James.”
“I was wondering if you could help me out. I’ve written this song but I’m really not sure about it. I need a second opinion. Do you think you could listen to it and tell me what you think? I reckon you’ll understand it, you think like me.” Amy stood stunned for a second. This was such a colossal compliment. Not only was James comparing her to himself, he was actually asking her opinion on something!
“Umm, I, yeah sure, of course I will,” she stuttered.
“Great,” he smiled, “Meet me in the music room at lunch.” He turned and disappeared down the corridor leaving Amy feeling like she was walking on air. At lunchtime, she went to the music room where she found James sitting in a corner with a guitar, studying a piece of paper in deep concentration. She stood by the door not daring to speak. After a moment he looked up and signalled for her to sit down near him.
“OK, now I want your honest opinion,” he told her and she nodded. He seemed almost nervous as he placed the paper in front of him and took up the guitar. He closed his eyes and began to sing. It was a stirring song about being deeply in love and then having that love torn away from you in one soul-destroying moment. Throughout the song James kept his eyes shut and sung softly but passionately. His expression was full of pain and in places Amy thought his voice would crack. As the song finished Amy couldn’t speak. She had tears in her eyes and her throat was tight.
“It’s beautiful,” she whispered. For a minute, James just sat there in silence, his eyes closed tightly, like he was trying to hold back tears.
“I’m sorry,” he said eventually. “Maybe I shouldn’t have played it to you, I just wanted you to understand.” And she did understand. She suddenly understood why James was the way he was, why he was sulky and withdrawn, why he seemed to know so much about pain and suffering. Amy wasn’t sure what to do. She wanted to hug him and tell him it’d all be ok, but she couldn’t. His presence was so intimidating, she felt it would be disrespectful to try and comfort him.
“I’m glad you played it for me,” she told him. “I feel privileged, honestly.” He looked at her as if he was searching for something in her face.
“Do you wanna go for a coffee or something this afternoon?” Amy had never heard him sound like this. He sounded insecure and unsure of himself. Suddenly she didn’t feel so uncomfortable.
“Yeah, I’d really like that.” He smiled and seemed relieved. They agreed to meet outside the College at 4pm. For the rest of the afternoon Amy couldn’t concentrate. She watched the clock impatiently, each second seeming like an eternity. Finally the bell rang signalling the end of the day. Amy jumped out of her seat and hurried to the gate where she found James waiting. She smiled and waited for him to speak but he said nothing. He didn’t even look at her. He just turned and started walking down the road in the direction of town. Amy hesitated for a second. Did he want her to follow him? She felt a surge of annoyance pass through her and then remembered his song. She caught up with him and they walked in silence for a few minutes.
“Where do you wanna go?” she asked in an attempt to make conversation.
“I want to show you something,” he replied and did not speak another word for the rest of the journey. They walked for ages down tiny side roads until they were well into the countryside. Amy had no idea where they were. She was getting tired and began to wonder whether James was just messing her about. She didn’t confront him though, his expression was solemn and he seemed locked in thought. Finally, he turned to her and said:
“I’ve never taken anyone here before. You have to promise to keep it a secret.”
“I promise,” Amy whispered, feeling slightly breathless at being given such an honour. They turned one more corner and found themselves confronted with a steep hill. James led her up it and came to a halt at the top. By now the sky was growing dark and the sun was dipping under the horizon. The sight that met Amy’s eyes took her breath away. She had never seen anything so beautiful. Stretched out in front of them lay miles of countryside, in the distance she could see their town and could make out the tall tower of their college. Trees rose up out of the fields, bare and desolate, silhouetted against the sugary pink sunset. She could hear the trickle of a stream below them and looked down to see it sparkling gold, reflecting the sun.
James stood like a statue beside her and Amy saw a tear slide down his cheek. She too felt like crying but she couldn’t explain why. The magnificence of the landscape was so overwhelming that she almost couldn’t bear to look at it. After a few minutes James spoke.
“I come here as often as I can,” he said quietly. “It reminds me what life is really about. In this world we rush about so much, getting on with our lives, we rarely take a minute to step back and look at the gifts we’ve been given.” Amy couldn’t speak; she couldn’t find any words to express what she was feeling. “You feel like crying don’t you?” Amy nodded.
“It’s weird, I don’t know why.”
“There is such a fine line between pleasure and pain,” James stated. “You can’t experience true happiness without feeling intense pain at the same time.” Amy thought this was the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard. She looked at James with an expression of confusion but he carried on unfazed. “True beauty is painful and true pain is beautiful.” Another outrageous statement. Amy began to lose faith in James’ sanity. “Emotion is such a powerful thing. Generally, we only feel shallow, superficial emotions because human nature can’t handle them on a large scale. To experience the full power and supremacy of life you have to open yourself up all the pain in the world as well and accept that you may be broken in the process. I believe you can handle it, I believe you can understand what I’m talking about.”
Amy shook her head. She thought he was talking nonsense. She wondered why she let him take her here in the first place. “I have to go,” she told him, and began making her way back towards the town. Her head swam as she walked. Could she really have been so wrong about James? Was he really a total psycho? Why had she let herself fall under his spell? In the philosophy classes, his ideas seemed plausible and profound. The opinions he had just expressed to her seemed completely outrageous and excessive. They scared her.
No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t forget his words, she thought about them non stop for days. The more she pondered them the more she realised that perhaps she’d overreacted. They were just an opinion and even if she didn’t agree with them, it didn’t mean she had to run away from James. She wanted to tell him that, to apologise, but it was now the holidays so she no longer had philosophy classes as a way of seeing him. On the Monday, she went to The Cave but ‘Absolute’ didn’t play. She asked the manager where they were and he said he didn’t know. They’d just stopped turning up. Her concern developed into guilt, after all, he’d put a lot of trust in her and she’d rejected him.

Three weeks later the spring term began. Amy searched desperately for James but couldn’t find him anywhere. She had to talk to him. All through her philosophy class she couldn’t take her eyes off the door, the Professors words swum around her but she couldn’t take them in. Where was he? At lunchtime, she decided that she couldn’t wait till Friday, she had to take decisive action. She went to the office and asked where James Carter would be in Period 5.
“He’s gone,” the secretary replied with an air of nonchalance.
“Gone?! What do you mean?” Amy asked in horror.
“He’s left, said he was moving to New York.” For a moment, Amy couldn’t speak. She stood, rooted to the spot, waves of nausea passing over her. James had gone. She may never see him again. He may never come back.
This was too much information to take in. For the next week Amy roamed around listlessly. She couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t eat, she couldn’t concentrate on anything. She gave up trying to go to college; nothing was sinking in. She sat up, night after night, staring out of her window, wondering where James was and what he was doing. Insomnia made everything grow distant and she felt as if she was walking around with her head floating six feet above her body. It made her feel totally hopeless and she decided that she couldn’t live without him. She had to see him again, she would have to go and find him.
On Friday night, she packed a bag, waited until her parents were asleep and snuck out of the house. She knew they’d be worried and would probably report her as a missing person, but she didn’t care; all that mattered now was James. As she sat on the train to the airport, a wave of doubt shuddered through her. What if she found him and he told her to go away? What if she couldn’t find him and was stranded in New York? But then she thought of his song, the loneliness in it that reflected the empty cavern deep inside her. He was she only one who could make her whole. She had to do this.
Getting a ticket wasn’t a problem. She only had to wait three hours for the next flight to New York and could easily afford the economy ticket. She thought about James for the entire journey and role-played all the different scenarios in her head. She pictured his face as he opened his door to see her standing there and how she would proclaim her love and devotion for him. She imagined his arms around her as he embraced her in a bear hug of relief. She thought of his lips-
“Will all passengers please fasten their seat belts for landing.” When she got off the plane she stared in amazement at the vast airport that lay before her. Everybody seemed as if they knew exactly what they were doing and where they were going. Businessmen in suits, back-packers laughing about their most recent adventure. Mothers dragging their toddlers behind them, expressions of exasperation on their faces. Amy wandered through the crowds in a daze, wondering where to begin her search. A logical place to look seemed to be a phone book so she made her way to the nearest payphone. B, C, Ca, Carter. There were 16 Carters in the New York Pages. Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea after all.