The Doorway

I never knew what love was. Love for me has been skewed and broken, twisted into things it was never meant to be. To say, "I love you" was to say, "I want to meld my body and mind with yours." I've loved many and though my head knew that my heart was wrong, my desires ruled. The tension between heart and mind, between desire and God, between dark and light sent me vacillating between ecstasy and despair. I wanted freedom but how? Where was it? How could I attain it? Was it even possible? Why did it so elude me?

Out of the desert of friendlessness, God rained upon me many friendships, women who love God and seek to honour him. But I didn't know how to accept the godly love they offered. What manual has been written to show the poor how to live with wealth? And so my mind twisted their love and made it what it shouldn't be. I too love God. I know what his standards are. I knew I was wrong. Yet I felt helpless and couldn't move away. I ruined many friendships and with each new friend I feared. Would it happen again? The answer seemed to be yes, until Marie*.

Marie loves me. She tells me often how special our friendship is. She cares and isn't afraid to let me know. This has been the very recipe that has lured me into twisted thinking. It frightens me. Even more terrifying is the love I have for her. Is it safe to love? It hasn't been.

We talk on the phone often, considering how far apart we live. Last night our conversation was two hours that flowed with love and affection as we shared worries, joys, concerns and the work of God in our lives. As I returned the phone to its cradle, I was full of awe. How is such love possible? "Oh Lord God," I prayed, "keep this love holy, pure and honoring to you." I sat in silent repetition of this prayer. I prayed another prayer, a prayer of silent presence in God's arms, my head against his chest, basking in his love. He is the author of love. He IS love.

I knew a change had happened. For perhaps the first time ever, I was able to experience the intensity of my feelings without crossing the line into forbidden thoughts. There was no battle, struggle or temptation. It just was. And when my husband reached out to me with amorous intent and the specter of past times arose, when I would engage with him while present in thought with someone else, God continued to grant my request to keep my love for both, holy, pure and honoring to him.

It was a miracle! My counsellor said it was a lifestyle change. Say what? I saw it as a one-time experience that may never happen again. He asked me why, when I had tasted a new way, would I go back to the old? Why indeed?

I have just walked through a doorway. The door was always open but I hadn't believed that it was there. The other side was black, small, cramped, heavy, a place where I mistook the jangle of heavy chains to be the music of my soul. I found comfort in the dark closeness that restricted me. I didn't see how it confined. It was normal, and exciting! There was a mystery to the darkness that allured and seduced me, and I couldn't see the door.

For a brief moment, a light shone into the blackness. He said I could be surrounded by light but I disbelieved. Could it be real? Might the light be better? Would I be allowed to experience it? The thought stirred terror, panic! Could I leave the safety of the room? The only place I'd known? Could I believe his promises? I didn't want to but he asked me a question. "Why would you want to stay here?" Why? Why? Why do I want the chains? Why choose oppression? Why remain when I had begged to be removed? Why? I knew I couldn't. I must move through.

The bright openness stunned my senses. The foreignness of it paralyzed me until I was melted by the warmth of the sun and I opened my eyes. I am standing in a vast meadow of gently waving grasses and flowers, the breath of a quiet breeze bearing the fragrance of God, iridescent dragonflies inviting me to dance with them. Yes! I want to dance. I can't keep from dancing--twirling, swirling, leaping with joy. There are no walls, no boundaries, no chains, no end to the light, the beauty, the freedom. There is no end. Was there a beginning? The room is gone. I am here and I am free.

*Name has been changed.