If It's Meant to Happen

 The song “Graduation” by Vitamin C plays over the sound system as the mass of couples make slow, clumsy circles. The last dance of prom night. I watch the other couples dancing as I myself dance with Jessica. Turning my head slightly to catch a glimpse of her face, I wonder how this all happened. Just a few weeks ago Jessica was nothing more than a girl I had fallen head-over-heels for who would probably end up just like the rest. She, however, was different. I asked her to prom and she said yes – we weren’t dating but it was a step in the right direction. So here I am in the dim light of the St. Anne’s Center, holding her close to me, enjoying her touch, as we perform the ancient ritual of dancing.

The song fades and the sterile flourescent lights are turned on – everyone is ripped from the fantastical feel of prom and thrust back into the real world. I however couldn’t care less – I just had one of the best nights of my life. Jessica and I make our way towards the doors along with Brooke and Alex. As soon as we reach the doors we are blasted with cold air – surprisingly cold for a June night. I take off my suit jacket and offer it to Jessica who gladly puts it on. The four of us walk through the busy parking lot to Alex’s gold-coloured car. Jessica and I take the back seats while Alex and Brooke get in the front. Jessica’s house is only a few blocks away and so, before I know it, we’re in her driveway. I open my door and step out into the night. As I go around to Jessica’s door I look up at the sky – it’s crystal clear. The summer sky is full of starlight that has traveled seemingly impossible distances and now shows itself to us for our wonderment. I open the car door for Jessica and she steps out into the mixture of starlight, moonlight, and the streetlight. I take a moment to look at her – the mixture of the light makes her face even more comforting than usual. She catches my stare and smiles. I blush slightly as we turn to walk towards her front door. We reach her door step and she turns to look at me. She wraps her arms around me in an embrace. “I had a great night,” she whispers and kisses me on the cheek.

I sit up in my bed as my computer speakers blare the words “she fucking hates me!” The song, “She Hates Me” by Puddle of Mudd, is used as my alarm clock and it continues playing as I pull myself out of bed. I stumble over some clothes that are laying on my floor as I make my way to the keyboard. Without bothering to look at the keyboard, I push the combinations of keys to close the alarm clock program and turn off the music. I flip the light switch and my eyes begin to focus. My wall mural of the Earth rising looms in front of me. “I’ve really got to stop dreaming about prom, it was six months ago,” I say to myself as I look at my watch. Seven-thirty PM. Quickly I look at my computer’s clock. Six-thirty PM. My computer’s fallen back into its habit of claiming it’s one hour earlier than it actually is. Jessica and I planned on going to the park tonight and she’ll be here any minute now. I quickly toss a sweater on over my t-shirt and brush my hair. I put on my coat just in time to see Jessica pull up outside in her red Ford Focus. I walk quickly to the front door, put on my shoes, and head out to the car.

We’ve been doing this for almost two weeks now. On average, every other day we’d go to the park, sit on the swings together and talk about our situation. Should we go ahead with a relationship? Should we stop beating around the bush and end it before someone gets hurt? I wasn’t sure of what we should do – all I knew was that I enjoyed the time I spent with her. I had never held anyone in my arms until these nights with Jessica and I liked the feeling. I liked having someone whom I cared about close to me, even though I had no idea if it would continue or if we, or she, would reach the conclusion that we should stop.

I open the passenger side door and get into the car. We exchange greetings and then both drop into silence. I feel nervous. I don’t know what’s going to be said tonight but my gut’s telling me it’s not going to pleasant. I watch the leafless trees pass by as we drive down Hemlock St. The road and sidewalks have been torn up for months – the construction crew hardly works and now that there’s snow they work even less. There’s no sign of life anywhere. No grass, no leaves – nothing but dirt and snow. I turn my attention to the song on the radio – “Everything You Want” by Vertical Horizon. “I’m everything you want. I’m everything you need. I’m everything inside of you that you wish you could be. I say all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and you don’t know why.” I sing these lyrics just under my breath as we turn into the park. We pass by the Fantasy of Lights displays until we reach the parking spaces by the swings. I open my door and step outside. Looking up I see nothing but a dull, peach-coloured sky – no stars tonight. I walk around the front of the car to Jessica and we walk towards the condom swings – so-called because of their shape. I sit on the swing first, followed by her. She leans back and lays her head on my shoulder as I wrap my arms around her. Looking out across the park I see a myriad of Christmas lights. They’re pretty, but artificial – definitely not a replacement for starlight.

“Can I be completely honest with you?” Jessica speaks first, breaking the silence. These words are said in a tone that makes my heart sink – something bad is coming, without a doubt.

“Sure,” I reply, not entirely positive I want to hear what she’s going to say but figuring that everything needs to be out in the open.

“I need to be just friends. I dunno, I’m flattered but I need to be friends right now, not more.” Jessica stops talking, waiting for me to say something, but nothing is coming out of my mouth. I’m completely floored by what she just said. I knew this was coming, but based on the pain in my chest I wasn’t remotely prepared for it. I have no idea what to say. I want to say something to make her think differently, to reverse all of this.

“I’m sorry.” That’s all I can manage to say. She’s lying in my arms and this may very well be the last time it ever happens. For the first time since my feelings for her surfaced I feel defeated. I feel depressed.

“Me too,” Jessica whispers. I continue staring straight ahead at the lighting displays trying to figure out what to do. Tears are welling up in my eyes but I don’t want to let them flow. I expected this so why should I be upset? “I just want us to be on the same page,” she continues, “and like I’ve said, I’m not going anywhere.”

“But I’ll always be curious about what’s on the next page.”

“Well then you need to keep reading. You never know what life has in store for you." Jessica grasps my hand and squeezes it. “It’ll get easier. If things are meant to happen they will.” This gives me no solace. If things are meant to happen why aren’t they happening now? Jessica pulls away from me and, defeated I take my arms from around her. “We need to get going, I told my dad I’d be home soon.”

“I told Dave and Verity I’d meet them at Tim Horton’s later, I think I’ll just go now,” I
say, hinting that I didn’t want to have her drive me home.

Jessica gets off the swing turns around to face me. “Do you want a ride there?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Alright,” she replies as she heads towards her car. I stay seated on the swing and watch her walk away. She walks slowly down the path to the parking spaces and, reaching the end, turns around to look at me. I stare blankly back as she makes a small waving motion with her hand. I nod in return and she gets into her car, starts it and drives away into the night. I stay on the swing a while longer trying to piece together everything that has just happened. Shaking my head, I hop off the swing and begin walking. I make my way to the entrance of the park and leave behind the festive, coloured lighting and enter a world of orange street lamps. Again, there are no signs of life. The trees along Elm St. are leafless and bare, the road is oddly devoid of vehicles, and silence is all that I can hear. I continue down the street, thinking to myself. What am I supposed to do now? I want to be friends but how do I just stop loving? Nothing will make this better. Ever.

I pass the two large pine trees that stand sentinel in front of the hospital. Looking up at them, I smile – at least they have some life. My thought is interrupted by the honking of a car horn. I turn around to see a red Sebring speed past me with Dave’s head sticking out the window yelling “I’m having an Amsterdam good time.” The car is obviously Aphrodite – Verity’s car. I quickly walk the last block and a half to First Ave, cross the street and meet Verity and Dave in the parking lot. The three of us walk inside Tim Horton’s and head towards the counter. I order first – an extra-large double double as always – and head towards the far left corner of the small coffee shop. Verity comes a minute or two later and sits across from me with her tea, soon followed by Dave with a carton of chocolate milk. “Where were you?” Verity asks.

“At the park.”

“Whatcha doing there?”

“Not much. Talking to Jessica,” I reply. Quickly. Coldly.

Dave breaks the seal on his milk, opens it, and takes a large drink. Turning to me, he says “At least you got to see her. I haven’t seen Denise since the last day of school.” I think about this for a few seconds and grin – I was once in the same position as him. I liked Denise and was depressed that she didn’t like me back. But I got through it. Life moved on. I thought I was completely hopeless then and that I’d never move on, but I did. Could it be the same this time?

“Dave likes Denise,” Verity sings in a mocking tone.

“Yep.” Dave replies frankly. Verity, finding this hilarious, cracks up and doesn’t stop
laughing for a few minutes. I find myself chuckling a little bit simply at her laughing.
“But I’m gunna say something stupid and screw everything up. I always do,” he continues on, “like semi night. She looked amazing. But did I say ‘Hey, you look amazing’? Nope. I said ‘You look nice’ in a really stupid voice.” Although inappropriate, I find myself laughing at this. The expression on Dave’s face when he mocked himself was priceless.

“It doesn’t matter what you say to the person. If it’s meant to happen it will, regardless of what you say or do,” Verity tells Dave. Despite this advice being given to Dave, I couldn’t help but listen. ‘If it’s meant to happen it will.’ That’s the second time I’ve heard that tonight.

Verity and Dave continue talking about Denise and I tune them out. The flourescent light above me shines down, covering everything in a white light. I check my watch – eight-fifteen. It was just under an hour ago that I was holding Jessica in my arms. It was just under an hour ago that my heart felt like it was ripped in two. A green Jimmy drives past the window in front of me – the driver already sipping on his drink. The soft sound of the song “Lean On Me” drifts from the speaker above me. I take a sip of my coffee and think about what Verity and Jessica have said – ‘If it’s meant to happen, it will.’ Recently I’ve started to take more stock in the idea that there is somewhat of a preset plan for everyone, so why shouldn’t I accept this? The more I think about it, the better it sounds. If I’m meant to have a relationship with Jessica then I will. Or if I’m meant to have a relationship with Verity or maybe the next person I pass on the street, I will. Surprisingly, this idea comforts me. And, for the first time ever, I feel secure and even a little happy. This has never happened so quickly after getting the ‘let’s be friends’ speech. I look at Verity and, silently, I thank her.

“Don’t ya think?” Dave says in my direction. I snap back to the conversation at hand which, unfortunately, I didn’t hear a single word of.

“Huh?”

“Just say yes.”

“Sure.” Verity and Dave laugh their heads off at my response. I however am completely lost. “What did I agree to?” I ask.

“Nothing,” Verity says. Swivelling on her seat to face me she asks, “what were you and Jessica talking about?”

“Nothing much, we were just clearing some things up,” I reply. A lie. I wasn’t clearing anything up, Jessica was the one doing that.

“You want her don’t ya?” Verity asks – tactful as ever.

I take a long swig of my coffee and savour its taste. Another large SUV drives past the window, quite quickly, and a minivan takes its place at the drive-thru window. I look at Verity and reply, “No, actually. I don’t.” Under my breath I continue, “if it’s meant to happen, it will.”