JC and I

Hello. By now most of you have probably read JC's side of the story, “Our Story”. Well, here’s my side, what my thoughts were how I felt and how he made me feel.

Up to this point, I had had few long term relationships. They had mainly been casual relationships. Admittedly, I did love a couple the guys, but it seemed that I put more of my heart into it, than they did. I’m not saying that there wasn’t love on their part. It’s just that things didn’t work out, the way I planned and hoped. The longest one was actually my first relationship with another guy. It was great but he moved away for his job and to this day, we are still friends

It was Spring of 2001 when I met JC, through another friend. His best friend, actually, whom I had been talking to. They had been best friends all their lives, actually known each other as long as they were toddlers. Yeah, the other friend, JBH and I had been getting somewhat close, but we both knew that we were just very good friends, who occasionally helped each other out in more than friendly ways. LOL. Another one of those casual relationships, where love was involved but we both knew that we weren‘t really meant for each other. But we still loved each other all the same.

The day I met JC, my life was about to take a dramatic change and I knew it. It truly, honestly and sincerely, was love at first sight, at least on my part. I was to later learn, that he had felt the same way. When I first met him, so many emotions ran through my mind and heart. I knew that I was totally in love with him, but I was scared as s**t. I honestly felt guilty for awhile. When I first seen him he looked about 14 or so, and that really bugged the me. To be having these strong of feelings for someone so young. I immediately started to push any thoughts of a relationship with him out of my mind. Well, I tried anyway. But, I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I had to know more about him. I felt really weird, asking JBH about JC. I didn’t want him to think that I was some old pervert or something, trying to nab this “little” boy. When JBH told me that JC was indeed 18, I couldn’t believe it. How could that be? I mean, I was glad that he wasn’t a boy, but a young man. But, his looks kept deceiving me and my sub-conscious. For some reason, I still felt very weird about my feelings for him. Almost to the point that I really felt uncomfortable with myself. But at the same time, I was falling for him. And falling fast. My heart was being torn between what it wanted and what my sub-conscious was telling me. Then JBH told me that JC was indeed gay and that made me fall for him even more, even though I honestly did not think that had a chance in hell with this young, gorgeous, beautiful man. His blonde hair and very dark blue eyes that tore right through me. So, I started telling myself to forget about it. I had to face it. I was 32, short, had a small gut on me, wore glasses and was just generally unattractive. I mean why would someone so perfect want me, when he probably wanted someone his own age. Someone who was young, lean, and gorgeous, like himself. And, he could’ve had anyone he wanted .

A few days later, JBH told me that JC had asked about me. And that he thought that he might be interested in me. Well, yeah my hopes did start to soar. But, I figured that JBH was just trying to make me feel better about myself, since I had asked him about JC. And, being the sweetheart that he is, that something that JBH would do.

About a week or two later, JC and I were talking. We were at JBH’s. During this conversation, I told him that there was this young guy that I really did like. When I didn’t come out and say it was him, my heart was breaking when I seen the expression on his face. I don’t know, it was a look of disappointment, sadness, or something. I knew that, THAT was a look that I never wanted to see on his face. It was tearing me apart. Finally, in a round-about way, I managed to tell him that it was him. I was scared. I had no idea how he would react. I mean, what if I had misread his expression. What was I to do? So, I took the chance. And I felt like I had stepped off the edge of Mt Everest. We then excused ourselves to JBH’s room, with his permission of course. I was nervous as hell. JBH had told me that he had never done anything with anyone else. And I sure as hell didn’t want to make his first time a nightmare. I’m not sure, but I think we were both crying when our lips touched for the first time. I know that I was.
And when we kissed that very first time, I knew that he was definitely the one I wanted to spend my life with. I felt like I had never felt before. I can’t explain it. He just made me feel important. And to this day, he continues to make me feel special and important.

When he mentioned me, meeting his parents, I about died. That had to be the most nerve wracking experience of my life. I was so nervous and he kept telling me calm down. And his mom and dad were the sweetest, kindest people that you’d ever meet. But I had this awful gut feeling that they were secretly plotting my “disappearance”, for even looking at their son. Especially his dad, being in the military and all. But, then I realized that they really were sincere about trying to make me feel comfortable. Especially as JC and I left, his dad shook my hand genuinely and said “Take care of my saon.” and smiled. And, his mom gave me hug and said, “JC thinks the world of you.”

We dated for about three or four weeks before we even did anything besides kiss. At the time, I was still having trouble dealing with my sub-conscious image of him, and I was battling it all to hell. I did not want him to feel bad. I did not want him to think that I didn’t want to do anything and everything with him, because I really did. But, I had a hell of a wall to break down. Eventually I did, though. And that night is a night that I’ll never forget. It was another month and a half, maybe closer to two, before we went all the way. OMG. What a beautiful night that was. I believe that there is a difference between making love, having sex and just f***ing. And what happened that night, was sheer lovemaking. It was tender and passionate. It was beautiful and glorifying.

As the holidays approached, knew I wanted to get him something special. Something that he would enjoy, something he could use. And, since he was going to be leaving for University shortly after the holidays, I had decided to buy him a new TV. The one he had kept fading out and really was kinda old. I had thought, “This would be it. This will surely get him.” LOL HOLY S**T!!! Was I ever wrong. He gave me the most beautiful leather jacket and a DVD player. The jacket was an exact match to the one his mother had given him. I later found out that, that was his plan. LOL.

The day he left town was a day from hell, for me. I don’t think I’d ever cried so much in my life. I had this overwhelming fear, that once he got up there, he was gonna find some other cute college guy and forget all me. We had made a pact to keep in contact with each other, no matter what. And no matter what, we would ALWAYS remain honest with each other.

For his birthday, in March, I had sent him a huge box of memorabilia of Scooby-Doo. Sheets, comforter, mouse, mouse pad, etc. Just a bunch of little nick-nacks. But he called me when he got it and was thrilled. And that made me so happy, to actually hear his smile. And yes, that is possible.

As time went on, we did keep in contact. And I still didn’t believe that I deserved him. Last summer when he came home for two weeks, was spectacular. All of my friends and family knew that I would not be around. LOL. They knew that JC and I would be together. As I overheard my mom tell my sister, “Don’t even think about getting a hold him this week, JC’s in town.” LOL. Then, JC gave me my birthday present. It was a few months late, but I had told him not to worry about it, just having HIM was more than enough. He did it again. He managed to make me cry, when I opened the present and it wa a PlayStation 2, a memory and a couple of games. OMG. First the expensive Christmas and now this? I couldn’t believe it. I was about to tell him that I could not accept it, though. But, when I looked at his face and seen the biggest, brightest smile, from ear to ear, on his face, I could not say, no. For, to break that smile would have been to break his heart and that would have torn me to pieces. I wasn’t employed at that time, so I still felt guilty.
Those two weeks blew by so fast. Before I knew it, he was leaving again, and there I was again, crying my eyes out.

Now, throughout this entire time, he had managed to get back down here about once a month or so. But, that was not the same as having him for two weeks, or even eventually, forever. However, until he’s finished his schooling, we will make due with what we can get with each other.

This last Christmas, as those of you who have read my journal, know. He had been planning and teasing me with a “huge” surprise. Not only that, but he also had most of my friends teasing me about it too. Don’t ask me why but, I was nervous, scared, and excited. At first when he had told me that “We were gonna have a Christmas that we’d never forget,” I had thought he was gonna break up with me. But, the better side of me knew JC better than that. He was not the type to plan to do something like that on a holiday. If he was gonna do it, he would do it right then and there. JC doesn’t hold back his opinion, at all. When he wants to say something or do something, he does it. That is one of the things that I love most about him. I tend to hold back, sometimes and bite my tongue. I think we sort of balance each other out, in that way. However, he knows as well as anyone who knows me, once I get to a certain point, I will tear loose on whoever has provoked me to that point. Anyways, back to the story. He had given a PS2 game and a control box for all of my electronic stuff, and some trinkets for the cats and dog. Yes, he considers them our kids, too. Well, I still hadn’t seen anything that would signify a “huge” surprise. I didn’t know what to think. Maybe, everyone had just been pulling my leg about the whole deal. Or, maybe he had something else planned for late, when we were alone. Hmm, that sounded interesting. :) But as you may know, the huge surprise was to come. We were “married” on Christmas day 2002. Okay, now I had cried more than I had ever cried in my life. LOL. For more details you can go to my journal entry that is right after Christmas. OMG. He keeps topping the previous gift(s). However, I cannot see how he can possibly top that. So JC, when you read this, give it up, you have reached the top and we are there together. JC, I love you so much.
And All I got him was a microwave oven. Which he did need. But jeez, compared to a wedding, a beautiful ring, well, you know where I’m going with that so………….

Well, his birthday March 18, my hubby’s gonna be 20. And what I am getting him for his birthday, is better than a microwave oven. LOL At least I hope he thinks so. LOL

Well, that is the basic jest of the things I went through during our time together. I know I haven’t written much in my journal as of this writing, but this new job is really screwing up my writing time. But keep checking and there will be some new stuff soon. I hope to just set aside a certain day(s) and time to write, so that at least once a week I can have a new entry for those interested..

I am sorry that there isn‘t more to this, but there is a reason for that. J #1- I have not kept a written journal of my life like JC has all of his life. #2 - I tend to not go into as many details about certain subjects as he does. (Yes, I’m blushing).

Be sure to visit his version at writing.com/authors/JCAV

And finally, I love my friends, BOH, DA, JMC, JW, JBH, IV, DC, BC, COH, PG and her new hubby, ooops I guess that makes her PL and LL, TS and all of hers, my mom, bro, sis, nephew, mom and dad, and most of I love JC and all of our "kids" (all 8 of them). LOL

Thanks to everyone who has read this. Please feel free to reply or let me know what you thought. I’d also like to hear some comments on his side .LOL Thanks again and Take care and a GREAT day.