Sitting in Solitude

I sit in solitude
Within the confines of my room;
Thinking about you,
The best friend I always had
But couldn’t keep.
Our differences conflict
But they are our similarities.
A friendship built by friendship,
Always destroyed by a boy.

I sit in solitude
Within the confines of my room;
And sob,
Silently.
My sunshine, my rain,
The sun, the stars, the earth.
You mean everything to me,
For you are my friend.
Best friend.

I sit in solitude
Within the confines of my room;
Further perplexing my already baffled mind.
I want to scream
But I can’t.
I want you to be there
To hug me and tell me:
“It will all be okay.”
But you won’t.
You don’t care.

I sit in solitude
Within the confines of my room;
And don’t move.
I hold my breath
To prevent the poisonous air
From powering my unblemished lungs.
I hate myself,
For not being a good friend
Like you.

I sit in solitude
Within the confines of my room;
And do not want to think,
Or see,
Or hear,
Or taste,
Or smell,
Or touch
Anything around me.
I want you back.

I sit in solitude
Within the confines of my room;
As anger fills
My emptiness.
Anger and depression.
Now he is my only
Happiness.
Along with her.
I love them and you.

I sit in solitude
Within the confines of my room;
Finally, I weep shamelessly.
For the best friend who I love
But who doesn’t love me.
You told me you could never hate me,
Even if you said you did.
Please let that be true.
All for a boy.

I sit in solitude
Within the confines of my room;
Thinking about this boy.
You loved him and you hated him.
I couldn’t see that you loved him.
I didn’t want to.
You were better friends than us.
I watched you, sharing secrets,
Laughing together.
I was so jealous.

I sit in solitude
Within the confines of my room;
And love you,
And love him,
And hope that I will not have to choose.
My heart will shatter
Into a thousand and one pieces,
If I have to choose.
You know who I would choose.

Still in solitude I sit
Trapped within the prison of my room;
Apologising to you in my head.
I cannot begin to imagine
A way to express myself,
Clearly enough.
This is my apology:
A poem.
I love you
And I am so sorry.