My thoughts

There was so much running through my head so I just started talking:

'I wish I had a tape recorder...You know the kind, the micro cassette, small, and handy,.
I want to get these thoughts out of my head.
How am I supposed to think straight with all these thoughts in my head?
Life is so strange.
What I once wanted I think will never happen.
The degrees I have mean nothing.
No one wants to hire me even though I am qualified for a social work job even though I have a Master's in the field.
The reason for not getting a job is so silly...I just want to scream, why, all I have is cerebral palsy...not Leprosy.


'So okay, I'll be the best damn Mommy I know how to be....
But then, my depression got in the way, the depression that I have suffered from since a child ...
I finally got help but my son suffered for three years before I got help.
He lived with a mad Mommy.
In 1999, I got help thankfully.
I am okay now...I don't fly off the handle so very much...I still have my days though.


'So in the summer of 2001, my husband and I decided to have a second child....We had her in April 2002...I got a second chance to do it right.

'Then, I fractured my kneecap at a roller rink party my son was invited to and I decided to try my hand at skating for the first time in 15 years.
This was not supposed to happen but okay.
The surgeon said it would take 6-12 weeks to heal...Ok 2-3 months, I can take that...I think!

'Everything seemed to be going the wrong way, why can't I have the luck others have? I need a break like everyone else!

'I am a person, my disabilities are not my life.
I need to have a life.
A life that I can be proud of.
A life that someone can be proud of me.

'I don't know...I just want to be me but I always run into conflicts with that.

'I never feel like I'm needed and that if I fell off the face of the earth would anyone even care.
I know my husband wishes I were more than just a housewife and Mommy but that job is the only job that does not require an interview/interviewer and impressions. I used to like working with people now I am quite scared of people whom are in higher authority than me. They can say 'No' to me.

'No! Hurts more than any other word in the human language. It puts down even though there are only two letters. It says so much with only one syllable.

'I want someone to listen to me and let me do what makes me happy. I want my husband to think about what makes me happy rather than money. Money makes me miserable. My whole younger years I had to worry about money because my Mom had little as well.

'After I left home I vowed to think about money as little as possible. I can't deal with it. I hate not having money but I can't stand worry about having no money. I hate how our whole culture is based on how much money one has. Money does not make a person. Talk of Money Issues depresses me.

'Why is it that we cannot raise our children anymore and career is more important than raising our own children to be responsible citizens. We have children then we give them to others to do with as they please...Later we wonder what went wrong with communication and why we can't communicate with our own children. Why do they not come to us when life's issues come up?

'I am raising my children...and I believe that I should have the right to do so.
No one should be able to make that choice.
Our civilization needs to re-think how we want to raise our children because later in life we are going to turn to them and they will just take us to the retirement community because they never learned to have a relationship with us...Because we never gave them a chance...We decided that work was more important than they are and in return we passed that trait onto them.

'A family these days do not even know each other and society thinks that is okay.
Is it? I say, really is it?'