The Fortune Cookie

Confucius Say: You will experience indigestion.

Meet James, a well-rounded and respected member of his elite corporate associates. James has everything he desires in life- almost. James has money, he has a sports car and a bribe at the local Police station that allows him to race it on the local high ways. He has a cooking staff, a cleaning staff, a laundry staff, a garden staff, a mechanic staff, and a staff on hold to replace them if he so chooses. How, may you ask, did James get so lucky in life? Well there is one deficiency to James’s well-rounded psyche: James puts his utmost faith and future in the hands of superstition; in the form of Fortune Cookies.
James’s obsession with Fortune Cookies began at the tender age of seven. James’s family decided to have Oriental food for their Christmas celebration that year instead of the regular turkey and vegetables. In James’s fortune he read: “A laughing, jolly man plots your demise.” That night, James’s crept down stairs to the Christmas tree when heard a noise on the roof. Much to his child delight there stood a jolly man in red putting presents beneath the tree and gifts in the stockings that hung from the mantle. James exclaimed, “ Santa Claus! Your really here!” At the sound of James’s voice, Santa, a.k.a. Dad, wheeled around in fright, tripped and landed on his rump in front of the glowing embers of the fire. As his father began to talk him into going back to bed, James watched in horror as Santa’s hat began to catch fire and burn. When Santa realized what the burn smell was, he ran around the living room hysterically, flailing his arms and spreading the fire to the drapes, the tree and the sofa. The result: James’s house burnt down with everything the family owned inside it, forcing them to start from scratch. James’s father escaped with his life and that of his family- but not his hair. To this day he is still bald. To this day James’s cringes when he thinks of Christmas and sees fire. To this day James religiously believes the word of the Fortune Cookie.
Over the years the Fortune Cookie has proved a salvation in the realm of James’s decision making. For instance, when James was twelve, he was out with his family and his Fortune Cookie read: Smile-someone is watching you. Frightened, but putting his faith in the fortune, James looked up and smiled. He smiled just in time for the news crew that rushed in to do a breaking story: “ Chinese food poisoning, and the cats that gave their lives.” The film crew interviewed James, and it led to a casting agent that sparked his career in the entertainment business.
Throughout his life fortunes, such as: “Travel to appease your restlessness” ( saved him from a terrible earth quake that destroyed his family home- yet again, “Secret kindness will be rewarded” ( his recent deal with the police station has saved him from thousands of speeding tickets), “ You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands on” ( this one landed him in a sticky situation involving a minor and a misunderstanding). Though he did not spend any time in jail he did prosper from the experience; he met his fiancée, Darla.
Most recently James toyed with the idea of asking Darla to marry him. Being a big decision, James went to consult the Fortune Cookie. “Birds are tangled by their feet and men by their tongues”, James took this to heart. Instead of asking Darla to marry him outright, he tied the ring to his tongue and gave her a great big kiss. Needless to say, after they recovered the ring (three days later) in the emergency room( Darla choked on the ring, swallowed it- and well it takes three days with bread and water), she accepted his proposal.
Now after many years of marriage, and many Fortunes later, Darla was threatening to leave James. She was jealous of his reliance and love of the Fortune Cookies. The biggest, most important decision of James life: Should I divorce Darla, my one and only love? Loose my house and car and luxury to alimony? James needed a guide fast.
With trembling hands he opened his fortune cookie. As is custom, he ate every last crumb of the cookie to insure the fortune would come true; then he read the fortune.
Later that night, the staff would recall that they heard James scream something terrible and then start laughing hysterically. The police found James locked in his study clutching a little piece of paper and giggling like an idiot. Darla, heartbroken as she was, had James committed, took over his property, his money, his car, his staff, and his senior partner at the firm. Never again was there Chinese food in the mansion that James previously resided.
Now dear reader, you must be wondering: what did James’s fortune read? What would push a man over the edge of sanity like that? When James opened the most important fortune of his life, a faith that he had put every ounce of his strength and life into, this is what the cookie’s fortune read:
“ You Love Chinese Food.”