What's Wrong With Me?

Why do I always feel so sad? I know I've got it way better than a LOT of people, and yet I've become very...unsatisfied; disillusioned and jaded, even. Shouldn't it be someone with no home, or a terminal illness, or who has no parents feel this way? Why does it have to be me? Why do I have to be so depressed? Why?

I know what people think of us teenagers who are depressed; especially at my school. "Oh the years and years of suburban oppression have ruined these kids. They have it so tough with their nice homes and low crime rates," they say, and it's in a truly sarcastic tone in which they speak. They just don't understand. It's not WHERE I live, it's the household I live in. It's the Life I lead. It's my school life.

No one realizes how badly I want to be loved by just one guy. I know people say it's not what it's all cracked up to be, but I want to fin out that information for myself. I want to be hurt. I want to know what it feels like to love and be loved! I want that euphoria, that satisfaction! And if it ends up falling apart...well, the sadness and lonliness is all a part of the deal, now isn't it? Everytime I fall in love, it ends up being requited, ripping my heart in two. Of course, the fear of rejection is too great for me to just suck it up and ask a boy out...but then again, I'd rather be asked then ask myself...

And then there's this angry, depressed part of me that I don't let anyone see. I hide the part that hurts so no one has to be burdened by my dilemmas while I play the world's psychiatrist. And I don't mind that. I just mind the part where no one listens to my problems in return. I thought friendship was a two way street.

I'm just so sick and tired of feeling depressed all the time. But I can't just cry it all out and feel all better. I have a serious issue with crying, in fact. It takes me a week to actually cry, and even then, it's just a few small tears. I think that crying, for me, is just unproductive. I'd rather just put on a mask and hurry on my way.
No one's going to listen to my problems anyway, so why bother showing any negative emotion.

For some reason, I think that I don't really belong with any of my friends, like I'm always the one left out, which is ridiculous I know. Why is my mother always such a psychotic bitch, and my father is a jackass who decided to abandon my brother and me?

I just want to know what's so wrong about me being sad! Everyone else gets to!

And if Everyone else can, so why can't I? Why can't I?! I always have to be Mary fucking Sunshine, and no one cares what my problems are because all I'm good for to them is to get advice for their own problems; advice they're probably going to ignore in the end anyway. They're all great talkers, but sucky listeners.

Not everyone puts on a masquerade, so what makes me so different that I do? But I have to get past all that, no matter how hard it is to break through the miles of walls I have put up inside my heart.

I need to find my happiness; I have to find the unused area of my heart where it allows me to love wholeheartedly and start to let people have a piece of that area, so they can see another part of my true self, rather than the distant, advice-giving, numb friend of theirs. I need to start being me.



Author's Note: I wrote this piece several years ago, when I was probably about a freshman or Sophomore in high school. I am now going into my sophomore year of college, and I look back on this piece thinking "Wow, I've changed so much since then!" What's strange though, is how vividly I remember feeling like that, and how easily I was able to edit this without losing the integrity of the piece; without losing the angst and anger I was trying to convey when I originally wrote it.

So, if you're reading this, then you've taken the time to read a hopefully easier to read piece of writing, and a ridiculously long Author's Note. For which I thank you, and please Rate and Review, because I love constructive criticism, and I'm always willing to listen to advice and suggestions for my writing! I also have a few other pieces in my portfolio to check out if you're feeling particularly interested.

Thank you.

-Your Author, who shall go by her pen-name of "Rica."