Charades and Poker

Everyone hides, covers up, what they don't like about themselves. All of us want to present our best side. Which of us hasn't desired to impress that one person we just can't bear to have think badly of us.

Convinced that our natural talents and qualities are not enough or are flawed, we disguise our true selves. Wearing masks that cover those sensitive spots, we live our lives in a perpetual game of poker attempting to keep our masks in place while trying to dislodge those of the people around us.

I am no exception, though perhaps a bit more inventive than most. I don't own a single mask. Not one, nothing that will slip out of place to embarass me. No, I dress up in the full costume. I get the details very close to perfect, sometimes even that. Only very observant and sensitive people will catch me. Even then it's only a tiny tear in the fabric.

I am aided in this by the preoccupation of most other people. They are more than ready to believe what they're told. This is because they are so busy with themselves and their own lives they don't have time to figure things out or spend hours analyzing me. They still think they're playing poker, but I've actually changed the game. I'm playing charades. I give them the clues, act a certain way and eventually they believe me.

It really works. How can it? Easy, I wear two costumes at the same time. I sit down at the table and deal the cards. We all start playing poker, one by one they let things slip a bit. They get comfortable and it happens. I get comfortable and one of the costumes tears a bit. Here's the fun part. They see the costume underneath, not me. I can even damage my own costume by design, letting them see only little clues to what's underneath. They see what I want them to see and come to the conclusions I want. They never know I led them there, and what they've discovered is still not me.

Psychotic? Maybe. Safe? Maybe. Desirable? Never. I have found that while games can be interesting, even entertaining, they are just games. I want more. I need real relationships, true friends, who love me in spite of my failings. Hard to do though, because all the protection is gone and it's just me. Me, who's not special or particularly talented. Me, who's not a lot of things.

Lately, I've worn my own skin a bit, leaving the costumes behind. Terrifying prospect, but not so bad in practice. I've only tried it with people I know, people whose own masks are cracked and broken. People I've seen through and understand. They've been very receptive and supportive. Isn't that amazing. I get more comfortable every day and am less tempted to dress up, even with people I don't know so well.

I can see the end now. The day when I come to the table sans costumes, deal the cards and then push back, grab my things and go. What's after that? I don't know, but for those of you still playing poker, charades or any other games, you have a good time. I'm not playing anymore.