Wide Awake

CODE: T (set in the Trench Rats/Tunnel Rats storyline)

TAKES PLACE DURING (specific story): All (?) scenes: The Trench Rats (in progress)

PAIRING: PFC Reseda Rat/LC Silver Rat (M/M)

EXPLANATION: Potential spoilers. Well, the cat's out of the bag: Silver and Reseda have a thing for each other. (See "Dear Silver" and "The Good Morning" for earlier scenes). Reseda used to think that he hated Silver, as Silver was always railing on him for messing up in his duties--Silver is NOT a friendly happy guy. (Hint: He likes to snap people's necks. That's his trademark.) Reseda is resentful toward Silver's apparently singling him out all the time, until an oversight on his part leads to Silver's capture and then assault at the hands of the Nazis. (See "Broken Ghost" for this part of the story.) Already wallowing in guilt, Reseda feels even worse when the other men in his company start talking about Silver behind his back--turns out that he's not performing his OWN duties very well anymore, in the aftermath of his rape, but there's no way that he'll admit something is wrong. Reseda starts keeping his eyes doubly open, in effect taking over Silver's job while SILVER becomes the inept one for a time. It's as if they switch places. Meanwhile Reseda's feelings grow. In the first (rather unbelievable, I know) scene here, "Wide Awake," Reseda acts on these feelings, but can't tell whether Silver feels the same way or not. What Silver says at the end hints at what's to come, and the two of them start what's probably one of the strangest relationships in all of my writing--a bisexual and a straight, both of them male, and both of them apparently fine with it. What are the odds? Who knows?

DISCLAIMERS: I blame artistic license for the unbelievability of "Wide Awake" (like anyone could drowse through that...uh-huh). It also doesn't seem much like Reseda's nature to take advantage of a sleeping person, especially following what happened, though I knew of no other way to introduce the two. o_o; Silver also acts somewhat out of character in these. *shrug*

* * * * *

Wide Awake

Silver lay dozing upon his side, mentally and physically exhausted. Reseda sat still beside him and watched his breathing. He felt empty inside; his beloved was next to him, yet didn't even know that he was his beloved. Reseda hated keeping it to himself; it made him feel false. He'd been taught never to be false. Yet he felt that the other Rat wouldn't appreciate his confession. Especially not after what the Nazi had done to him. He'd recovered physically by now, but Reseda could never be sure about his mind.

His breathing was slow and even. Reseda knew that he was exhausted, in a deeper sleep than he'd been in in ages.

Before he could give himself time to properly think it through, he leaned down and softly pressed his lips against Silver's in a small, gentle kiss. He meant to pull away quickly...yet found that he couldn't. His lips parted just slightly, tongue coming out, tracing against Silver's mouth...

Silver stirred in his sleep, murmuring. Reseda drew back abruptly, face going white. What a move. And not a good one. Silver rubbed his eye and blinked groggily, voice coming out slightly hoarse.

"Reseda? That you?"

Reseda swallowed. His throat was dry. "Yes, Sir."

"What are you doing?"

"Making sure nobody comes along while you're sleeping."

Silver muttered something unintelligible and drifted back to sleep.

Reseda let out his breath. Close. Too close. Yet the pain and emptiness were still there. He couldn't stand to sit so close to the one he loved, without even being able to tell him...after all, which pain would be greater, the pain of him finding out, or the pain of never telling him? Reseda could lose not only his respect but his position as well. Yet at the moment, he no longer
cared. He had to let Silver know how he felt. He had to.

If Silver refused him, he would respect it and accept it. But he had to know...

He reached out and gingerly touched Silver's face. The Rat still slept. Reseda's fingers traced along his jawline, across his cheek, over his lips; when he cupped his hand to the side of Silver's face, and Silver sighed in his sleep, he leaned forward, lips just barely meeting his again, tongue lightly tracing, shutting his eyes, savoring what little he had...

And...

Silver's mouth opened.

Reseda started mentally as his tongue was allowed into Silver's mouth, started yet more when Silver returned the kiss, lips gently pulling and sucking. He opened his eyes. Silver's eyes had not yet opened, yet his hand came up to touch Reseda's, and the way that he kissed...it set Reseda's soul on fire. He wasn't certain whether the Rat was asleep or awake. As shameful as it was he didn't care. He dreamed that in this moment Silver lived for no one but him and him alone. He had responded favorably; Reseda couldn't handle it anymore. The fire inside him needed to be quenched; the emptiness inside him needed to be filled.

He leaned in closer, and then drew himself over the Trench Rat; Silver didn't get up, didn't open his eyes, yet didn't stop kissing him either. His hands cupped Reseda's face like those of a lover. Reseda's breath came fast. He ran his hand down Silver's front, down his chest, his belly, to his groin, and fluttered away, tremulous; when Silver still didn't move, it moved back, touching him, trembling, then stroking, slowly, gently; Silver's breath sped up and Reseda was surprised to hear him moan softly--he grew immediately hard at Reseda's touch. It was a chain reaction; Reseda grew hard as well. Silver's hands traveled down his back, to his buttocks; Reseda's kiss moved to Silver's neck; Silver's soft, rapid panting made him lose his mind.

He knew Silver was not fully awake or in charge of his senses. He must not be seeing Reseda at all, but someone else. As much as he tried to fight it, this knowledge made no difference. Reseda's pain was too great to deny any longer.

I have to have him...I have to be with him...I love him, so much...so much...

He raised himself, trying to keep his breathing level. He took Silver's shoulder, turned him over...he loathed himself inside for doing this, he thought of what the Nazi had done, how despairing he'd felt on hearing of what had happened to Silver...yet the fire roared higher...and so did his lust...Silver didn't fight back, didn't even so much as protest or struggle, when Reseda's weight pressed against him; if anything his panting increased, and he moaned again; the sound sent shards of electricity shooting through Reseda's body. Shaking, he lifted Silver slightly, spread his legs, parted him open...even as his mind said, I'm sorry, Silver, he mounted him and thrust inside deeper than he'd intended.

Silver stiffened beneath him with a sharp gasp. Reseda quailed inside, fears of having brought back memories of the Nazi running through his head. Yet still the Rat didn't fight. His claws dug into the rock they were upon; his muscles tightened and his breath came in rapid spurts. His member throbbed outward, fully aroused. Reseda had no idea what it was that he saw in his mind...but whatever it was, he appeared to be enjoying it, not repulsed by it.

Reseda longed for him to open his eyes, acknowledge who he was with, call his name...

Yet Silver did none of these, but the feel of him was such that Reseda could overlook it...if only to be with him for a short while...

He held onto Silver's shoulders first, then his hips, pumping his own hips forward, panting heavily; it was everything he had imagined it would be, the feeling of him. No one else had ever come close. All sorts of thoughts swirled in his head, thoughts that he wished he could give voice...I love you, Silver...I wish I could tell you...I wish you would love me back...I've always loved you, since I met you...if only I could tell you this...if only you would tell me the same...beloved Silver...

The whole time he made love, Silver somehow didn't come fully awake. Reseda couldn't understand it. He reacted as if awake, yet Reseda knew that he couldn't be. He couldn't be. He wouldn't be allowing this...would he? He'd never seemed to notice Reseda that way in waking life. Why hide it? Unless he wasn't completely in his right mind? He had to still be trapped in a dream, imagining himself with someone else...but with who? Who would pleasure him like this, after what he'd been through?

Reseda tried not to take too long. He knew that Silver would not remain dozing forever. As such he coupled with him as long as he dared, about twenty minutes, before forcing himself to come; he wished so badly to go longer, but knew that it was too great a risk. Just because he'd gotten this far didn't mean that he could get much further. He released with a soft groan and was pleasantly surprised to feel Silver's resulting shudder. Reseda quickly stroked him, felt his juice warm on his fingers, and sighed inwardly. He wished for more.

He pulled himself out carefully, turning Silver over again. Silver's eyes were finally open, but only a little bit; he was still not quite conscious. He panted softly, and when Reseda touched his face to see how he was doing, he took Reseda's head, pulled him down, kissed him fully, tongue going within Reseda's mouth.

Reseda nearly started again. What--

But he didn't fight it. So Silver still dreamed...so let him. He touched him back, again stroking his tight muscles. Silver returned the gestures. A slight faint guttural noise escaped him; he chewed on Reseda's ear, tongue tracing along his skin. His fingers dug into Reseda's arms. Reseda pulled back a bit, Silver came with him; within moments they had changed positions--Reseda lying upon his back, Silver above him, still kissing, fingers caressing.

Still dreaming...he must dream he makes love to a woman... Reseda didn't break the illusion. Indeed a moan arose in his throat now, wanting to feel Silver within him; he had to struggle a bit to turn himself over, as Silver wasn't doing so, still trapped in his dream, whatever it was. If he saw him as a woman...of course he wouldn't hurry to reposition him, if it wasn't necessary. Yet Silver offered no protest toward Reseda's actions; as soon as Reseda had put his head down against the rock he felt Silver's hands fondling him, gently squeezing, and shut his eyes, letting out his breath. He had wanted for so long not only to be inside Silver, but to have Silver inside him...the moment had come...he moaned anew at the feeling, Silver mounting him, pushing, thrusting, pumping, panting, rocking; Reseda submitted this time, savoring the feeling, all sorts of sensations coursing through his body. He wanted to call out Silver's name, and yet refrained. He didn't want to shatter the illusion that Silver had conjured in his mind...best to just let it run its course...then at daybreak he would likely remember just an erotic dream, with someone he truly loved, while Reseda could rest with his memory of what had truly happened...he would keep it to himself, always...

Silver leaned over him, pressed to his back, tongue tracing Reseda's ear. And he whispered something that sent violent chills sparking down Reseda's spine.

"Reseda..."

Reseda's eyes shot open. He barely had time to realize what he'd just heard. He heard Silver groan, felt him come; the warm fluid filled him up inside, his own climax spraying out over the rock that Silver had been using as his bed. His mind raced. Did Silver dream? Was he awake? Somewhere in between? Even if he did dream--why had he whispered Reseda's name? Did he, somewhere deep down, actually feel something for Reseda--?

He had no time to find out. Silver pulled out of him, sinking back down to the rock, panting exhaustedly; his eyes were shut once more, and before Reseda could think to ask him if he were awake, even if he had been, he was no longer...his muscles went lax and his head rolled to the side as he dozed off again, into deeper slumber. All that Reseda could do was stare at him, heart squeezing within his chest, the not knowing tearing him apart inside.

Confused

He turned to look. Silver had started pulling at the bandages around his wrists. Before he could say anything he'd pulled them off completely and headed down for the water.

"Sir?" Reseda called; then, "Sir!"--and ran down the slope after him.

"She told you to keep those on--" he said, when Silver bent and plunged his hands into the water. "Sir! That water's not clean! It'll get infected!"

"I don't care," Silver muttered, scrubbing furiously at his wrists. He splashed himself a few times, and Reseda could see that he was rubbing the skin even more raw than it already was.

This was madness. Frightened by the odd behavior, Reseda ran into the water, grabbing Silver's arm and pulling it up. "Sir, you're already clean--"

"I am not!" In one fleeting movement Silver had wrenched his arm free, his other fist slamming into Reseda's face. Reseda fell back in the water, landing hard, mouth bleeding. Silver then put his hands to his head with an appalled look, and moved to sit with a splash in the shallow water under a shady tree. He sat panting and murmuring to himself for a moment.

Reseda waited a moment for any other outbursts, then stood and made his way over to Silver. When he reached him he knelt and hesitantly touched his shoulder.

"Sir...?"

"I shouldn't have done that," Silver muttered.

"It's all right, Sir..."

"No it isn't. You didn't do anything to deserve that." He put his head in his hands again. "God, am I going crazy?"

"I don't think you are, Sir."

Silver lifted his head, looked at his arms. He grimaced. "It doesn't matter how many times I wash them...they never feel clean. Nothing does."

Reseda bit his lip and said nothing. After they had sat in silence for some time he took Silver's hand and, to his surprise, dipped it in the water and started rubbing it.

"What are you doing?" Silver asked.

"Washing it."

"Why?"

"You say when you wash it you never feel clean. Maybe if someone else does it you will."

"That's a stupid idea, Reseda."

"I figured I'd try it out anyway."

A pause. "Why are you so concerned, anyway?"

Reseda was silent for a moment. Then, "Because I hate seeing you freak out, Sir. Frankly it scares the shit out of me."

Silver smiled at that one, but it didn't last long. He simply sat staring ahead as Reseda carefully washed one arm, then the other, pouring water down Silver's back and rubbing his shoulders. He couldn't understand the Rat's bizarre behavior, and it frightened him. Silver was supposed to stay cool...not go to pieces.

It must have been what had happened to him. Reseda's heart twisted. He hated how Silver must have felt, must be feeling now.

As he poured water over Silver's chest Silver finally lifted his head to look at him. He winced at the bruise forming on Reseda's cheek.

"It looks like I hit you pretty hard," he said.

"It's nothing, Sir. I've had worse."

Silver reached out to wipe the blood from Reseda's lip. His hand stayed longer. Reseda ceased washing him and only stared, eyes wide. Silver stared back at him.

Reseda was still but squirmed inside. Please make him do something, anything, soon--I can't take this.

Silver's response...was to lean toward him, shutting his eyes, lips pressing to Reseda's. Reseda opened up immediately. It was as if they kissed for the first time, truly seeing each other; Reseda devoured the sweet taste of his mouth, their tongues meeting.

It lasted all too briefly. Silver broke the kiss, sitting back and blinking. Reseda just stayed where he was. After a moment Silver let out a shuddery sigh and put his hands to his head again.

"I'm sorry, Sir," Reseda said quietly.

Silver looked at him. "For what?"

"For involving you in all of this in the first place. For...what I did."

"I told you already. We both knew what we were doing."

Reseda fell silent. Silver stared at the water before looking back again.

He gave a faint smile. "You look confused."

"So do you, Sir..."

"True..." Another sigh. He looked at the water. "I used to know what I wanted. Everything was so clean cut. Not anymore..."

"I've...never really known what I wanted, either, Sir," Reseda murmured. He found, to his embarrassment, that he had reached out and taken hold of Silver's hand again. He started to pull back, only to have Silver hold his hand fast.

Reseda looked at him.

Silver continued staring at the water. He shook his head slightly.

"I used to understand everything...now..."

Reseda's voice took on a pained edge. "I can't stand to see that look in your eyes, Sir."

Silver looked at him, as if genuinely asking what he meant. Reseda felt like melting inside. Silver's eyes consumed, devoured him.

He bit his lip, willed himself to stay quiet, for things to resolve themselves. Silver waited also--for what, he didn't know--before leaning to him again, mouth abruptly crushing against his. Reseda opened once more. This time Silver took his face, fingers caressing up toward his ears. Reseda moaned softly. The sound was like a trigger; a moment later Silver's hands were upon him, touching, feeling, setting him on fire. He hesitated before returning the gestures. A moment after that they lay back in the water, hands exploring, bodies molded together.

Please let me know what he wants, Reseda begged.

Silver's kiss continued. His hands traveled down Reseda's body, to his hips, his thighs, his groin. Reseda gasped and throbbed. He became hard embarrassingly quickly, and wished that he had more restraint.

Silver's hand smoothed over him, caressing, cool to the touch though Reseda's member throbbed hot. Water swirled around the back of his head, and Silver's kiss left his mouth so that he panted helplessly.

Silver's kiss moved to his cheek, lips brushing him softly, voice coming to his ear, barely a whisper. His fingers touched Reseda's bruised jaw.

"I'm so sorry about that..."

"It's all right, Sir..."

"I hit you, and I shouldn't have done that..." His lips pressed to the bruise, tongue gently licking at Reseda's split lip, cleaning his wound. Reseda shuddered. When Silver took one of his hands his fingers dug into his palm, unbidden.

When he could speak again, he did so. "Sir..."

The Rat stopped kissing him, lifting his head slightly to look down at him. The tree shadowed him from above, so Reseda could see only his silhouette, and his burning eyes.

"Sir...I don't...know what you're going to do, but...I have to do something...and soon..."

A brief pause. Reseda quailed inside. Please, please--let him take me, or push me away. I don't care which. Just no more waiting! I can't take it!

The pause just dragged on for him, though he knew that it was short. Silver stared down at him as if struggling to decide what to do. Reseda couldn't blame him. If he were in the same position...he wouldn't have known what to do either.

Silence. Then, Silver bent to kiss him once more--lips against his chin--before sitting up and pulling away.

Reseda let out his breath. Disappointment welled up in him, but also relief; anything, anything was better than the waiting, the not knowing. He started to sit up as well when Silver reached out to take his shoulder. He looked up at him in surprise. Then, seeing the look in his eyes, his own expression softened and he did sit up, putting out one arm to push himself over. His knees splashed in the water as he knelt. It felt as if his heart were swelling up and filling his whole chest; he could hardly breathe. He felt Silver, lithe and warm, against his back, and his breath only increased; lips brushed against his jaw, nibbling at his ear. Hands, which he knew were strong enough to break a man's neck, gently caressed his sides and chest. His own fingers dug into the sand. He bit his lip again, causing the blood to come, and squinted his eyes shut. Pain and desire welled up inside him, overflowing, overtaking his senses. Those hands, powerful and yet exquisitely gentle, squeezed his hips; then--

He moaned aloud again, trembling, small shockwaves of pleasure coursing through him. Silver pushed, and pushed again; Reseda turned his head to the side, saw their reflection in the water, himself on all fours, his lover kneeling upright, back straight, hands on Reseda's hips, own hips pressing forward repeatedly. He dropped his head and tried to tell himself to tolerate the pain, the sharp insane aching within him. He wanted to come right now, yet also to hold on for as long as he could--he didn't know what he wanted--except Silver. The way that the other Rat made love to him...he couldn't describe it...it was something he'd never felt before. Neither could he understand it...he had come to realize and accept that with himself, he was attracted to both, men and women...it had happened...but with Silver...he couldn't understand it. He knew that Silver was not attracted to men. Yet he was attracted to Reseda...or else he wouldn't be doing this...would he? What was it that caused this emotion, this desire and love, that created it?

He could think of no answers; his head grew hazy, only increasing as their movements did, Silver rocking into him steadily, Reseda submitting and biting off his cries of pleasure. He couldn't keep track of how long they went--perhaps fifteen minutes, perhaps a half hour--but it seemed all too short, of course, by the time that it was done--the hot thick spurt of his seed splashed against the water below him as his breath came out, the resulting warmth within him, from Silver, the caress up his back and the body he adored pressing so close to his own, fogging his head even more so. He had to catch his breath--but when he had, he could take it no more; he pulled himself up and away from his companion, both of them panting, looking in his eyes and hoping that his own weren't too cloudy. Silver's own eyes met his, a strange mixture in them, desire, confusion, something else, all in equal measure.

"I'm sorry...Sir..." Reseda said again, voice faint. It was the only thing he could think of.

A small wry smile made its way to Silver's mouth. "For what?" he said again.

Reseda meant to say, I'm sorry, Sir, for confusing you like this. Instead, it came out, "For wanting you so badly...for not being satisfied enough with what we've already done."

His face flushed red and he shut his eyes, turning away in embarrassment. Damn, what a stupid thing to say. Silver's hand took his, fingers caressing his own; Reseda looked at him, anxiety still welling up inside.

Silver leaned forward, touched his forehead to Reseda's, placed his hand on the back of his neck. They sat in the water like this, face to face, legs touching as the water swirled around them. "I'm not quite sure what I'm doing lately," Silver murmured, to which Reseda was quick to reply, to try to reassure him.

"It's all right, Sir--it's not your fault. I'm glad...I'm glad I could have been with you, but I know it's not what you intended. I won't take it personally..."

Silver's lips to his face, cutting him off as heady thoughts swirled in his brain. The hands, which had wrought such destruction, which he'd seen snapping the enemy's neck right before him, now caressed his own neck...he knew that with one twist, Silver could kill him as easily as snapping a twig...yet his touch was tender. That voice, low and breathless, the same voice he'd been wanting to hear speak to him like this for what seemed to be ages, finally did so.

"Don't explain anything away...I've made my own choices. I don't understand them. I don't know if they're right. But I make them and I don't regret them."

The deep stabbing pain again. Reseda's own voice came desperate. "Sir..."

Silver took his neck, lay back in the water, bringing Reseda down with him. Reseda put out his knee to avoid falling on top of him--as a result he ended up straddling him instead, which caused him to flush furiously. Silver didn't seem to care. He nuzzled at Reseda's neck, behind his ear, small nibbles sending shivers down Reseda's spine.

"You keep calling me that..."

"Huh?" Reseda asked stupidly. He couldn't think straight, what with the motion of their bodies stirring the heat inside him anew.

"'Sir.' You keep saying it. I'm a lance-corporal, for God's sake."

"But, I serve under you, Sir--I mean!--I serve--I--"

A soft laugh. "I know what you mean, don't get tongue tied over it. I don't see why you keep calling me that though. Especially now. It sounds ridiculous."

"What...what do you want me to call you, Sir?"

"I don't know...something not so formal." Reseda couldn't answer that one; Silver's mouth met his again. They kissed a very long time, this time, swirling and sucking and biting; by the time Silver had pulled away Reseda was rendered breathless and weak. He blinked several times to try to regain himself. Silver followed the same motion he had before, pushing himself up and over--with a start, Reseda realized that it was his turn. He felt guilt wash over him, and wanted to pull away, yet couldn't; and a moment later, Silver's hand on his own prevented him even further from doing so. Silver's fingers squeezed his, and he sensed an unspoken plea. Silver now panted the same way that he had when he had knelt before him, submitting. Pushing down his guilt, he sat up, moved forward; took Silver's hips in his hands--he already throbbed hard outward, fully aroused--then lifting his head, voice all too anxious still.

"Sir, you're sure...?"

Touching his hand, bringing it down to fondle him in front. Reseda's fingers curled inward, wrapping around the hard throbbing heat between Silver's legs. He barely heard "Stop calling me that," before he had plunged forward and in, bumping his hips forward hard. Silver bit off a cry, whether of pain or surprise Reseda couldn't tell; his hand immediately let go of Reseda's and splashed back into the water. His chest hitched, several short, quick gasps; Reseda gritted his teeth, leaned over, and drove himself forward, thrusting, thrusting. When his companion let out a hoarse, ragged cry he checked himself, kneeling more upright, trying to rock instead of push. He didn't know if Silver still hurt from what the Nazi had done to him, but he didn't doubt it. It was selfish, selfish and horrible of him to go in like that...he should have thought more. Still, he could tell that the Rat was aroused, excited, in as much ecstasy as he was; his neck arched and he trembled, fingers digging in sand, thighs quivering at his touch. Reseda ran his fingers over his body, drinking in his beautiful muscles, his perfect build...how wonderful he felt inside, the way he made him feel...

He managed to go longer this time, over a half hour; Silver's eyes remained shut with the strain. He wished to go longer, but sensed that their time was drawing near...others would wonder where they were...they couldn't keep at this all the day, no matter how badly his body might have ached. As he sped up, once more pushing faster, a little harder, he leaned over to be closer to his beloved, pressed to him as Silver had done, lips to his ear, voice still desperate, tinged with need, desire, raw lust...

"Silver..."

A brief gasp from his partner. Reseda groaned. He held Silver to him, arms under Silver's, hands clasping his shoulders, head pressed to his in a lovers' embrace, hips pumping rapidly. "Silver Ghost," he whispered, loving the sound of the nickname as it came off his tongue; "Silver Ghost!" he cried out, as both he and, he was pleased to notice, Silver, shuddered and sprayed, releasing their fluid, Reseda into Silver, Silver into the water. They broke apart from each other almost immediately, both collapsing onto their backs beside each other, staring up at the branches, panting heavily. Now that it was all over...they both grew silent...both uncertain of what to say. With the way things were...to Reseda, at least, it seemed like nothing that either of them said could make sense of this situation.

Himself, in love with Silver; Silver, who loved women, seemingly in love with him...who could explain it?

They stared at the trees. After some time Silver's voice came to him, quiet and seemingly further away than it really was.

"He called me that..."

"Huh?" Reseda said again, turning his head to look at him. Silver only stared upward, didn't look back. "Who?"

"Him." Even without the details, merely from the way that he'd said it, Reseda suddenly realized who he meant, and felt himself going sick inside. "The whole time he was doing it...he kept saying that...'pretty little Silver Ghost'...that was what he kept calling me."

Reseda would have flushed again if all of the color hadn't left his face. He pushed himself up. "I'm--I'm sorry, Sir. I didn't know--I didn't think--"

Silver shut his eyes and shook his head slowly. "No...you couldn't have known. I don't mind you saying it...it was when he said it...taking away the whole meaning of the name...I felt like I'd want to kill the next person who called me that." He finally looked at Reseda and shrugged, a faint smile coming to his face. "You made it sound normal again...so I guess I still keep it. For now."

Reseda blinked. It took a moment for the meaning of what Silver had said to sink in. When it had, all that he could do was lower his gaze to the water again, swirling one hand around in it in an effort to distract himself. He could feel his cheeks burning--not just from embarrassment this time.

The Right Thing

Reseda allowed Silver to gently caress his face. They lay side by side on the slope just below the rim of the trench; most of the company was off elsewhere, so for the moment they had been left alone. At first Reseda had not known if Silver would appreciate their solitude, or any act occurring because of it; they had made love twice so far, and since the last time he had ached for Silver badly, but he still couldn't be certain that it hadn't just been a fluke. Silver was straight. There was no question. When they had been left alone he'd gone to sit a ways from his commanding officer, trying unsuccessfully to keep his thoughts off of him. But it seemed that every time he shut his eyes he could see, feel, taste Silver's hard, lean body...and his ache only grew. Looking back, he'd seen Silver leave his lookout to collapse on his back on the slope, looking upwards and rubbing his eyes. Reseda had sighed, and gone over to sit beside him. After a while he too lay back and they'd stared up at the sky for a while.

He'd actually started to doze when something brushed his cheek and he opened his eyes, turning to see Silver lightly running his knuckles along his face. He stopped.

"Bothering you?"

Reseda's mouth twitched. "Not at all, Sir."

Silver smiled slightly, continuing caressing Reseda's jaw; then he propped himself up on one elbow, and leaned down to kiss Reseda on the mouth.

Reseda welcomed him. He felt his hands reach up to grasp Silver's head, fingers running through his fur. He moaned aloud, into Silver's mouth; unbidden, all of his desires came rushing back to him.

For a long time this was all that they did, was kiss and touch each other. Silver's taste made Reseda weak. He touched his hand to Silver's chest, felt Silver's own hand run down his thigh. He had no doubt about his own feelings, he loved Silver. End of story. He didn't know exactly how Silver felt, though.

Silver's touch felt real, felt good enough...he told himself that he shouldn't question it, so long as it was his. If it wasn't meant to be, then it wasn't meant to be. He would have to treasure what he had, right now, at this moment.

* * * * *

Gold pushed himself down into the trench and started walking north. The companies were widely scattered, but this didn't bother him much, as nothing was going on up above. He figured that most of the Rats would be relaxing or even dozing so long as it was quiet, and he didn't mind that. He could use some free time himself, as soon as he was finished checking to make sure that everyone was present and accounted for.

He still hadn't managed to find Silver, though he knew he had to be around somewhere. Silver would never leave his company unattended, at least for long.

He rounded a bend and his foot splashed in the water. Then he stopped abruptly--"Whoa"--and turned back around in the direction he'd come from. He blinked a few times and shook his head, then turned and peered back over his shoulder to make certain that he'd seen what he thought he had.

Yes...he had. He'd found Silver, but he wasn't alone. He vaguely recognized the other Rat he was with, then remembered him better as soon as his name came to mind. Reseda; he pretty much knew him only because he was a damned good shot, almost fit to rival Blue. He remembered hearing that the Nazis had targeted him, like Silver, for their ten most wanted list.

But apparently he and Silver had a bit more in common...

Right now, Reseda lay on the trench slope on his back, Silver leaning over him. Their mouths were touching, and more than just that. Silver caressed Reseda's thigh, and Reseda returned the gesture, holding Silver's head. They appeared to be lost in each other, oblivious to their surroundings, eyes closed and mouths moving.

Gold turned away again. He wasn't quite certain what he'd just seen--but from what he knew, from the looks of it, the two were in love. It was a bizarre thought, almost too much to fathom; but he recognized the signs. He'd never seen it in two guys before, but it was there, and it was obvious. He had to shake off the strange feeling it gave him before he realized that, despite the gender of the people involved, it was just the same as any other relationship he'd seen and tried to foster. If anything, these two felt more for each other than a lot of man-and-woman couples he'd seen.

They'd probably get in a world of trouble if he revealed them...but he didn't see any reason why he had to. He shook his head again to clear it, took one breath and let it out, and began trudging back the way he'd come. Silver and Reseda had been accounted for. It didn't matter what they were up to so long as they weren't missing. He doubted that anyone would much care to know about the real situation.

In the back of his mind, though, he started plotting ways to make certain that they stayed together...

* * * * *

Silver's fingers brushed against Reseda's face. He felt that the skin was hot; when he broke away from Reseda's mouth, kiss moving to his neck, Reseda's soft pant told him how desirous he was. He couldn't seem to help it anymore...he couldn't understand or explain it...he had been, for the most part, conscious when Reseda had first kissed and touched him, now seemingly so long ago...his first instinct had been to push the other Rat away, at the least, and to hit him for even trying, at the most; yet all that he had been able to do was...touch him back. Reseda's touches had aroused a fire within him, one that he'd never quite felt before. He wasn't attracted to him because he was a male. It went beyond that. He didn't know how, but it did. He had needed someone then, had needed someone the second time they had touched; somehow, Reseda was always there when he needed someone. No one else ever had been. He'd always managed to keep alone, to himself...but since...what had happened to him...he'd grown more and more afraid. Afraid of...he didn't know what. That was what infuriated him so much, not knowing what frightened him. The anxiety was overwhelming; he was surprised that he'd managed to keep his mind on his tasks since then. He was certain that he would have snapped already if...Reseda hadn't been there, for him.

The first night that Reseda had touched him, kissed him gently on the lips, as if believing that he were asleep...

The small gasp of surprise that Reseda had let out on first hearing Silver whisper his name...

Reseda trying to reason with him when he tried washing some invisible stain from his arms, the blow he'd been dealt in return, the way that their bodies melded together in a sort of forgiveness and acceptance afterwards...

He'd never been attracted to a man before, and he knew that he never would be again. But Reseda...there was something more to it. Silver somehow, for the most part, looked past his sex as they kissed. He didn't see a man or a woman. He saw the one he loved, more than anything, more than himself, in that moment. He'd tried never to put more faith in something other than himself, in the past...it would always lead to trouble...but he couldn't help it, now. Love had taken that power away from him, rendered him weak.

His lips brushed Reseda's collarbone. Reseda's chest hitched, short, shallow breaths. "Silver," he moaned, softly. The word startled and excited Silver. He drew himself over Reseda, mouth to his chest, tongue tracing patterns, teasing his nipples, hands running down his sides. Reseda sobbed silently, tearlessly. Against his leg, Silver felt his hardness.

He reached down to caress it.

His lips returned to Reseda's neck. As he kissed him he moved his hips, rubbing against his lover, slowly. His fingers traced along every one of Reseda's taut muscles. When his kiss moved up to his ear he tasted salt, and brushed his lips against Reseda's eyelids.

"Reseda..." he whispered. Reseda stifled some sound, a choked-off noise. "Why are you crying?"

Reseda shook his head. Silver mouthed his cheek, caressed his arms. His own hardness stirred, awakening.

"I was thinking...I was thinking about what he did, Sir...did to you...I can't understand why else you'd..."

"Shh." Mouth to his own. "Don't think about it...it's over...this is different, this is you and me..."

Another stifled sob. Silver pushed himself up, straddling Reseda, backed up and brought himself down onto Reseda's shaft. Reseda put his head back and moaned. He throbbed inside Silver. Silver panted. The feeling was still a strange one, a foreign one to him, one that he'd believed he would forever loathe, after the big Nazi being inside him...but the feeling he got from Reseda was different...it was...pleasurable somehow...even though he'd never thought that it could be...and he liked that they were together, enjoyed the feeling of Reseda inside him...he shuddered as he sat back, grasping Reseda's sides, rocking forward and prompting him to move.

Reseda did so, biting his lip, hips thrusting upwards as if unbidden. Tears streamed from his eyes; Silver bent to lick them away. He touched Reseda's neck, and when they kissed again, when Reseda pushed and he rocked, he felt the sharp gash of Reseda's nails against the back of his shoulder, gouging the skin. He hissed softly in pain, but immediately forgot it--they began to move, striking a tempo, Reseda pushing his hips up and up, repeatedly, Silver receiving. Their grasps on each other grew tighter as they went, and they couldn't go long, before they both had to release. Silver felt Reseda's seed come, and spurted over his lover's chest, breath dying down in his own. He leaned down over him, after pulling himself off carefully, and they lay against each other on the slope, arms and legs tangled, sweating and panting softly.

After several moments Reseda turned his head, and Silver saw the look there. The faintest hint of a smile came to his own face.

"Sir...I don't really...maybe if you could..."

"I can't." Silver looked skyward again, trying to slow his breath. "I would if I could. But I don't know. This just...happened. All of it. I don't know why, I shouldn't feel this way, but..."

"If it confuses you, Sir...then you don't have to continue...I understand completely, I'm surprised you keep coming to me, allowing me to come to you...if it makes you uncomfortable..."

"No, no, not that. I've told you not that. Believe me. I'm not here because...because I don't want to be. I want to be here. I want to be with you, for whatever reason..."

They were silent for some time. When one of them finally moved, it was Reseda this time, moving to kiss Silver, as if testing him. Silver kissed him back. They touched, explored each other's body. No one from the companies had shown up yet; they were still on their own. Silver pushed himself up again, climbing over Reseda to straddle him, only backwards this time; he caressed Reseda's member until it hardened again, felt Reseda caress his own, which didn't need much prompting; after several moments they had closed their mouths around each other and were rocking in unison, sucking and lightly biting, moving faster, before coming in each other's throat. And after they had done that...and had rested themselves some bit...Reseda got up and knelt, legs parted wide, and Silver ached inside, looking at him.

It was maddening, this pain; he wished that he knew where it came from, what caused it, how to treat it. He knew the immediate answer to the last question, and leaned forward, tongue gently running along Reseda's opening, seeing his body tremble, hearing the soft quavery sound that he let out...but also knew that this solution was only a temporary one, the pain would always return as long as he needed Reseda to be at his side when he awoke, as long as he needed Reseda's...strength there for him.

He got up, taking Reseda's hip, then his shoulder; mounted him from behind, the low moan that issued from his lover setting his desire on edge; for the next half hour he held onto Reseda's arms and pushed, pushed, pelvis thrusting, muscles tensing and relaxing, tensing and relaxing, body on fire with desire and lust. But more than just that drove him on. His hands moved to Reseda's neck, squeezing it gently, not enough to choke, but enough to remind Reseda of just how strong he was, how potentially dangerous...yet Reseda was safe with him...and always would be...he sensed that Reseda knew this as he tossed his head back with a guttural groan, thick with pleasure and need. Silver's hands squeezed a bit more; as he swayed he leaned down, whispered in Reseda's ear. "Reseda...I just want to be inside you..."

A moan. "Silver," Reseda cried softly. "Silver..."

All of Silver's muscles ached with strain; he knew that he had to come or lose it. Hands moved to Reseda's chest; he knew that if he continued to caress his neck he would go out of control, end up throttling his partner in his moment of climax. Reseda touched his hand with his own, a desperate noise rising in his throat. When Silver could handle it no more, felt his fluid bursting free and flowing from within him, hot and needy, breaking off panting, he dimly heard Reseda one last time, calling his name at his own orgasm--"Silver."

White, hot fluid sprayed over the ground...

Silver let go again, moved away again. Fell back on the slope. Reseda collapsed beside him and it was as if nothing had ever happened between now and the time when they had first joined each other, staring up at the sky above. They lay panting for what seemed to be the longest time. Silver stared at a cloud, trying to gather his thoughts...which were still just too confused. This emotion...this desire...he wished that he knew what it meant.

He was almost startled when Reseda propped himself up, nuzzling at Silver's neck, fingers running along his jaw. "I love you," he murmured; "I love you, Silver. I love you." His kiss continued along Silver's collarbone, to his breast.

Silver said nothing. The statement had caught him so offguard that he couldn't think of anything to say. Hearing his silence, Reseda lifted his head to look him in the eyes, and then his own expression--at first so full of love and desire--grew anxious and embarrassed looking. Silver wanted to reach out and touch him, tell him to stop looking that way, when Reseda drew away from him of his own accord.

"I'm--sorry, Sir. Sorry I said that."

"Were you lying?" Silver said, somewhat more sharply than he'd intended. Reseda flinched as if being reprimanded before replying.

"No, Sir...I'm...I wasn't lying. I mean it, I do. But...you didn't need to hear it, I can tell it's embarrassing you, so I take it back..."

"No." Silver sighed, ran his hands down his face. "It's not that. Not you, not what you said. It's just...I don't know...I'm not sure if it's the right thing. If you should even be saying it to me right now."

Reseda paused. "I...don't really care if it's the right thing or not, Sir. It feels right. To me. If it doesn't feel right to you, then--I respect that, I should have kept it to myself and I won't hold you to anything--"

"This is, what, the third time now?" Silver glanced at him. "Do you think this is all just some misunderstanding, some momentary thing? The way we keep doing this?"

Another pause. Reseda looked embarrassed. "...No...Sir...I don't, not anymore...but I thought...you..."

"I realized the first time off that this wasn't just some mistake, Reseda. Quit calling me Sir. We may as well both admit it, this isn't all just some whim."

"You...do you mean..."

"I don't know what I mean, yet." A flustered sigh. "I don't know, all right? I can't explain this or understand it. I wish I could; it would make more sense that way. But I don't know...I don't regret it, I truly do want to be with you."

Reseda's eyes widened.

"You...you mean that, Sir?"

"Quit calling me that."

"I'm--I'm sorry--Silver. Silver. You mean it?"

"I must mean it." Silver stared up at the clouds, voice distant. "Else I wouldn't be here, talking with you..."

He nearly started when he felt Reseda's hand to his face again. He looked up at him. Reseda's eyes had softened.

"If you do mean it, then I do too. Even if you don't mean it. I do love you, Sir...Silver. Silver."

The way that he said his name...Silver's own expression softened and he reached up to touch Reseda's face in return. For a long time they stared into each other's eyes. Neither of them spoke, though they understood what the other was feeling. No words were needed.

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This item is not looking for critique. It was written solely for entertainment's sake. Although a scene from a possibly longer story, it is complete in itself and unless otherwise stated there is not going to be any more of it written. Additional unrelated SCENES may be written, but single scenes themselves are complete as they are. So please do not expect more. If you are interested in reading the series which INSPIRED the scene, just look elsewhere in my portfolio and you should find something. (Use the "story codes" given in the scene headers. For example, "MI" = "Manitou Island" series.)

I am not looking for critique on grammar, spelling, style, sentence structure, flow, or the mechanics of writing. What I AM interested in is commentary on such things as characterization, plot, symbolism, theme, etc.--the deeper aspects of the story. I like to know if a scene is believable, if the characters are interesting, what you thought of how they interacted, if the writing evoked any emotions, things such as that.

Feel free to criticize, but just keep in mind that I'm working on more important projects and shared this just for fun and/or to illustrate character interactions, so I don't plan to revise it any time soon. Comments on the characters, theme, etc. are more than welcome.