Two years later.See where I am in the grieving process. Please check out Legacy... |
You ask if today is a bad day... Worse than any others? Every day is full of whatever I choose to fill it with, Like all the others days that Have passed this year. Time has no affect on this unbearable pain. Every day is a lifetime I have lived without her. You ask if I want others around me today. How could it matter? Alone or within a group I am still grieving Inside myself. Alone or in a crowd of a million there is nothing That can Fill this void. You ask if I want to be left alone today? Left alone how? Left alone with the ghost of a dead woman in my Mind. A woman whom I speak with continually. It wont matter if you are here or not, The conversations will not end. You ask if you should pray for me today. Of course, I request that you pray for me today. And every day. Pray backwards for me. Pray forwards for me. Pray for my family. Pray for my mother who has buried another child, One she was sure would survive. Pray for my sister who has lost a piece of hope. Pray for my brother who has suffered The loss of a comrade. Pray for my husband who lost the first Unconditional sibling love he has ever known.. Please pray for my boys. Nathan, trying so hard to remember the aunt who was his heart. Gabe, trying to find his place in this grief. Samuel who will be told all his life What his name means... A burden and a gift that he must carry. Pray for me today and tomorrow. Every day that I wake up I must know she is dead. Every day that I wake up I must Go to her funeral again. Every day that I wake up I must carry on, Put my everyday clothes on... Keep my boys fed. Listen to her laughter echo through my head. You ask me if today has been A year since she died? Every moment since I knew has been a year... 10 years, 100 years, An infinite lifetime. Every second of everyday I light A tiny candle in my heart To remember her. How else can I go on? That light is what burns inside my soul... Someday it will burn bright enough To show me the Way. But I know that will not be Today *********************************************** Sometimes I forget. That you are dead. I hear your laughter... Inside my head. I spin around Expecting you there... Only to find You are nowhere. And when this house Is filled with family... It is persistently, Consistently empty. I can see with these two eyes As the few memories My sons hold Slowly fade away and die. In one year I have wept for Your conversation, embrace. I have wept for you To see my son's face. You were so much alive That it goes unsaid... Sometimes I forget That you are dead. **** In that Place Where our mind takes us In the silky mists On the path to sleep There is a shadowy turn in the bend Where the weeds are tall And tangled. If we wake still in this place We pull it back with us, Fog rolling into our Bedrooms. And nothing familiar there Will remain. The ceiling will be a lake of slated marble. The walls... A horizon of fire. The clock on the table... Tiny red sticks upon A sacrificial pyre... Glowing red from spirit heat. Here is the place we go to dream. Here is the place where Reality is suspended indefinitely And the world we create for ourselves Endures for as long as it can, Breathes until We stop giving it breath. Here is where we are afraid to be asked... Or to ask others "Who do you love?" The answer may bleed. I was There last night. Holding this baby in my arms. This baby that you have never laid eyes on, Outside of my skin. I was there as I held him, Rocked him back to sleep From a troubled rest. And I felt you there. Closer than skin. As if you'd just left. In a way you had... And as I searched his face, I knew. That there, in that Place. You are dead now too. Finally. Finally. I cannot breathe you alive there Anymore. Reality. If there is Reality. Has Become. And even in the place where I go to dream, In the place where all hearts are bared, The place where we grow our souls Night after endless night. You will no longer meet me there. You swirl around me, Becoming a memory there as well. It is done. You are gone. *** Chorus You've been gone for a little while And I'm missing you. And I know that it's been some time, And this life seems untrue... But I know in a little while I will be with you. You've been gone for a little while... But I'll pull through. Verse1: As the days roll by like a movie Of somebody else's life. I spend my days as a daughter, A mother and a wife. But my sister, and my best friend... You've left me with half smiles, As I tell myself one more time That its only for a little while. (Chorus) Verse2: These days are getting shorter, These boys are growing strong. I don't think they realize That you been gone so long. And I know in a little while, They'll be grown and gone... And in only a little while We will all be Home. (Refrain) And one day on that High Hill, I'll see that Valley below. And you'll come running to hold me And looking back I will know... You were gone for a little while... And I was missing you. But in God's eyes it was a blink of time And He pulled me through. Yes, in God's eyes it was a blink of time. And He pulled me through *** i lost destiny's whim the absence of my open book a waiting heart can fade by pages i loved sorrows rages better my chance starts today for my unfinished life everything cruel carried away out of love my tender wounds gone where words balm seem to leave healing my chapters are of life all that can read me **** I called out your name in my sleep last night. It was impulse and instinct, My voice was so light. And today there was something I had to tell you The urge overrode what I already knew. If you had been asleep I would have woken you. If you had been lost I would have searched for you. But since you were dead I tried to forget. Just forget. And I put it into a room Inside my head. The room that has the sign "SHE IS DEAD". These things have no where to go. My other friends smile and nod But they don't know. They don't understand the things you would. And they don't comprehend All the things that you could. And I can't explain it no matter How many times it is said. And I say it again and again. That room fills up day by day. And I write these words to brush Hollow cobwebs away From windows that can't see out To watch my children play. They are so much like you When you were a child. Remembering you little Makes my heart wild and I Tell myself that somewhere you can see. Somewhere you know them and then I think That our personalities are Simply brain waves and Yours have lost their electricity. But I read somewhere That the human body weighs less After death And there is no explanation besides The exit of a soul. But I don't know. I don't know. It's a placebo. A pill I try to swallow Made of faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love For the Eternal Power above our lives. But I can't say That my faith is untested day after day. And when one gets down to dying All this life full of trying May end up nothing hands down, Once you're in the cold ground. Faith may be stupidity, Hope an off-Broadway show That will never make it because Its all supposition. We can't know Until we are in that position. And we will be. All of us And I turn to my husband and say, You know I will wake up To find you dead beside me Someday. Statistically speaking that is, Because women live longer. And I lay my head Against his back and feel stronger Although I know one day it will be cold. I breathe in each breath growing old And I strain To love my children When I know they will die. Heidelberg man did not bury his dead. There was no better life after In his Heidelberg head. Is that better? Is that better I ask myself As I look at my sons. Knowing they will be the ones To turn dust over dust when my life ends, As it must. I tell myself that one day, One glorious day... Faith, Hope and Love will give me my pay And I will see you standing On that distant shore An explosion of chemical reactions in my Oxygen deprived head and no more. But I won't care I won't care. I won't care if its nothing more than A symptom of death If I can feel your embrace. If I can take my fingertip And gently trace The hair on your brow. I won't wonder how. And if it only exists For that very last breath... That's my life after death. *** Old friends meet at weddings And haggle over memories. Tell each other how beautiful we are After we have borne our strong sons. Our hips spread out to cradle life, Now cradle our husbands weary heads, Calloused hands, trembling touch. Our faces are not yet lined and we are Thankful for that yet we know that The crows feet are on our souls. The suppleness of youth has not Abandoned our laughter and still A mature timber has slowed our trill. We watch the festivities with cautious eyes. Seeing all the facets of life contained here. No longer innocent We cringe at the innocence around us. We gathered like this then, Two years ago and some say, "I haven't seen you since..." And then their words fade away, Their eyes flicking past me, Razor sharp words nicking quickly Then pulling back. Little sister of the bride Grown up now herself Rushes to greet us and begins Her story. She volleys with another sharing The Little Sister saga, "So what's your sister doing now?" And they speak rapidly exclaming with Every new intimacy and suddenly. Suddenly. I see things as they have not been shown to me. Suddenly and completely that Horrific nanosecond of silence engulfs me As their eyes flick toward me and I see. I see. Two years of your life in a vacuum, A futile black absence. And I know as I have never know before that I cannot brag, boast, proclaim, preach, criticize, Roll big sister eyes, Or carry the proud prize of you as you Become. This role I have played as Big Sister Is done. And I look away. Something inside of me dying. They quickly say something else To cover my pain. I wonder why I am standing there with So obviously nothing to say. Old friends meet at weddings And funerals. And haggle over memories, Sharing life and death and All the breath in between. You never know more Who your true friends are Until you are standing at that casket And those who walk past it Are there for you as you mourn Your heart blackened and torn As your little sister lay broken. No words need be spoken. A hand on your shoulder Keeps your soul bolder and You know what you posess on this earth. I will always know my true worth Remembering that day. Old friends meet at weddings And haggle over memories, Trying not to forget the things That brought us together. And each word is a memory, Each glance is a heart string, Each touch is a furthering Our laughter is a gathering Echoing toward the next time we meet. |