What I Miss The Most....

What I Miss The Most...


When I was a child I thought you were immortal,
That you would never leave me.
If only I'd know how short immortality was,
I maybe would have tried harder.

If I had know I wasn't going to get much time with you,
Perhaps I'd have tried to be more patient and understanding.
Perhaps I wouldn't have blame where it wasn't always due.
I fought you though, because I thought I had all the time in the world.

But I didn't in the end did I, because in the end you did leave me.
I suppose I was lucky really, that I got the time I did with you,
For they told us that you wouldn't make it half as long as you did.
But like me you were a fighter till the end, and surprised us all.

When I walk into the hospital room and first saw you I was stunned,
I even walked back out because I didn't think it was you.
I had to ask even to make sure, because it didn't even look like you,
And then I knew you were going to leave me alone in this world.

I didn't cry at your funeral, I couldn't I suppose.
I had to be strong for everyone else,
Forgetting however to be strong for myself.
Three months later I wasn't anymore, and the tears finally fell.

I remembered our days by the Hudson River,
Counting frieght trains and watching the DayLine go by.
I remember our family holidays, going to wherever took your fancy.
I remember us once being a family, before it all fell apart.

I never blamed you for leaving me, that's the way life works.
I wanted to be angry though, I tried even to be,
But I knew it was pointless.
In the end I tried to hate you, only to find I loved you even more.

That January day I stood at your grave, even the skies mourned you.
A sky just like you used to paint at your easel, dark and foreboding.
Yet somehow even God understood and was strong,
For the rain didn't begin until the last flower was thrown.

I wondered how I would get on with my life after that, or if I even could.
I did though, because I had to,
Because I knew it was what you would have wanted for me.
Not once in 4 years since has the pain of your loss left me, nor ever will.

Regret is not in what you do, but what you don't do in your life,
And my one regret over all was that I was a disappointment.
I was too stubborn, to harsh with words and deeds,
And I know through that I hurt you as well.

If I could take it all back, do it all over I wonder if I would however.
Because now I see that if I did, I wouldn't be me.
You weren't easy to deal with either though,
And perhaps that's why I need you most, because we were so much alike.

I still have the memories, both the bad and the good,
And for what you gave me I will always cherish.
You are more than ever an inspiration to me,
You are my art, my writing, and my muse these days.

I am strong still because you made me that way, to be like yourself.
An immovable rock that finally has found peace with myself.
I could not cry at your funeral, but now I can at your grave.
And where I could not tell you things in your life, I now say in death.

Thank you for being there, even when I thought you weren't,
Because now I see you were even when I wasn't looking.
By your actions and words you shaped me,
And by your memories you will always be with me still.

I will miss you until my dying day, because it never will get easier.
It doesn't have to though, I know that now,
Because if it did get easier I would forget.
And I don't want to ever forget.

I hope from up above you see me now in who I am,
And that I am trying to do my best.
Raising my children, being there for them,
Creating a life even though I have little myself.

The next time we meet I will not think your immortal,
Rather I will know you will be only for as long as it's allowed.
I will not waste my chances again to be with you,
To tell you and show you who I am.

I miss you for everything.
I  miss that I can't hear your voice and laughter.
But there is something I miss above all,
Something I truly wish I could have just one more time.

What I miss most of all is quite simple.
The one thing that in the 28 years I had at your side,
The one thing I wish I could have just one more time is...
You.

IN MEMORY OF MY FATHER

Meyer 'Max' Millman
12/14/12 - 1/18/98