You Are Always On My Mind Chap 4

~~~~Chapter Four: Are We Really That Different After All?~~~~

Remus hadn't needed a torch to find the place he wanted to go, he knew exactly where it was he was headed. He had been to this particular tomb so often over the years that he knew it like the back of his hand by now. Why this tomb in particular over all the others in the Saqqara region enthraled him wasn't a mystery, at least to himself. He knew exactly why it did, even if the supposed 'experts' didn't always agree on what the hieroglyphics and wall paintings meant. He didn't care what the experts argued over, it was the slight peace of mind and the possibilities it brought to Remus's soul that mattered each time he came here.

Sitting down with his back against the wall of the offering chamber, he gazed silently up at the particular wall painting he'd come to look at. The picture had come as a shock to the 'experts' when they had first uncovered it, and they still sought to analyze its meaning till they were blue in the face. Remus however took it at face value, and what it meant in his mind and the sense of tranquility it offered him, or used to anyway, these days more than ever it was confusion not peace he got when thinking of the tomb.

He thought now it would be impossible to find tranquility here especially the way things were going as of late. The small row with his friends back in the tent hadn't help his mood at all, which was why he was here now searching again for the old feelings of security. He was so tired of how they harped on him to find a 'girlfriend' and 'be happy' as they put it, but as to his reasons for why he was tired of it all, well he wasn't about to tell another soul, at least not yet...even if his friends might understand.

Despite the fact he had tried to hide being a werewolf, Peter had caught on quickly to his little schemes. There were only so many 'family' members or sick 'friends' Remus could come up with each month for his disappearances, and Peter had been the one to suspect something wasn't right by the end of their first year. In the end, after Peter discussed it amongst Sirius and James at great length via owls over the Summer, they approached him for the truth on the train ride back to Hogwarts the next term. Remus had finally decided to throw caution to the winds and be completely honest with them by telling them what he really was.

He'd thought they would have been disgusted and abandon him, or worse tell everyone so he'd be expelled or something, but just the opposite happened. They became firmer friends then even before, and after doing some research they had concocted a way to become even closer. James, Sirius and Peter secretly began to work on a way to help their friend, and finally mastered the Animagus Transformation potion by fifth year. They told Remus they would have done it sooner but Peter was having a hard time and needed extra help to Remus's surprise because there was little Peter had trouble adapting to. He was just one of the those resiliant people who though not exceptional, was good enough in almost everything.

Once transformed into their various animal forms they were no danger to the werewolf, and it allowed the four of them to roam the lands of Hogwarts and Hogsmeade, the all wizarding village near the school, and have great adventures. Over all Remus couldn't have been happier with the way things had turned out. With his friends with him during transformations he found that the wolf within him became calmer, more human than wolf, and for the first time ever he felt he had a tiny bit of control over what he had become.

However these days things were vastly different between him and his friends. It's not that he cared for them any less, he certainly didn't. But in some things Remus just couldn't bring himself to tell them what he'd been feeling for quite sometime now. Why he felt ashamed of how he felt was all too obvious, anyone knowing his family life could understand why. His mum, loving as she was, still had high hopes for her only son to get past the stigmatisms someday and do something grand with his life, and his father...well that wasn't even an approachable issue at all. If his father treated him like he did for being a Gryffindor and a werewolf, he didn't want to even imagine what life would be like if his father ever found out the rest.

So as it was Remus Lupin was the holder of many 'secrets' in his life these days. Only his three Gryffindor friends and Severus Snape knew he was a werewolf at school, not even Lily Evans, James's full time girlfriend and Head Girl, knew the truth. The four Gryffindor boys had dubbed themselves the 'Marauders' years ago, pulling pranks and the other odd things teenage boys with overactive imaginations did, which included finding out everything they could about Hogwarts, it's students, and getting tons of detentions for what they did. Lily over the past few years had become like a fifth Marauder, despite her being a Head Girl, she had a playful side in her which was why she was so well suited for someone like James. However despite all that Remus still had sworn the others to secrecy for the moment, when he was ready he probably would tell her though.

As for Sirius Black...Remus didn't even know where to begin. Sirius embodied the word 'marauder', in fact it had been his idea for the name. A ladies man on all accounts, handsome beyond words, playful yet overwhelmingly charming when he needed to be, Sirius seemed to be beholden to no one. He dated when mood struck him, had girls fawning over him daily, and some even had tried to sneak into the boys dorm on occasion just to snog with him. Remus had a pretty good idea that Sirius bragged a lot more than he really 'did', but that was the way Sirius was, so Remus left it at that. However Remus had seen the darkness that lurked within Sirius Black sometimes, but that wasn't surprising given his background either.

James came from a family with generations of wealth and pure blood-lines, dating back to the founders themselves. For very good reason too as the Potter family was the last living descendants of Godric Gryffindor, a founder of Hogwarts. No one knew that though, somehow they did a good job keeping that fact hidden. It had only been on pure chance that when visiting James at his home during the summer a few years back that he and Sirius had found out. Remus and Sirius were told it was information that was passed down from father to son when the time was right, which is why no one knew the Potter's 'secret'. Remus didn't think Peter knew, or if he did know he never let on at any rate. James's father, though he didn't have to work, now and again did things for the Ministry of Magic just like his own father, but as to what it was Mr. Potter did James never discussed and Remus never deemed to ask.

Sirius's family however was the complete opposite end of the spectrum from the Potters. And old blood-line dating back over 800 years, but thick with dark wizards and witches. Sirius had been taken away from his family when he had just turned eight years old after they had been charged guilty as spies from during the time of the Grindelwald wars. Turned out they had been working with Grindelwald against Albus Dumbledore, and information had been brought to light to convict them and send them to Azkaban. They died two years ago in Azkaban after finally going mad from the Dementors, and Sirius could have cared less, or at least appeared not to though Remus knew it sometimes did weigh heavily on his friends mind.

Sirius had been raised after that as a surrogate brother to James. He had been taken in by the Potters after no one else seemed to want to take in a child from such a traitorous and dark-sided family, especially when Sirius already showed his magic to be dark and tainted at such a young age. The Potters must have seen something good within the child however, and took him under their wing, training him in the light magic with James. It really was strange how similar the two boys ended up, even in looks they were almost twins. Black haired, brown/black eyes and nearly the same temperaments, mischievousness and playfulness abounded within the two lads. To say that they were close would be an understatement, they were brothers in every sense of the word except by blood.

On Sirius's parents death he'd inherited quite a fortune, along with the family estate outside of Trallwng, Wales. Last Summer Sirius had spent most of it cleaning out the manor of the things left over from his parents that related to dark arts and the like. He had invited James, Remus and Peter to spend some time with him there this coming Summer for which Remus was looking forwards to. That was if his parents let him, he was pretty sure they would though. Most likely his parents would return to Britain as they did every Summer for a month, so Remus figured he would go during that time.

The only drawback with Sirius was that despite the fact he had been taken away from his parents whilst he was young and trained in the light magics, he had already spent too much time with them previous to have been subjected to more than his share of dark arts, and it still showed within him now and again. Sirius never spoke of those days before he'd come to James's home, but Remus had seen a side of Sirius that spoke volumes sometimes. Pain, agony, torture, and one thing Remus had learned over the years, anger. Sirius had been a very quick to anger child according to James, and as a teenager it was only getting worse. If you ever got Sirius Black that angry, you better hope you could run, and run swiftly, because if he caught up to you, death would look good.

Peter on the other hand came from a quite, unassuming family of light magic users. Peter had been the first in the family to go to Gryffindor, almost all of his family were Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and a few Squibs he had admitted reluctantly. Though a pure-blood, his queues only extended back round 200 years, and financially the Pettigrews were not by any means well off. Like all of the Marauders, Peter had been an only child and his parents had made no bones bout the fact that if he wanted to have things in his life he had to work for them. In a way, from Remus's point of view anyway, that only made Peter probably the most level headed of the group, though at times he would get ferociously teased for that as he had earlier by James.

As to Severus Snape, Remus really hadn't a clue what his backgrounds were, for all that he had learnt of the lad, which really was very little. Severus was by nature secretive and was very select on what he told Remus of his past. He only touched on general things, and almost never of his home life. Remus knew Severus was well schooled in dark arts, that he loved his potions, that he was into the mythical, and loved Egypt. Remus suspected however there were a lot of deeper issues if he were to examine them, and not just because Severus was a Slytherin. However, since Severus had been gracious enough to keep his secrets, Remus felt the need not to pry, which was why Severus had in his own way trusted him with the few things he had so far.

When Remus had first told his dorm mates that he was going to talk to Severus and ask his forgiveness for what happened he had been met with heavy opposition. They didn't approve of Severus as a whole, not even just because he was a Slytherin and in their words a 'slimy greasy haired git', but they disliked the boy for who he was. They had felt bad however that he had to have been the one who ended up nearly getting killed which is why the Marauders put up with him these days in the way they did, but back then they still didn't like Severus in the least, and didn't understand why Remus would want to talk to him. Of course tensions were still a bit thick between Sirius and Severus, probably always would be, but they could be civil in private and until tonight actually had been. When all was said and done though, Remus had chosen to ignore his friends outbursts, rows, and scowls and was grateful he had.

The true nature of what he shared with Severus had been kept secret from his friends, all they really thought was that Remus and Severus were 'study' partners and thankfully they had left it at that. Much as he needed his time with his Gryffindor friends, he also needed Severus's attentions, dry humour, wit, mood swings, silences and taunts strangely enough. A fact that would have added fuel to the fire if his dorm mates knew the truth of how close a friendship he really had with Severus these days. What Severus didn't know was that lately the friendship the two of them shared was being tested, at least on Remus's end.

Sitting here now looking up at the mural on the wall, Remus realised now exactly just how much their 'friendship' was being tested. When he had returned from Yule hols last year, again having come to this place in Egypt as his parents did every Winter, and saw Severus again after two weeks of being away from him, he made a startling realization in his own feelings. At first he had run from them, even avoiding Severus for a while, he had to for his own peace of mind.

Severus hadn't understood and surprisingly kept after Remus for an explanation. Remus ended up feeling more than guilty as he lied to Severus saying that he was just having a rough time, that he needed his 'space' for a little while. Thankfully Severus had left it at that, though Remus knew Severus had been hurt by the sudden 'rejection' even if he wasn't one to show it. Eventually Remus was able to bury the feelings and returned to their friendship which oddly enough grew even stronger then it had been, but he knew things between them, at least on his end, were going to be a lot more difficult.

He would never be able to tell Severus, nor anyone for that matter why he had changed the way he had since that Yule holiday. In the world he lived in  what he wanted...what he felt...was simply taboo. A sin. Something to be swept under the rug and ignored or shunned, especially in the type of family life Remus lived in. His choice was either live with the guilt of what he felt or reveal himself and have his father either disown him or plain out Avada Kedavra him on the spot. Remus of course chose to live with the guilt.

Irony comes in full circles though Remus thought now somewhat amusedly as he kept looking at the mural painting. It was here in this room, with this very mural, that his feelings had started, and where he knew now it had to end. His friends wouldn't understand him, he knew that, and so he had little choice in his decisions now. They would never let him rest until he got himself the girlfriend they wanted him to have, or the 'happiness' they thought he should have.

Leaning his head back against the cool surface of the tomb wall he closed his eyes and thought on all of this with a heavy heart. Being honest with himself he knew the feelings he'd tried so hard to bury since last year were only growing worse, and he wished there was even a faint hope that somehow things could be different. But it was a dreamers folly to wish for could never be and he knew that. To know how much he was going to have to give up after this night pained him, and he felt like he was being split into two people...the Remus Lupin that could have been, and the Remus Lupin that had to be.

In a tiny way he almost thought it might be worth his father finding out the truth because death seemed the only release from it all sometimes. But being the Gryffindor he was, he wasn't going to give into death that easily, even if living was going to come at a hefty price. Gryffindor's were noble, proud people which sometimes made Remus wonder how he'd ended up there instead of Slytherin in the first place. Most times Remus certainly did not feel very Gryffindorish, if anything he was more insecure and fearful, but he wasn't going to argue it when the hat though he belonged in Gryffindor that's for sure.

With a very audible sigh he wished for the billionth time that the world round him was less rigid and more understanding. However if the Muggle world was just barely tolerating people with his feelings, the wizarding world was the end of the queue. Sometimes he would even have dreams at night of another world in which the rules of this one didn't apply, and happiness didn't come at such a price. A world where he was content to be himself, and without the stigmas and judgements that surrounded him.

The wizarding world was far more tenth century in outlook than twentieth century in almost every way and means, and he had enough worries with the stigma of being a werewolf without adding in the rest. It was bad enough being a hunter of human prey one night a month and neither human nor animal the rest of month, tack in knowing that his father was indeed right in telling him over and over what he was in for as an adult. The persecutions, fears and hatreds he would have to deal with just being the wolf made him physically cringe when he thought how much worse that would get if he revealed what he felt. Whoever had quoted the saying 'Cie la vie' had been spot on, and must have had Remus Joseph Lupin in mind.

No, when all was said and done, Remus had to end what he felt here and now, no question there. He made a vow to himself now he wouldn't return to this tomb again, it would hold too many painful memories of what should and could have been. He would turn off his emotions from now on, doing what the others wanted of him instead. At the cost of his own happiness he would try to forgot his true feelings, and especially his feelings towards a certain Slytherin, whom he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt would never feel that way in return.

'I knew I'd find you here,' a quiet voice said from the doorway, cutting into his thoughts.

Remus opened his eyes startled, he hadn't thought anyone was awake when he had left the tent or at least would notice he'd left, least of all the particular person he'd just been thinking of the most. 'S-Severus? Wh-what are you doing here?' he managed to stammer.

'I saw you get up and leave. When you didn't come back I figured you weren't just out to use the loo,' Severus shrugged and walked into the chamber.

'I didn't wake you did I? I'd hoped no one would have noticed that I'd gone,' said Remus dejectedly and with a sigh leaned his head back against the tomb wall again.

Severus shook his head and came over to sit down next to Remus on the floor. 'No, you didn't wake me. Couldn't sleep myself. What's wrong?' he asked.

'Nothing....why would you think anything's wrong?' Remus asked back turning towards Severus. Even with only the single flame torch that was the lighting source in the room he could see a strange look on Severus's face and he didn't even want to fathom what it could mean.

'Don't give me that Remus, I know you too well by now. I might have to play our pretending games when we're with the others or at school, but when it's just us...I know you. So what is it?' Severus asked focusing his cool black eyed gaze on Remus's eyes.

Remus shook his head and turned away, wrapping his overcoat round him tightly. 'It's nothing, really Severus. Just thinking that's all,' he said quietly. Putting his hand into the pocket of his overcoat he pulled out something now and held it hesitantly. Holding it out towards his friend he smiled a little bit and said, 'Here.'

Severus looked at Remus curiously but took the small green and silver wrapped box. 'What's this?'

Remus grinned and rolled his eyes. 'A present, what does it look like you git? I didn't want to give it to you with the others round considering they don't know that you don't celebrate Yule any more. Since you're here though...figure now's the time.'

Severus stared at the gift a moment, a warm feeling running through him, then he chuckled slightly. 'Can you imagine what they would say if they knew though?'

Remus laughed and nodded his head. 'They probably wouldn't even know what it was anyway. Anyway...Happy Channukkah Sev,' he said and leaned over and for the first time ever gave Severus a quick hug, though he pulled back quickly.

Severus felt strange at the hug, never having received one before in his life. His parents were cold people and did not do such things as hugging or nonsense like that. He liked the feeling that the hug gave him though, or maybe it was just because Remus had been the one to hug him, he wasn't sure. Smiling slightly at his friend he said softly, 'Thanks Re. I'd forgotten the first night of Chanukkah was tonight as caught up in things as we were.'

Remus snorted then and shook his head with a groan. 'They'll never let me be, why I bother is beyond me at this point. Ah well, are you going to just stare at it or open it?' he said now with a slight blush.

Severus grinned and then pulled on the silver ribbon that tied up the box. Opening it up his breath caught in his throat as he saw what lay within. Gently he pulled out the golden chain with the charm on it, awe in his eyes. 'Oh Remus...it's...it's beautiful. When...wherever did you get it?' he said a bit stunned.

Remus smiled secretively. 'The first day we got here actually. I'd been searching for the right gift for ages now, but I knew I'd never find it in the wizarding world. Remember when we went to that Muggle marketplace in Cairo and we all split up for about an hour or so to explore things? Well I didn't exactly go 'exploring' like I said I did, considering I'd been there hundreds of times. I'd seen the necklace at the jewelry stall as soon as we got there and I knew it would be just perfect for you. When you told me you had converted during last Summer I thought...well...that you'd like it. If you don't that's all right, I'll understand considering it is supposed to be a secret and all...' he said hesitantly now.

Severus shook his head and held the necklace gently in the palm of his hand. 'Oh no, Re, I love it, really I do! I just...well you know how it is, most wouldn't understand why I did it considering my parents and everything,' he said with a sigh.

Remus nodded. 'Believe me, Sev, I know all too well what that's like,' he muttered.

'That's just because people don't know you, Re. If they did they wouldn't judge you so harshly,' Severus said firmly.

Remus softly smiled back at his friend. 'Thanks. Anyways there's an inscription on the back of it too.'

Severus turned the charm over and looked at the words that were etched in the original Hebrew letters. "S. - Ani v'atah n'shaneh et ha'olam - R." Severus translated the Hebrew words in his mind then half whispered more to himself, 'You and I will change the world....'

Remus blushed a bit then turned his gaze down to the hands now tightly clasped in his lap. 'I know, it's bit silly really to think that considering we're just two wizards on the wrong side of life but...well...I figured it was a nice dream anyway...' he said softly, not daring to look up.

'A good dream though, Re. Who knows...maybe one day we can change the world,' Severus said quietly, then before he could stop himself he leaned over and hugged his friend again, only this time he let it linger a bit longer then last time. Breaking apart he looked away from Remus, afraid of how good that hug really felt to him, or maybe it was more that he was afraid of the feelings that hug gave him again. Occupying himself he put the necklace on now, displaying it outside his collar with a bit of pride. He didn't care what anyone else would say or think anymore, this was who he was now. 'Thank you Re, I really do love it. It's the best gift I've ever gotten, and I'll wear it proudly,' he said with a smile now.

Remus looked back up at his friend, a strange glitter in his eyes that looked suspiciously like tears almost. 'Really? I hoped you would like but....well...I'm just glad you do,' he said hesitantly.

'I do. I have wanted a Magen David since I converted, but never had the time to get one. You know how careful I have to be when I do go into Muggle London,' Severus said with a slight sigh.

'I know, that's why I wanted to get it for you. By the by, thanks again for your gift, I adore it,' Remus said now and put his hand subconsciously to his own neck where a golden chain with a charm of a golden ram was nestled. The ram was one of the symbols of the ancient Egyptian god Amun, 'The Hidden One', and Severus had felt it was perfect for Remus. Not just because Remus was born under the sign of the Ram, his birthday being at the end of March and an Ares zodiac sign, but the Ram represented the god who personified 'hidden in aspect, mysterious in form.' Remus was certainly all of that in Severus's eyes, hiding the wolf yet that very wolfish side of him is what made him so mysterious.

Amun was also classified as 'asha renu' which meant 'rich in names', and Remus Lupin had certainly been aptly named for who and what he was. In mythology Remus and Romulus were twin children abandoned at birth and left in the forest to die, only to end up being raised oddly enough by a wolf pack. His last name Lupin of course so similar to Lupine, the French word for 'wolf' only added to the equation. In fact it had surprised Severus that all the years he'd known Remus Lupin until that night he never added things up sooner. Once he knew about Remus though it was as if a giant light bulb came on and everything fell into place. Remus was perhaps the most aptly born and named person Severus had ever met.

'I'm glad you like it Re, I figured it was just right for you too,' Severus said now with a smile.

Remus nodded and chuckled a bit. 'So true, and I will cherish it, Sev, always. Amun has always been my favourite deity, not surprisingly,' he grinned. 'Actually, like you, it is the best gift I have ever received, and I really thank you for it.'

'You deserve it, Re. I can't believe how hard it must be on you now that I've met your parents and all. I thought mine were bad, but your father has no right to treat you the way he does. I felt like punching him for saying those things to you,' Severus scowled now.

Remus shook his head sadly and sighed again. 'I gave up long ago trying to change the way things are with him and I, Sev. It's never going to change, I know that now.' Unconsciously he now settled his gaze back towards the mural, pensive for a moment. After a moments reflection he said quietly, 'I wonder what life was like for them all those years ago. Were they feared or hated? Stigmatised or persecuted? Or were they accepted and allowed to live the life they wanted?'

Severus looked up at the mural and thought for a moment before answering. 'I don't know, no one does I suppose. In the end it worked out though for them didn't it? They got what they wanted in the end...to be together.'

'Did they? I suppose in death they were finally able to live the life they may have not had whilst on earth. I wonder if that's not the answer sometimes,' said Remus with a strange tone in his voice.

Severus turned and gave Remus a sharp look before replying. 'Death isn't an answer Remus, you know that better than anyone. One's Khat is sacred, to destroy it is just a cowards escape.'

'It's still an easier escape in death or in being a coward sometimes then to look life square in the face and live with its consequences,' Remus said bitterly then turned back to look at Severus.

'No Remus, it isn't easier, it's just pure foolishness. Life is what you make it, not what those gits you call friends nor anyone else tells you it should be. Why do you think I converted to what I did? Not just to be different, but because I believed in what the ancient Hebrews found as truth. Because I needed to follow that way of thinking to stay sane amidst the madness we face daily as who we are,' said Severus firmly.

'Oh Sev, I know, I've read the ancient texts too remember? Took me a bit to master reading Hebrew and Yiddish, it was pretty odd after growing up speaking Arabic, but I did thanks to you. It's not that I don't believe in what they taught, in how they viewed life, I do...but I'm still scared to really believe that it could be a way to find peace. I don't know what that is. I know that the others want me to be happy like they are, but they don't know I can't do that. I just wish....' Remus said hesitantly.

'Wish what, Re?' Severus asked quietly.

Remus shook his head and again turned back to face the mural with a sigh. 'Nothing Sev, it's really nothing. I just get fed up with it all sometimes I guess.'

'Then tell them to sod off and leave you alone. I've gotten to know you, or at least I hope I have, and if you want the truth I don't like everything I'm starting to see from you lately,' Severus said with a slight frown.

'Oh really. And what exactly is it that you're seeing from me, Severus?' Remus asked dully.

'You want the full list or the abbreviated version?' Severus joked mildly trying to lighten the mood a touch.

Apparently that did work as Remus chuckled slightly and half grinned. Whichever you want to tell me I guess...'

'All right then, you want to hear truth, I'll give you some truth. You're becoming broody, temperamental and withdrawn for starters. You're throwing yourself into doing work that isn't needed for months yet rather then spending time with your friends, even me you've halfway avoid at times lately, though I haven't said anything on it this time round. And don't think I haven't noticed how often you're up in the library alone rather than out by the Quidditch pitch watching Potter and Black practice. You barely touch what little food you do manage to consume, and you're losing weight. Want me to go on because I can...' Severus said in a strange voice.

Remus could only stare at Severus whilst he had been talking. It astonished him that Severus had noticed these things about himself, and a tiny glittering of a very strange feeling he wanted to call hope seemed to worm it's way through his body. But then a bucket of ice cold water came over him and he realised that Severus wasn't saying these things in any other way most likely then just matter of fact statement. Friend to friend.

Turning his gaze away he pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms round them, thinking a moment on all that. His thoughts were racing but what he wanted to say didn't exactly come out the way he intended. 'Why would you care what I'm going through Sev? It's not your concern...' he said instead in a flat voice.

Severus made a snorting type noise. 'It damn well is my concern. Not that I've ever had a 'friend' other than yourself Remus, but I am aware of what that definition means. I thought friends were supposed to notice things like that, or am I wrong in thinking we are friends? Considering those Gryffindor oafs haven't noticed apparently, I'm beginning to redefine what that word does mean after all,' he said scowling slightly.

'Don't judge them harshly, Severus. They have a lot of things going on in their lives right now, you can hardly blame them for 'noticing' what the poor little werewolf is going through. That is...if I was going through anything I mean,' said Remus a bit defensively.

'Oh for the love of Salazar....you are impossible sometimes, Remus Joseph Lupin! I'm not blind nor stupid incase you didn't realize by now, and personally since those gits you call friends haven't seen what's been going on, it just proves to me how fickle they really are in their 'friendship',' he said exasperated.

'That's not true Sev and you know it. They are my friends, and they do care for me...otherwise they wouldn't be trying so hard to make me...happy. They're not fickle...just...busy...being...happy...' said Remus, though the sadness was clearly in his voice.

'You're completely wrong. They're not trying to make you 'happy' Remus, they're trying to get you to conform to their idea of 'happiness'. They want you to feel what they want you to feel, be who they want you to be. Even dating who they want you to date. When are you going to stop listening to them and make your own stand for what you want? When are you going to stop taking the cowards way out and stop conforming to their wishes?' Severus said accusingly.

Even though Remus knew Severus was right in pretty much everything he was saying, Remus couldn't bring himself to tell Severus the truth as to why he was doing this way. 'I'm not,' said Remus quietly.

'Implying not as to what?' Severus asked.

'I'm not taking the cowards way out, not really. Come off it Sev, look at who...what I am. I have to run, to 'conform' as you put it. Perhaps my dad was right about me after all....' Remus said in a hard voice.

'What the bloody hell does that mean?' Severus asked angrily.

'He told me once that I could never escape the dark that was within me being what I am, as well as his son. That to pretend to be anything less was only going to cause me even more pain and suffering then I am already enduring. That if I knew what was good for me I would embrace the darkness and use it to my advantage. To give up the silly notions that I was even worthy enough to be good, let alone a Gryffindor,' said Remus in a steely voice.

Now it was Severus's turn to stare at Remus. 'You think....that because you're a werewolf....because of your father's blood....that the dark is all you have? I thought you better then that Remus, I really did. And no offence but...your father...is a complete moron for telling you that,' he said muttering.

Remus chuckled and smiled fully at Severus. 'How is it you can do that, Sev?'

'Do what, Re?' Severus asked puzzled.

'Make me smile and feel better about myself when I really want to feel sorry for myself or worse. Siri is way off on the mark with Slytherins....or at least with you by the by,' he said with a grin.

'Oh really? Well I do try to do my part when I can,' Severus said grinning himself now. 'What was Black so off on?'

'All of it really but mainly the charm part. Far as I see it...you have plenty of that particular skill,' said Remus almost coyly.

Severus rolled his eyes and shook his head with a slight groan, then turned to Remus and laughed. 'Of course you wouldn't dare let Black or the others know that. You want to go and ruin a perfectly good reputation?' Severus said mockingly.

Remus laughed and nudged Severus lightly in the ribs with his elbow. 'One that you don't deserve in the least if you ask me.'

'I suppose that falls under our earlier argument of being coward eh? Pretending is in it's own way, just as cowardly,' Severus said thoughtfully.

Remus shook his head. 'No, it's not really when you think bout it. And if you want the truth...I'm...sort of...glad...the others.....don't know this side of you. I might even get...oh I don't know...jealous...maybe...if they did. They might err...well you know...try to monopolise you or something...' said Remus a bit hesitantly. He knew he was pushing the limits here but at the moment somehow he didn't really care.

Severus turned to face Remus and ask him what that meant, but as he turned and his black eyes met Remus golden brown ones everything he was going to say seemed to float right away from him. It was as if they both became mesmerised by each others gaze, unable to pull away from the glowing depths full of the mysteries that made up who they were, what their dreams were, and what they wanted from life.

How long the two of them sat there lost within each others eyes they didn't know until finally Severus broke the silence. In a strange husky, silky voice Remus had never heard from his friend Severus said, 'Remus....I....'

The moment was broken however when out of nowhere a voice said, 'Here you two are! I was looking everywhere for you....figures this is where you'd be. I've been searching for over half an hour now, I knew I should have checked here first...'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 'magen david' (and forgive me if I spelt it wrong I usually only 'hear' it phonetically and 'see' the words in Hebrew or Yiddish) is the Hebrew/Yiddish name for a Jewish star. I already told you all that I normally do not bring religion into a fic, but this fic isn't normal by any means, and I'm experimenting with delving into using it due to an FA discussion I'm in midst of. I hope it will not bother anyone however that I am using different aspects and tones of religions in this way...

When I refered to a 'torch' at the beginning of the chap, I am of course meaning a 'flashlight' to those unfamiliar with the British meaning. It wasn't the type of 'torch' that is flames so wanted to clear that up.

From last chapter: 'Naff off' for those that don't know means err...basically F-off. Hopefully the rest of the words you got, I see now in the read through I slipped back into using more Brit than I have in a while causing I'm not feeling well. Expect that of me when I'm ill if you don't already :chuckle: Cussing by and large amongst friends is somewhat done, however you would never say words like bloody, prat, berk, twit, git, etc in front of your teachers, parents or in public. To do so would either get you detention, or a heck of a talking to by your mum or da, trust me on this one. It may sound like we Brits on a whole cuss like banshees, and honestly we do sometimes, but we also know when, where and to whom not to say such things. Still amazes me how Ron got away without a detention or sharp word from Minerva when he cussed in the film...an eleven year old could never get away with that in me day! :P

The inscription words actually come from a song called Ani V'atah, and it's a very heartfelt song. I don't for sure if it was round back in the 70's, however the words themselves were, and I felt they were perfect for what I wanted.

Amun, also known as Amen, Amon, or Imen was an actual deity from ancient times. Everything I described as to the information about him, along with a bit more I didn't because I pretty much only wanted to use the info pertaining to the plot, is factual. For more information on the gods, goddess and a whole wealth of ancient Egyptian information please visit: http://www.philae.nu/akhet/  it's a wonderful site and those interested will enjoy it :)