ONLY IF

“Don’t forget those points you learned during the orientation, Howard,” Greg Gamblin, the manager said, as he pushed Howard B. Humble toward his first customer inside the spiffy-clean, plush-perfect showroom of Harvey Hurricane’s Acura and Honda. “Remember Harvey’s wise words. It is the salesman who buys the buying customer.”

Howard straightened his red polyester tie with navy polka dots and walked toward the man with long, gray hair and black mustache, wearing a green plaid outfit.

“Welcome to our showroom. How may I help you, sir?” Howard offered his hand.

Taking a step back, the man growled, “I don’t shake hands. I shake fingers. Like this.”

Howard watched the man touch his fingertips to his outstretched hand. “Very original, sir, I admire originality.”

“So do I, mister, so do I.”

“My name’s is Howard, Sir. Howard B. Humble. May I have your name, please?”

“No, you may not. My name is mine. Don’t you take it! People know me as Daniel Dimmitt.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Dimmitt.”

“It is Dr. Dimmitt, psychologist. I am looking for an Acura sedan which is larger inside than what some people have.”

“Dr. Dimmitt, sir, May I show you this MDX? It is an SUV wide model.”

“Pay attention, young man. I said large inside, not wide. I need the outside narrow, inside large.”

Like a woman looking for shoes, Howard thought.

“Its fenders are bulging,” Dimmitt commented.

“We have a beige slick- looking sedan over at the other end of our gallery, sir. If you please step this way. . .”

“No,” the customer leaned toward Howard as to impress him with a disclosure. “I said bulging. Like the sides of a truck. It was a compliment.”

“Yes, thank you, Dr. Dimmitt.” Howard started reciting what he had memorized the night before. “MDX is a slick working 4X4. Very fast. 240 Horsepower, electronically controlled. V-6 Engine.”

“I want a V-8. I always drink V-8.”

“Very funny and clever, sir.” Howard forced a laugh. “Dr. Dimmitt, please observe the leather upholstery, front and rear climate control…”

“Nobody can control the climate. Some blabbering! I don’t believe that.”

Howard grinned and went on, “Here are the locks, mirrors, heated front seats. . .”

“I’ll be using it in Florida. What are trying to do to me with heated seats?”

“It is an option, sir. You don’t have to turn it on.”

“I have to. If the seat isn’t there, where am I going to sit?”

“The seat will be there, sir, whether it is heated or not.”

“Didn’t you say heated seats?”

“To repeat myself, sir, it is an option. You control it.”

“Of course I’d want to control it. If you took the heater from inside it.”

“Will do, sir. We’ll tell the service to kill it. Now, Dr. Dimmitt, this model comes with Michelin tires and roof rack. If you’d prefer we could order the model with the moon roof.”

“Moon roof? What kind of gobbledygook is that! What happens when you drive during daytime? How will the moon come through then?”

“Clever, sir, clever. Instead of the rack there is a skylight type of opening in our moon-roof model.”

Dr. Dimmit lunged himself at Howard without the slightest warning. “Is it easy to drive?”

“Very easy, Dr. Dimmitt. Automatic transmission, brakes, perfect!”

“You mean the automatic transmission breaks.”

“Let me make myself clear, Sir. The brakes are automatic. The transmission is automatic also.”

“Then, what does the driver do? Just sit there?”

“You said it. Practically. Look at this state of the art steering wheel. Tilt-adjustable.”

“Do you mean by tilting it you can make the car go right and left?”

“Just to turn the wheel will do that, Dr. Dimmitt. The tilt adjusts to the position you prefer to sit.”

“What if I preferred to sit in the back?”

“You’d want to be in the front seat, sir, if you want to adjust the stereo or the fog lights.”

“Does it have fog horns too?”

“No, sir,” Howard wiped his brow. “But the inside rear-view mirror dims.”

“What! Mirrors have to be bright so they can show.”

Howard was getting exasperated. “Dr. Dimmitt, I could show you another model, if you wish.”

“No, no thanks. You have been very helpful. I like this one. It looks like a van.”

“This model is loosely based on Odyssey minivan, sir. Would you like to test drive it?”

“Sure. Only if you teach me how to drive.”