Letter To Nana.

~~LETTER TO NANA~~

Dear Nana,
I'm writing this because I have to say some things I never said to you when you were alive.
I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and the day that you passed away was the worst day of my life.

Many horrible things have happened to me since that day, and I'm sure wherever you are, you know everything.
When those things were happening, I wanted you to be there for me to talk to and ask what to do, but I couldn't.
I felt what you would have done, though, and I tried my best to do it.

Everything changed when you passed away. I've been depressed more, not knowing what to do with my life. I'm not one of those suicidal people, but a couple of times, I've wished I could be with you, if only for an hour to talk to you.

I feel so guilty about only being to your grave once. Once in almost two years isn't good enough. It's not that I don't WANT to go, it upset me terribly, but Mum won't take me. She doesn't go much herself, but I want to go one day by myself and talk to you, but there's no chance of that happening soon. I have no way of getting there on my own.

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you, and all you've done for me in my life. All the advice you gave me, all the funny stories you told me, that made me laugh like crazy and the way you loved me whatever I did.

I'm sorry I wasn't in the room when you passed away. I was in shock. I knew what was happening, but it wasn't until you were gone that I realized that I'd never see you again. Well, for a long time.
I don't know if that dream I had was really you telling me where you were, but I like to believe that it was.
A couple of weeks after you passed, I started having horrible dreams about you. In one, I told you not to try and contact me, but as you know, I was dreaming, and I didn't know what I was saying.
As you also know, I'm into all the spiritual things, and I DO believe you can contact me if you want to. Shirley wants to buy a Ouija boared, but I don't want you to contact me that way. It's dangerous. Just a sign now and then to tell me that you're watching over me would help a lot.

I also want you to know that you were and still are my role model. If I'm even half as good as you when I'm older, I'll be happy.
You never complained, not once and I knew you were in a lot of pain. I'm always complaining, and I'm trying to be more like you. I know I haven't been good lately, but I can't help it. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm only truly happy when I'm writing, and I can't very well do that 24/7, can I?
I want you to know that I'm sorry for EVER being reluctant to visit you in hospital. I admit, yes, ONCE I was. And I feel VERY guilty about it. I'm a SELFISH person, and I'm very, VERY sorry for it. Please forgive me.

I love you so very much that it really upsets me to think that I won't hear your voice again.

I love you so much, and every day I miss you terribly.

Love now and forever,
Sarah.

**Author's Notes**
My Grandmother passed away almost two years ago. I felt I had to write this.