Pouring Rain

          I used to believe it was so simple to be content with life, and I didn't even have to lift a finger for everything to go my way.
          Now I know better. Now I know you have to work for things if you want them. But if I've never done it, how in the world do I know where to begin? How will I know if it's worth fighting for? Know if he's worth fighting for?
          I don't want to think about him, but undoubtedly, I will. I can't help it. I want to block it all out - all of it - just like I have been ever since I met him. I can keep being miserable, trying to be content, pretending I am something I am not. Happy. Me and my shut up heart, always afraid to rock the boat or defy convention or even think about answering the ubiquitous 'what if'. If I can keep pretending to be happy then maybe I really will be. I mean, it's not that I am legitimately unhappy - not really. I am happy. I have a good life, a good job, lots of friends. But I don't have him - and I don't have him because I refuse to do anything that might shock anyone, even if only slightly. And that makes me unhappy.
          So I am doomed to bad, unsatisfying date after bad, unsatisfying date, or else I will be the type who stays in every Saturday night, watching the WE channel and eating rocky road ice cream. Oh God. I don't want to be that person! I want to listen to the Clash and shock everyone and not care what they think, like a kid I remember from high school who I always secretly wanted to be like. But I do care, and he thinks I don't. Or, really, he knows that I care what everyone thinks and he assumes that means I don't care what he thinks, and that just isn't true.
          I want to make everyone happy but I can't do that for much longer.
          I hate being indecisive. I hate putting others' opinions in front of my own.
          Just one time in my life, I want to find the strength I know I have somewhere so I can do what's right for me. But - hah. Like that's so uncomplicated or something.
          I am scared, and I have to do this alone.
          Granted, I admire him greatly. But I've never had to tell a guy something like that. They have always told me and for that, I am jaded.
          Days pass, and I am still stuck, deliberating. Before I know it, it's after Jill's party, the one I have been looking forward to for weeks. Everyone is there. I walk outside to go home after a long evening and notice it is raining. So, like I always have, I wait under the overhang and hope someone with an umbrella will come along.
          No umbrellas. But, soon, I hear a familiar voice.
          "Caite. Hi. I didn't even see you inside."
          It's him. Great. What can I say? Yes, I saw you but I avoided you like the plague because I really like you but don't know how to tell you...? Yeah right. How very mature. "It was a big party," I finally reply.
          "Yeah." Silence. "So, how have you been?"
          "Good. Good. Busy with work. You?"
          "Oh, you know. Same old stuff, mostly."
          No, I don't know. But I want to...So, can I take you out for coffee? I imagine myself saying in the take-charge voice I've always wished I had. But, instead, I only smile awkwardly, hoping he will be the one to ask.
          "Well, I've got to get going," he says after a moment. It almost sounds like he doesn't really want to go. But perhaps I'm imagining things.
          People all around us are dashing out into the rain, laughing gleefully.
          "Oh," I say. "Alright."
          "I'll see you around?"
          "Sure. See you around."
          He smiles, and with a backward wave, runs from underneath the protective overhang.
          Coward, I tell myself - not so much angry as disappointed. Coward.
          I sigh heavily.
          "Penny for your thoughts?"
          I turn around and see Jill's boyfriend behind me on the porch.
          "Oh, it's nothing, Tyler. Just a rough day."
          "Waiting for someone?"
          "Not anymore."
          He looks at me peculiarly, then asks, "Well, can I walk you to your car? I'm on my way out, too." He holds up an umbrella.
          I grin. "That would be great."
          "Some night, huh?" he chuckles as rain streams in rivulets off the top of the umbrella. "The weatherman said no rain all week."
          "Since when has anyone ever paid attention to the weatherman?" I quip lamely as we reach my car. "Well, thanks."
          He nods. "Bye, Caite."
          "Bye."
          Once in my car, the rain pounding mutedly on the roof almost makes me feel safe. On the way home, I have time to think.
          Maybe one day I will rock the boat.
          Maybe one day I will defy convention and shock my friends by...by going to Paraguay or something just because I can.
          Maybe one day I will.
          But, for now, I am stuck being simply content with my life - and I have discovered that's what I truly am - content. At least for now.
          And if I am content, what else do I need to do? What else can I do? Probably plenty. And I want to change; I do. But I cannot do everything today. Perhaps it took letting him slip away for me to come to these realizations.
          Admittedly, I am still scared. Who knows? Could be that's a good thing.
          That night, I have a dream. It is raining, and there I am in the middle of it all. Laughing. No umbrella, of course.
          I wake up in the quiet stillness of night and wonder silently if I have failed him. I certainly hope I haven't. Because I know undoubtedly that I haven't failed myself.