Scores of Middle Earth

My cronies and I bought that LotR game with all the models and stuff, and although we cannot eat for a week because of the money we spent on it, it's still fun. Here is my account of what happens during our games. I have omitted games one and two because of space issues, and because they're not as funny.

Lord of the Rings Role-Playing Game Journal: Scores/Notes of Middle Earth
In which the mayhem of three player’s battles against one another is documented for the amusement of...well...whoever finds it funny.
NARRATED BY SPIKE DAFT, OFFICIAL RECORDER
Please note that herein the sides of each person goes as follows: Dave-O as the evil army of goblins, the cave troll, and a Nazgul; and Liam and Spike as the Elven Army with Fladnag, stand-in for Gandalf, whom at present we cannot afford.


Scores of Middle Earth: Game Three
WINNER: Liam
Notes:
 Setting up armies takes forever when you’re not involved.
 I have the Hawaii 5-0 song stuck in my head, thanks to Liam. Bastard.
 Dave-O is a klutz. Seriously.
 According to Liam, Dave-O can lick his ass. Whatever.
 END OF TURN ONE
 Liam’s Jedi powers don’t work on the dice.
 I’m hungry.
 END OF TURN TWO
 Some of our Elves are cowards!
 Liam has blue...dice...quite often.
 Dave-O practices mercy regarding combat turns. Ulterior motives?....
 "Sorcerer’s Blast" (Fladnag’s attack, borrowed from Gandalf) sounds like it might stink.
 Don’t hit me!
 A vanquished Elf is keeping me company. He’s not a very good conversationalist.
 Two more Elves join me. They are also mute, the snobbish gits. Oops...time to turn the page...
 "Scrogular"- Liam. Heh.
 Dave-O seems to think he can make it six inches. Heh.
 Said Elves, plus one, have taken up residence on my shoe. Perhaps they are doubting whether there really is a Heaven.
 My shoe quickly becomes overpopulated, but I think Liam’s still winning.
 Maybe not.
 The tape measure wreaks havoc on the goblin forces. Much laughter ensues, except from Dave-O, who doesn’t seem to find it funny.
 END OF TURN THREE (Yea verily)
 The vanquished Elves are bored in the afterlife and decide to form a fraternity. They gather in a circle and.... I do not wish to think about that anymore...
 END OF TURN FOUR
 Liam initiates a discrepancy as to whether or not turn four really ended. He relents, hopefully unlike our army.
 Fladnag is backed up against the wall of the citadel by the cave troll. Sexy havoc ensues, and Fladnag perishes stickily. Eeew. He is not permitted to join the Elves’ fraternity, as they are prejudice against cave troll-sexuals. Conservative prats! But I love them anyway...
 FOOD BREAK
 Courage deserts three of our Elves. Maybe it’s our horrid stuffing-breath.
 Speaking of stuffing, army leader Liam cannot move to shift his own men.
 The ghost of Fladnag cannot fight.
 Another courage test ensues, and one Elf runs like a pansy, leaving his little black base behind. Yep. Definitely the breath.
 Army leader Liam defiles the pure name of the Elves ("Fuckin’ Elves!")! Our future looks grim...
 Aha- courage test for goblin army. Results (tee hee, I typed "resluts" at first): cave troll flees six inches, along with eight wussy goblins.
 Army commander Liam calls the goblins "bitches", thus severing any chance of a future Middle-Earth U.N. peace treaty.
 First archer of Elven army is slaughtered. He will not be hazed at the frat.
 Dave-O is accused of touching himself.
 END OF TURN FIVE
 Liam delivers news of foreign lands using his ass. A south wind brings us foul news, and the army loses heart (except the Elf-frat, who currently indulge themselves in a massive, fair-haired, blue-eyed orgy: Hitler’s wet dream).
 Goblin courage test: seven goblins wet their pants and the cave troll, smelling urine, becomes enraged and turns to fight again.
 Clear line of sight discrepancy results in Liam’s favour. He farts with joy. I again find myself blaming the stuffing.
 END OF TURN SIX
 Cave troll runs back and forth like an idiot. The ghost of Fladnag mocks him.
 More goblins retreat and more urine produced. The cave troll’s olfactory cavities are outraged, and so is he.
 Goblins fall off the mountain just before Liam’s acoustic version of the Horn of Gondor issues from the South (again, bringing foul tidings).
 I am curious to know who is the son of a bitch to whom Dave-keeps referring every time he rolls the dice.
 Another archer killed. He too will not be hazed, simply because I favour archers.
 I am startled by ominous thunder, only to discover that it is only Liam’s mouth-gas. The game continues without further such incidents (hopefully).
 First Elven victory of the hour: a little Moria goblin bites the carpet (because we’re too poor for a proper landscape).
 The ghost of Fladnag appears on the battlefield! I remind the players that he cannot fight.
 Goblins apparently pass gas when they retreat, as is what I gather from Dave-O’s sound effects.
 Dave-O wants me to make note of the very brave goblin who won’t retreat, but I refuse because it’s just a stupid goblin. Wait...
 The remaining Elves plot to shoot the cave troll in the crotch. The cave troll doesn’t seem to care.
 The flying corpse of an Elf destroys the frat: havoc ensues. I fear we may have to clean the carpet.
 Liam makes a rude comment concerning his knee. I will not repeat it here, for the sake of the reader and myself.
 END OF TURN SEVEN
 Dice suddenly fly as the two army leaders clash in an unspecified discrepancy, during which Dave-O "bends his Wookie".
 Herein follows a surprisingly logical discussion about Dave-O’s crabs. May I remind the reader that I am not involved in any of this.
 END OF TURN EIGHT
 A dice plunges into the frat’s orgy. They don’t appear to notice.
 Dice fly again and the cave troll retreats.
 Two goblins are lost in Dave-O’s nether regions, and are understandably presumed dead and out of the game.
 The dice bounces off the ghost of Fladnag, still in the battlefield for some reason, causing yet another discrepancy.
 Three of our Elves remain.
 END OF TURN NINE
 END OF TURN TEN
 Liam proposes that we use a Gandalf bookmark to represent the wizard, because, as mentioned, we are too poor to buy him just yet. Following an argument in which Liam insists that the glare on the bookmark is some kind of attack, the idea is rejected.
 END OF TURN ELEVEN
 Dave-O and I argue as to whether or not the cave troll can fit through the citadel door. We concede that he ducks, but I’m not happy. For that Liam’s archers wound the troll.
 END OF TURN TWELVE
 Dave-O makes stupid troll sound effects. I think I hate him.
 Especially because our Elves are losing.
 END OF TURN THIRTEEN
 Dave-O’s army of four retreats a little.
 We lose one Elf to cowardice. No orgy for him.
 NOTE: the author has just realised that Liam wears ankle socks. I’ll be damned.
 Cave troll is defeated! Liam spanks himself in victory.
 END OF TURN FOURTEEN
 We are outnumbered 3/2. Goblins retreat slightly and I have the sudden urge to go to Denny’s.
 Dave-O recalls the coolness of "The Brave Little Toaster". That was such a cool movie. At least, it was when I was five.
 I discover the identity of the son of a bitch to whom Dave-O keeps referring. It’s Liam.
 2/2 now. Hope blossoms, and my allergies act up.
 One stinky orc remains, the sad memory of a once vast horde of...stinky orcs.
 Dave-O is defeated!! The two remaining Elves resurrect the others for a pudding-party. Retreating Elf claims he was "just covering the other guy’s back".
 According to the manual, a Liam by any other name still receives the ceremonial victor-beating with the cord of the household iron. I begin to suspect Dave-O’s interpretation of the manual.
 I am consulted in the matter of Dave-O vs. Liam concerning said beating. My judgement: nay! Dave-O is overruled because I hate him.