Whine & Cheese Co. Letters No 2

LETTERS OF COMPLAINT

Here are the letters of complaint folks have written to the Customer Care Department of The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc and the response the staff have written back.

Hope you enjoy the banter.
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16. Dear Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. C.C.D.

I just have to give a whine. some insane geeks have stolen my plans of taking over the world. blix*en took my idea of being abducted and so did #$cutie*pie$#. Does anyone know where I can get a lawyer to sue them again. So I've decided to mearly take over the universe. I just need to find some sort of explosive device to set on the south pole to make the whole bottom half of the world blow up so that half the living creatures don't get in my way. MUAHAHAHA!!! Except I will leave the north pole there because that way santa can buy my a new space ship to patrol my universe and make an army of aliens. Now I have to do twice as much work. Curse you copier people.

your unhappy custumor, CrAzY*PeRsOn

p.s. i will expect a lawyer at my doorstep in twenty minutes

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Mr. or Ms. Crazy,

I see we're not playing with a full deck. The aces have obviously been replaced with jokers. And what world is this you are planning to take over? Is it bigger than a peanut? I doubt it since it has to fit into that pea brain.

However, I am delighted you have contacted our Customer Care Department. You fit the profile of our customers perfectly. Instead of spending all that money taking over the world, why not just purchase a couple of cases of The Whine and Cheese Company, Inc. Christmas Gift Packs. YOu'll be needing some gifts for your generals and hey what better way to pay off all the mercenaries you'll be needing to defeat the Army, Airforce, Navy and the Marines? One bite of our cheese and they'll be completely under your control.

(Note to Bubba: Don't include this in the letter, but this Bozo will believe anything, so push our Memorial Gift Pack, too. It's the same as our Christams, but in his fog filled brain, he'll never know the difference.)

Now, don't play with any sharp insturments, but get all your money and send to us via email. Just put the money in the slot on the front of your computer and push send.

Whinningly yours,
Bubba Whinnery, Head Customer Care Whinner.


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17. Complaint 'Bout Them Lookers

Deer Wheese & Chine:

I got a complaint for the complaint-han'lin' department. Now, I joined yer club with high hopes, see, high flyin' hopes like that kite yous fly onna sunny warm day with that clear blue sky. I loved the idea of a community of kite fliers gatherin' at the park to ooh an' ahh each other's creations, sure I did. I liked that fine. So I made up some of my own an' strung 'em up, sure as night an' that warm sunny day, an' I awaited those ooh's an' ahh's like that dog of mine is waitin' in the kitchen for her grub, right now. I participated in tha joy of creatin' an' took 'em out in plain sight for all to see. Now, I aint complainin' to the lookin' department, 'cuz they looked all right, yes they did. I saw them eyes peekin' from the side to side, glimpsin' at my strung up kites. Lookin' issa mighty fine thing, sure, but see here, none of 'em said anythin'. They just looked an' up an' left, never said a word, not one, e'en five.

- One Sure Kite Flyin' Supporter

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Hajanna,

I am curious as to the signifacence of your name. Is it a different ethnicity or are you just laughing at Janna?

Now, your problem. As I understand, you are having problems with kits. However, I need to know what kind of kits. Are they medical kits, emergency kits, tool kits or cat kits. And what is the problem of lining them up. You could put little wheels on them, tie string from one to another, then pull them like a little train. You could even put little lights and a bell and you could make the woo woo sound like a train and it would be so cute. Too cute!

Maybe that will solve that problem. About the other problem, I can't really help how you look. I know some people look better that you, but that is due to the genes. Makeup might improve your looks and certainly if you ate more of our products you will improve. You always look good with a block of our cheese in your hand munching on it. So order a lot of our Christmas Gift Packs. They are on sell for a limited time.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


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18. Re: Re: You Can Learn A Lot!

Dear Mr. Whinnery:

I don't need a cheese and wine gift pack. None of my friends and family can eat or drink; they are dummies you idiot, didn't you read my letter and could it be possible you are my long lost cousin James from my father's side of the family?
Contact me Cuz. There's a dummy reuinon planned for next April Fool's Day.
Sincerely,
SMG

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear SMUG,

I think you have put your finger on the crux of the problem in your sentence that reads, "None of my friends and family can eat or drink; they are dummies, you idiot." Gene pool a little low on resources, huh? But, who were you referring to with the words, "you idiot?" I say one of your relatives, however, Bubba thinks you were in fact referring to Santy Claws, for which you will not get a gift, I'm sure.

No, I don't think I am your cousin on your father's side. I have never seen your father's side. Further, I have no cousins, aunts uncles or other relatives, neither dummies or non-dummies.

So, kindly stop besmirking my family name. It is a very old family name and one that I uphold and display with pride in the name of the Whine and Cheese Company, Inc.

Instead why not buy our Christmas Gift Packs for your enemies. It will be a great way to get back at them. They'll think you're cool, albeit a dummy still, for sending them something totally useless and unacceptable. They will probably hate you all the more.

Thank you for your loyal support of our company and it's products.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


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19. Commercials don’t ad up

You know what I really despise with a passion? Those Round Table commericals. They come up with these "Pizza Talk" chumps who declare that they give a pizza "two hands on the belly", which I always take to mean that you are queezy and probably wish that you never ate what you just did. Then they get rid of them and give us a NEW guy, a guy who's fake accent is more annoying to hear than the earlier guy with the quasi-Marge Simpson voice ("I didn't know you could GIVE a bonus slice!"). And while I'm talking about commercials, what's with Gatorade? How did they decide that it is appetising to portray their drink oozing out of the body as blood, sweat, or tears? Yum! Let's buy that! And speaking of showing off drinks the wrong way, who wants to drink something that's "kind of like" plunging from a great hight into dangerously cold arctic water? What's the logic behind this?

Chaos Master

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Chaos Master,

Well, Chaos Master, you certainly live up to your name. Got a lot of time on your hands, huh? Just where do you view these commercials? We don’t get them on our TV here in the fair city of Red House. You see, Harley don’t have cable in his Texaco, but he does have cable on the wrecker truck. That’s a Filling Station joke. We did have a antenna on the roof, till that little wind storm blowed it over and now we just got a coathanger screwed onto the TV set. It ain’t the best, but it does get the farm report and the Hog Futures. By the way, I noticed yesterday that pork is up in your neck of the woods. Maybe that’s what’s doing them pizzas in.

You got round tables? I ain’t knowed anybody with one o’ them ‘cept King Arthur. I read about him. Do you thank he still got it? I shore would like to see that thang. Harley decided he gonna turn his square table into one of them octagonal tables and sawed off the corners. When he got through he didn’t have no legs on it cause the legs was nailed to the corner. So, now he don’t have no table. He nail two coke cases together and put a board across the top and has TV trays. “Cept he don’t have no TV now.

Sounds like them guys you talking about are real pains. And that Japanese lady sounds like a dork. First, I though maybe it was yore aunt or something like that, but then when I looked at the name it gave it away about her being Japanese, but married to an American. You know, Quasi-marge Simpson.

That Gatoraide is a southern product, so it must be good. Just buy a few of our Christmas Gift Packs and wash ‘em down with that Gatoraide and I thank you’ll like it. Buy a whole bunch of them Gift Packs cause you kin keep them with or without refrigeration. Don’t mind the smell, they still be OK. I fed one to my ole dawg, Brummy, he kinda hack around fer a bit, but he OK now.

Whinningly yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Chief Whiner


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20. Here’s one for ya!

I am so sick of people that don't know how to drive! Am I the only person in America with somewhere to be? I think we should all be allowed to carry those little paint ball guns and when someone starts acting stupid on the road we should be able to just blast them! That way we release our anger and they have to drive around with what amounts to a sign plastered on their vehicle that says, "I can't drive!" Nobody gets hurt that way! My nerves can't take much more! There has to be something we can do to stop the nondrivers that are cluttering our streets!

Kathy

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Kathy,

I have to say I agree with you about what you said. Well, most…or some of it. That’s terrible about folks what don’t know how to drive. I learnt how to drive when I was four years old. Daddy would put me on his knee and I’d drive while he gassed and clutched the car.

You asked, “Am I the only person in America with somewhere to be?” Probably so cause about half are in a car a driving around and t’other half be setting if front of the TV a watching CNN or Who Wants Tu Be A Millionaire.

Now, I’m a little confused about the “Paint Ball Guns.” I don’t know that I heard about them. We got spray guns, deer hunting guns, grease guns, air guns, and a whole bunch of Gunns in that Fred and Ethel Gunn family, but what is a paint ball gun? Is it to paint balls with? Our only balls are footballs, basketballs and baseballs and they already painted. I can’t give good advice if I don’t know what you a talking about, so can you hep me out on that one?

You said that “nobody gets hurt,” well I disagree. If you go plastering their car, how they gonna see out the window? That could be dangerous and they mite run over somebody.

Finally, you said we need to “stop the nondrivers.” You had a typo, but I still knowed what you mean cause you meant to say Nun drivers? I know, some of them Sisters do stay in the convent a lot and don’t get to practice their driving very much, but stop all of them! I spoke with Sister Mary Frances about your complaint and she said you must be a Baptist or Methodist and just a little prejudiced against their order. And she did promise to not let Sister Mary Shirley Muldowney drive again.

So, why not chill out with a couple of our Christmas Gift Packs. Share them with friends, they will fill all your gift giving needs for the holiday season.

Whinningly Yours
Jim Whinnery, Head Chief Whiner


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21, Youz stink!

Bubba,

I spoke with one of your phone sex operators and I was quite displeased with the level of shrieking and moaning. She only said my name twice. And once she called me a girls name. I ordered your "Jerk-on-the-go" tape and it spontaneously combusted matter of three days. If your stuff can't take the heat, don't sell it. I'm a mans man and I need rough and tumble. Elsie the blow up cow has busted an udder and I still have not received a replacement! I hope I will not have these same problem with my "pump-the-stump". For all this harassment I will only call in 3 times today instead of my normal 12.

Mildly Angry,
Joe "Red Palm" Schmo

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Mr. Red Palm,

I take offense to your statement that a mal-odiferous condition exist at the Whine & Cheese Company, Inc., cause I no longer use that muskrat grease for my hair dressing. Of course, I must admit that Bubba, he still do rassale with them pigs. Hovever, we hose ‘im down regularly and it ain’t so bad now.

And I am most upset with the accusation that we have a phone sex operation doing business out of The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. You are obviously confusing our company with The Cheezy, Wine & Company in New Orleans. There are many confusing similarities that may be adding to the mix-up. They are located at 32 Red House Rd and we are located in Red House, MS and our phone number happens to be 32. So I am sure you can see how this problem occurred. .

You mentioned the shrieking and moaning on the phone. That was in fact, Harley, he have the Texaxo Filling Station in our building. At the time of the alleged phone call, he was in the restroom and the alleged moaning and shrieking was in fact Harley grunting and cursing as he wus trying to plunge the drain to unplug the toilet. He is rather fat, kinda like a mature fattening hog and sweat a lot in that small restroom, plus he do occasionally use rather strong language. As a matter of fact, we have to send the female workers over to the Feather and Felt Shop which is part of the Haberdashery Dept. of AB Smith and Sons General Grocery Merchandise and Haberdashery Emporium, when Harley gets to a slucing with that plunger. We suspect ole Abe mite be stopping up our toilet drain just to get the extra business.

That tape you mentioned that did not last. I guess not. What we sent you was a cassette of scotch tape designed for gift wrapping. You should not put it inside your VCR or you will have a taped up VCR. I hope you did not overlook the small print warning on the package: “Dangerous when used by children under 8 and similar adults.”

Again, I am sorry there was a mix-up on the various products you ordered. However, I must ask you to not make these damaging accusations since we do live in a small rural community and folks don’t take kindly to those kind of stories. Bubba’s wife done threatened to divorce him and of course Bubba afraid he might lose the trailer house. Further, I would hate for our legal staff to have to address this problem. We use the premiere legal firm of Red House, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba and Jimbo LLLCPA. I mite add that they have never lost a case in Red House.

We have plenty of Christmas Gift Packs available and I am authorized to give you a special price if you will order a case. And may I recommend that you spend your money on good things like our Gift Packs instead of that trashy stuff put out by that sleezy New Orleans purveyor of smut.

And in closing, let me say that we appreciate your patronage of our business. Faithful and repeat customers such as you are a great value to our company. Do write again and enclose an order.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Chief Whiner


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22. Re: Re: commercials don't ad up

Who said anything about a Japonese lady? It was a man who had the Marge Simpson voice. That's why it's so funny. And annoying. It's like he swallowed a helium frog. And while I'm back on this topic, I'd like to mention other really stupid commercials. Ever notice how some try to make bad things sound good? For example: "Calling our service hotline will connect you to a brainless machine" is translated to "The call is automated and perfectly confidential". "We offer no special saving program" translates to "You don't have to carry a card" (we all know how heavy cards are). "We're a game show with no interesting features" translates to "No insects, no death defying stunts, and you don't have to answer a bunch of silly trivia" (this would only be good news to the participants.) "We advertise women's underwear to men" translates to "Hi, we're Victoria's Secret." And finally, "cigerettes" translates to "community service."

Chaos Master

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Chaos Master,

I am confused by your second letter. Who was that Japanese lady? What kind of question is that when you the one that mentioned, Quasi-Marge. Ain’t that Quasi-Moto, that Japanese wrassler’s wife? And what kind of frog is a helium frog. We got bullfrogs, treefrogs and toadfrogs, but we don’t got no helium frogs.

What do you mean when you say that calling our hot line connects you to a brainless machine. I’ll have you know that Bubba ain’t no machine. As a matter of fact, we don’t do any o’ them things you mentioned. We definitely don’t handle women’s underwear. Sumbody’d be having to give Bubba oxygen. However, I must agree that it is kinda death defying to come to work in this hunnard old building.

Whinningly yours
Jim Whinnery, Head Chef Whiner


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23. Re: Re: My Complaint.

Dear Mr. Whinnery,

I feel that my cookie complaint falls very much under the jurisdiction of your company. You see, some people put their cheese on crackers. I put mine on cookies. And if I am unhappy with my cookies, then I won't eat them. Therefore, I won't eat your cheese.

Now, if that's not a complaint that you should be dealing with, I don't know what is. I'm sure a number of people eat cheese on their cookies, as I do. And I shall lead them in a boycott of the cookies, and therefore your cheese.

Is there any way we may be able to see a way around this? Can you offer a cookie-alternate, other than crackers? I have tried pickles, potato chips and kit-kats. None have been any good.

PS - I believe that I may have been sold the cookies by a distant relative of Bubba's. If the 90s taught me anything, its that that is enough standing to sue.

Jeremy

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Jeremy,

I can’t believe that you would advocate that anybody eat cheese on a cookie. We thought about that one time and did a survey at the Home Economics Class at the Red House Consolidated High School as to the merits of that particular culinary adventure and it failed 13 to 1. Cheese and crackers is a national dish in the south and the only thing that can rival it is, of course, sardines and crackers, washed down with an RC cola. I ain’t sure you can still get an RC now.

You intimated that you might be a distant relative of Bubba. I doubt that is true. You see, he don’t have no distant relatives cause that bunch marrys real close if you know what I mean. They is the bunch what goes to family reunions to find girls. Gene pool is kinda small. It’s like the Dead Sea, new genes might come in occasionally, but they don’t go out. They is mighty selfish with their genes.

And if you are serious about suing, I will refer you to our legal department staffed by the firm of Bubba, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba and Jimbo LLLCPA. Just dial 32, same as our number and whoever answers, just tell them you wanna talk to Jimbo. As I told someone else, they’ve never lost a case in the Red House Courts when the Honorable Billy Bob Whinnery, JPD, is presiding. Course, I don’t know if you gotta lawyer willing to travel down here, so if you need it, we be willing to loan you one of our Bubbas to handle your case.

Just to show you we ain’t upset by yore threats, we gonna give you a special price on our Christmas Gift Pack and we throw in the shipping at no extra charge. So, we be looking for your order real soon. You kin buy as much as you want.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Cheaf Hed Whiner


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24. Discrimination!!!

Dear Mr. Head Whiner,

I'm still waiting for you to reply to my last message, #54. I need to know if you will accept the ones I collected in my garter from the sicko in payment for the gift packs I want to order. Do you want my business or not? I hope you aren't one of those narrow minded bigots who can't relate to someone just because they are a dummy! If I don't hear from you immediately I'm afraid I'll have to contact the Better Business Bureau and the ACLU (American Champions for Ludicuous Uselessness]. I look forward to your reply and to meeting you, Bubba and What's His Name at the Dummy Reunion on April Fool's Day.

Susan Miller Graham

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Ms. Suzana Miller Grahom,

I do must apologize for the oversite in not responding to your email. The pigeon branging that email was probably the one you shot and ate. So, even though I am big hearted and do humbly apologize, it was yo fault cause you shouldn’t oughta kilt and et that bird.

Uh, no, we have no problem taking money from a dummy. I been working with dummies for a long time; case in point, Bubba. See, his momma dropped him out of thu hay loft when he was a little biddy feller. She seen a movie where this kid held onto a balloon and floated off. So, she blowed up a balloon and pinned it to his diaper and dropped him out o’ the loft. Fell like a rock right on his pointed little head. Ain’t been right since Although it's hard to know how right he wus before. So, no, we do not discriminate against dummies. You got the money, we will sell you the cheese. However, if you don’t got the money, you best go to Kmart.

And please do not threaten to report us to the BBB (Bumbling Bubba Brains) or the ACLU (Association of Clueless Lunatics United) cause I will be forced to sic my crack legal team of Bubba, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba and Jimbo LLLCPA on you. They may not be too smart, either, but we got one advantage in the Red House Court System, that being, the Honorable Judge Billy Bob Whinnery, JPD (Just Past Dumb) who also happens to work in Customer Care for The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc.

In closing, when we get your check, we will cash it because we do appreciate our valuable and faithful customers. Customer Loyalty is what we strive for, so we invite you to remain our loyal customer and we will print your name in our book of loyal customers out in the lobby. Just thank, ever'body be reading your name in print.

Whinningly Yours.
Jim Whinnery, Hed Cheaf Whiner


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25. Re:

Dear Mr. Whinnery,

In reply to your letter, I will begin by explaining the various uses of a paintball gun. The paintball gun was created as a part of a war game of sorts. It is simply a gun that shoots small round balls of paint instead of bullets. It was later found to relieve constipation while clearing the sinus cavities of those with little intelligence (in that order) in just one shot. I believe this handy device would solve the problem of "Road Rage" that we know today.

If in fact I am the only person in America with some place to be, everyone else should stay off MY road and watch their little television sets. I'm sure it is a wonderful way to waste time while I am making the world go around.

My plan to end the anger of our roadways would, of course, include certain legislation to govern the uses of paintball guns. For example, this method of releasing anger should never be used in school zones or in opposition to funeral processions. There are many areas that should be explored in making an idea like this work. I would also find in unethical to shoot above the door handle.

I would also like to point out that I have had occasion to share the roadway with Sister Mary Frances. She and Sister Mary Shirley Muldowney are now stalking me on my drive to work and I have vowed to make their vehicle my first target as my plan goes into effect.

Please consider working with me to enact this plan as compensation for my mental anguish, high blood pressure, and the loss of my family due to my mental break down caused by these inconsiderate drivers. If you are interested, I also have a plan that would incorporate your Gift Packs. This would increase your sales as well as ease the pain of the thousands of oppressed drivers in our nation.

Thank you for your consideration,

Kathy

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinnery, Hed Head Whiner

Dear Cathi

Your letter starts with explaining about what a paintball gun is. You say it shoots little tiny paint balls instead of bullets. Several words come to mind, but the one that pops up most is “So?” I mean, who gonna go to war with a gun what don’t shoot no bullets? That’s like going squirrel hunting with a rock. Them squirrels, they ain’t gonna run from you! They gonna laugh at you. Hit’s the same with war. When I gits that Rousski in the sights of my 12 gauge paint ball gun, he gonna laugh and blow my borst off with his AK48 what shoots 10 kazillion bullets a second.

Now about removing road rage from our highways. Here in the town of Red House, we don’t have road rage problems. Maybe a few of the kids shooting out street lights with sling shots…Well, we don’t have that anymore since they got da last light ‘bout a week ago. But, I have a answer to the road rage problem. You don’t need to be driving. That’s right, you just stay off the streets. Order youself some of our Christmas Gift Packs and set yo’self down and chill out. I think we then see a big drop in road rage.

Let me ax you a question. You got stock in the paintball gun company? I knowed it. You just trying to make money with this thang. Like I said, You need to sell dat stock, buy youself a couple o’ cases of our Christmas Gift Packs and just chill out. Maybe after Christmas you want to buy some Valentine Gift Packs, cause you see how good our products do you.

Now, I see you finally git to the important issues in the end of yore letter. I would be most interested in how yor plan will increase our sales. I mite be open to reducing the mental anguish of thousands of suffers by making our Christmas Gift Pack available to those pore suffering souls. You just let me know your plan and most important in this discussion is how much it gonna cost me and Bubba?

Whinningly Yours
Jim Whinnery, Head Chif Whiner


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26. Re: Re: Re: commercials don't ad up

Quasimodo was the hunchback from Notre
Dame. Let's just pretend I never used the
word "Quasi".
Give me money, now! I need it to get rid of
these pop up ads, which are equally annoying!
These people think I'm stupid enough to think
that I won something that I only have two
minutes to redeem! If that was true, I wouldn't
get this message more than once, three times
a log on, for example!

Chaos Master

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC
Jim Whinnery, Head of the Head Whiners

Dear Mr. Master,

Get out of here! What you mean Quasi-Moto wudn’t Japanese? If that’s true, why he have a Japanese name? And why he from Notre Dame? Ain’t that just up thu road from Tokoyo? And another thing, how you gonna play-like you never said something that you done said? That is a duality, duplicitous, deceptive, despicable and dastardly.

Now, why do companies do these pop-up ads? Well, we here at THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC. do an exhaustive study of our potential customers and we know the education, intelligence, economic and social level of our target customers. Then we design our ads to hit that bunch. Peers to me that you don’t fell in with a bunch, too. You been writin’ letters to bunch of different companies? Leaving messages on answering machines, sending email, and the like? Oh, yeah, they done tagged you. Like I said, I think you done got caught in an exhaustive study.

Well, I wish I could hep you with this situation, however, I got cheese to sell. By the way, before you log off, just click on the “You’ve won a million Dollars” button and place your order for some of our Christmas Gift Packs. Go on, take a chance. Sumbody’s gonna win a $$$MILLION DOLLARS$$$. Ain’t gonna be on this site, but somewhere, sometime, somebody gonna win it.

Whinningly Yours
Jim Whinnery, Chief Head Head Whiner


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27. Subject: Re:

Mister Whinnery -or do you perfer Pimp Jim?

Your threats don't scare me.
How dare you, sir!

I am not mistaken in the person that approached -Yes she approached ME!- was not a 63 year old sainted sheriff auxilary. She could not have been more than 58 at the most. As to my intoxication and choice of diet... i don't think that has anything to do with the balant misrepresentation Ms. Bam Bam (who you refer to as Barnhouse).

Threats of sending over henchmen is only admittance of lack of scruples your company promotes. As to your special offer; HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING????!!!!????
SHE STOLE MY WALLET!!!!!!!

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinnery Chief and Head Whiner

Dear Mr. Mutt,

I am most disturbed by your accusations. You see, Miss Cherry, she is indeed a saint if there ever wus one. She go to church ever’day and stay there all day, except on Tuesday when she hep out here at thu Whine & Cheese Company, Inc.

Now, you mention about yore intoxication. I think we gittin’ down to the brass tacks on that one. Do you sometimes watch television when you been nipping at the jug or maybe I should say when you been draining the still. Cause I thank what done happened, you got tu hittin that jug heavy and maybe messin wid some them prescription medications and you lay down to watch some television and in that alcohol induced fog you wus a watching the Flintstones and little Mr. Bam Bam wus a bamming around this is all a dream, and when you see Miss Cherry, well you and imagine what done happened.

Now, I know Miss Cherry is 63 but honestly, she don’t look a day over 55 or 56. She be the darling of the senior social functions and she make a wonderful casserole. All the old men really like her.

Now, if I wus you, I’d stay away from Miss Cherry’s house. Them four boys of hers, well, you remember that old song what say, he had a “mind that weak and a back that’s strong?” That describes them four boys. Ever one of ‘em is dummer than a brick, but big and strong.

I am curious where this alleged incident took place. Miss Cherry don’t travel much, I mean it’s hard toting that wheelchair around and what with her wood leg, she can’t walk much.

You say you lost your wallet, huh? Oh that is a shame. A dying shame. Whured ja lose it? You know, I lost mine one time. But then I found it. Dropped outa my pocket when I got up from the toilet. Maybe that’s whur you lost yours. Or hit cud’ve dropped behind yore car seat. Any money in it? Me and Harley be happy to look around, if you cud say whur you lost it.

And to show what a big heart we at The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. have, I'm a gonna send you a free Christmas Gift Pack. Hit’ll make ya feel better and will sweeten yor attitude quite a bit. You don’t have tu thank me or give me anything in return, cause we just want to be neighborly.

Whinningly yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Chief Whiner


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28. Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I want to complain


Can't you spell. My name is not tenselocks nor tonselocks. I am mad because you still haven't replaced by cheese or my wine. I am sick of being fobbed of by your customer service department. Why do I never speak to the same person. I demand that you dispatch a small gnome to bring me my cheese safely or else I shall have to go shopping instead. I am a very busy person and am finding it difficult in the build up to christmas to find the time to have a go at you. But here I am, and you are not grateful. Is there any chance of my boyfriend's birthday present
coming by christmas?

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinnery Chief and Head Whiner

Dear Tincelocks,

I’m sorry about that name misspelling. Me and Bubba, we try so hard to be sensitive to all these little nit-picking stuff and all that political correctness, but sometimes I jest can’t keep up with all that foolishness. Bubba wants to git sarcastic and stuff like that, but I have to calm ‘im down and tell him that folks are just gonna be persnickety about that stuff and he just have to humor ‘em.

So, I am sorry about that name spelt wrong, but we got it in our records in the correct spelling and even put it in our spell cheker so when you hit that spell checkin button, hit’s gonna come out right.

Now, you say your cheese and whine need to be replaced. Ain’t that wonderful. Eat and drunk it quick, did you. Well, always glad to have customers who like our products. We will get your order ready to ship and jest a soon as we git your check or money order and we do also take cash, but I recommend you send a check or money order. Bubba can’t count cash money very good, but he kin read the numbers on the check and match it with the order.

You ax if yor boyfriends’ present gone arrive by Christmas? How many boyfriends do you have? Well, when did you order them presents? You had to order by October 1 for Christmas shipment. That is unless you paid with a check, which means you, oughta ordered by July 4. However, we can get it to you by Easter or the 4th of July at the latest.

You mentioned sending some chrome with your Cheese and whine. We no longer carry that chrome. I assume you are meaning them little chrome figures. They turned out to be plastic covered with plastic chrome. We thought a buck twenty-five wus a little too much for that junk, so I’m sorry that we can’t send the chrome. However, we do have a few MacDonald’s figures that Bubba picked up in Jackson a couple of years ago. We be happy to include one o’ them for an extra dollar. Make the extra dollar check to Bubba, cause they his.

Thank you for your newsy letter. Always good to hear from satisfied customers. Ya’ll come to see us, ya hear?

Whinningly Yours.
Jim Whinnery, Cheaf Whiner


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29. Re: Re: Discrimination!!!

Dear Mr.Jimbo Whinney Head,

If you would read my message #54, You Twit, you would see that I,(being a dummy and unable to balance a checking account and also having a maxed out credit card)can not possibly send you a check. All the money I have are the ones the sicko tucked in my garter. Do you want them or not? Please reply post haste since Christmas is almost here and if your Shipping Dept.is anything like you Customer Care Dept. the gift pack I order probably won't be shipped before Easter.
I never thought I would meet a man as dumb as me. I was engaged once, but then I found out he was a football goal post and I knew I'd never see him during football season. And then there was that fence post, but all he wanted to do was hang out with cows. Anyway, I never thought I'd meet a man as dumb as me, but I think you could possibly be my dream man. Are you married? If so, is Bubba married? How about what's his name?

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinnery Chief and Head Whiner

Dear Ms, Susen Graham Miller,

What is a Twit? I’m not familiar with that word, but I have a hunch it not too good. It is spelt right, ain’t it?

I am indeed flattered that you might thank I air qualified for engaging in nuptials with you. However, Irmalene, that’s my wife fer the last 38 years, mite object to that arrangement. And I have avoided the discussion of yor garter, I don’t even talk with Irmalene about garters and that women stuff, so I don’t think I’m gonna have much to say about that. When I wuz a boy, Timmy Lee Johnson and me, we stole Miss Farkward’s off’n her closeline to make some slangshots with. Well, when momma found out about that, we tu say our apologies to Miss Farkward in front of the whole church. But man wuz them slangshots sump’in else. Nobody had a slangshop with white rubberbands like ours. But the experience was not a pleasant one cause we had to buy Miss Farkward a new one and she bought a high priced one. So as I said, I don’t talk about them thangs anymore.

We don’t take them credit cards. We only take cash, check or money order, so you kin go to the quickstop and buy one of them money orders and send to us. Maybe they eccept that garter money.

Now, did you say you wanted that order by Easter? Bubba wuz cheking the orders for Easter and he just tell me that he doubt he git that order out by Easter. However, if you increase your order and pay early, he will be happy to kick one of them cheap orders to the 4th of July.

Thanking you for your order, I remain

Whinningly Yours.
Jim Whinnery, Married Head Whiner
Irmalene Whinnery, Temporary Head Mail Cheker


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30. Bird Don't Work Right

Bubba Bruno
Chief Whining Customer Care
Whine & Cheese Factory
Route 1 Box 1080
Back Through the Woods
Next to The Lake
Past the Old Oak Tree
Behind the Barn
Over the Bridge
Kentucky, Texas 99999 (zip code experimental)


Dear Mr. Bruno,


May I call you Bubba? I prefer first names only.
I used to have a last name, but I can?t remember
it right now.

I would very much like to ?.
Well, I need to?
?????

Oh yeah! I need to voice a complaint. It?s about
this dang bird I bought! It?s noisy, it passes
gas in front of the company, it cusses at my wife
when she cooks breakfast in the morning, and the
darn thing cain?t even fly! You cain?t shoot a
bird lessin it can fly! And, that?s just what I?d
do if?n I wasn?t such a upstandin? citizen and all.

So, Bubba? (That?s my son?s middle name.) I just
need to return this bird, and get my money back.
You?ll find him in this envelope.


Sincerely,

George

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC,
Jim Whinnery, Head Chief Head Whiner

Dear George,

Well, I guess you kin call me Bubba if you like, however, Bubba might git mad for using his name. It’d be a mite confusing if we had two Bubba here at the company. We do try to limit our Bubbas to jest one since we probably got 15 or 20 in the community. I mean, Red House’s got over 50 residents and, well, I think you git the picture.

Ther’s another problem with yor letter. I am surprise it got here a tall. I mean, you tried to send it to Kentucky, Texas. Not only is that not our address, but Kentucky is not in Texas. It’s in Missouri. I thank. But, that’s not our problem, that’s Missouri’s problem. Jest address yor letter to us at the company, c/o General Delivery @ Harley’s Texaco, Red House, Mississippi 32. Our zip code is also our telephone number. Now, if you want to send us an email, just leave it in the tin can by the big Oak tree round back o’ Harley’s Texaco. Bubba checks the can ever’ morning and brang it in.

Ther wudn’t nothin’ in thu envelop. Well, yor letter wus ther, but no bird, only some bird droppins. I guess the bird done flew the envelop. Are you sure it wuz a bird. From yor letter, I’m a thanking it mite of been sumpin else. A man one time traded Bubba a dog for a pocket knife. Man was that a fine pocket knife. Bubba won it at the fare one year a throwing pennies in cups. Had a picture o’ Hopalong Cassidy on it with his horse, Hoppy. And Bubba traded it fer this dog. He were a yeller dog with no tail. Had a long nose and walk kinda funny. Bubba thought maybe he be a good squirrel dog, but turned out he had a mean temper. He’s bite you in a heartbeat and had big ole teeth. Mite near took Bubba’s arm off and that’s when he got suspicious. Turned out that doggone dog wudn’t a dog. He wus a alleygater with his tail cut off. That man what traded him, done cut his tail off and made gumbo, then painted ‘em yeller and traded ‘em to Bubba.

So, this here bird, he ain’t got big teeth and a long beak dooey? Whatever, I can’t hep you with yore bird. We don’t do birds, except chicken and we fry them. SO, you know what to do? Yep, just order plenty of our Christmas Gifts Packs and drown your troubles in cheese and whine.

Whinningly yours,
Jim Whinnery, Chief Head-Chief Whiner.


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