For Iron Cross

Okay, Black Dragon, the first thing I noticed about your story is the first sentence. That is an attention-grabber! but the next sentence definitely leaves something to be desired. Try this:

He stood there, silent, alone. He came from the highlands, his heart, body, and soul crying out for vengeance, for revenge. The sword in his hand, bloodied and spattered with gore, trembled with the desire for more. But she was not here.

Keara, the fire that fuels his heart, was stolen from him. These men lying dead in the freshly fallen snow snatched her from his village. Now their bodies lay sprawled about him in an orgy of death, rolling in their final throws.

Of all the other young men, he knew what he must do. He must find them, find the ones who held his love, his fire, his Keara. These men might have devastated his village and murdered the crippled, the old, and the helpless, but they did not have Keara. For that they paid and now, now he would find the others and take his revenge.


Whoops! Sorry, once I got started, I couldn't stop. The words are good ones, but you need to keep in mind the kind of impact you want. This man is consumed with desire. When you describe him, with his words and actions, use strong words, and words that provoke strong emotions. Don't say, "He is very large and foreboding," let the story tell us that. Already, in your first paragraph, you've told us what kind of man Celtin is, without coming out and saying it. That's what's meant by letting the story tell the tale.

Check this out:

It (never use 'it' when you can avoid it) wasn’t long before he picked up more tracks leading down the mountain. (here you switch tenses) He never came this far down before. (and back) There was never a need to. He didn’t stop to think about the fact that the surroundings were less and less recognizable (you just told us this). He didn’t pay heed to much except for the tracks and his need for Keara to be safe in his arms. He knew that he would come upon them soon. (you're 'telling' too much again) He was traveling alone and unencumbered (what did he have? what do you mean?). They were traveling with unwilling women (here you can introduce the fact that the scoundrels had abducted the women of his villiage). Sure they have maybe a days lead on him. He is very large and foreboding, but he is also very agile and he knew it wouldn’t be long before he found them. It was getting dark now and a cold wind was blowing (you're 'telling' again; describe it!). Though he didn’t want to stop now, he knew that it would not be wise to come upon his enemies un-rested. He also knew that they too would have to stop for the night. He didn’t set up a camp but found a secluded area nestled by some rocks. He gathered twigs and some moss for a makeshift bed and lay down to sleep. (you just said he didn't set up camp; do we need to know this?) A figure walking silently in the near distance crouched down into some near by bushes, watching and waiting (this is a good closing sentence--it makes the reader want to know more).

Okay, now check this out:

Celtin found the tracks easily, his keen hunter's instincts and skills leading him down the mountain. There were many tracks here, the larger ones of the men, and the smaller ones of the kidnapped women. Celtin set his feet to the trail, letting them carry him even as his shrewd mind thought ahead. His enemies had to deal with women; Celtin did not. They knew the way; Celtin traveled along a path that became less and less familiar and comfortable with each stride.

Already the day was almost over. Celtin knew he needed rest before he confronted his enemies. And the women would need rest, too, if they were to outrun their captors. Though he saw the need, Celtin was still reluctant to pause in his journey. Yet he did step off the path a short distance and settled down for an uneasy night's rest.

A figure walking silently in the near distance crouched down into some near by bushes, to watch and wait.


After this whole long spiel, I guess it boils down to these three things:
1. Let the story speak for itself.
2. Remember your readers don't know what's going on in your head (don't assume too much).
3. The good stuff at the end starts with good stuff at the beginning, but the middle is where all the fun is.

I hope this helps you, even a little, and I'm not the best writer (far from it), so please keep chugging away. There's a story to be told here. Your writing style is unique, so I would think hard before changing too much. I know my style has certainly changed over the years, so yours probably will, too, as you get more experience and decide for yourself what paths to take. Good luck!