Awakening

Awakening

by

Debora A. McKinsey

(Note this remembering event occurred on or about 22 December 1990)

Darkness floating
Pleasantness peaceful
Drifting
Darkness soft surrounding
Engulfing
Pleasant dreamily float
Darkness
Forever touching
Caressing lightly
Warm stroke
Darkness ahead thinning
A shadow of light opening

I walk toward the opening door.

No longer disembodied
Floating
I feel the tenseness of legs, calves and thighs, of lower back and constricted throat and chest
I am afraid
My fear grows to terror as I approach the open door
As I walk towards soft velvety light all violet and green
I stop just inside the darkness shadowed
My terror is thick in my chest, throat, guts, and legs
I feel the willingness to turn and run me away
I stand frozen
Not willing to enter the light
Unable to turn away
I hear a baby screaming
Pain overwhelming
I feel a voice in my brain, calm, rational, insistent
Yes this is a scary place to be, but you have been here before
You lived this once
You will be able to live through again
The door opens more
I'm touched by the edge of the light
I feel myself step back
No longer frozen
Now gripped in terror
away
away
away
I feel the
"NOOooo..!"
Ripped from my guts

It is dark
I am floating
Disembodied
Touched by nothing
Feeling nothing
Wanting nothing
'Except to stay forever here in nothing

Darkness
Floating
Pleasantness
Peaceful drifting
Darkness
Soft
Surrounding
Engulfing
Pleasantness dreamily float
Darkness
Forever
Touching
Caressing
Softly warm stroke
Darkness ahead
Thinning
A shadow light growing

I walk toward an opening door

Tense coldness in bowels
Expands to constrict chest
Shallow breath I take
Gasp
The light beckons
Touches curiosity
Wanting
A need frightenly overpowering
Calves, thighs, toes tense
Ready to take me
Run away impulse
Strong
Past survival technique
The light touches my hand

"Why have I reached out and touched the light?"

I smell the terror of what is hidden in violet and green
I cannot pull my hand back
I feel the soft soothing voice in my brain

"It is okay to be afraid. I won't allow you to be hurt. Please, believe me.
I love you. I won't allow you to be hurt."

I have my hand back
Protected tight against my chest
I've turned
I've ran
I feel the disappointment throb in my head
I feel the voice crying
"NOOooo!"

Silence
Darkness
Sweet floating
Not touching
Not touched
No feelings
No trust
Wanting nothing
Nothing to want
'Except to stay in the dark
I feel safe in the dark
I want to staaay .. staaay .. staaay

Darkness floating
Pleasantness
Peaceful drifting
Darkness soft surrounding
Engulfing pleasant dreamily float
Darkness forever touching
Caressing softly warm stroke
Darkness thins
Light shadow overpowering

I stand inside the open door

Statued terror
No scream I
Yet I am screaming
Baby screaming
Pain engulfing
Terror sickening
Retching
Choking
Inside rational voice I feel soothing
Inside brain calm insistence affecting
Gut emotion terror raging
Hunger hurts and I am crying
Big she screaming scaring
Small and weak I am smothering
Deep voice angry yelling
Terror jerks every nerve fiber
Convulsion
Smothering weight lifted
Gasping screaming
Big she shouting leaving
Terror gasping snuffle choking

I am crying
On my knees begging
"Please don't hurt me no more."

Dark daddy person lifts me
Cradled
Rocking gently
Crooning soothing
Held in arms
Trembling
Remnants terror leaving
sucking lip still crying

Calm
Mommy voice
Questioning
She baba giving
I reach out and grasping
Warm fluid nourishing
Sweet
Grabbing
Holding
Sucking
Gulping
Breathe and drink some more

Eyes drooping
Full belly
Cramping
Whimper
Lifted back rubbing
Crooning
Dark daddy person walking
I feel better
Contented
Floating down
Blanket covering
Darkness engulfing

Sleepy
Drifty
Darkness Floaty
Touched and touching
Pleasantness
Fear calmed
Pain gone
Drift to darkness' safety
Sleep is bliss
Sleep is peace
I'm secure when I sleep
I love my dark daddy person
He is gone

Darkness floating
Pleasantness
Peaceful drifting
Darkness
Soft surrounding engulfing
Pleasant
Dreamily float
Darkness forever touching
Caressing Softly warm stroke
Darkness gone
Shadow light conquering

I stand in an old attic surrounded by boxes and crates
All dusty tied, locked or taped
Inside rational voice I feel talking in my brain
"All your locked way memories, nightmares and screams. Explore slowly and carefully,
I promise to be with you always. I will not let anything hurt you. You can trust me."
The words they comfort me
I'm not sure why
But, it is time to reenter world awakening and face my here and now reality
I drift fuzzily, slowly forcing consciousness
Awakening
I stretch and lucidly reflect
Rage over powering ...


As adult I am forced to search deep inside for the source of my anguish.
Such pain I have locked away so I could retain my sanity
Now it is time to let go of my demons
Long past deserving

Originally written: 27 Dec 1990
first placed into type: 18 March 1991
transcribed to Stories.com: 3 October 2001

Published in the January 15 issue of Abstracts ... http://www.geocities.com/amjay96/Welcome.html

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