How to Be a Universe Trader

Learn how to trade Universes from the best and brightest mind in the Omniverse.

         I trade universes. I'm good at it, and it's made me a very successful and powerful man. Now, to someone like you, the concept of "trading a universe" is a concept that you cannot comprehend. Who are the buyers? What do you mean universes? As in multiples? And what are you trading them for? These are all natural questions for someone of your mental capacity, and that's no insult to you in any way. Universe Trading is a very complex job and it requires an aptitude for business, time travel knowledge, universal manipulation, and obscene amounts of foresight. It's not a job for the faint of heart, believe me. So, I've decided to shed some light on this very mind bending, headache inducing, highly lucrative profession, and maybe give myself the reassurance that I know what I'm talking about.
         Before that, though, we need to first talk about what Universe Trading is. The profession of Universe Trading dates back to the times of the first Time Travelers, when off-branch, unusable timelines and their subsequent universes were rendered Null and Void, what the business refers to as NAVUs. The trading of NAVUs to other Time Travelers was mainly for them to mess around with. That is until someone realized that pillaging them for resources was far more profitable. I, personally, choose not to dwell on what Time Travelers do to gather those resources, I just sell them their universes. Regardless, NAVUs were plentiful and useful, and that was all well and good, but where there's common and useful, there's rare and pointless. These were your DAEUs, Dull and Exotic universes, and collectors ate them up like crab cakes. And they fetched a pretty penny if you could get your hands on them. Now, I specialized in these DAEUs when I first started out, but NAVUs are a perfectly respectable specialization as well. You can pick and choose as you see fit.
         Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to run you through a past experience of mine being a Universe Trader, just so you can get a feel for how the process works. For the sake of confidentiality, I've changed the names of everything and the contents of the trade, but the gist of it should ring true.
         A Buyer, Client A, comes from the future asking to get their hands on a DAEU. They have no specific requirements and are just looking for something that peaks their interest. This is the typical attitude many DAEU Buyers have, as finding DAEUs, let alone trading them, is not an easy task. In these cases, we begin by showing them what we have in stock. These could be company trades made in the past, or coordinating with other Universe Traders as to what we could work out. Client A fancies a DAEU composed of a multitude of factors, their main attraction point being that Mt. Vesuvius didn't erupt and destroy Pompei, which has since grown to a very powerful empire in modern day.
         Now at this point, I should probably note that Client A has made a classic first time buyer error. An error which is so common and so detrimental to the Buyer that Universe Traders who abuse it are frowned upon and alienated. First time Buyers of DAEUs almost always travel from the future to the past in order to trade for a DAEU. This is not a good idea for a few reasons.
         One, whenever you've traveled from, you are no longer there at that time, obviously. This means that the company has the ability to pinpoint the exact time you will leave your current time for now to come and trade for a DAEU. Which means they are ready and eager to harvest the NAVU from your trip to the past. Essentially, by traveling back in time, you're guaranteeing the success of my company ten, fifteen, twenty years from now.
         Two, you become a liability that the company must take into account, and are therefore less likely to receive an offer for any universe. What I'm talking about is what you refer to as the Grandfather paradox, where-in you, a Time Traveler, become your own grandfather by having sex with your soon to be grandmother, which gives rise to your family, and subsequently, you. This is a big no-no that can be catastrophic for you as a person, and as such, Universe Trading companies stray far far far away from anyone who is their own parent, grandparent, etc. A simple, on site DNA test will tell us if we should even be talking to you.
         Third and finally, you intrinsically think you're smarter because "you're from the future and know how this all goes down". Yes, you're from the future, and yes you have knowledge that I don't. But that street goes two ways, buddy. We have measures in place that mitigate these people from getting the upper hand on bargaining deals, and it's really hilarious when someone from the future comes back and beats the shit out of their past self for trying to mess with us. This byproduct of these countermeasures, which I'm not at liberty to disclose, actually saves us a fortune on security costs. Who's better security than a stronger, more intelligent you who knows exactly how to win every fight because they've already done it?
         So, naturally, I took the necessary precautions when dealing with Client A, who we refer to as a FtP Buyer, Future to Past. I clearly and concisely explained to him the ramifications before we continued with any trades, and once everything checked out and was in order, we proceeded. After negotiations and bargaining, the usual repertoire of business, we agreed upon what we both felt was fair: the Pompei DAEU in exchange for the next two NAVUs created from Client A's time traveling. The risk with this deal comes with those two NAVUs and how they will pan out over time. But that's for the Universe Appraisers to figure out, and those guys are something far different from a Universe Trader. The Appraisers got back to us in a span of a few days and gave us the all clear to proceed with the trade.
         After Client A had acquired the Universe in question, a future version of Client A time traveled back and atomized his past self. The future Client A, Client B, deposited two NAVUs into our system and thanked us for the business. He then traveled forward in time with the Pompei Universe and our business was concluded. Naturally, I would think you'd be wondering why and how a future version of yourself can travel back, kill you, and still exist. That's where the whole Quilt of Time explanation comes into play, which I had to sit in a university lecture hall for almost 30 billion years in order to understand it. Let me see if I can give it some context.
         When you travel in time, you're not actually in the same universe from where you just came. You're in an identical universe to your own, but phase shifted in time by whatever amount you specified. For example, if you want to travel five minutes into the future, you will be transported to the neighboring universe that's functioning identical to yours but five minutes "into the future". So a future version of you can travel five minutes back and kill the other you with no effect on them. But now you may be wondering, if you were astute enough to see the "flaw" in this, wait a minute.
         Client A was just killed by Client B, but if he dies because of Client B, then how could Client A "grow up" to become Client B? And that's a great point, now you're thinking like a Universe Trader. What we like to call the Death by Suicide paradox states that, due to this phase shifting, a version of you from the future can exist "in the past" by having their timeline exist as a Future's Past timeline. This is a timeline that, chronologically, exists in the future, but is phase shifted to the past. So, a future you can travel PtF, Past to Future, and kill you before you even realize that they're an FPtPtFR, a Future's Past timeline Past to Future Reaper. FPtPtFRs are a great asset to have when necessary. Turns out, I later learned, Client A was planning on selling the DAEU he bought for far less than he got it for, which is what triggered his FPtPtFR to fix his mistake in the future. That was actually one of the tamer encounters.
         So now the question is this: what does this mean for me? Well, if you live in a universe where there aren't Time Travelers, I'm afraid you've already been sold and purchased. Your chances of becoming a Universe Trade are slim to none at this point. And if you are reading this, it means that your universe hasn't been scavenged for resources, so you're inhabiting a DAEU, thankfully. I don't know what's so special about your universe, but I can assure you someone does, and they'll keep you safe. Don't worry about it though, that's the fate of most universes. Kept for pleasure, for observation and study. I'd like to thank you for reading this far, most likely through very confusing verbiage and phrases. But you've been resilient and committed to learning our ways, and for that, I commend you.