Leora

I don't feel right. I might just be making stuff up, because I want to be something that isn't nothing. Happy I am not, not for sure. But I don't think I really feel at all. I go to school I talk to people, I discuss, I listen. but I feel like an outsider, I barely feel connected to the outside world, occasionally I appreciate something little, like comics. I like Moon Knight comics. I feel so lost, and all I'm thinking of is just myself and it bothers me, I'm selfish. Oh god, I know, i have wronged people. I don't even miss Mallya, it's as if she never existed, but she still left a hole in my heart, if I have one of those still... I don't know what to do with myself at this point. I hate myself for what I did. I was stupid and selfish and it cost me everything, and oh, look, that's all I care about, what it cost me? What about Mallya? She reached out and I did nothing. Nothing. I never found the right words. "the right words", bitch what the fuck. Anyway, so instead of dealing with my life, which is shit, I am just going to go back into my head. Inside at least I can imagine I am someone else. I have become obsessed with anything that is not real. I will watch Moon Knight for the thousandth time. The outside world is becoming unbearable. "Oh Leora dear, how are you doing? I heard what happened, what a loss! How terrible!" thank you Sharon, your words are really comforting, thank you! I swear to God, people are just stupid. How do they live? I am surprised no one murdered my neighbor, that Sharon woman. Her poor husband. Maybe he's just as crazy as her. I don't know, honestly, my thoughts spiral so quickly. I cant make sense of my mind. Tomorrow I have school again and I really don't feel like it. Its getting on my nerves. I should probably head to sleep now, its already 3 am...
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"Where did I put my phone?" The bus was coming in five minutes, and Leora needed to get out of the house quickly. She looked on her dresser, on her bed, then left the bedroom and was now searching the living room.
"Where would I put it?" she asked, as she flung some pillows off the couch.
"Maybe you left it on your bed?" her mother asked, holding a cup of coffee while leaning on the kitchen's counter.
"I checked." She snapped, frustrated. "It's nowhere! And I the bus will be here in a few minutes!" she looked under the couch, aside from the missing Lego truck her brother was crying about last night, only a few dust bunnies occupied the space.
"Maybe you set it down when you put your shoes on?" her mother asked as she put the mug down and grabbed some tuna spread to make a sandwich.
She stood up with a jerk and looked at her mother, her hair fell on her face, and she moved it out of the way with her hand.
"Maybe..." she said, and she quickly skipped over to the stairs where her phone was sitting in plain sight.
"Found it!" she yelled and ran towards the door, flinging her backpack over her shoulder. "Love you mom!" she shouted as she went through the door and headed out,
"Love you too!" she heard as she slammed the door behind her.



The bell rang just as she walked into class. She quickly walked over to her usual spot in the back. the classroom was loud, the boys seemed excited about something one of them was holding, she didn't bother to check what it was.
"Get that thing out of here!" one girl yelled, "It's disgusting!" some other girls joined in.
"Relax, he's harmless Melissa!" her boyfriend Alex said, as he held up the thing. Leora could see the tail of a little lizard between his fingers. She decided not to interfere and sat down in her chair.
"Hey Talia." She said to her friend sitting at the desk across from her,
"Oh, hi" Talia answered smiling, as she took out her notebook and pencil case from her bag, "how's it going?"
But just as Leora was about to answer, Mr. Bennet walked in.
"Okay." He said, as he walked towards his desk, "Would you like to put that lizard out of the window, Alex?"
Alex quickly walked to the window complaining, while the class sat down, and gently placed the lizard on the outer ledge and closed the window behind it.
"Thank you," the teacher said, as he sat down behind his desk.
Mr. Bennet was of average height; his greying hair was neatly combed but a few rebellious strands sticking out. His sleeveless sweater atop an off-white buttoned shirt made him look as if he just stepped out of a small bookstore where he suggests novels to the usuals.
"Alright," he said, "today we'll be diving into something a little more interesting than last week's economics, well- at least I hope it is."
A few students groaned at the memory.
"Today we'll be talking about revolutions." He smirked. He got up and wrote on the board "Revolutions" with his slanted handwriting. Or at least that's what Leora assumed he wrote; his handwriting was as bad as her knowledge in history.
"What do you think makes a revolution?" he asked, turning to the class, "Is it about fighting? Is it about ideas? Or is it just a bunch of people getting fed up?"
Silence.
Leora tapped her pencil on her closed notebook. She looked over to the one empty seat in class, Mallya would have loved to discuss this, she thought. Her eyes wandered to Mr. Bennet, who was still waiting for an answer. She would have had some kind of witty response that would have made everyone laugh, but now...She shut her eyes, over, next. She looked up again and raised her hand,
"isn't it when people want to make changes but like people in power don't listen?" she said.
"Correct!" Mr. Bennet said smiling, pointing with the chalk in his hand... but Leora didn't listen after that. She opened her notebook, bits of writing peeping out between doodles and cartoon drawings. She flipped onto a new page and started drawing a character, it had weird long arms that dragged on the floor, his mouth slightly open, his whole face distorted in a sort of panicked look, as if he just woke up with long arms and didn't know what to do with them. She went on to draw weird people with only eyes for faces staring at him blankly. She chuckled as she drew one with a tongue sticking out, drooling. But just as she started on the background, the bell rang.
The whole class burst into noise. She closed her notebook and put it aside. Around her, kids were talking loudly. She ignored all the commotion and took out her sandwich of PB&J's.
She dragged her chair near Talia and sat back down.
"So, how's it going?" she asked. Digging into her lunch.
"I drew you, "Talia smiled, showing her open notebook, it was a crude drawing but hilarious. In the drawing, Leora was sitting over her notebook, her tongue sticking out, her hands disproportionally big and hairy, her eyes popping out. She laughed out loud.
"Nah, I don't look like that!" she protested, "I am way hairier, and you forgot the beard."
Talia laughed and quickly threw on some scraggly lines on the chin in the drawing. They started laughing, but suddenly Leora was jolted.
"Oh, sorry!" someone said. She looked up, it was Tyler, his Stanger Things T-shirt stuck on a screw in her chair. he quickly released it.
"I'm sorry," he said again moving his tawny hair out of his face. "How's it going?" he asked.
"We're fine," Leora answered, "how 'bout you?"
"Great," he answered, "I'll catch up to you in science." He said and walked off to Alex, who seemed to have found the same lizard again and was now placing is gently into the teacher's drawer in the desk.
Leora spent the rest of the break chatting with Talia. It wasn't long before the bell rang again. She got up and put her notebook back into her backpack with a sigh.
"See you at math," Talia said behind her. Leora slung her bag over her shoulder as she turned around.
"See you," she smiled back. she turned towards the classroom door and her face quickly dropped again.
In science class she usually sat at the front. This time she chose to sit a little further back. she sat down and put her backpack on the back of her chair. Next to her, the chair was empty. The class was almost full now, the kids around her were chatting loudly.
"Alright!" a loud voice boomed from behind. Mr. Grant walked into the classroom with heavy steps, "Settle down, class." He said.
Everyone sat down. The door suddenly opened, and Tyler rushed in.
"Sorry," he said quickly as he came up to the front of the class and sat down next to Leora. Mr. Grant eyed him for a moment.
"Alright." He said again, as he walked around his desk and wrote on the board "protein synthesis".
"Hi," Tyler said in her ear. She turned to look at him.
"Hi." She said back, smiling slightly.
Tyler always sat next to her in science ever since 10th grade. They soon became friends over the fact that science was the one subject they were both good at. Leora sucked at basically everything else.
The class was boring this time. It turned out protein synthesis wasn't fun at all. She doodled in her notebook for the rest of the class, only exchanging some snickering comments back and forth with Tyler, who decided he needed entertainment besides the ribosomes life story in the human body.



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911 operator: "911, what's your emergency?"
Leora: "Uh, hi. I uh, I just got a text from my friend, and it's really weird. s-she isn't answering her phone. And- and she's not home and her parents don't know where she is, I'm really worried."
911 operator: "Okay slow down, take a deep breath, what's your friend's name and what is the situation exactly?"
Leora: "Mallya, she- she won't answer her phone. She texted me, here, she said 'I'm sorry, I love you.'... and- and she was acting weird lately... and her parents said that she went out, but they never know anything! It's just-"
911 operator: "Okay, I understand you're worried. where are you right now?"
Leora: "I don't- I'm near her sister's place, she crashes there sometimes. I'm going to check."
911 operator: "Alright, don't go there alone. Stay on the line. Would you like to give me your location so I can send officers to you?"
Leora: "N-no, it's alright. I'm sorry. It's probably nothing... I just... I just thought something was off. It's probably nothing. I'm sorry."
911 operator: "Ma'am, please stay on the line- "
Leora: "No, it's okay. I'll go. I'm sorry."
Leora quickly hung up. She looked around her. She shivered. The cold wind piercing her thin jacket. She slipped her phone back into her pocket. The street was mostly empty at this time at night. The streetlight above her flickered. She started towards the building, the windows of the cars parked on the side of the road reflecting her hurried steps and she walked by.
The building was a pretty recent construction. it was just 4 stories tall, industrial, with exposed bricks. Leora forced herself to take a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. She slid the door open. inside it was much warmer. The lobby was empty, save for a few dusty plastic plants in the corner.
She could feel her heart thumping loudly in her chest, the silence in the lobby only amplifying it. She moved her bangs out of her face, her fingers shaking. She quickly gripped them into a fist. She started towards the elevator, the sound of her boots echoing through the building.
"Come on!" she stammered as she frantically pressed the button. She looked up. 'Level 2' the screen said.
Finally, the doors opened, and she stepped in.
"Four, come one. Level four!" she pressed the button again and again until the elevator doors closed behind her. She looked up. Her sweaty face reflecting back at her in the mirror. She looked awful. Her hair stuck to her forehead, her nose red from cold. She took a deep breath and turned around facing the doors.
The elevator slowly climbed up. The screen at the time changing every few seconds; 2... 3... 4.
The elevator came to a halt and the doors moved wide open. Leora stepped out onto the carpeted hall. She has been here before. Mallya liked hanging out in the apartment when her sister was out of town. Tonight was the same occasion. Her sister drove down to Milwaukee for a few days to coordinate some wedding event for some rich folk, and Mallya loved the quiet place.
Leora quickly walked down the hall. The sound of her steps muffled by the thick carpet. She reached the wooden door.
'38'.
"Please be alright," she muttered under her breath, "okay, calm down... it's alright." She straightened her back and knocked.
Nothing.
She knocked again, louder this time. Still nothing. She covered her eyes with her hands and took a deep breath. She took out her phone and slipped into messages.
The text hung in front of her eyes. Short and blunt.
"I'm sorry. I love you."
She looked at the words. Not able to process what they might mean. If only Mallya could just open the door right now. She knocked even harder.
Lately Mallya was acting a bit strange. She would sometimes get into depressive episodes where she wouldn't leave her house or talk to anyone for days. This time around, Leora assumed she would bounce back to her usual self like she always does. She just gave her the space she needed. But this time was different. Mallya started saying weird stuff, but she brushed it off. Leora didn't want to push it; she was scared she would just upset Mallya further... she didn't want her to close off to her. Especially not at a time where she needed her most.
Leora lifted her fist again and knocked. She waited a few seconds in silence. Still no answer.
"Screw this." She said as she bent down and punched in the code to the house.
#8391. Leora saw Mallya press those keys enough times that she remembered them without even trying. The door slowly creaked open. Inside only a dim light was on. She stepped in, closing the door behind her.
This is wrong, she thought, I shouldn't be here.
The apartment seemed empty. All she could here was a low humming noise. She put on the flashlight on her phone.
What am I doing? She asked herself. She took a few steps forward. She felt stupid. She was breaking into someone else's house. If Mallya is just hanging out somewhere, and then discovers Leora broke into her sister's house in the middle of the night... that would be so embarrassing. But she couldn't think of that now. She Is just going to look around real quick and get out of there. She stepped quietly pass the living room and down the hall, her boots squeaking on the tiled floor. The light under the door of the bathroom was on.
Leora took a deep breath. She dialed 911 but kept her thumb hovering above the call button as she slowly slid the door open.
She jumped in fear when a loud noise startled her. she saw a half empty bottle of scotch whiskey rolling on the white tiles, it's brown liquid staining the pink bathroom mat. She used the tips of her fingers to push the door all the way open.
What met her eyes would haunt her for the rest of her days. Mallya was lying on the floor. Her eyes were half open, showing only the whites. Her face was a sick pale blue, her neck was propped up against the side of the tub. Her brown hair covering half her face.
For a moment, Leora just stood there. Her trans seemingly disrupted by the sound of her phone hitting the floor. She looked down at the cracked screen, 911 still dialed.
In one quick move she stepped forward and crouched next to Mallya's spread-out body. She took her hand, it was cold. She tried to find her pulse. She lifted her hand and underneath Leora saw an empty pill bottle.
"No, no, no, no." she said frantically, her fingers fumbling. she looked up, Mallya's face was blank.
"Wake up!" she yelled, "Mallya!" she shook her arm. "Mallya, please! Please wake up!"
Mallya's head slopped further down. Leora crawled back and grabbed her phone. She pressed the green call button.
The phone rang a few times before it was answered.
"911, what's your emergency?"
"My friend is passed out! She isn't breathing, I can't wake her up-"
"Where are you now? Give me your address."
"It's 19B Milwaukee Drive-"the phone slid out of her hand, landing on the floor. The cracked screen only getting worse. She grabbed the phone quickly.
"It's apartment 38, fourth floor, please hurry!" her hands were shaking. she peered into the dark hallway, and back to Mallya laying on the floor.
"Help is on the way." The operator said, "where is your friend now?"
"she's here- uh, she's lying on the bathroom floor, I found her here. There's an empty pill bottle on the floor, and some alcohol-" Leora felt like she couldn't breathe, "She's, she is all pale- ", she tried to inhale, but the breath got stuck in her throat. "She isn't wakin-" she tried speaking, but her voice broke into a sob.
"Calm down, take a deep breath. Are you in any immediate danger?"
"N-no, I'm fine-"she blurted, "What do I do?" she yelled frantically into the phone.
"I want you to tell me, is her chest rising, does she have a pulse?"
"No, I checked." Leora felt her heart thumping in her head. Her breathing quick and shallow.
"Okay, I need you to perform CPR right now. Are you able to do that? If you're not trained I can walk you through it-"
Leora dropped her phone on the floor. She grabbed Mallya by her arm and dragged her sideways. Her head thumped loudly onto the floor.
"Sorry," she mumbled, "I'm sorry."
She placed the heel of her hand on Mallya's chest and interlocked the fingers of her left hand on top. She straightened her back and started doing chest compressions.
"Hello?" she heard the operator on the phone behind her. "Ma'am?"
"I'm-" she tried breathing in, "I'm doing CPR."
Leora counted 120 compressions before giving two rescue breaths. She could hear the operator on the other side saying stuff, but she didn't listen. she went back and started on the second round of chest compressions.
Leora couldn't tell how long she has been sitting there. It was a cycle of compressions, then a few rescue breaths, and back to CPR. She used every ounce of strength in her arms, until she felt a crack.
"I'm sorry," she said. But she kept going.
She heard sirens in the distance. She hoped they would get there quickly. The sirens grew closer, until finally, they stopped. Two minutes later she heard running in the hallway.
"EMS! WHERE IS SHE?" the door to the apartment was flung open. Quick feet came in.
"IN HERE!" she yelled, "IN THE BATHROOM!"
She looked up just as the first paramedic stepped in.
"Step back." he ordered, "tell me what happened!"
Leora quickly got out of the way as the second medic rushed into the small bathroom.
"I found her like this," she said, her voice shaking, "I think she took all those pills." she pointed at the empty bottle.
The first paramedic was now kneeling beside Mallya, taking her vitals.
'Unresponsive. No pulse. Starting compressions."
The second medic was now on the floor as well, opening his pack. A third medic stepped in.
"Please step outside." He said.
She quickly complied, as the medic walked in and knelt on the floor. With the sound of plastic ripping, he opened a defibrillator. She looked away.
"Hook up the pads!" she heard as the medics ripped Mallya's shirt.
"Charging."
Leora gripped the wall behind her.
"CLEAR!"
Her heart skipped a beat. She heard a jerk. she put her hands in her ears and closed her eyes.
"Ma'am!" someone shook her, she didn't look. "Look at me. ma'am?"
She couldn't budge. someone was holding onto her shoulders, his deep voice echoing in her ears.
"I need you to talk to me." He said, his voice softening. She opened her eyes slightly. A cop was standing in front of her, his blue eyes staring into her own.
"Are you injured?" he asked. She didn't answer. She shook her head.
"Do you want to come with me to the living room we could sit down?" he asked gently. She nodded and slowly walked towards the couch. She sat down. Her eyes fixated on a random spot on the wall. The cop sat on the coffee table in front of her. In the room were another 3 cops, talking between themselves.
"Did you see what happened?" the cop asked her. She started nodding, but then shook her head.
"So, you didn't see what happened?" he asked again.
"I came here, to check, and-"she tried breathing, "she was there, on- on the floor." She couldn't inhale. She felt everything closing in on her. The noise was loud. The sirens, the people. She could still here the medics in the bathroom, yelling orders, a stretcher was being rolled into the apartment.
"It's alright," the cop said, "breathe for me, okay?"
She tried. She tried breathing, she couldn't. every breath got stuck midway, her hands were shaking, she could feel the sweat rolling down her back.
Soon the stretcher rolled out again. She closed her eyes until they wheeled her best friend out of the apartment. She got a glimpse of some neighbor staring at the commotion from the hallway outside. A cop closed the door in his face.
"Is she going to be okay?" her shaky voice broke mid-sentence.
"I don't know," said the cop. "Let's hope, alright?"
Leora didn't know how long they sat there. She stared at the floor as people walked in and out. People talking over the radio. She tried to breath. Her stomach hurt, and her eyes felt dry.
"Can you tell me what you saw?" the cop finally said.
She told him everything. Even the part where she broke into the apartment. She figured it didn't matter. They weren't going to arrest her for that. The cop stopped her a few times to ask more questions, and she answered accordingly.
"Do you want to call someone?" he asked when he was done, "your mom, or a parent?" she shook her head. She couldn't bare talking to her mom right now. She didn't have the strength to calm her down. She would be screaming into the phone; Leora did not want to deal with her right then.
"That's alright." He said.
Her stomach turned. She looked back at the corner on the floor. The cops were talking between themselves. They went back and forth from the bathroom to the living room.
The air was heavy. She felt as if she was breathing led. Her foot was tapping the fleece carpet on the floor, while her hands fidgeted.
A phone rang. The cop sitting beside her answered the call on his phone.
"Sargent Bradely." He said.
His body tensed up.
"Yes," he said thoughtfully, "I understand."
Leora studied him as he hung up the phone. He sighed and shifted his gaze to her.
"I'm really sorry," he said, "she didn't make it."
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I don't think I'm okay. I know that if other people saw this they'll probably think like, "this girl needs help." But I still don't feel like I do. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I keep going to school, and I feel like there is a big difference between the girl who goes to school and behaves normally, to the girl that is actually me. It's like watching the life of someone else unfold behind foggy glass doors. I don't feel alive. It's as if I don't actually exist. I don't know anything. I have absolutely no idea what's going on. I feel awful. And I can't figure out anything, I just can't understand what is going on with me. Look at me, complaining about myself to myself. It annoys me the amount of "I"s in here. I keep writing about myself. All I think about is myself. I did this, I feel that I don't know shit. Okay but like, what else would I talk about? I don't know. Oh, here we go again you don't know. Why am I even angry at myself? This is just stupid. I should calm down... I should take this step by step. I want to say it's going to be alright, but I don't actually think so. But whatever. my head hurts. I can feel my heart thumping in my chest. It's not comfortable. I should go. Unfortunately, I actually have to go back to school tomorrow.
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"Don't you have school today?" her mother said, her bleached hair was blown out and frizzy after the latest perm washed out. She was standing in the doorway to her room, coffee mug in hand.
"Yeah," she answered from under the covers, "I'm getting up in a minute."
Her mother didn't budge from the doorway.
"Can you leave? I will get up in a minute." She asked. It was nice and warm under the heavy blanket. It was raining today and really all she wanted was to stay cozy forever.
"Come on." Her mother exhaled as she walked into her room, "If you are going to get up, then get up."
"I am!" she said annoyed, "Just leave my room for a minute!"
"You live in a dump!" her mother exclaimed as she picked up some marvel comics off of her carpeted floor.
"Please don't touch my stuff," she stammered, "it's all in the right place, this is all very organized."
"No' it's not." Her mother put her comic on a shelf in her closet.
"Oh my god, mom!"
She pulled her blanket aside and jumped out of bed.
"Stop messing with my stuff!" she was furious. She grabbed the comics off the shelf and threw them loudly back on the floor.
"What is wrong with you?" her mother snapped, staring at Leora with eyes wide open. She bent over again and picked up a grey hoodie, "and this?" she asked disappointed, "Is this dirty laundry?"
"No!" Leora cried out as she snatched the hoodie out of her mother's hand, "can you get out please? I need to get dressed."
"Jeez," her mother raised her eyebrows in a startled expression, "Okay, I'll leave. But you should clean your room."
"I won't!" Leora yelled in frustration as she slammed the door behind her.
She was furious, as she stood with her back to the closed door. Her room was a mess, she knew, but everything was in place for her. She didn't want to clean it, and she won't. her mother can deal with it, it isn't her room anyway. With a grumble she turned the key in the door and locked it.
When she came down the stairs twenty minutes later, her mother was standing in the kitchen making her little brother's lunch. She usually didn't see him in the morning because he got to sleep in later because her mom enrolled him in a day care that starts at noon.
She walked past the kitchen quietly while putting on a black denim jacket. The rain had stopped, and she was hoping it would turn sunny later.
"Good morning to you too." Her mother said from the kitchen, her back facing Leora.
"Morning." She said without turning around. She slung her bag over her shoulder.
"Don't you want to take something to eat?" her mother asked.
Leora stopped in her tracks, "No, I'm fine, I'll just buy something at school." She turned to open the door, "Bye, mom." She shut the door behind her. She stood on the porch for a solid minute after realizing she left early. The air was cold and stung her face. She slowly walked down the steps onto the wet pavement. She looked at her watch, it read 7:42. The bus will be arriving around the corner in another twenty minutes. She contemplated going back inside and making a quick coffee. She looked back to the white door, its paint peeling, a lame plastic Christmas wreath hanging there since December. She scrunched her face. Finally deciding to continue walking. As she arrived at the bus stop she decided to walk to the next stop a mile a way and catch the bus there.
When she arrived at school the bell hasn't rung yet. Leora slowly walked into the classroom and sat in her seat. As she looked around, she noticed Talia wasn't there yet. The classroom was mostly empty, loud noises were coming from the hallway, people talking, fighting, whatever was on the menu this morning. She put her bag on the table and laid her face on top. Sideways, she noticed someone walking towards her.
"Hey," he said, she recognized the voice.
"Hey Tyler," she yawned as she looked up and stretched her arms. He grabbed a chair and dragged it next to her.
"Look what I bought." He said excitingly. He was holding a moon knight comic by Jeff Lemire.
"Oh cool!" she said and snatched it out of his hand. She flipped to the first page, in the first box Marc Spector was laying on a cot in a mental hospital. Leora's heart pinged. She felt something between anticipation and unease. She wanted to dive into the story, alone. The imagery struck close to home, but it would have to wait.
"This looks good," she exclaimed, "I like the art style."
"I know right!?" he said as he took back the comic. "You could borrow it, if you'd like, after I read it first."
"Sure, thank you." She smiled as she lay her chin on her bag that was still on the desk. Her heart fluttered in her chest, silently hoping he would finish it quickly. she didn't want to seem weird, but she really wanted to read it to see what happens to Marc in the story.
"Did you not sleep last night?" he asked as he rolled up the comic and let it frail open, "you look tired."
"Thank you." she said sarcastically. She really didn't sleep much, she ended up watching YouTube videos until 3 AM somehow. (we all know how. Cheap dopamine hits).
Tyler lowered his eyes.
"Are you doing okay?" he asked.
the question threw her off center. She looked at him. his fingers fumbled over the cover of Moon Knight, creasing the corner.
"Yeah, I'm alright," she answered, "It's been a long week." She rubbed her eyes.
"Yeah, it's been." he said exhaling, "three tests in one week is really pushing it."
She nodded in agreement. He turned his gaze to her. He bit his lip, his face pondering.
"But seriously," he lowered his voice, "how are you holding up?"
Leora exhaled loudly. She wasn't sure what to say.
"I've been better," she smiled slightly, "I'm a bit of wreck lately, I'm not gonna lie."
Tyler nodded. "I hear," he said, scratching his thumb with his index finger, "it's a hard thing-", he hesitated, "I mean, for you, it's definitely not easy... Losing anyone is hard."
"Yeah," she lowered her voice, her tired face wore a slight frown, "yeah, it is hard."
She sat up and stared at her fingers. "I miss her." She said in a quiet voice, "and only two months have passed, but everyone kinda expected me to move on, but I still miss her."
She looked up at Tyler with a half-smile. The comic was sitting in his lap. He looked back at her, a slightly pained expression on his face, pinching his lower lip. His eyes quickly glanced to a point behind her and then back to her.
"I- I'm sorry," she said sheepishly, "I'm sorry for dumping on you."
"No, it's totally okay," he answered, lowering his hand to his lap, "Don't apologize for that. Seriously. It's totally normal to miss her, hell, I miss her, and she was your best friend." He called out in dismay.
"Thank you," she said quietly with a small smile, her eyes dreary.
"I mean it though." He insisted.
"If you give me that comic today, it will help a lot." She emphasized, as she reached out her arm slowly towards the comic. Tyler quickly held it above his head, out of reach.
"No, no!" he said, "you can't trick me."
Leora tried snatching it again, giggling.
Just then the bell rang. Students began coming in from outside chatting loudly. Still no sign of Talia.
Tyler looked towards the door; Alex just came in carrying his skateboard.
"Gotta go," he said as he got up, "see you." He skipped quickly to greet Alex holding up his new comic in hand. Leora chuckled as she placed her hands under her chin and leaned on her desk.
Just as the teacher walked in, Talia rushed in from behind him, sitting at the desk across from Leora. They exchanged looks.
"Hey." Talia said as she hurriedly grabbed her notebook out of her backpack and opened a new page.
Leora waved her fingers at her, a small smile on her face.
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"When was the last time you spoke to her?" Sargent Bradely asked. She was now standing in the hallway of the building. Cops and investigators were walking to and from the apartment. She has been standing there for thirty minutes now, after she finally called her mom. As expected, Leora found herself trying to calm her down. She said she'll come over and pick her up, and now she was waiting in the entrance to the building.
Leora felt sick. Her stomach turned and twisted. She threw up inside the apartment, a pile of puke now covered the carpet. She felt a crushing weight on her chest, her head throbbed violently. Her eyes were puffed up and red. It all felt unreal. The cops surrounding her, the yellow tape, this was not happening. It can't be real.
"Ma'am?"
"Uh- yeah, um, she texted me this earlier," she held her phone out, the screen was so badly cracked she had to scroll to the top of the screen for the text to be visible.
"I'm sorry. I love you."
"I'll take a quick picture of that." The cop said, holding up his phone. the shutters clicked.
She put her phone away in her jacket. She turned her head peered into the apartment, a sob escaped her mouth and she quickly looked away. She held her face in her hands, breathing slowly. She could feel warm tears trickling down her cheeks.
"Sorry," she said. As she wiped her tears.
"Nothing to be sorry for." The cop said in a soft voice.
"It's just a little-" she exhaled, "I see her there... and she told me, she told me she was struggling and I wasn't able to stop her." Her voice cracked. She felt her throat closing. Her cheeks were stinging in pain.
She stood there, for another ten minutes, answering questions. When finally, it was done, the cop gave her a number for a hotline she could call. She thanked him abruptly, writing it down on her phone, knowing she would never call.
Leora was then escorted outside of the building. Her mother was pacing on the curb, cigarette in hand. When she saw Leora come out, she quickly put it out.
"Babe!" her mother cried as she quickly ran up to Leora and hugged her tightly.
"Oh my god! Babe, this is horrible- just horrible." She sounded devastated, her voice frantic.
Leora didn't hug back. Her hands hung limp at her sides.
She broke free from the hug. "Can we just go home?" she asked.
"Of course!" her mother opened the door for her next to the driver's seat. Leora walked to the car and sat inside. She carefully put her seatbelt on as her mother climbed into the seat beside her.
"I'm so sorry," her mom said, "this is so sad. Mallya-" she sniffed, "She was such a sweet girl. Remember that time when she helped me with the Halloween decorations? She was so help-"
"Mom, please, not now." Leora said quietly. She sunk into the seat. She looked out the windshield, not fully realizing what had just happened.
"Oh, okay." Her mom said, "it's alright, this is hard for all of us."
Leora felt as if she was punched in the gut. She slid even further in her seat. She knew her mother meant well, that she just wanted to comfort her, to be there for her, but their pain wasn't equal. It wasn't hard for her nearly as much as it was for Leora. She would live the rest of her life, rethinking what could she have done different, while her mom was just going to go back to her life in a few days like nothing happened.
"It is." Leora did everything in her power to keep her voice from cracking. "So please."
Her mom turned the key and started the car. She put on Waze even though she lived in this neighborhood for the past ten years. The way back home was quiet. Leora looked out the window as it started raining. The water droplets running down the windshield as the wipers did their best to keep up. The streetlights shining through the haze on the dark roads.
Leora felt as if someone erased all her thoughts and then stuffed in coal instead. Her head felt heavy. She felt a pit in her stomach. An awful feeling filling the void that now resided in her heart.


































































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I don't want to go like this, at least let me clean my room. I don't want to leave like this, cause the last thing I want to do is make my people make decisions wondering what to do, should they keep it on display or redecorate?






Leora looked around her room. Her marvel comics were still on the floor, her hoodie was hanging from her chair. Her desk was messy with school papers and homework, her calculus problems remained unsolved. There were tangled chargers and cords on the floor. Her backpack with its contents were sprawled out on her unmade bed. Her shelves were full of unfolded laundry.
She got up from her place on the floor. She picked up the cords and untangled them. she walked to her desk and put them neatly in the second drawer. She grabbed her bag from the bed and put back all its contents, and then put it away in the corner of the room. She lifted the comics and put them up in the shelves. She folded her laundry and sorted out her clothes. She then finally sat down at the desk, calculator in hand, and went through the math problems, figuring them out. Almost two hours passed before she finished solving all the homework. When she was done, she got up and sat on her bed. She looked across her room, clean and still. All her things neatly organized.
She felt calm. A slight breeze came through the window, ruffling her hair softly. She smiled. Everything was perfect.
She looked up to the clock, it read 1:39. Two hours to go.