The Lie Within the Line - Critique

         
         
What I am looking for:


Originality-How original was this story? A one means that the story is clich while a ten means that it has at least a few ideas I haven't encountered before.


Setting- How well was the setting developed? A one means that the setting wholly disappeared from the story or that I felt confused about where and when the tale occurred in one or more scenes. The author should involve all the senses in describing their setting. A ten means that the setting is well-developed and informs every story aspect--from character development to tone and narrative style. In a story rated ten, the setting itself is a powerful draw for the story, and the author succeeded in transporting me into the tale.


Characterization- How well-drawn are the characters in the story? Good characters should convince us they grew up in the world or setting where we've placed them. They should have complex motives and imbued with conflicting attitudes about life, ethics, politics, etc. The characters should have friends, enemies, acquaintances, secrets, desires, and fears if applicable to the story. The character should have a physical body and a physical history. The character should have a family, of course, and some history, along with a place in society. In short, with a poorly drawn character, we know nothing about him by the end of the story. With a well-drawn character, we feel we know him intimately by the end of the story.


Conflict and Plot- How interesting are conflicts? Since the characters, along with their motives and abilities, really lead to a plot, one must also consider the twists and turns of the plot. How inventive are they? How exciting! How engrossing?


Emotional/intellectual payoff- How well did this story arouse potent emotions? Were they the proper emotions for the intended audience if they did arouse powerful emotions? The author should create an emotional symphony.


Theme- How well did this story speak to the reader? Does it raise interesting questions about life and provide profound insights?


Treatment- How masterfully was the tale written on a line-by-line basis? A poor story that earns a one might be difficult to read simply because of something like "pronoun reference problems" or typos and grammatical problems may mar it. The language is beautiful and evocative but also moves with effortless pacing. Too often, authors who write work too hard to impress the reader and end up cluttering the tale.


Jeremy:

Title:
LIVE LONG ENOUGH AND THE HERO caterpillar
BECOMES THE VILLAIN butterfly

Critique:

I used the above guidelines to review your Free Verse Poem, Live Long Enough, and the Hero Caterpillar Becomes the Villian Butterfly. I will give an example if it helps with what I am attempting to convey.

Originality-

Your entry was a wonderfully original poem. You incorporated the life cycle of the caterpillar/butterfly with abundant imagery one would not usually attribute to the larva stage and metamorphosis into the caterpillar. One of my favorite lines was in the third stanza:

The butterfly only longs for the sky.
So it takes to the wind,
a thief
parading in stolen sunlight...

When I first read this, I had to pause and marvel at its accuracy. The butterfly does indeed take the place of the caterpillar, stealing the sunlight under which the caterpillar once lived and thrived. Until you stated this, I never considered the caterpillar's reality.

Setting-

This setting could be in a field, secluded from humans, or someone's backyard. The plight of the caterpillar always plays out the same way. I felt the location was wherever my personal experiences placed it. In a way, I helped the butterfly become the poem's villain.

Characterization-

As I alluded to in the Settings section, through your writing and wording of the poem, my experiences helped build the characterization of the caterpillar and butterfly. You carefully worded the poem to lead the reader to experience life through the caterpillar's perspective into the butterfly's reality.

The world marvels at the miracle of the butterfly,
never stopping to mourn the caterpillar.
Sacrificial beauty is easier on the palate
than the bitterness of death is on the tongue.

These two sentences brought my attention to how the caterpillar's existence is dismissed because the butterfly receives the attention.

Conflict and Plot-

Without stating it outright, a continual conflict exists between the caterpillar and butterfly, even though one exists due to the other's efforts and life.

The pardoned butterfly never questions its freedom,
too busy feasting on flowers
unaware they've bloomed in caterpillar graveyards.

As I read this, the image of the butterfly on the same twig where the caterpillar gave its being so the butterfly could live on. This short stanza reminded me of a story I once read: a class of Juniors in high school went on a field trip to a site where a battle occurred during World War II. No one paid attention or listened to the older man describe the battle that took place on that very spot. Like the butterfly, the previous event didn't matter about the here and now.

Emotional/intellectual payoff-

I feel this is one of your strongest features in the poem. I state this because you compare and contrast the realities of each. Seeing the caterpillar's life and the butterfly's rebirth, I couldn't help but feel guilty because I hadn't looked at the metamorphosis in this light. This poem caused me to look at both realities and understand that both are miracles.

Theme-

This poem has become a favorite. I have read this over fifteen times and experienced new and different emotions. You looked at a natural occurrence and gave it new meaning by pointing out a different perspective.

Treatment-

The writing of this poem, using the stanza approach, brings attention to the words you carefully chose. It separates ideas and emotions from the previous stanza and prepares the reader for the next. This poem flowed as I read it aloud, blending your thoughts and feelings with an opportunity to be center stage until you moved to the next.


Jeremy, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Your poem was insightful, entertaining, and thought-provoking.
Thank you for sharing this.

John