Weighted Decisions

I’ve learned to isolate myself when things get bad. When emotions bubble over and I feel that I can’t speak. Like the very world would collapse if I so much as talk. If I walk funny if I hint at sadness. Isolation keeps me sane. I don’t deserve to be treated the way I am, but in the back of my head screams a voice that begs to differ. That the things I’ve done in my life have amounted to the way I’m treated.

Isolation. It heals me in places I’ve shattered. Like gluing a vase back together, the imperfect lines connecting with where it snapped off. “Marcus.” A voice cuts through to my ears. Eyes raising, I find Michael next to me. “Are you sure you want this? It feels too early, especially if you want this to blow off.” He says, stepping carefully around his words. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t told him, that he sees me differently. He’s definitely acting different, but he is right. This feels too soon. I would rather be at home, alone, safe. But my mom would ask questions, she’d worry about me, and I’m the last thing she needs to worry about.

“It's fine, I’m sure I won’t see her.” My eyes dart towards the floor as I walk. I don’t have the confidence to look up. Even just a passing glance from her would destroy me. Especially with the way I left things. Part of me wants to man up and tell her we are no longer together, and that she needs to move on. But I know her, I know she’ll ask questions; questions I’m not ready for. I’m not entirely sure if she knows what she did, or if she does and would do it again, either way, I don’t want to chat. “Seriously, if you need to leave, you can go to my house. My mom isn’t home and neither is Brahim.” Michael stated, making me feel guilty about my previous thoughts. “Thanks..” I replied a little flat. In truth, I hadn’t slept a wink. The morning after when I got home, I just grabbed my bag and walked the twins to school. Like a robot stuck on autopilot.

I hadn’t processed anything, I still felt gross, unclean, disgusting, and shameful. I was full of pity for myself and I needed to let it go. It was a one-time thing, it won’t happen again. I won’t let it. Maybe I wasn’t aggressive enough, maybe I could have said no louder. Did I say no? “Marcus.” I heard Michael say once again. I looked back at him to see his face mirror mine. “This is your class.” He seemed to repeat. I didn’t hear him the first time. I need to stop getting distracted by my thoughts, it won’t help any. “Sorry,” I said, walking back the couple steps and opening the familiar door. Michael stood there and watched me, I could feel his eyes boring into my back. This time when I met his eyes his expression was different.

It looked like pity, I didn’t need pity. It was deeper than that and I knew it, I’m just not ready to address it.

Classes flew past and before I knew it, it was 7th hour. One more class and I could go home. Michael walked beside me to 7th, I hung around the door as he talked with Sophia, taking as long as god willed. Sophia and him were cute, though he hadn’t said anything about her yet, I get the sense he likes her. I’ll let him tell me when he’s ready though. The walk to Spanish was silent, we didn’t speak a word, not that there was anything to say. My eyes felt heavy, it projecting into my footsteps. I felt that I was dragging myself to each class. If my grades were to slip because I’ve been distracted then maybe I’ll care. For now, I can live with the passing time.

Behind us, there was the sound of running. I looked over my shoulder to find where the noise was originating from and before I could comprehend who was rushing towards us, she was there standing right in front of me. “You’ve been ignoring me! Did you lose your phone? I’ve been so worried you idiot!!” Bianca said, slapping my chest so hard I stepped back. My ears were ringing and all I could do was look at her. “Answer me, Marcus! Why’d you leave??” She questioned. She stood there.. In front of me. She stood there.. she…

A lump had formed in my throat, growing like a tumor, infecting me. It was quiet. My breathing increased, and I felt my heart beat hard. It felt like it was going to run away, revving its engine to leave me here. Michael stepped in when she opened her mouth again. “Go to class Bianca.” He said, standing off to the side of me. I barely heard him over the sound of my chest going a mile a minute. “No! You don’t get to interject! I want him to answer me! He’s grown.” She pressed. “Why’d you leave..” I could hear the hurt in her voice. I didn’t think about her, did I? How she must be feeling. “I’m sorry.” I give in. “We are breaking up.” I relayed, watching her face change. “What!!?” Loud. “Why? What did I do? I’m sorry you got your dick all in a bunch? Maybe perform better if you are embarrassed about it.” That’s fine, stab me where it hurts. “So what? You came and that's it? Moving onto the next whore, is that it?” She raised her voice. “I didn’t know it was a no-strings-attached thing. We are dating Marcus! You can’t just decide we aren’t anymore because you are scared of a little intimacy.”

My chest stings and my eyes sizzle. She was talking so loud. A few people were starting to look. “How could I mean so little to you? I thought we were locked in but clearly, I was wrong! I’m soooo sorry you got butthurt, but you need to grow up. LOOK AT ME!! Why can’t you look at me!!” She strained, my eyes anywhere but hers. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. “You literally made the first move and you want to act like you are so innocent?” “Stop,” I said. “What? Now you want to talk? It's because you know I’m right.” She pushes back. “Can’t you read the room? He doesn’t want to talk. Stop fucking pestering and go to class Bianca.” Michael chimed in. “If he’s a real fucking man he would be denying what I’m saying, but he can’t can he? Because he knows deep down in his heart that I’m right.” “Shut the fuck up!” Michael yells, making more people look in our direction. I grabbed at his arm before walking away in the general direction towards class. “You are a fucking coward Marcus Santiago!! Just like your father!” She screamed, it echoing in the halls. Michael eventually walked with me, Bianca storming off.

A coward.. Like my father.