Temporary marriage insanity

Okay, when my husband, my soulmate, suddenly died at 54, I said "never again" as hr was my 4th attempt at finding Mr. Right but we all know how that goes. SO I told my friends that if I ever got married again it would be to a celebate, gay man, who liked to cook, clean and snuggle.
Well, that is SO not what I got.

I'm still not sure what I was thinking, I blame it on grief and loneliness 3 years after my soul mate died.

Husband #5 is so very different from anyone I've ever been with in the past, I'm surprised my children didn't have me committed. Let me explain.

I am usually attracted to handsome, intelligent, bad boys. Kevin #4, my soul mate, was not a bad boy but fit all the
other criteria. Handsome and intelligent but he had the audacity to drop dead.

My new husband - and I swear this is the last one - is not by any stretch of imagination good looking, he is not unintelligent, but he is uneducated. One of the things that makes me absolutely crazy is his grammer, if I hear one more "done did that" or "aint' no how" I think I'll shoot one of us. I'll have to flip a coin to decide which one. But I will try live with it. I just don't take him places where he'll be expected to make polite, intelligent conversation.

He is a dyed in the wool West Virginia "good old boy." He is missing the hillbilly requisite several teeth, all in the front of course. Oh, he has false teeth to fill them in, he just refuses to wear them. How do I handle it? Again, I don't take him places it will matter. Well except for that time we did have to go to a wedding for my grandnephew. A very "classy" affair. I bought him his first - EVER (and he will be 50 this year) suit. I made him wear his teeth, and told him not to speak unless spoken too. LOL My family - those who had not met him yet, were sort of shell shocked.

Until he met me, I do not believe the man bought an article of clothing in 30 years. He had tee shirts you could - no word of lie - read a newspaper through! I've slowly improved his wardrobe for which his mother is still thanking me. Not only were these clothes old and warn out, they no longer fit. He insisted on wearing his size 32 jeans that he bought when he was 20, but could not understand why they only fit under his large belly (the grandkids swore he was carrying twins!). So first I bought him bigger jeans (Too loose he cried, but funny thing, they still slid under the gut)
so then I bought him Suspenders. He frowned (“old men wear these”). I just nodded, said "trust me - put them on." He loves them! "Look! My pants stay up!"
Of course not believing that had anything to do with the now size 38 pants he was wearing.

He is of the "more is better" mentality. Need Olive oil? Why buy a nice small jar you can use before it turns rancid when for just 3 bucks more you can buy a gallon you will not use in this life time or the next. Or, why buy a six pack of coke when you can buy 5 cases. We have room right? Well with 2 freezers and 3 refridgerators one would surely hope so! I'm working on weeding down his penchant for buying in "quantity." I just frown and say "Ho
Dude, more is NOT better!" and he puts back most of the stacks of whatever it is he wanted to get, pouting the entire time.

But by far my 2nd biggest problem with him is procrastination. Now, I am the first card carrying member of the "Procrastinator's annonymous" group - or I should be. But he is SO worse than I am and with 2 of us, well you can just imagine. I won't even bother to describe how bad he is, suffice it to say we have a "family room"
that for the first 3 years was supposed to be "straightened up." And he has to do it becase it is all his stuff from before our "merger."

The clutter was so bad the grandkids at the time children, could no longer even make it through the mess to get to their computer or the playstations. It is a tossup as to which of us is the worst at this
procrastination thing, but I blame him and he blames me.

So, why you ask, did I marry him? Well, first he seemed to be the male version of me - albiet I have somewhat better teeth and enough education for both of us. He is 12 years younger than I am, and my kids thought that's great "wow mom, now HE can take care of you when your brain rots away and we won't have to!" LOL We both love to shoot pool, met in a bar, although neither of us drinks - at all - and we, at first, got along wonderfully, except, of course, of my tongue is often sore from having to bite it to keep from slapping him sometimes. Why? Well it's his humor, that is it just isn't - humor that is. If I say "I'm going to jump in the shower" and the 1st time he says "oh don't jump in you'll get hurt" it's cute, the 2nd ok, not so cute, the 200th? Well you get the picture....

But hey he was my nearly toothless, wierd, protrastinating, unfasthionable, gramatically incorrect hillbilly friend and I thought I'd keep him. I didn't.

I did stick it out for 7 years but as his idiosyncratic behavior got weirder and weirder - which I never thought could happen - I just couldn't handle it.

My 1st place problem? He, as it turns out, was a cross-dresser. Now, don't get me wrong, I would have had no problem with the concept if had even a smidgen of fashion sense, but NO! He insisted on dressing like a 2-bit hooker in clothes that I have no idea how he even got them on. Now, at first, I knew he dressed as a women on Halloween but until a few years later it became a full time thing except when he went to work.

As I got less tolerant in my old age, he began getting wierder and angrier, so I left before I really did shoot him. We parted friends but no longer live in the same region so he, much to the relief of my family, is no longer a blip on the radar.

The moral of the story is 8 years later I discovered I'd be happier alone in my life than with a partner? Wish I'd known that 58 years ago!