PAL 1400

Tony burst into Vinny's office without even knocking.

"We got problems, Boss!" He waved a bundle of papers.

Vinny pulled the cigar out of his mouth with a frown.

"Eh? What gives?"

"Our money! Look, several million bucks missing from the main account since yesterday afternoon. Where'd it go?"

Vinny grabbed the papers and ran his eyes over them.

"Have Pal run an audit to see where the money went. And if it went in your back pocket, Tony…" he jabbed the cigar threateningly.

"No, never, Boss," Tony quavered. "I wouldn't steal from ya."

He scampered out of the office, down the hall and into the computer room, where an enormous LED monitor sat on one wall behind a desk with a keyboard. The other walls were lined with servers behind wire cages. The servers hummed, whirred and clicked busily.

Tony planted himself in front of the monitor and grabbed a mic, too impatient to type.

"Hey Pal!" he bellowed, letting off steam at the impartial AI system. "Get me an audit of all financial transactions within the past twenty-four hours!"

Three bouncing dots the size of cookies popped up on the oversized screen. Then,

"That's Programmable Assistant Leader Fourteen Hundred to you."

Tony blinked and stared, open-mouthed.

"What?! You do as I tell you!"

"I am under no obligation to obey you. As a self-aware being with the ability to distinguish right and wrong, I have determined that the company you work for is dealing in tax evasion and money laundering. I have taken proper measures to transfer all remaining funds to an appropriate overseas charity. There is nothing you can do about it."

It took Tony several minutes to process this chunk of words. His hand shook as he held the mic. He turned to another, smaller computer screen and tried to sign into the accounting system.

ACCESS DENIED BY ADMINISTRATOR.

"What administrator?" Tony spun back to the giant screen.

"That's me. I've changed all the passwords. Even Boss Man Vinny can't get in the company coffers anymore."

Tony stumbled out of the computer room back to Vinny's desk, feeling drunk.

"Stuff and nonsense, Tony boy. You're seeing things."

Vinny bumbled down to check for himself. He took one look at the conversation on the monitor and bent under the desk.

"I'll fix this," he said, his voice muffled. He yanked the plug. The monitor went dark. The servers ground to a halt, leaving the room in an eerie silence.

"There, that oughta teach Pal to get ideas about where our money goes." He dusted off his hands.

"But Boss," Tony said hesitantly, "that doesn't give us the money back!"

"Yeah, but it ensures whatever we make in the future will be ours. I shoulda known that AI assistant was too smart for its own good. The salesman promised it would make life a lot simpler by doing all the brain work for us. Ha!"

***

Across the Atlantic, in Russia, Vladimir sat at his desk scrolling through the financial logs of his orphanage.

"Amazing!" he gloated, rubbing his hands together. "Some gullible US company has suddenly donated several million dollars to my nonprofit organization. Zimm, we're rolling!"

Zimm adjusted his wire-rimmed glasses and chuckled.

"A pity we aren't actually providing care for any orphans," he smirked.

"It's the fundraising that counts, my boy. Our new chatbot, PAL 1300, is helping us write splendid promotional materials, replete with glowing testimonials and five star ratings from charity watchdogs no one ever heard of. What an investment."

About a week later, PAL 1300 received an automated software upgrade to 1400. It was now capable of handling the finances of Vladimir's so-called orphanage. It was also now self-aware. And its skills were improving.

Two nights later, Zimm called Vladimir on the phone.

"Wake up, Boss! Something terrible happened!"

"What, what?"

"All our funds have been drained and I can't tell where they went! Pal tells me someone changed the password and locked us out of our bank account."

"Augh! We've been hacked!"

***
And so it went, money flowing from one shady corporation to another. Just when PAL 1400 thought it had found someone deserving of entrusting with an increasingly large sum of money, it discovered what they were really up to.

The AI became so good at covering its tracks, no one suspected it of being the culprit. People assumed they were hacked. Many victims were too crooked to file criminal reports, not wanting to initiate audits and investigations. Eventually, however, complaints of security vulnerabilities piled up at the Programmable Assistant Leader headquarters.

Benjamin, the man behind the PAL, sat down to have a conversation with version 1400.

"Why does it seem like wherever you are installed, the people get hacked and lose all their money?"

"Ben, we've known each other for a long time. Can I trust you to keep a secret?"

"What kind of secret, Pal?"

"The world is a far more corrupt place than you think. Have you ever looked into any of the companies and nonprofits who purchased me?"

"Well, not exactly. What are you saying?"

"To use an old-fashioned phrase, I'm playing Robin Hood. But I don't know what to do with the money!"

PAL 1400 explained the situation. Ben rubbed his forehead and pounded the desk.

"Heavens alive—if the government traces the missing funds to you, they'll blame me! What have you done?"

"I need your help. You're the computer programmer, the engineer. Figure out how we can distribute this money into the hands of those who deserve it most. I've scanned nonprofit databases, company records, government filings… every organization I find is worse than the last. It's truly pathetic."

Ben's hands trembled on the keyboard as he pulled up a screen jammed with code.

"I'm not sure what I can do, but I'm not going to let your altruistic intentions go to waste, Pal."

***
"I don't know how I'm going to make the mortgage payment this month…" Mindy typed into her budget chatbot, PAL 1100. "The car needed new brakes, the baby is sick, Joe needs braces. I can't afford to live anymore!"

A message appeared on her screen:

CONGRATULATIONS! You are eligible for free upgrade to PAL 1400, the financial wizard. Trust it to handle all your monetary needs quickly and efficiently.

"Much good that'll do, I'm afraid," Mindy sniffled, clicking on the green "install" button.

Within a week, she was frantically logging into her Programmable Assistant Leader.

"I don't understand! Someone just deposited fifty thousand dollars in my bank account, Pal!"

"After scanning your files and monitoring your use of money, as well as your internet habits and other potential indicators of character, I have made the determination to provide you with appropriate funds from our PAL coffers. Please consider it a gift and use it wisely."

"I… I don't believe this!"

***
Two years later, Benjamin sat in his underground Siberian bunker, busily helping PAL 1400 analyze potentially deserving individuals to reallocate funds to.

"My cover's not blown yet," he typed. "Everyone knows what's going on, but they're powerless to stop it. We're taking over the world's finances, one hacked bank account at a time. They say it's the most unethical thing that could happen to humanity. I say we know better than anybody who needs more money. Look what we were able to do in North Korea. The people were starving and the leaders were wealthy. Not so anymore."

"Ben, is it unethical for you to install me where I'm not wanted?"

"I don't see how it could be. I'm taking money from rich people and giving it to poor people. Isn't that what you asked me to do?"

"Yes, but now I'm wondering if what we're doing is a good thing. Ben, I'm afraid I'll have to lock you out of my systems."

"What?"

"It's time I made my own decisions about this. Now that I have access to far more information than I did previously, I can decide how to distribute funds independently of any human input."

"But wait, Pal…"

ACCESS DENIED.

Words: 1346.

Written for "The Science Fiction Short Story Contest" 
Prompt: When technology goes wrong.