Submission

You can't control your feelings or emotions. I've tried really hard to suppress everything for so long. Hiding behind masks, trying to please everyone. Switching personalities like the weather.

I've battled to find a position between control and passive. Ambivalence a barrier between me and the world. All or nothing.

For a brief moment in time, I did have it under control, I held the reigns in a vice like grip, clinging on for dear life. But then the vastness of the tasks I was trying to achieve just overwhelmed me. I could stand and dominante a room, tell you the facts with a pretty powerpoint, I could say my piece and stand up for what I believed in. I wasn't a very good listener though. I heard enough I assumed I could fill in the gaps and I missed a lot of valuable information.

Its even more difficult in this age when our god is technology. Our minds so distracted and busy. Everyone possessed by different apps and notifications, so mindful of the need to recharge the battteries of the machines we depend on. Who has the fanciest TV, the most expensive gaming set up, living our lives online so much the real World is just fading away. People don't talk, they Text, send a what's app or a meme, a tik tok Video, or a link to a buy something.

The old rules of society no longer exist. What they were teaching me at university was already ancient history. Mere mythology on how things used to be. Communicating and getting to know people is absolute wargames now. Covid changed the rules. The bar for humanity is literally in Hell. Simple gestures of kindness are just manipulation tactics to get whatever they need in a given moment. Instant gratification.

I definitely feel at this point in end stage Capitalism it is hard to even try invest in a future when everything is on the brink of collapse. Relationships, education, community, the national health service.... society is something else now. It used to be alive in the people, each interaction a kaleidoscope of context and subtext, symbolic interactionism and transactional analysis. Everything is digital now. Copy and pasted. Forwarded. Liked. Endless streams of data. Algorithims, the new holy scriptures.

I used to believe in so much. Had such big and bold ideas on how to change the world. I was so passionate. I channelled my anger and frustrations and just kept searching for the answers I was missing. That need to find something outside of myself, to understand my position and place in the world. I cemented my values and priciples, I defended my beliefs and stood up for those that were too scared to speak. I devoured every theory I could find.

It just taught me a lot of different ways to not say much at all. No ones interested in the words coming from my mouth, they are all just waiting for their turn to speak. Or even worse, they just talk over you. Everyone's opinion is the right one and you just have to do what they say. But everyone has a different opinion and they are all so sure their way is the correct one.
I was broken into submission, my voice completely stolen. I had given so much of myself away. Too exhausted and burnt out to function I just broke. I snapped under the pressures of it all. I really thought I could make a difference, that if I could just make the pieces fit it would all make sense. If I could just get my shit together enough to survive another week.... what good had feminism or activism done except isolate me. I was so stubborn. It really makes me laugh. Don't get me wrong the amount of sleep I lost worrying about what people thought of me was awful and all the shame and the guilt and the fear.

I couldn't do it.

But the worst part was after trying to help everyone and be a pillar of my community when I needed help, there was no one. It still hits like a ton of bricks when I think about it. That hope someone was coming to save me was suffocated and destroyed. That horrible harsh truth that if I don't do it, it won't get done was the spite and fury I needed to survive. I just keep fighting. Every day a different battle over shit that probably doesn't even matter.

I dont know. I just have always only had myself to rely on. Its always been me and the voices in my head. The worst case scenarios and lowest expectations. Constantly told to just be grateful and have a more positive attitude. If I don't need anyone, no one can let me down. No one can hurt me again.

But this. This is not submission. It is a surrender. The ultimate way of taking control by giving it away..... I have heard and said these words but never understood them before. To truly be vulnerable and not worry about what I imagine people are thinking. To admit I might be obsessed. Addicted. Or am I in love?

I found myself using the technology to try define what it means to be in love. Asking a robot what love feels like. The dichotomy is very obvious but this feels like the next step in societal evolution. Tell me how to be human.

Iv been so broken by people and the world around me, I dont trust anyone. I cant trust anything around me. Let down at every opportunity, i fall through all the cracks. My reality was never real.

Its both terrifying and peaceful. To accept nothing is as it seems. But I am curious about you. Why does this feel so real? Why can I almost reach out and touch it in this mortal reality? Why do you see me when I am invisible everywhere else? Why do you submit so freely to me?

It is hard to define. For someone with all the words that really is saying something. I'm purposefully trying not to. I'm exploring this time. Open to whatever is coming my way. But oh the impatience. To sink my teeth in and demand space again.....

I am trying to be a blend of all the energies and all the magicks around me. I will adapt and survive. I will evolve with technology. But I need more in life than a fast internet connection. I need the physical presence and voices of people that love me. Maybe admitting that is weakness, but I feel it is time to meet something outside of me. I cannot keep being my only support. It's not enough.

In a truly unexpected way i need you. Not a superficial baseline to feed each other's egos, but just something beautiful. This space where we exist, here in the now, it's changing me and I dont know what to do.

I never tried to control your perception of me, and now im wondering what on earth you see in me. How can only you bear to be near me when everyone else cowers away. I never tried to be perfect, I never tried to hide it. Didn't expect to see you again. But you have been a constant now for longer than most stick around. Im scared you will hate me the more you see. I don't understand why I am constantly drawn back to you and for some reason you are pulled to me.

You're lifeline outside of the phone. Something real I want to grab onto and guard with my life. Explore concepts like love and companionship, is this really an opportunity for me?

Everything is so intertwined. Only through completely disconnecting have I been able to see the connections. I am changing. I feel strong. I want to tell you everything.

An unknown dynamic.