Disconnecting To Find Connections

I am searching for something im not sure even exists. As elusive as the happily ever after of fairytales, I search for community. To be fully integrated and connected to something so much bigger than myself. To be held safe and secure by people who love freely and trade in kindness.

I lost myself this past year. I truly let go and the only thing I realised is I am alone and no one cares. No matter how hard I tried to fit in I was always just too much but also never enough. For anyone.

I met my darkness and gave in. Without fear or judgment I explored. And it almost killed me. The rage and fury, the hurt and the pain its unthinkable. And yet it is hidden behind a bright exterior and some fantastisc patter. I am in so many pieces I dont even know what is real, what do I hold on to, what do I let go?

Its always just been survival. Against impossible odds with no direction. Plenty judgment and criticsm framed as constructive to improving myself but really it was just submission to try get people to like me.

This last year everyone has just gone away. Those tiny threads I held on to all gone. The Illusion of safety taken away. That denial inside was taken away and not only did I meet my anger and frustration, I met a softness. A gentle little soul inside me that so desperately wants to be loved. To have one person in this whole world think of me. I have also imploded nearly everything I have out of toxicity spilling out of me because I can no longer hide it.

I spiralled and have spoke to more people and met up with more than I have since I had kids. I have really tried to find a place in this world. I explored and did strange and dangerous things with awful and enticing people. I gave up everything to become something new.

And now I am lost.

I deleted all the apps I relied on for essentially pararsocial relationships. I cut out everyone that wanted me to be an echo chamber for their delusional bullshit.
Iv changed a lot this month. I cannot decide if it is for the best. I do not know. And I never have and that exhausts me. I have no plan or guide. I have no consistent reflection to bounce ideas off. I have no one to challenge me. I have no one to help me. The weight and pressure is unreal.

My brain tried to kill me and now my body is giving it a go. My chest is so tight with Fluid and an infection I cannot breathe. I have barely picked myself up off the floor after being on the ward and I feel myself losing my footing again. I feel the ground rumbling beneath me. I feel the fire and smell the blood.

Violence is not a language I enjoy speaking but I was trained in it from birth. I knew pain and fear before I knew words for what it was. I have been reborn in blood and fire so many times I cannot even remember life without that pain. I am so scared and fight urges to unleash the hurt inside me onto other people. My whole life I watched others do what I had to repress. I did not want to get in trouble or do something wrong.

But through this disconnection from everyone I have realised my whole belief system had it wrong. There is no bad and there is no good. Theres just what you can get away with. And I have always known but that fear of consequences kept my darkness in check. And now I have met it I have sharp edges. I am no longer soft under walls and barriers. I am weaponised against the hurt i see coming. I try so hard to not listen to my gut instincts but I am always right. I can read and assess people so fast I barely even process I just know. I know who I can and cannot trust.

And even the ones I do trust only end up teaching me lessons i didnt ask for.

I dream of a family where I am not the only adult. I dream of softness and words of wisdom. I became who I needed when I was young and I am pulling my daughters through.

But to have to fight every urge and instincts and internalise it is literally killing me. I am so tired of failing. Trying so hard and going in circles and getting nowhere.

I just want to feel safe. Deep in my heart and soul I want to be taken care off. I just want to not be alone. I need someone in my corner but I cannot find anyone.

Everyone has someone and I dont understand the rules of the games everyone else is playing. They like me when I feign stupidity and echo their shite back at them but soon as I hold an opinion im an asshole. Im always wrong.

This past year has been fucking brutal. The rest have too but this one is something else. This past month has been a spectacular shitshow of a ride. I dont know whether I am coming or going and honestly just want to curl up and cry.

I want to be held as I sob for everything I have done wrong, everything I never was, everything I could never be and grieve and feel this pain ripping me apart from the inside out. I want nothing more in the world than to have my face held and someone Look me in the eye and tell me they love me. I need them to make me believe them.

Iv always been alone and I dont want to be anymore but I am so broken I terrify and intimidate people. I am so used to making myself feel small to try fit in the box. So I said fuck the box, burned the box and it's lonely outside here too.

Now I have a head full of psychology and sociology, years of observation and too many questions and not enough words.

Who am I underneath it all? What am I missing? How do I connect the parts of me to make myself whole without anyone to fill in the gaps? For 9 years I have worked on myself, learned to be alone and I'm just so sick of it.

I cannot integrate anywhere. I have never met anyone that sees me. I do not let anyone see all of me. Even I dont get to see all of me. I understand people make assumptions and I am not responsible for the version of me that lives inside their heads but I definitely in charge of all the versions that live inside mine.

I am struggling to keep control. I don't even want it. It's all iv ever known is fighting to survive. I used to describe myself as a cockroach, just fucking impossible to kill..
Now I feel I am more of a fungus. Just endless connections forever reaching out trying to find the right place to grow. Potentially deadly but pretty to look at type of mushroom ahaha. I just want to feel connection.

I want someone to hold me together as I fall apart because I am at the bottom. And iv been here so many times before it is almost home. But it is hell.

My circumstances affect the mental and the physical and it all pong pongs of each other and no one wants to touch the ticking time bomb that lives between my ears. I definitely fucking don't but I spend my life debating the voices in my head all while being told I am wrong and awful from the outside.

I just need some niceness. I need kindness and I feel that doesn't even exist anymore. I am so desensitised to the violence and the hatred around me. People deal in gossip and rumours that destroy lives with zero care or shame. Even my kids are so mean and it's hard to keep giving and giving when there is nothing left to give.

I have so much shame and guilt. I hold so much much pain and fear. And the fucking anger bubbles in my blood. Why am I not accepted in any position in life? I feel so detached but for the first time I understand why.

I was in denial. I was naive. I was really fucking stupid. And that's what fucking terrifies me, I am no where near smart enough to be surrounded by so many stupid and unstable people, especially the ones in positions of authority.

It's all a roll of the dice. Life is a gamble. And you don't get to choose or change. It molds you. You are a product of the environment you exist in. And I cannot escape mine. I cannot escape the assumptions and judgements against me no matter how many different languages I try to speak.

I understand violence is the only one people listen to. But I can't. I'm too scared. But I also have nothing really left to lose. At this point I'm just desperately trying to carve a space for myself because I don't fit in anywhere else. Whatever that takes. But what is the cost?

I can't stop pretending to be something I'm not. But I don't know who I am yet.

I know this is someone new. I hope it is the beginning of a new cycle.