I.D and correcting reflexive behaviors.

Catch a painted pony on the feelings wheel ride.

Did you know there are something like 100 different feelings? I sure as hell didn't. Yesterday I was introduced to the "feelings wheel". There are a number of more complicated emotions than angry/happy/sad. Imagine my surprise. I always considered myself a good, empethetic dude. But, I don't know shit! yet.

I also learned that our minds and bodies can trick us into thinking we are feeling one way in order to protect SELF from the real thing we don't want to experience. It's some kind of defensive mechanism

In my case - it lives in my sternum. It's guilt and remorse based and is a result of something painful from my upbringing. I'm working on setting it free and being able to identify what I'm feeling; and more importantly why in any given moment.

My coping mechanism sucks, however. It's especially toxic because I am already incredibly introverted. I always turn inward any time I'm uncomfortable. I shut down, I become 100% self reliant and I burn any bridges that I can to create space. Asking for help seems next to impossible. Some alternatives would include movement of some kind (running, jumping, dancing, sports, yelling) I like driving really, really fast. That works for me, sometimes
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I've resumed daily journaling, on pen and paper. I've always liked the way it feels. I have journals from way back. Once, twice, sometimes 3 times a day, I do entries, I write letters that I'll never send and I keep records of my workouts and medications. For me, it's really helpful to be able to go back a few days to see why i'm feeling off. For example, I hit a slump Sunday-Tuesday of this week. I didn't understand why i was feeling funky but it was because I overslept on Sunday. I always get up at 4 but slept until 10 on that particular day. So, I spent the next 3 days punishing myself. Wednesday, I looked back, identified the cause and realized how ridiculous I was being. My body needed sleep. I didn't do anything wrong. Nobody can be perfect, and I've been doing a bang up job with my routine. I was able to forgive myself and I will be more self-aware next time.

The trick, or magic sauce here is to be able to pause, to reflect and identify what exactly is bothering us and why. Then either release via one of the movement based activities listed above, or to store that emotion until later when it can be appropriately and confidentially released.

Now here comes the kicker- PAIN IS AN ILLUSION SUFFERING IS AN ILLUSION. We can and do create our own reality. How will you or I react to something?

When that guy cuts me off and gives me the finger, its not the guy I'm upset with. I had an expectation of how he should have been driving. The expectation was not met and I got upset with myself. People drive crazy as fuck in 3rd world countries and nobody bats an eye. It's the expectations we set. We/I need to stop with that, cause it's not helping - ever.

I owe someone an apology. It wasn't until I put in the work and a couple months in therapy, i now see that it was their trauma surfacing, but I got paranoid, made it about myself and started spiraling. This time however- I asked for help. So, as I push that apology up out of my chest and into the Universe, I say goodbye to them and those worries. I'll just be better next time, for the next person and for myself. You know what they say, two traumas don't make a Llama.

I say Thank you to the Universe because without this non-event I never would have reached out for help. I never would have started this awesome new path that looks so very promising for my future of self-development and becoming the person that I want to be. I say Thank you to WDC and to all the great people out there pouring out their hearts together and gathering courage and strength.