There have been many times throughout my life that I thanked God that we were not created with the little bubbles above our heads that let others know what we are thinking, like what you see in cartoons. For me that would absolutely be the end for me, no one would come within ten feet of me with subtitles like the ones circling in my fucked-up head. I really wish that I could evict the big bully in my head, the one that makes these horrible thoughts and visions a daily thing for my every waking minute. I mean come on now, cut me a break this shit never ever stops, I even have dreams that revolve around this pessimism. Oh, and let me fill you in on my dreams, they are vivid, I dream in color like I’m watching a movie and I remember them. Oh, it’s awesome when I am having a good dream, I upon waking want to go back and stay in those dreams because my reality is so bleak and dark, compared to the good dreams that I can have. But when the dreams are bad they are downright bad. I have woken up on numerous occasions screaming with tears running down my face, and it will take me a couple minutes to realize that it was only a dream. Those fucking times suck, and you know that they had to really be bad, because I am happy that I woke up and was able to come back to my reality. I always question dreams, especially the ones that come out of the blue. Like I have had dreams about people that I haven't seen in years. It’s not like I ran into someone from the past and that triggered me to think about that person, so why at night would that person then show up in my dreams. Also, the dreams where you wake up in the middle of a dream and then when you go back to sleep the dream picks up where it left off, how is that even possible. The human mind is a truly amazing and astonishing thing. I mean when you really think about it, if you ever went through some trauma in your life your mind can protect you and block those memories from you. No shit, your mind can protect you I just wish mine would evict the motherfucker that resides in there. I know this is true, because of some of the counseling I have went through for my mental quirks. They believe that somewhere in my past something may have traumatically happened to me and my mind blocked it. The really fucked up part is I when the counselors told me this, yes more than one counselor has told me this, and then they want to try and find out about it. They want me to try and talk, maybe even go under hypnosis so I can find it and work through it. I was like are you fucking insane, you are telling me that something horrible enough that my mind is nice enough at protecting me from may have happened to me and you want me to try and remember it. I thought fuck this shit you are the one who should be sitting where I am if you think I am going to do that. Fuck, seriously like I don't have enough fucking mental issues without having that thrown in there on top. I did start to do self-hypnosis and meditation, that is one thing that I do for myself. Every night when I go to sleep I have a CD that I turn on and listen to, a guided meditation to help relax and relieve stress. I guess it works, I know one of the therapists that I went to did hypnotize me, and she was shocked at how quickly she could put me under. When I was leaving she had asked if anyone ever did that to me before, and I said no. Then I told her that I do listen to these CDs on my own and she said that that was the reason I went under so quickly and easily. At first, I was kind of scared, but after doing this for quite some time if I don’t do it I am lost. Now I must have the CD playing when I fall asleep, it is like I must have that to relax enough to go to sleep. I mean if you look online there are so many things out there, and I have yet to try some of them because they sound kind of dangerous and scary. Like there is one way that you can leave your body when you sleep and explore it sounds intriguing. But I was like knowing my luck I would explore and would never want to come back to my body or get lost and not be able to find my way back. A few days the neighbors would be calling the cops for a horrendous odor coming from my apartment, and they would find my dead half eaten body that kept Brandi alive until I was found. There it is, my wonderfully colorful thoughts that complete me. I say sarcastically, as I turn my attention back to the tv and say well at least I have an imagination even if it is sadistic. As I yawn I realize that it is almost 10:00 already and that is the reason why my body is telling me I’m getting so tired, plus all these thoughts about sleeping I guess aren't helping. Brandi had snuggled up next to me after I finished eating and has been lying next to me getting a wonderful long kitty cat massage. She is knocked out, I say to her lets go to bed, mommy is tired and feel so guilty to disturb her. I get up and take my dishes over to the sink, rinse them off and throw all the dirty dishes in to the dishwasher and start it. Casually I walk over to my phone, as I am trying to convince myself that I just want to be sure I plugged it in. Not that in the morning I find out the hard way that I never did and have a dead phone. But, I know fucking well enough I am checking to see if I got any kind of response back from Warren, deep down inside I am hoping to hear back from him. But there is nothing, I sigh and again say I gave him too long to respond back, fucking dumb bitch. I think out loud to the bully “maybe you are right and were right all along, I am just setting myself up like the dumb bitch I really am". As I turn everything off and go into my bedroom, hoping and praying silently that I am right with this whole Warren thing and the evilness is wrong this time, a girl can dream, can’t she? |