Chapter 22

I take a very long steaming hot shower and spend a little too
much time under the water, my hands look like they are
beginning to turn into prunes from being exposed to the water
for such a long period of time. But being in the steam and
under the hot water along with my lavender body wash seems to
have helped tremendously at easing my nerves. I guess all the
alcohol I consumed in such a short time and without having
anything to eat since 11:00 this morning didn't hurt any
either. I come out of the bathroom and the aroma of the
chicken pot pie welcomes me and my appetite as my stomach
seems to have smelled it too as it sends up a little grumble.
I got to the kitchen take the dish out of the microwave and
stir it, returning it back for another minute. I call Brandi
in as I grab her dish to feed her and give her some fresh
water. I realize that there for a few moments in time I was
successful at not thinking about Warren. I mean it was a
while after jumping into the shower until I was finally able
to get this ordeal out of my mind, but once I did I only now
realized I completely let him and this weekend slip from my
mind. I go over and turn on the television and figure that
will help me in taking my mind off my pending doom.
I grab my dinner and a bottle of water and head over to cuddle
up on the sofa and relax. I realize it is already 7:00 and
that I was in the bathroom a hell of a lot longer than what I
had thought I was. No wonder some of my skin looked the way
it did, I think it's been a long time since my skin was
exposed to water for that long. My mind goes off into
thinking when the last time I treated myself to a long hot
bubble bath was, and I make a mental agreement with myself
that I will do that very soon. I make need to remember to
pick up bubble bath or oils the next time I hit the store.
I used to take baths a lot I would light candles and take a
glass of wine with me, or a bottle depending on what my mood
was and realize that it truly has been a long time. I really
do need to make a point to start taking care of myself and

having more me time. I mean I have plenty of me and Brandi
time, but I don't take time to treat myself and do things that
I once enjoyed doing. Even if I could just learn to slow down
and learn to find enjoyment in doing things. I feel like I
have fell into the routine of doing things more for the sake
of having to do them, and not doing things that I enjoy doing.
I loved to read books in the past, I couldn't get enough I
would always get lost in a romance novel I would never put it
down until I was done with reading the entire book. I also
remember being addicted to Lifetime Movies and shows like
that, but not anymore, that seems to have gone out the window
with all the fucked-up relationships. I couldn't watch and
read stories about love, because I hate to admit it, but I
lost faith in love and the whole maybe I will find a guy who
is like that character in the movies and books.
I guess that is why I now am addicted to watching shows about
people killing each other, disappearing without a trace, or
being arrested by police. I think that is because that is
more of a reality to me than the whole happy ever after love
affairs in the movies and books. I wonder now if maybe it
wouldn’t be such a bad idea to maybe look at changing some of
my past time hobbies. Perhaps that would help to change my
negative and pathetic outlook on life.
I mean I can take up reading again, there are plenty of genres
out there, it doesn't need to be about love and go into detail
explaining what the best sex in the world should be like. I
mean at the age of 24 and having plenty of experience with men
I have not even come close to finding the sexual pleasures
that the people in the books have been lucky to find. I’m
wondering if there is an application that I can fill out to
find the man to be able to provide that kind of pleasure to a
woman and if I would meet his criteria. I think I got more
pleasure from eating the last bowl of ice cream that I had, I
snicker to myself and think no shit I am dead serious.
I still to this day wonder if I have ever experienced an
orgasm, I honestly don't think I have. I mean during
masturbation, ok don't give me the oh my God I don’t do that

expression. I know it is a fact that everyone in this world
knows it is true that they have masturbated at least once, if
you haven't you are not human. Any way as I was saying,
during masturbation it can feel good, but I don't think it is
that life stopping pleasurable. That plus, with me personally
my mind goes nonstop so that I am constantly thinking about
things. I am pathetic and begin to worry about things that
are so fucking dumb, it’s like I don't think my body can just
relax and enjoy it. It is even worse when I have a partner,
then I am over the top self-conscious, thinking how fucking
disgusting I must look and how grossed out he must be to look
at me. I worry, if my body doesn't feel right or good to him,
if I smell or if he is getting enjoyment with me or if he is
fantasizing about some knock out that he seen earlier that
day. Yes, I am one fucked up chick, I think I should come
with papers or a warning label. Not that I am in anyway
dangerous to anyone else, I never would hurt anyone else, I
only just say things to hurt myself.