Well this morning I don’t beat the alarm, it is the annoying sound that wakes me up. I take notice too that it is back to my normal morning mood, I blame the alarm for bringing on my crabby mood. But I think to myself today is Thursday, I have today and tomorrow and then I can sleep in over the weekend. So, it isn't too bad, but still any day that I must get up before I am good and ready to makes it a bad enough day. Brandi must sense my mood because she is up and off the bed before I even sit up and stretch, smart cat. I turn off my alarm on the bedside table and slide out of bed. I learned never turn off my alarm prior to at least sitting up, otherwise I will never get up or at least not in time for work. So even though my alarm is on the nightstand I was smart enough to move the nightstand far enough away from the bed so that I can't reach it without at least first sitting up. By the time I am sitting up in bed, I am in good enough shape to trust myself to not lay back down after I turn it off. I decide to hit the shower first this morning and take a cool shower in the hopes that maybe that will help to wake me up a little bit and give me some much-needed energy. Already the dreadful thoughts of having to decide about this weekend and Warren snap into my mind at lightning speed. I guess I have no luck of totally and honestly just forgetting about the whole thing and not have to make that decision, nope of course not. I know I should know better than to think that something like that is going to happen, that is not my kind of luck. No, the only thing I could see happening for me to not have to make this decision is if I would fall over dead from some mysterious illness, or a heart attack. I know that is a horrible thing to think, but that is the only luck I could expect to get me out of this whole thing. That is the reason I do not play the lottery or gamble, I am not completely stupid. I jump into the cool shower and just stand there and let the water pour over my body, until I feel like the water has warmed up, then I turn it down even more until I must start a slight jog in place. I am hoping this will jump start my heart and pump some energy into me, also I think there must be a better way to jump start your day. I am a creature of habit usually have the same thing for breakfast during the week, my toast and coffee. But occasionally, I change it up, and make scrambled eggs or sometimes even stop for a bite on the way to work. Not too often do I decide to stray from my norm, but occasionally I will, or fate will make the decisions for me. I begin to think about fate and wonder if Warren running into me was fate or just a normal accident. It is just so odd to me how being around Warren felt so natural, especially while he was holding my hand. It was almost like he is supposed to be holding my hand and sending electric charges up my arm and stop I think, just stop. It is just a freaking accident one of many that happen to millions of people every day. You are just imagining these things, you have too much time on your hands. I decide I need to get a hobby and if I had something to do to keep me occupied I wouldn’t be thinking these fucked up things. I accept that explanation from myself, as I sit down to somewhat enjoy my breakfast, I mean seriously how enjoyable is buttered toast and coffee. But it gets me started and through the morning until lunchtime. I wonder if I would eat more for breakfast then I wouldn't need to be eating my lunch already at 11:00. Maybe I can start that and start eating more for my breakfast, I mean they do say that breakfast is the main meal of the day. They also say that you should start the day immediately by drinking water and avoiding coffee or caffeine. I have tried that and tried to just cut my caffeine intake in general and let me tell you I had major headaches, and massive withdrawal. It was crazy, that is the day that I realized fuck this I don't do street drugs, so I am entitled to having caffeine as my preferred drug of choice. At least it is legal, and it won't show up in any random piss tests at work. I am lucky and have never smoked cigarettes or anything else for that matter, I never tried drugs. Well I don’t count alcohol as a drug, I’m talking about the illegal ones. I was always a good girl growing up, I guess it was because of my group of friends. I got lucky to never feel the peer pressure that a lot of kids must face. Well not until I turned 21 then the guy I was dating introduced me to pot. I must admit I liked pot, it really slowed me down and relaxed me. Much better than any medications that doctors have put me on to pretty much do the exact same thing weed does. The fucked-up part is the weed worked a million times better than the pills. I asked my doctor about legal marijuana went that whole thing started, but I guess my mental illnesses were not yet covered as an acceptable illness. Oh well I just continued to try ever available prescription drug on the market for my illness until I found the one that I am currently taking. It seems to take some of the edge and effects of my illness away. I know it helps because believe it or not I was ten times worse than what I am now. It’s pathetic to think that this negativity and anxiety shit does get worse when I am not medicated. Sometimes it scares me because I know I am on some powerful shit, but it’s like it doesn’t seem to work the same way it would for someone else. I know this is really a bad thing that I did but it really made me aware of just how potent my meds really are, well to the normal person anyway. I was dating a guy and he was bigger than me and had seen me take my medication one night and asked what it was for. I told him to help me chill out, so I can sleep, he asked me for one, and of course Ms. Does the right thing said no at first, but he wouldn’t drop the subject. so, I finally figured whatever one isn't going to kill him or, so I thought. No, the dude didn’t croak but let me tell you what I thought I was going to have to drag his big ass outside and call the cops to inform them that there was an unconscious man laying outside my apartment in his underwear. I knew he was breathing, and I figured they would hurry and get there because I mean it was the dead of winter. Seriously, I could not wake this dude up. No shit I was scared to death, I thought I killed the mother fucker. He finally started to come around, I think it was probably like 18 hours later and I don’t know how many after until he finally was able to get the fuck up. He was like wow that shit is awesome, I was like what the fuck it doesn't do that to me. I had questioned my doctor about this, told her I knew someone on the same meds but was on a much lower dose and they said it worked wonders and knocked them out. She told me it is because I have been on this medication for so long and my body becomes immune in a way, so they must increase the doses every so often. I was like well what the fuck is that all about, I mean what happens if I get old and demented and must take medication, then what will happen. Fuck my luck it won't work, and I will be in a state hospital somewhere tied to a chair and gagged. |