One Goodbye Of The Many In My Head

It is very difficult for me to keep apart my needs and emotions with my rationality. And as common and normal as this is, it is significant for me when these two opposites want extremes.

What are you supposed to do when you know you are difficult to love? When you just had one of the most difficult chapters of your life and told yourself "I will never let this happen again"?
What are you supposed to do when suddenly the person you adore tells you they don't know what to call "it", but that this it is there. This it that wants you to get closer to someone.

As I said, I adore them. They are someone who doesn't drain your energy. They are what I would call my ocean. A place where I know my emotions are free, and where it is enough to just listen, where I am not expected to perform, just admire and be present.
And I swore to myself I won't let someone in again, because I easily feel trapped. I don't want anything open, I just want to be together as individual parts. Where we can tell each other our stories without the other person relying on me. I will help with struggles. That is my biggest wish even. I want to be the first to help. The first to see them in the morning, to get a text. I just don't want to be the only one and I don't want it to be expected of me too.
To sum it up, I fear being relied on too much while also being called unreliable.
I want to be able to talk about my friends without getting jealousy in return. I want to feel like I am free to talk. I have been in a relationship recently where we had this "bubble". In this bubble, we avoided talking of others and if we wanted to, we asked the other if it was fine with them. In the beginning, I wanted this too, because we were long distance and I wanted to really connect with each other before others get involved.
So that was the situation. But as a result I couldn't be as excited as I was when mentioning a certain event.
Then were more responsibilities coming up. My school, my finals, my dad not being understanding, and the relationship. Hardship fits more. I got more depressed and I am used to solving these things on my own. I valued my alone time too. But with long distance and a very obsessive relationship, I never really had the occasion to be alone.
I started being a bit more distant sometimes. I also started finding excuses that I am busy so I can be alone. I felt trapped between private life and relationships.

We started fighting more.
Banal stuff. Since I value my boundaries so much but felt them getting stepped on, I was more defensive. Almost a self fulfilling prophecy. I knew we will fight cause of it, so it happened cause i was extra attentive. I feared to lose what is important to me. my boundaries are over everything and anyone. I requested more understanding that I am not able to care for two anymore. I didn't say "please understand." though. I made clear that this is a valid reason to break up. I drained all my energy that was alright to use. In fact, I had to take it from places for which this energy was essential. So I was underperforming. It was the worst, truly. And while my inattentiveness hurt them, they said they will stay and accept my lack of performance.
It hurt a lot. Someone suffered because of me, yet they were stuck with me. And I didn't see it as my right to break up. Didn't see it as fair to make the final step that will hurt them more. So I gave hints that breaking up is an option. And understandable. That I cannot expect them to put up with my bullshit and depression, but they said over and over, that they will have me as their priority while accepting I am mine too.

But it never worked. Every time we had this talk, a few days later they were hurt when I couldn't fulfill a need of their due to my lack of energy. And I got called out for it. "Why is it so difficult?" "Why do I need to do everything again and get nothing?" "it's just a simple thing" and I understood. Cause it is cruel. But they knew. And yes, the right step would have been to say I need to be on my own, but I didn't see this right with me. And so I apologized. And explained again I really can't. Until I broke some day. Saying that it is unfair. That it hurts so fucking much to get blamed for a path they chose."You can leave! You have every right to!", but every time we had these fights, they, in the end, say "I am fine with it all being like this."
They CHOSE to stay and keep up with it, so it's not my fault that this keeps going, is what I told myself. They knew I was working only for one. And said "I know it and i accept it"
The blaming didn't stop, it was just fights for days and weeks. I was sick of it. I snapped. I said I need a break. After all this, you might know what I really wanted. But I couldn't go further. I wanted a break up, they could only take this much, and I didn't have the right to inflict more pain.
Funny considering that staying was what caused the most pain.

This break was not at all taken well.
Their panic was visible, the spamming questions.
"For how long?"
"What is with this plan of ours?"
And so on.
I felt pressured, I wanted to hide away, just disappear. It was so much stress and expectations, I regretted not saying I will break up. I read an article afterwards on how to react to a break. Not just one article, several. And all said what I already knew.
"Avoid pressure at all costs."
"No matter what you might feel, it is about them now, they are the ones struggling so much that they need a break."
I really couldn't agree more. Even if I wasn't the one but them, no matter our relationship, I would never ever make it about me. Because after that, every "request" was asking too much on top of it all for me. I didn't want any compromises anymore. However I had to. At least I thought I did.
A relationship includes more than one. I can't just go and do what I want. There are rules. It just felt more unfair than without this change of focus on them.
But there was one compromise that I wouldn't want in such a state of feeling trapped and restricted. Keeping contact. I wanted a full break. Not "no contact" but I wanted it to be on me. I wanted to decide when I would approach them. And it was very uncomfortable to open our chat and see new messages. I ignored many for hours. We did say more space of course, but they said they want one question a day from me to them and to keep the bubble.
I did that. It was making it worse for me. Every development I had, every energy and happiness I gained back went to the trash when we chatted, because I was confronted with what made me uncomfortable. I was confronted with what made it all get to this point. So I kept explanations and stories short. I asked basic questions, I never sent edits, I never shared news.
I felt like a child wanting alone time in their room but being called out by their parents. So I used every second I got alone to stay in. Making the parent more angry I didn't come out on my own.
If I were given time. If I were given the space to decide on my own, then maybe, after some time, I would open the door myself. At the beginning I would be glad I am allowed to stay in, but that means no pressure to come out. No need to stay in whenever I could. Cause now I could any time I want.
But they didn't understand. Didn't believe me. After they said that, even if they then decided to give me it, it then indeed wouldn't help. Because I wasn't greeted with hope, but with knowledge of failure. I didn't want to try anymore. This option was as fast gone as it was introduced.
But they did agree. And I told them exactly what I said now. That now there is no use anymore. I was granted this freedom anyways. I used it. I didn't feel "free" to come out, but had a need to stay in fully. I told them, they didn't listen. Then I fully had it.
I wanted to break up. They said they wanna call for it. We did. I broke up. Everything I said was honest, but everything we decided on was a compromise again. WIth them, compromises mean not deciding to respect boundaries.
I said I don't want to keep the behavior of being in a relationship. So no pet names, I don't want kisses and all, I also don't want to "hang out" for now and be the first to approach because I want to WANT it and heal first. But that all didn't happen. They agreed on me being the one to approach but in the end, they broke this agreement and approached me.
As for "acting like being together", they didn't see why we need to define our behavior according to a title, or more, not having one.
"In the beginning we just did what we were comfortable with."
I told them that we were strangers then, that we still had a story to write together, but now we already wrote ours. It is not the same, I will connect certain words we use with our relationship, one that made me, and especially them, suffer. They didn't understand, I said "alright, then let's not restrict ourselves." to stop the discussion.
I hated that they used our pet names.
I hated that they asked me so, so, SO often if they could hug and kiss me.
Until I said "No more."
I guess they knew they had to stop with this. But they made clear they didn't like it. They always had a problem accepting my "I am uncomfortable with it."
I always had to explain why.
They just had to accept it. How it is only right. These words were a clear border and I would explain on my own, but being asked makes me feel like I need to gain the right to feel uncomfortable. So I got mad.

I recently told them that I can't go on with having contact. That it is all tainted from our relationship. I can't behave normal and will always be hostile.
Their answer was basically the pain I caused, but it was understandable why I did it. That I broke them but am not a bad person. That I felt pressured resulting in being defensive.
I didn't care if they understand, I just want them to know I can't go on. I still have to respond. My last goodbye from the many I had in my head for months, never spoken out.

After this, I swore to never have long distance again. Never. Besides these things, I need this physical touch. I need to have the other in front of me.
I also took from this that I can't really love. That I can't be loved. I can't let it happen but do things that make me undeserving of it.
You must understand that I say it in all honesty. With evidence. I saw enough to see I truly hurt others and I saw enough to see I can truly get hurt. It is more logical than impulsive. Rational.
I don't say it with a sad undertone. I say it with acceptance, because it is a fact.
This is what you need to know about me. I am a very emotional rationalist.
So I am unsure what to do now. After all this, after this acceptance of the path I will go, the person I adored for three years says they have this desire to be closer. That they can't say what this is, but that they have this want to stay with me, watch me, get to know me.
I was honest with them without dumping. That I feel the same, that I don't know what this is, but that I sometimes wish the boundary was a bit further away. That I want to stay with them as long as possible and discover more.
I told them I am fine if we just go on with the knowledge of this from each other, and I am also fine with talking about eventually going further.
However I said that I want it all to be slow, with enough time to think about everything in between. I want it to be a process. I didn't want to say "we can go on dates'' because this really is a step further for me. I also told them that if this is what we will decide on, there might be some things I need to explain first.

I was very happy. I was pining for three years.
They are so beautiful.
When we are eating somewhere and they laugh out loud for others to notice and I see their embarrassed face.
When they laid on top of me and hid their face.
When I feel their heartbeat when I lay on their chest.
When they decide on their own to approach me, when I am mostly the one leading with physical touch.
When they are getting all excited about their crushes.
When they share their passion for a certain animal, a color, a clothing style, furniture, houses.
When they dress up pretty to meetings.
When they pout.
When they pull any grimace really.
I will never be fast with saying I am in love. I also don't think I am. But what I can say is I wanna be fully involved in all these moments. I wanna be a part of as many situations like these as possible.
I am fine with any decision. However, I feel excited when I think about us actually approaching to take a new step together.
I wanna go on secret dates. I wanna try to see how it would be. I want to be conscious. To reflect on my emotions and behavior, and on theirs too. I want to experience a new closeness between this space we allow each other.
And if we will always stay at these dates and have just a piece of the real deal, then I am here for it too. And if we decide to take a step back again, I am here for it as well.
All I want is to stay with them in every process.
No goodbyes this time is all I wish for.